‘No, no don’t go,’ I blustered. ‘I need to know where I stand.’
Next to me, I heard Izzie take a sharp intake of breath and shake her head. I knew I’d broken the golden rule of, ‘Thou shalt always be cool’ and crossed into sounding desperate. I didn’t care.
‘Where you stand?’ said Luke lightly. ‘I don’t know. Where are you?’
‘In the classroom at school.’
‘Well that’s where you stand then,’ he said, then laughed. ‘Unless you’re sitting that is.’
I didn’t say anything. How could he be making jokes at a time like this? I thought.
‘Hey, TJ,’ said Luke. ‘Lighten up. Don’t be so heavy. I’ll sort it and be in touch.’
And then he hung up. Izzie was looking at me with concern as I clicked my phone shut and burst into tears.
Cures for Snog Rash
Add two to three drops of rose, camomile, or both, to a bowl of warm water. Soak a face flannel in the water, then apply to the snog rash area for a few minutes.
Alternatively add a few drops of the same oils to your moisturiser and apply to the area.
Chapter 17
The rest of the morning felt like eternity. I was dying to know if Nesta had spoken to Luke and what he’d said to her, but no way could I ask as she kept well out of my way and Lucy avoided Izzie and me, like we were the plague. Nesta looked as if she’d been crying, and it was all because of me. I felt so mean. And I felt sorry for Izzie, as she hadn’t done anything.
‘I am sooooo sorry,’ I said in the lunch break, as Izzie and I sat by a radiator in the school hall. We both had sandwiches in front of us, but neither of us had any appetite. ‘None of this is your fault and now it looks like Lucy’s mad with you as well.’
‘Well I’m mad with her now,’ said Izzie. ‘I mean, what is her problem? She’s my oldest mate and she hasn’t even tried to see things from my angle or yours. She just stomped off with Nesta and she hasn’t given either of us a chance to explain anything. Some friendship, huh? It’s like we’re fairweather friends, pals if everything is hunky-dory. Friends are supposed to talk about things, weather the storms. Be friends, come what may. Resolve problems. Not first sign of trouble and ooh, we’re not talking to you. It’s pathetic. And now I’m mad. And by the looks that Lucy’s been giving us all morning, she is too.’
‘I guess she’s feeling protective of Steve and Nesta. I feel awful. Nesta looks really upset. She’s been let down by two people, me and Luke.’
Izzie sighed. ‘I know, it must be tough for her. But it wasn’t as if you went out of your way to get Luke. He’s the one that should be feeling sorry. From everything you’ve told me, you’ve tried to resist.’
‘I did. I really did. I wish she’d let me explain. Anyway, it’s all been an almighty waste of time. Looks like I’ve lost two of my best mates and finished with Steve and what for? One night with Luke and only a raw chin to show for it. Luke couldn’t give a stuff about me. He was so weird on the phone, saying it was only a kiss and not to get heavy.’
‘I’d like to show him heavy,’ said Izzie. ‘I’d like to knock some sense into him. And so should you, TJ. I mean, come on, the guy’s been using the same line on you and Nesta and who knows how many others? He ought to take responsibility for his actions. And his words. But boys can be cowards sometimes and they all hate confrontation. It probably all came as a bit of a shock to him when you phoned. When they’re under attack, some boys’ first defence is to attack back. And who knows where he was when you called? You might not have got him on his own. If there were other boys around, he might have acted all cool because they were listening in . . . you know, keep up the macho, I’m-so-cool image. Pathetic.’
I glanced over at the other side of the hall where Lucy and Nesta were huddled together with their backs to everyone else.
‘It’s not Luke I care about right now,’ I said. ‘It’s Nesta and Lucy. I really value their friendship.’
‘And I thought that they valued ours,’ said Izzie looking over at them. ‘This is ridiculous.’
‘You don’t have to sit with me if you want to go over.’
‘I know,’ said Izzie. ‘I want to sit with you. I’ll speak to them when I’m good and ready.’
‘I wish I could make it all right.’
