Saving Me

by Sadie Allen

  “I just love that boy. So charming and athletic …”

  Oh yeah, that’s why.

  The last thing I needed was her in my business.

  My phone went off again, and I looked down, expecting it to be Miles again. Instead, it was a snap from someone I didn’t know. Perfecttragedy5.

  I opened it, seeing a picture of the lake as the sun went down. It was beautiful, even more beautiful than yesterday’s sunset. The sky was painted in blues, pinks, and oranges; clouds soft and glowing warm; the light winking off the smooth-as-glass water. The text band read, “Sunsets over the lake. 1 reason to stay.”

  My breath caught, and then panic squeezed my heart like a vise.

  Sterling.

  Before she could see my face, which probably advertised my panic, Mom’s phone rang, and she walked over to where it was charging. When she answered, a dark cloud moved over her face. She turned around and moved to the edge of the room as she hissed into the phone, “I told you not to …”

  I kept my eyes down on my phone. The picture was gone, but the memory of it was enough to score my soul. Its beauty had sparked something inside me, a hopefulness I had never felt as I gazed into its glowing warmth. I had been numb for so long, and I didn’t want to feel again, yet Sterling was making me feel with little effort on his part. I didn’t even know him.

  Being able to feel meant I could get hurt, and I couldn’t bear the weight of emotion on my heart anymore. It was too hard, too messy. The people in my life had slowly leeched everything good from me. I was an ash casting, ready to blow into dust.

  And now, if I had any appetite at all, it had just died. The urge to flee, to be alone was too much. I couldn’t even make my lungs work, and I desperately needed air.

  I peeked at my mother who had her back to me and was talking quietly yet angrily into her phone. Her posture was stiff and almost vibrating. She leaned against the doorway, and I saw her reach around to massage her lower back. A knot formed in my belly, tight and hot. She was in pain.

  My throat felt thick, and tears welled in my eyes. I would figure something out soon. Maybe I could clean her pain pills up and put them back? I’d have to wait until I could get out to my car without her noticing.

  I scooted my stool back, grabbed my crutches, and limped to my room. I didn’t bother showering, I just changed into my pajamas and crawled under the covers. The sobs I had been holding back were choking me. The tears I had been holding at bay broke loose. I could cry here, alone in my room. The darkness, a blanket of security as I curled into myself and let them flow.

  At one point, I heard the door open and close, but nothing else.

  I was weak. So freaking weak and powerless. Why wouldn’t God just let me die? Why did I have to even be born? The hollowness inside me was infinite. My heart felt heavy, like every beat was a Herculean feat. It, along with my mind and body, were sinking, too tired to fight the pull of the encroaching darkness. I wanted to slip under. I wanted the peace it would bring. To not feel a single thing ever again.

  My life was just like Sterling’s Snapchat username.

  A perfect tragedy.

  I was in the parking lot at school, sitting on the hood of my car, waiting for my mother to pick me up for physical therapy. The doctor’s office had called her that morning, telling her they had gotten me an appointment for today. She texted me after first period and said she would be here at lunch.

  My eyes were still swollen and puffy from crying myself to sleep last night, and my head felt like it was full of cotton. The sun was high, but the air still held a bite of chill. It was track weather. I could feel it in the air. The crisp, coolness would grow colder as the sun set, and something about it invigorated me; made me anticipate the beginning of another season. I could picture the stadium lights glowing against the dark sky, the crowd milling about like ants, the sound of the starter gun cracking into the silence, and the eruption of cheers at the end of a race.

  Only … I wouldn’t have another season.

  I gazed around the parking lot and let my eyes wander toward the track that lay behind it. Memories of me standing in this exact spot flooded my consciousness.

  My father would usually take me to school on meet days. He did this so I could ride home with him afterward and listen to him talk about what I could improve on or the mistakes I had made. Basically, things that made me want to bash my head against the passenger window. I didn’t think he had really cared if I listened or not. He just enjoyed hearing his own voice.

  I wouldn’t miss that.

