‘Do you need a tissue?’ asked Lucy.
‘No,’ I said. ‘I’m meditating.’
‘Then do it in private,’ laughed Lucy. ‘It looks like you’re picking your nose.’
‘My most alluring look.’ I grinned back at her. Izzie smiled over at me. It was going to be OK.
As we caught up on the week and what we’d all been doing, I made sure that I didn’t look directly at Luke. However, I couldn’t help but notice how friendly he was with everyone. His hand on Izzie’s arm as he enthused about the project, hand resting on Lucy’s shoulder when he got up and asked if anyone wanted anything from the counter. Yes, he’s definitely a touchy-feely kind of person, I thought. Him holding my hand the other day was just another example. It meant nothing. At least, not to him. A few more nostrilly-breathing things and I’d be fine. A blip. A minor setback. No biggie.
But then Nesta got up to help Luke fetch drinks and, when they were in the queue, they started fooling around and soon the whole café was witnessing an Oscar winning snog. Nesta never was one to be shy about who was watching her. I tried to look away but I couldn’t. It was awful. I felt like someone had stabbed me with a knife. Jealousy. It can hurt like hell. It was so clear. Luke was totally into Nesta and I had a sad schoolgirl crush on him. It was all in my head. And always would be. I was pathetic. Sad. Pitiful.
Then I noticed Lucy looking at me.
Then Izzie looked at Nesta and Luke, then back at me.
Then Lucy looked at Izzie looking at me.
Then Lucy looked at me. At Nesta and Luke. Back at Izzie. Then back at me.
I felt like a rabbit caught in the spotlight as both of them stared me. Izzie with concern. Lucy with questions.
Lucy knows, I thought. She knows that something is going on in my head. I tried my nostril breathing without the aid of my thumb, but it looked like I was holding back a sneeze. So much for me being a yogi, I thought, as I got up and headed for the Ladies at the back of the café, where I kicked the wall and almost broke my toe. I can’t go on with this, I thought. Everyone can see right through me and, any minute now, Steve and Lal are going to get here as well. Lal who already suspects something is going on and Steve, who is like Lucy, as sharp as a knife and would suss me out in no time.
There was only one thing for it.
Yoga Meditation
1) Sit comfortably with the spine straight.
2) For this technique, you are going to inhale and exhale through alternate nostrils. First put your right hand up to your face. Lightly rest your right thumb on the right side of your nose.
3) Rest your index finger on your forehead and have your middle finger ready by the left nostril for when you need it. The hand fits quite comfortably into this position.
4) When you are ready, apply a slight pressure with the thumb, closing the right nasal passage.
5) Now slowly inhale through the left nostril, hold for two counts then apply gentle pressure on the left nostril with your middle finger (releasing your thumb from the right nostril as you do so) and exhale slowly through the right nostril.
6) Then, with the middle finger still resting on the left nostril, inhale through the right nostril, slowly, hold for two counts, then lift the middle finger from the left nostril and exhale through the left, closing the right nostril with your thumb again.
7) Try a few times to get the movements right, then do it slowly up to ten times. Once you have mastered the technique, you can sit and do it for ten minutes or longer and it will bring about a sensation of calm and focus (unless you’re TJ).
Chapter 11
‘Mum, I have something I want to say to you.’
‘You’re back early, TJ,’ said Mum, looking up from the chair where she was doing the Telegraph crossword. ‘I thought you were out with the girls.’
‘I was, but I’ve been thinking and I wanted to tell you something straight away.’
‘What is it?’
‘About Devon. I’ve changed my mind. I want to go.’
Mum smiled and put her paper aside. ‘I thought you might come round in the end but . . .’
‘When are we going?’
‘But what’s brought on this sudden change?’
‘Nothing. Be good to have a new start. Er, I want to be a writer. New experience, fresh fields, etc. That sort of thing. So. When are we going?’
‘Oh, TJ. There’s so much to sort out and we’ve only just started thinking about it. We haven’t even put the house on the market yet and there’s so much your dad has to sort out with his position at the hospital.’
‘OK. So, how about I go and live with Marie in the meantime? Get used to my new school.’