‘I think you should give Luke a piece of your mind. I think he’s been getting away with murder. When’s your next project meeting?’
‘Tonight.’
‘Are you going to go?’
‘Dunno.’
During English in the afternoon, instead of working on the essay that Mr Johnson had set us, I wrote a letter.
Dear Sian, Olivia and Luke,
I’m really sorry, but I can’t come to the meetings for the project any more. It’s due to circumstances beyond my control as some problems have come up that I have to deal with. I hope that you’ll understand and I really am sorry. I won’t let you down though and will make sure that all the parts of the projects that I was doing get to you in time for the presentation. I’ve almost finished everything, it’s just that I can’t come to the meetings.
Best of luck with it all,
TJ.
As soon as school had finished, I raced out to the prefab and left the letter on the desk where one of them would see it. Then I ran to the bus stop, praying that I wouldn’t bump into one of them on their way in. I stood at the bus stop with my coat collar pulled up as far as it would go and my hair swept over my face in the hope that no one would see me.
Unfortunately, as I waited, a car pulled up and Olivia got out.
‘Hey TJ,’ she said. ‘What you doing here? Not coming to the meeting?’
I shook my head. ‘No, er . . . sorry, something’s come up, but I have been working on the parts I said I would and I’ll get them to you in time.’
‘OK, cool,’ she said. ‘Is Sian in there already?’
‘Um, don’t think so. Why?’
Olivia shrugged. ‘Oh, no reason specially. How’s your mate Nesta?’
Ohmigod, does she know? I asked myself as panic flooded through me. But how could she?
‘Um, Nesta’s fine. Er . . . why do you ask?’ I didn’t want to say anything about her not speaking to me, as I intended to make things right with her if it was the last thing I did.
Olivia shifted uncomfortably. ‘I . . . I don’t know if I should tell you, but . . . see, I’ve met Nesta and I like her and well . . . I just wonder if one of us should warn her . . . ’
My sense of panic was replaced by a sense of dread. ‘Warn her about what?’
‘About Luke. Remember I told you that he’s a mate of my brother?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Is Nesta really keen on him?’
‘I . . . yes, she is, was, is. Why?’
‘I think Luke’s ready to do his usual act. He’s met someone new and Nesta’s had her allotted time . . .’
‘Really? Er . . . someone new? Who?’
‘Not certain, but I have an idea. He told William that he’s really fallen in love this time. Poor girl I say, as he only ever feels that way for about three months tops. Anyway, looks like Nesta might get dumped.’
I wondered if she knew anything about Luke and me, but was playing it cool. ‘But why tell me?’ I asked.
‘Well I thought he might have talked to you. You know, about Sian . . .’
‘Sian?’
‘Yeah. Well it must be her, mustn’t it? Who else? I know she’s not his usual type, but she did let it slip the other night that something had happened between them. I must say I was a bit surprised, but Luke must see something in her. I wasn’t sure whether to say anything, but I know that Nesta’s a mate of yours and well . . . looks like she might get hurt. I’ve known Luke for a long time, remember I told you . . .’
I nodded. ‘About his cut-off date. Looks like Nesta’s not even going to make the three months.’
‘Yeah. He knows he’s got her, so needs to make a new conquest.
I think he’s still trying to prove that he is Mister Attractive and can make anyone fall in love with him.’
‘So Nesta was just another conquest?’
‘It’s probably not that cold. I think he genuinely does fall for the girls he goes out with, but then he meets someone new and can’t resist seeing if he can get them as well. That’s when it all gets messy, as he isn’t very good about coming clean that he’s moved on and he leaves a trail of girls wondering where they stand with him. Bit of a coward when it comes to confrontation.’
And in the meantime, he doesn’t realise the damage he does, I thought. The friendships he can destroy. Well, he’s not going to destroy mine just to prove something to himself.
‘I know it should be Luke that tells Nesta,’ said Olivia, ‘but, knowing him from the past, he’ll avoid the situation so you can tell her if you want. Warn her so that she’s ready for it. Anyway, better get going. See you next time.’