  I also wouldn’t miss the weigh-ins, the constant click of the stopwatch, or the overtraining and stretching. I wouldn’t miss the sound of my father’s voice as he told me how inadequate I was.

  I wouldn’t miss him.

  Not wanting to think about him or track any longer, I was about to pull my earphones out of my bag and fire up one of my playlists when I felt the warmth of someone’s body nudge mine.

  “Hey,” Sarah said as she dropped her bag on the concrete at our feet.

  “Hey. What are you doing out here?”

  “Doctor’s appointment. Jean Adele is taking me to get my birth control pills.”

  I nodded because, well, she needed them.

  Sarah Burns was a member of our clique, and the only one who was on the track team with me. The rest of the girls were cheerleaders or on the volleyball team. I had been a cheerleader my freshman year, until my dad wanted me to solely concentrate on track. In a way, I was grateful, since Laura and Ariel were cheerleaders.

  When those two were together, no one was safe. They would pick a girl apart until she was a raw and bloody mess. I hated it. Hated how they would comment on a girl’s looks, her clothes, her family, or even the way she talked. If they had a boyfriend, they made sure to flirt with him. It was disgusting.

  Sarah could be like that when she was with Laura and those girls. Mostly, she was a chameleon. She would act like the people she was around and told you everything she thought you wanted to hear. That made her a favorite of Laura’s because she loved feeling like queen bee, and Sarah supplied that crap.

  She also supplied info.

  “So …” she drew out.

  I held my breath and lifted my brows as I waited for the inevitable question.

  “Why was Sterling Chapman singing to you yesterday?”

  I studied her face and saw the open curiosity there. What I didn’t like was the eagerness that laced her voice. She was like a dog shaking with anticipation of finding the bone her master wanted her to bring back.

  I sighed and decided to search out my headphones as I said, “I don’t know.”

  And that was the truth. I didn’t know why he had sung that song while he looked at me. I had thought he didn’t like me, if I went by the words he had told me after knocking the pills from my hand.

  I thought you were better.

  Would I ever forget those words? They crept into my mind when I least expected them.

  I wanted to be better, but I felt like it was too late for me. My time had passed.

  “He’s so freakin’ hot,” she said dreamily.

  I didn’t say anything. I turned on my headphones, activated the Bluetooth on my phone, and then waited for them to sync.

  “I’d do him.”

  My jaw clenched. I had the urge to shove her off my car because she would so do him. She had done most of the athletic teams at school, and maybe a few coaches, too. Her panties would be considered ankle warmers if she wore any at all.

  When my phone finally connected with my headphones, I inserted one earbud as I told Sarah, “No offense, but I have a screaming headache and want to zone out.” I made a show of fiddling with the other one.

  Annoyance flashed across her face before she hid it with a pout. She wasn’t going to let me off the hook that easily. There was gossip to be had, and she was going to be the one to dig it out.

  “Tell me something; a guy just doesn’t sing about a girl’s body lik
e that without getting in on some of that action. You hooking up with him on the low?” She waggled her eyebrows up and down and nudged me with her shoulder as she added, “I won’t tell Miles.”

  I snorted. I wanted to say, “Yeah, I bet you know all about that,” but what came out of my mouth was, “Nothing to tell. Like I said, I don’t know why he sang to me.” That said, I put the other earbud in my ear and hit play.

  The first song on my playlist was from the Suicide Squad movie, “Sucker for Pain.” I closed my eyes and tried to quiet my mind, but over the music, Sterling’s words haunted me all over again.

  At some point, I heard a car and felt Sarah move away, but I didn’t open my eyes until I heard my mother’s car horn.

  I grabbed my crutches and my backpack, and slowly moved to what felt like my doom.

  Hours later, I was lying on the couch, watching Gilmore Girls, now dressed in my black Lululemon tank that split down the back and a matching pair of yoga pants, when they arrived. Mom had gone to run errands, and my dad was on his trip, so I was alone in the house. My leg hurt from the electrode thing the physical therapist had put on my injured leg, which was why I was lying on two ice packs and letting the world of Stars Hollow and the quick-witted women on screen take me away.

