Saving Me

by Sadie Allen

  “Who’s making those decisions, princess, if not you? It’s kind of hard to do that without your consent.”

  I winced. He was right. All the same, it was embarrassing revealing how weak I was to a guy who seemed to have it all together.

  “I didn’t even put up a fight,” I whispered. “I was always on the outside looking in, yet it was my life I was watching play out before me. I was an observer of my own freaking life. How messed up is that?” Tears stung my eyes, but I kept them at bay. I didn’t want him to see me cry again. I wanted to be strong. I needed to be strong.

  He grabbed the chains and stilled the movement of my swing, then dipped his head down until all I could see were his fantastic eyes. I lifted mine to his, even though shame had me wanting to keep them on the ground.

  “So, what are you going to do about it?” His eyes drilled into mine, filled with so much determination that I felt it bolster my own.

  “What do you mean?” I whispered.

  “Are you going to let that happen to you again?”

  My eyes slid to the side and away from his as I thought about my life before I jacked up my leg. The thought of living that way again made me sick to my stomach. I couldn’t go back to that. It wasn’t a life.

  It was a slow death.

  “No,” I answered, resolved that I would run away before I let myself get put back in Derek Everly’s golden cage.

  Panic crawled along the back of my neck, and my hands began to sweat. I needed to change the subject, so I choked out, “Your regrets? You never said what they were.”

  He leaned back, letting go of my swing’s chains. I watched as he pushed his feet against the ground and lurched forward then back. “About what?”

  I had a feeling he knew what I was asking and didn’t want to answer, but I persisted.

  “The past.”

  Sterling stopped his momentum and blew out a breath. He glanced at me, indecision flickering on his face. “I’m hesitant to talk about her with you. Not that I don’t want you to know about my past relationships, but … it’s over.”

  I just lifted a brow and stared at him, not sure I really wanted to talk about the beautiful non-elephant in the room who could pass for a young Megan Fox lookalike.

  He read my look and sighed. “I regret wasting so much time with Raven.”

  Hearing him say her name was like a punch to the gut, which was silly because, with anyone else, it was just annoying. With Sterling, though, I didn’t like it. Not one bit. I didn’t want any of her, even her name, anywhere near his mouth.

  “What happened with her? B and E said that y’all used to date.” I had tried to sound nonchalant, but I wasn’t sure if I succeeded. I had probably sounded like the petty, jealous person I felt like.

  “B and E?” Humor laced his tone.

  “Blake and Elodie.”

  He chuckled. “That sounds about right.”

  “Raven?” I questioned.

  His eyes strayed to the woods that surrounded the backend of the playground as he rocked his swing back and forth. Then his eyes swung back to me, full of seriousness when he said, “Raven and I are over. For good. I just want to make that clear.”

  “Okay,” I stated, feeling all the tension that had been in my body since her name was mentioned release.

  “We’ve been off and on since freshman year. Mostly off, but every now and then, she convinced me to give her another chance. I loved her, so I would. At least, until she would ruin it.”

  The tension was back, and my body had locked when he had used the word loved.

  “How would she ruin it?”

  “Being herself,” he replied sardonically.

  I snorted, and a faint smile tipped his mouth.

  “So, why were you with her? What made you love her enough to keep taking her back?”

  I had to know. I wanted to know what would hook a guy like him so deeply that he would give you years’ worth of second chances.

  “She’s … well … she’s beautiful.”

  My heart fell. That was it? She’s beautiful?

  My hopes popped like a helium-filled balloon, and disappointment became a weight crushing down on my chest. I was traditionally pretty in that girl next-door kind of way, but Raven? Raven was exotic and in your face kind of gorgeous.

  “And … she’s damaged.”

  Damaged?

  Something twisted inside me and bile surged up my throat. Was that why he was attracted to me? Because I was damaged?

  I shot up from the swing and whirled to face him, the pain the movement caused lost in my fury. “Is that why I’m here? You like damaged, and I’m pretty freaking damaged, right? That’s the only reason someone like you”—I pointed my finger at him—“would want someone like me?” I jabbed my finger into my chest. Then I stared at the space above his head and muttered, “Knew it was too good to be true.”