As she walked off, I felt more confused that ever. Was Luke still involved with Sian, or could this girl that Luke was smitten over be me? Or someone else entirely? Not that I wanted to have a relationship with him any more. No way. Losing my mates was too high a price to pay for a flaky relationship with a boy who didn’t know what or who he wanted. I just wanted to find out what had been going on. As I stood there lost in my thoughts, I saw Luke appear around the corner and stride towards the school. My heart started beating in my chest. Maybe he’d come early in the hope of catching me on my own before Sian and Olivia arrived from their schools, I thought. Or maybe he wanted to speak to Sian? No, no, I told myself, he’d reassured me many times that there was nothing going on with Sian and I believed him. Maybe I shouldn’t run away like a coward. Maybe I should talk to him and find out what was going on. Yes. He might be scared of confrontation, but I wasn’t. I wanted to get my friends back, so I needed to be clear about what had been going on before I spoke to them again. I stepped out of the bus queue and started to walk towards him. As soon as he saw me, he veered off to the right, then called to a girl from Year Ten who had just come out of the school gates.
I couldn’t believe it. He had blanked me. I felt myself crumble inside. Luckily my bus came round the corner a moment later, so I hastily rejoined the bus queue, dived on to the bus and sat there in a daze for the journey home. When I got back, I told Mum that I didn’t feel well, didn’t want any supper and was going straight to bed.
Once underneath my duvet, I tried to make sense of what had happened. Why had he turned away from me like he hadn’t seen me? Surely he’d have been expecting me to have been at the meeting, so why blank me in the street? Should I call him, have it out with him? I wondered. But the courage I’d felt earlier seemed to have faded and I felt weary of the whole business. Anyway, I told myself, he’d only tell me not to get heavy again. He said he’d sort it. Maybe I should let him. He’d probably call sooner or later and when he did I’d have my questions ready. I looked at the phone and willed it to ring. But then, he’d be in the meeting with Olivia and Sian. Or maybe he had a letter like mine to deliver, saying he wouldn’t be coming to meetings either. I hoped not. What a mess. It would be a shame to blow the project after all the work we’d put in. Maybe I should call Nesta. She was probably at home in a similar state to me. Questioning everything. I felt awful about that. Maybe she was slagging me off to anybody who’d listen. My stomach knotted as I imagined her talking to Tony or with Lucy at her house, talking to her brothers and all of them hating me. How could I ever be friends with them again? They’d never let me. All of them would think I was a horrible person and maybe I was. A boyfriend stealer. And not just any boyfriend, I stole one of my best friends’ boyfriend. Nesta was so brilliant when Hannah went out to South Africa last year and I felt like I didn’t have a friend in the world. She’d gone out of her way to make me feel welcome in her home and her life, and how had I returned her friendship?
Oh God. I hate myself. I should have resisted Luke last night. Told him to go home. Why didn’t I? Because I am the worst person in the whole world. Yes, they are probably all sitting round right now talking about what a rotten person I am. And Luke? Who knows what’s going on in his mind. I’d been a complete fool? Why had I let him in last night? But after our marathon snogging session, I’d been so sure that he’d felt as strongly about me as I did about him and now, now I didn’t know what to think. Am I desperate to have given in so easily? But it hadn’t felt like that at the time, it had felt wonderful, perfect, meant to be. As the thoughts whirled round and round in my head, my mind began to feel exhausted. Is this what being in love is really like, I wondered as I recalled the conversation about it that I’d had with the girls only weeks ago. Feeling ill, like I wanted to curl up and die and yet, only last night, I’d felt on top of the world, in heaven. Now I was in hell, hell, hell.
Not long after I’d taken to my bed, Mum came in with a thermometer. She put her hand on my forehead and looked at me anxiously. ‘Doesn’t feel like you’ve got a temperature,’ she said as she held out the thermometer, ‘but pop this in your mouth and we’ll see.’