Mum took off her reading glasses and peered at me. ‘TJ. What’s going on? Sit down for a moment. Has something happened?’
I hovered behind the chair by the fireplace. ‘No. Why do you always have to think something’s happened? I’ve simply changed my mind and now I think that Devon is a great idea. The sooner the better. So. Shall I call Marie?’
‘No. You won’t call Marie. She’s got enough on her plate at the moment, what with starting her new job and wedding plans. Something’s going on. What is it, TJ?’
‘Nothing. Honestly,’ I replied as I headed out of the sitting room. ‘I’d tell you if there was.’
Mum looked like she believed every word of it. Not. But what would I say to her? I’ve got a crush on one of my best friends’ boyfriend and I’m going slowly mental. What would she say? What could anyone say, except get over it, saddo.
Must rethink the plan, I thought, as I lay on my bed ten minutes later and stared at the ceiling as if I was going to find the answer magically written there. Must rethink the plan. My mind had gone into overdrive. What was I going to do? I couldn’t face school if they all knew. What if Izzie had told Lucy what I’d told her. And she’d told Nesta. And Nesta had told Steve and Luke. And . . . oh God oh God oh God . . .
A moment later, I heard the phone ring. Oh no, I thought as I put a pillow over my head. It’s probably one of the girls and I’m to be hauled in front of the judge and jury. It wasn’t me guv, honest, I’m innocent.
‘TJ,’ called Mum. ‘Phone for you. It’s Luke.’
Luke? What on earth does he want? I wondered as I reached for the extension. Oh please, God, Jesus, Buddha, Krishna, in fact anybody who’s up there and might be listening, please don’t let anyone have told Luke that I fancy him.
‘Hey, Watts,’ he said. ‘What you doing?’
‘Not much,’ I said. Going totally bonkers would be the correct answer, but I wasn’t going to tell him that.
‘How about we go and check out Keats House in South Hampstead?’ he asked. ‘It’s open this afternoon.’
He sounded cool enough. Maybe it was OK and no one had said anything. ‘I thought you were doing something with Nesta,’ I said.
‘Yeah, I was, then Lucy was in a panic about the project and asked Nesta if she could give her a hand. So, she went off with her. So how about Keats House?’
‘Sorry. Can’t.’
‘I thought you said you weren’t doing much.’
‘Er . . . got homework, you know . . .’
The tone of Luke’s voice suddenly changed from cheery to more serious. ‘Please TJ. I . . . I . . . look, I think I . . . you were right the other day, we do need to talk. Meet me in half an hour?’
Need to talk? Oh hell. Someone has said something.
‘What about?’
‘Not on the phone. Please come.’
He sounded so serious that my curiosity got the better of me and I agreed to go. As I quickly got ready and headed out, my mind was spinning. Needed to talk? What about? The project? Somehow I doubted it. Maybe Sian again? What?
As I made my way down the front path, I noticed that Mum was watching me through the window.
‘Bye, back later,’ I mouthed and gave her a wave. Her expression looked concerned. I hoped that she wasn’t going to do an inquisition later. There w
as nothing I could tell any of them. I didn’t know what was going on myself.
Luke was waiting for me outside the bookshop in South End Green. He looked up and smiled when he saw me and my heart missed a beat.
‘Hey’ he said. ‘Thanks for coming. Grab a hot chocolate before we go?’
‘Sure,’ I said. ‘Yes. Chocolate. Good.’
Luke led us towards the café where he took a quick look inside. ‘Bit crowded in there. Shall we sit outside? More private?’
I nodded. Private? My earlier instinct that he didn’t just want to talk about the project had been right. Eek. It was freezing outside but, if he wanted privacy, then I wasn’t going to argue and, with a bit of luck, the cold weather might stop me blushing every time he looked at me. As he went inside to get drinks, my brain went into overdrive again. What on earth would he need to talk to me about that he didn’t want anyone to overhear?