  I heard the front door open and my eyes flew to the doorway. Miles, Laura, Ariel, and Sarah stood in the entryway of the living room, staring at me.

  I felt a knot form in my throat when I noticed the girls wore a variation of what I wore. We could have been an ad for Lululemon. Laura’s tank was white and see-through, showing off the lavender Barre bra underneath. Ariel’s was just a regular purple tank that fit loosely on her body, but dipped down in front. Sarah’s looked like mine in the front, except she had knotted it so her belly showed. All three wore the same exact pair of tight stretch yoga pants that I was currently wearing, and I really wished for a blanket right about now to cover myself.

  It was then I vowed, I vowed to raid my closet and sell every single article of clothing. If I wasn’t going to die anytime soon, I was going to change everything. I just needed to figure out how.

  A throat cleared, and I looked up into the face of my “boyfriend” who stood behind the trio, his tall bulk making them look small in comparison.

  “How you feeling, baby?” His eyes looked worried, whereas I wanted to roll mine.

  “Fine,” I sighed.

  It was a shame the guy was so handsome; the wounded puppy look worked well on him. He still didn’t match Sterling’s dark beauty, yet I could still see what I saw in him years ago. He was cute, and he could be sweet, but he just couldn’t say no to other girls.

  Miles moved through the line of girls. “You didn’t answer any of my calls or texts.”

  It sounded more like an accusation than a statement, so I didn’t answer. What did he want me to say? That I didn’t want to talk to him? Likely not.

  When he reached the couch, he sat at the end and carefully lifted my feet, putting them on his lap. I caught the flash of anger, or maybe it was hurt, that came across Laura’s face before she and the others moved to the love seat.

  “This okay?” Miles asked, and I nodded. Surprisingly, the movement hadn’t hurt. My mom had reattached the compression bandage and had laid a new ice pack under me before she had left.

  “I never understood why you liked this show so much. Rory is kind of lame,” Laura cut in.

  My mind blanked. Lame? Rory was awesome. She lived in Stars Hollow where the people were supportive and hilarious, unlike Oleander where they were indifferent and judgmental. She also dated a guy like Dean who was majorly hot and sweet.

  Another tall, dark, and handsome guy flashed through my mind, but I shook my head to clear his image.

  “So, are you going to the party tonight?” That was Sarah, the informant and brown-noser.

  “No, I’m not supposed to move very much for the next forty-eight hours. Doctor’s orders,” I lied with a shrug. I should probably act a lot more bummed, but I wasn’t. I didn’t want to go. I never wanted to go, but Laura’s was the one place where my father would let me go without an interrogation. Laura’s father was in the same fraternity as mine, and for some reason, it gave anything that had to do with the Daniels family a stamp of approval. So, I normally went on the rare occasion that both her parents were out of town and she wanted to host a party.

  “That’s too bad,” Laura said, though her tone contradicted her words.

  “I could stay here with you. Veg out in front of the TV like we used to,” Miles offered.

  I looked at him from out of the corner of my eye. We never did that anymore, not since freshman year.

  I was about to answer him, but whether I would affirm or deny his suggestion, I wouldn’t find out since Ariel broke in.

  “You can’t. You told Gage you would give him a ride tonight.”

  Gage was Ariel’s boyfriend. He was the catcher to Miles’ pitcher. He wasn’t as tall as Miles, but he was broader, stouter, and resembled an ox. They were best friends, and since Gage wrecked his truck last month, we all took turns carting him around. Not me so much because everyone knew how my dad was, and no one wanted to deal with a pissed off Derek Everly. Being an unapproved passenger wasn’t something Gage wanted to try, especially since he was of the male species. My dad barely tolerated Miles coming around.

  “Oh yeah,” he replied, sounding genuinely disappointed.

  It was times like these when I felt a stirring for him in my chest. Not love or attraction, but something akin to tenderness. That was, until Laura ruined it.