I didn’t object. How could I tell her that I had heartache. The love bug. It might be internal, but it hurts just as bad as any physical illness. If only there was a tablet I could take to ease the pain, I thought, make it all go away. It’s so easy with a cold or flu, you just take a Lemsip and have hot drinks. With a broken leg, you put on a bandage but with a broken heart, what do you take? What can you do? There isn’t an ointment or plaster that can mend it.
After a few minutes, Mum took out the thermometer. ‘No, your temperature’s normal, TJ. How are you feeling? What are the symptoms?’
I moaned and turned away from her to the wall. She was being so nice to me. If she only knew what a bad person I was. I felt tears in my eyes and didn’t want her to see me crying.
‘Sore head,’ I said. ‘Just need to sleep a while.’
‘I’ll bring you a paracetamol,’ said Mum, ‘then let me know if there’s anything else you want.’
‘Thanks. Got to sleep now.’
I waited for her to leave, but I could hear that she was still in my room. I could feel her looking at me even though my back was turned.
‘TJ, is there anything you want to talk about? Anything bothering you?’
‘No, just need to sleep,’ I said. All I wanted was to be left alone so that I could have a good cry.
‘Is it the move to Devon that’s upsetting you because . . . ’
‘No. No, not that. I told you, I don’t think I mind going now, in fact I think it will be for the best.’
Mum sat on the end of the bed and put her hand on my leg.
‘So what then, love? You can tell me.’
‘I can’t. Just . . . just have you . . . have you ever wished that you could turn back time?’
‘Millions of times,’ said Mum softly. ‘Could it be . . . something to do with a boy?’
I felt tears well up in my eyes. ‘Yes. No . . . Just . . . I’ve made such a huge mistake . . .’ I hesitated. I couldn’t open up to her. I just couldn’t. I felt too ashamed. She looked so worried, sitting there watching me, that I felt I had to say something. ‘Oh don’t worry, I’m not pregnant or on drugs or anything. It’s just . . . a friend thing. I’ve . . . well, I messed up with my mates. But I’ll . . . I’ll sort it.’
Mum squeezed my leg. ‘We all mess up from time to time, TJ. That’s how we learn in life. It can be tough sometimes, but we can’t always get it right. Thing is when you fall, you have two choices, to lie there feeling sorry for yourself or to get up and try and right whatever you’ve done. No crime in falling. The only crime is staying down.’ She got up to go. ‘Nobody’s perfect. Maybe you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. Whatever you’ve done, I’m sure there’s a way to make it come right. Sleep on it. Things always seem better after a good night’s sleep.’
Email: Inbox (2)
From: mwatts@fastmail
To: [email protected]
Date: 12th December
Subject: Dresses
Hey TJ
I picked up the dresses ready for us to try tomorrow. I hope you like yours. I think you will. It’s not too girlie.
See you soon,
Love
Marie
Email: Inbox (1)
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: 12th December
Subject: True Love
Hasta la bandango amigo
Wow! Sounds like the real thing with Lukiemanukie. Please invite me to the wedding and I will buy a hat. Can I be bridesmaid?
Your friend
Hannah
Email: Outbox (1)
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: 12th December
Subject: Love Sucks
Dear Hannah
No wedding. Except Marie’s of course. No. No love affair either. It has all blown up in my face and I have lost my friends and Steve. Feel the worst I’ve ever felt in my whole life (even worse than last time I felt my worst) and now I have to go and play happy bridesmaids as we’re going to Devon for my dress fitting tomorrow. I think I will stand up in the church and yell, DON’T do it. Love sucks. There ought to be a government warning against it. Will explain more later.
Lots of love
TJ
Chapter 18
The next day, I got up and ready to go to Devon but, when I got downstairs, Mum took one look at me and told me to go back to bed. I knew I looked bad, with bags under my eyes which were still bloodshot from last night. I’d tried putting in some eye-drops that I’d found in the bathroom cabinet, but they hadn’t helped much. I still looked like I’d been awake most of the night. Which I had.
‘You look awful,’ she said. ‘How are you feeling?’
‘Not one hundred percent but I’ll be OK.’
Mates, Dates and Tempting Trouble Page 12