He came back a few minutes later and we sat in silence. I sensed that, whatever it was he wanted to say, he wasn’t finding it easy and tried to give him a reassuring smile. I could listen. I could be like Izzie. Maybe I should tell him about Buddhism and the nostril-breathing thingee. Then again, maybe not. Izzie can get away with New Age self-help advice. Not me. He’d think I was mad. The waitress brought us two big mugs of hot chocolate and we sat and drank them for a while, once again in silence. Funny thing silence, I thought. It can be comfortable, uncomfortable, peaceful, tense, long and drawn out, concentrated, dreamy, amicable. This one felt awkward.
In the end, I couldn’t stand it any longer. ‘So what did you want to talk about?’
Luke looked at the pavement, then into the café, then over the road at the trees. ‘Nesta,’ he said after a few moments.
‘Nesta?’
Luke nodded. ‘Nesta.’
So far, it’s a riveting conversation, I thought. He says a name, I repeat it back.
‘Has she said something?’ I asked as paranoia took grip and I tried to mentally prepare myself for Izzie having spilled the beans.
Luke looked confused. ‘Said something? Like what?’
‘I don’t know. Um. Let’s skip back a few moments. So. Nesta?’
‘Yes, Nesta. I need to talk about what to do next.’
Oh no, I thought. He’s going to ask me for advice about Nesta. I should have known. I’m her mate, he probably wants some inside information. Lucy once told me that it happened all the time with boys and Nesta. They were always approaching Lucy to ask how to get off with her or get a date or something. But then Luke was already dating her, so what could he want from me?
‘OK,’ I said. ‘What to do next. In what sense?’
Luke sighed and looked back at the pavement. ‘It’s not working out.’
Not working out? Noooooooo. That’s not part of the script. Not the one in my head anyway.
‘I mean, she’s really great,’ Luke continued, ‘it’s just . . . I’m not sure I want to be as involved as she does. It all happened pretty fast and . . . oh, I don’t know . . .’
I don’t know either, I thought. Why tell me? What does he want from me? How to tell her? How to break the bad news?
‘I . . . er . . . does she have any idea?’ I asked.
Luke finally looked at me and as always my stomach did a somersault. ‘No. No idea, I think. And I don’t want to hurt her. I like her. She’s great.’ He smiled. ‘High maintenance, but great. With you, it’s much easier . . .’
‘What do you mean? High maintenance?’
‘Oh, you know Nesta. She’s a star and stars need to be the centre of attention all the time. And she wants me full-time and I’m not sure that I want the same thing, at least not with her anyway. I know most blokes would think I was mad. She’s stunning but, in the end, well, there’s got to be something else, hasn’t there? Chemistry.’
‘But I thought you did have . . . chemistry,’ I said, thinking about the Hollywood snog they’d done earlier in the queue at the café and everything Nesta had said about them being in love.
‘So did I. But then I . . . It’s like at school. There’s chemistry and then there’s advanced chemistry, if you know what I mean.’ At this point he gave me a searching look. ‘I can talk to you. It’s easier with you, well in one way it is, in another, it’s more complicated. Steve. Nesta. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but . . .’ He reached over and took my hand and stroked the back of it gently with his thumb. I pulled it back.
‘Don’t.’
Luke looked hurt. ‘Why not?’
‘Because . . . I . . .’ I wasn’t exactly clear what he was saying about Nesta. Or me. It’s hard breaking up with someone and he might just need a hand to hold, I quickly told myself. Even so, I couldn’t handle the effect it was having on me. I couldn’t sit there holding hands, comforting him because things weren’t working out with Nesta. Even if he was going to finish with her. It felt disloyal.
‘Because you what?’ Luke asked and reached for my hand again.
It was too much for me and I pulled my hand back once more. ‘Because I can’t handle it,’ I blurted. ‘You might only be holding my hand but . . . to me . . . I can’t help but . . . I . . .’
Luke put both of his hands over mine and held on to them so that I couldn’t pull away. ‘I think you know it’s not just me holding your hand.’
‘But you hold everyone’s hand. I’ve seen you, arm round this person, having a massage from that . . .’
‘Oh, you mean Sian? I told you, there’s nothing there. Not like with us. I think you know that what we have is on another level.’