  “That’s not what I meant,” he said as he got up and moved toward me.

  I held up a hand to ward him off, but he just pushed into my space anyway.

  I kept my eyes trained resolutely on his black tee, my voice cracking as I asked, “Can you please just take me home?”

  Tears blurred my vision, and this time, I didn’t bother fighting them. I couldn’t. The familiar sense of numbness slipped over my senses, and I began to retreat within. I couldn’t deal with this right now.

  He took my face in his warm hands and announced, “No, princess, I’m not taking you home. You’re going to let me explain, then I’ll take you home, and when we get there, we’ll make out by your window until I have to get back home.”

  My mind blanked. I knew I should probably protest, but my cylinders weren’t firing, like, at all.

  He stroked the apple of my cheek, and I closed my eyes. When he spoke again, my eyes flashed open, and I stared into his fathomless blue eyes with brown flecks.

  “She needed me … and I needed someone.”

  My brows knitted. What did that mean?

  “I don’t understand.”

  “Jack had to have major heart surgery right around the time I hooked up with her.”

  My mouth dropped open. I’d had no idea. Was he okay now?

  He continued, “We met in theater class, actually. She was new—her family had moved to Texas from Seattle—and she was the one who asked me out.” He chuckled, but it wasn’t one of humor. “I wasn’t in a good place. I was scared, and I mean, really scared. Thought I was going to lose my baby brother.” He closed his eyes, like the memory was too hard to bear, but then he opened them and finished in a somber tone, “I needed a distraction, and she was there.”

  Poor Jack, Sterling, and Pops. I couldn’t imagine having to cope with something like that. I had no siblings or any close relatives. What struck me was that Sterling said Raven was there for him. That didn’t sound like Raven. She seemed like someone who couldn’t see past her own agenda. But, what did I know? I didn’t actually know her that way, or at all, really.

  “Is Jack okay now?” I whispered, instinctively moving closer so my softness was pressed to all his hardness, my hands at his narrow waist.

  “Yeah,” he breathed out. “They think they fixed it all on that last surgery, and so far, it’s been true. For a while, though, I thought Pops and I would lose him.”

  “I’m glad you had Raven to get you through it.” I hated saying it, but having her had to be better than being alone. Right?

  He gave me a funny look that I didn’t quite understand.

  “I mean, she doesn’t seem like the type now to be that way, but … at least she was good to you.”

  Sterling started laughing, and my confusion grew.

  “What’s so funny?” I tried to pull away, but he brought his arms around me and held me to him.

  “Raven is a crap girlfriend, then and now.”

  “Then, what—”

  “Princess, Raven …” he started then looked to the sky like it might tell him how to explain the situation. That was wh
en something clicked, and I replayed his earlier words.

  He had said, “she was there,” not “she was there for him.”

  “Oh,” I squeaked as it dawned on me.

  “Mistook that for love.” He shrugged. “I was hurting. She saw that, used it, and I let her. She wanted a boyfriend, and I gave her one until I couldn’t. Couldn’t watch her do stupid crap anymore.” He mumbled the last part.

  So, him and Raven … The image of them together seemed to burrow its way into my brain. It hurt to imagine him kissing her the way he kissed me. Touching her …

  I shook my head to dislodge the picture and asked, “Like what stupid crap?”

  “Drugs. Drinking.”

  I grimaced. “Really?”

  “Really.”

  “You weren’t into that?”

  He gave me a look. “Hell no! My pops would kick my tail. Plus, Jack being sick … I wouldn’t have done that to him. I’ll admit I’ve had a beer or two in the past … but drugs?” He shook his head. “Nope. My mom’s a junkie. I wouldn’t do that to myself, and I especially wouldn’t do that to my pops.”

  I nodded. “So, it’s over?”

  He looked at me, eyes burning with so much heat that I squirmed in his hold. “Yeah. It’s over for me and her, and I don’t want to talk about her anymore.”

  “Okay,” I conceded, since a lot of what he had told me tonight was some pretty heavy stuff. He didn’t need me to push him for more.