  “Did Miles tell you he confronted Sterling about him singing to you yesterday?”

  What now?

  “You did what?” I asked carefully, quietly.

  I could feel the eyes of the others on me as they studied my reaction, so I kept my face impassive. On the inside, however, I was a riot of emotions and questions. Did he only talk to him? Did he try to scare him away? Did he get physical? The thought of Miles hitting Sterling made me want to haul off and hit him. Sterling had been nothing but nice. If it wasn’t for him, they probably would have found my dead body slumped in the bleachers. I had to fight the urge to do my breathing exercises as prickles of anxiety crept over my skin.

  “He disrespected my girl.”

  Deep breath in, exhale out.

  A strangled sound came from the love seat, and then a loud thump. My gaze shot to the girls, and I saw Laura’s face was pink, her fists balled in her lap, the knuckles on both white. Meanwhile, Ariel’s face held a grimace, and she was trying to scoot away from Laura.

  Uh-oh, I guess Laura didn’t like that so much.

  Why were we playing this game anymore? Why hadn’t Miles broken up with me for not putting out? Why didn’t he just play the field or date Laura? Why have I gone along with this insanity for so long?

  “Miles—”

  “Baby, you saying he had cause to sing that to you?” he asked, wrapping his hand around one of my feet. I wanted to jerk it away, but I didn’t, thinking I might hurt myself worse if I attempted.

  I ignored the snort and giggles coming from our audience. “No—”

  “Then I had to speak up. You’re mine, and no one poaches what’s mine.”

  Dear Lord. That was what all this “baby” stuff and wanting to hang around my house was about. He was peeing on me! Marking his territory! It was like I was some doll on a shelf that only he could play with, which I never let him play with, but still … I was simply a possession to him.

  I was going to have to break up with him soon. I would do it now, but I didn’t want to in front of Flopsy, Mopsy, and Cottontail.

  “He was just joking. You didn’t hit him, did you?”

  He narrowed his eyes, and his grip on my foot tightened. “No, but why do you care? It wasn’t funny.”

  “It kind of was …” Sarah chimed in.

  I shot her a look that promised retribution.

  She read that look and looked towar
d the TV that was still playing Gilmore Girls.

  I reached over and paused it, cursing myself for not doing it earlier. Now I was going to have to rewind it.

  “Well, Miles, we need to go. I still have some supplies to pick up for the party tonight,” Laura said as she stood abruptly.

  Thank God. I was grateful, even though she didn’t do it with my comfort in mind. More like she didn’t like watching Miles try to be sweet to me any more than I did.

  “I could—”

  “I need your help with some things.” Laura cut Miles off with a hard stare and raised brows.

  He sent her an unhappy look, but he didn’t say no. Instead, he gently moved my feet and got up from the couch.

  “We’ll see you at school on Monday?” Laura inquired, and I nodded. “Good.”

  She led the girls out of the room like a mother duck leading her ducklings to water. One of them yelled, Ariel more than likely, “Feel better soon!” The sound of their giggles echoed in the hall before I heard the door close behind them.

  Miles was still standing by the couch when my eyes left the doorway and turned to him. He just stared at me.

  “What?”

  “Why can’t I figure you out?” he asked, seemingly more to himself. The tip of his tongue was lodged in the corner of his mouth as he sometimes did when he was concentrating on something, forehead furrowed, and his arctic blue eyes bore into me like they could penetrate my skull and discover the mysteries I had hidden there.

  I shrugged. Not sure what to say since I wasn’t quite sure where he was going with that question. What did he want to know? It wasn’t like he didn’t know the basic things. We did grow up together.

  He opened his mouth to say something, but then the sound of a horn blared outside. He dropped his head slightly to one side and squeezed his eyes shut, his mouth tight. After a moment, he blinked them open and looked toward the television, his stare fixed on the frozen still of Lorelai’s mouth open in mid-speak. His square jaw flexed and moved like he was grinding his teeth.