Don’t give anything away, said Hannah’s voice at the back of my head. I was longing to ask him what he meant, on another level? Did he mean a special friendship? Platonic? What kind of level? Chill, I told myself. Don’t make a fool of yourself. He wants advice as to how to finish with Nesta and thinks that he can talk to me. One of the lads, that’s me. Scott next door used to tell me that he liked me for that reason, because I was non-threatening. One of the boys. Not fanciable, that’s what he meant. That’s a level of sorts. Luke wants advice and I’m easy to talk to. That’s all. Don’t read anything into it, I told myself. He’s clearly upset about having to finish with Nesta and that’s why he’s holding my hand. I mustn’t mustn’t give anything away about the madness in my own mind. It’s the last thing he needs on top of everything else at this moment in time.
I put my ‘one of the boys’ hat on. ‘Luke, I think you ought to be talking to Nesta about this, not me. I’m sorry, but she’s one of my best friends and I feel disloyal. I can’t tell you what to do or say and I can’t be a go-between. I know it’s hard, but if it’s not working out then you have to tell her. Let her know before anyone else. It’s only fair on her.’
Luke let go of my hand, drained his cup, nodded then looked at me sadly. ‘Yes, of course. I understand,’ he said. ‘Of course.’
He stood up and gave himself a shake as if shaking off his mood. ‘OK, Watts,’ he said in a more cheerful voice. ‘Let’s go check out Keats’ place. Apparently he was in love with some woman who lived there called Fanny Brawne.’ He laughed. ‘All these people pining for people they can’t have. Round and round we go. Tough old life, isn’t it?’
And off he went in the direction of Keats Grove. Phew, I thought as I followed him. I think that was OK. I think that was the right thing to do, to say. But poor Nesta. She’s not going to be happy about this, not one bit. I’ll have to do everything I can to help and see her through it.
As we walked around Keats House, Luke reverted to his usual self, talking about the project, and it was easy to respond to him on that level. I told him what I’d read about the poets from Keats’ era and he seemed impressed. He didn’t mention Nesta again. My mind, however, couldn’t let go so easily and kept replaying and replaying the things he’d said, the way he’d looked at me, how it had felt when he stroked my hand. What had he meant? People pining for people they can’t have? Keats? Sian? Nesta? Or me? Could he have meant me? An
d what did he mean by saying that what we had was on another level? Good-friends level? Bonded-over-our-shared-interest-in-history level? We-can-talk-to-each-other-easily level? Or what? Don’t go there, I told myself. Don’t go into, ‘Or what?’ If by any miraculous chance Luke did feel the same way about me as I felt about him, then this time was even worse than before. No one must ever know. To fancy Luke, when he was going out with Nesta was one thing, but to act on it even in the slightest way when he was about to break up with her would be even worse. She’s going to hurt enough without one of her best friends doing the dirty on her. No, I thought, as Luke bent over a display to read an ancient book then beckoned me over to read what it said, it can never happen. Never. Never. Never.
Quote From a Letter John Keats wrote to Fanny Brawne:
‘I love you too much to venture into Hampstead.
I feel it is not paying a visit but venturing into a fire.’
Chapter 12
I was dreading the next project meeting on Wednesday and, in the meantime, watched Nesta closely for clues that Luke might have said something to her. Clearly not by the way she behaved and talked, as though everything was normal. Lucy on the other hand seemed concerned about my relationship with Steve.
‘He really missed you when you dashed off on Sunday,’ she said at break on Monday.
‘Yeah, sorry, I wasn’t feeling too good,’ I blustered. ‘Got a bit of a bug.’
‘I thought you didn’t seem your usual self, didn’t I, Izzie? Remember I said to you.’
Izzie raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything.
‘Are you OK now? Are you cooling off towards Steve?’ asked Lucy. ‘He says you haven’t been around much lately.’
I shook my head. ‘Been busy. There’s so much to do on the project and so little time.’
Unseen by Lucy, Izzie raised her other eyebrow. Was this a new type of meditation? Eyebrows now instead of nostrils or was she trying to say something? You never knew with Izzie.
Mates, Dates and Tempting Trouble Page 8