  He smiled, and my muscles seemed to liquify.

  I turned and laid my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. It was strong and comforting.

  “And just for the record, I wouldn’t have started things with you if I was still involved with her. I’m not that guy,” I heard and felt him say, his lips against my hair.

  “Good to know.”

  “And, Ally?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Your hair stinks.”

  We both laughed, and if I wasn’t so emotionally drained, I probably would have remembered to be embarrassed.

  The ringing of my phone woke me from what felt like a minute of sleep. I usually loved the sound since it was the theme song of my favorite show, Gilmore Girls, but Sterling had brought me home at four thirty, and then we had made out against the side of the house until five.

  I rubbed the grit from my eyes and reached for my phone on the nightstand. The screen showed the picture I had added to Sterling’s contact, the one of him with the puppy dog ears. I noted it was way too early to be awake yet.

  I swiped my finger over the screen and put the phone to my ear. “Why are you awake?” I whined.

  “Did you forget?” Sterling’s humor was clear over the line.

  “Forget what?” I barked.

  “Set work today at nine.”

  Squinting at the window and seeing the sun was already up, I put the heel of my hand to my forehead and muttered, “Oh, crap.”

  “I’ll be there in five.”

  When I heard nothing else, I pulled the phone from my ear and looked at the screen. He had hung up on me!

  I flipped the covers off and hobbled to the bathroom.

  My new clothes wouldn’t be delivered until sometime this upcoming week, so I dressed in jeans and a lacy cami with a gray knit cardigan from H&M. I opted for black ballet flats since I probably shouldn’t attempt to walk in boots or heels just yet.

  The doorbell rang, and my tummy fluttered. No one was up yet. I wasn’t even sure if my dad was here, which made me glad. I didn’t know where he had gone, and I was scared to ask. Things weren’t right with my parents. I wasn’t stupid.

  The bell rang again. I slowly moved to the entryway, flung the door open, and there he was. And wow. He was dressed in black jeans, a gray Henley with a leather jacket over it, and a slouchy gray beanie covering his messy dark brown hair. Seriously hot. I still mourned the loss of the lip ring, though.

  “Ready?” he asked with a flash of white teeth.

  “Yeah.” I patted the purse at my side then turned and closed the door. Instantly, he grabbed my hand and led me to his car.

  “Where are your parents?”

  I searched the driveway. No cars.

  Confused, I unzipped my purse and pulled out my phone, seeing a text from Mom.

  Mom: Had an appointment. Be back sometime this afternoon.

  I swiped open my phone and punched out a reply.

  Ally: K.

  Ally: @ school 4 theater.

  Then I shoved my phone back into my purse and slid into the car while Sterling held the door open. Once I was situated and belted in, he leaned in and kissed me gently on the lips before pulling back an inch and whispering, “Good morning.”

  On the way there, we debated movies of all things. He asked me what my favorite one was, and I went into a spiel of all the movies I loved and how I couldn’t pick just one. Most of my picks weren’t even from this decade. I loved older movies, especially teen romantic comedies. He scoffed at my choices and declared that The Fast and the Furious franchise had the best movies of all time. I didn’t know if he was just poking fun at me or if he was serious. The banter was something new, but it was fun and natural, both of us laughing at the other. My belly actually hurt from laughing so much.

  When we pulled into the mostly empty school parking lot, I saw Blake’s Ford Fiesta and wondered if Elodie had caught a ride with him. I had learned yesterday that Elodie didn’t have a car, so she rode to most places with Blake. He even picked her up for school. I thought maybe I could help Blake out sometimes since he had to work three days a week at his sister’s salon after school.

  “Hey.” Sterling got my attention, and I turned to face him. His brows were furrowed, and he had a serious expression on his face. “I didn’t get much sleep last night—”

  “No kidding? I didn’t either.” I smirked then added, “I wonder why.”

  He gave me a small smile, but it fell when he continued. “I couldn’t stop thinking about what you said last night. I know I said I had regrets, but … I’m not sure I would call them regrets anymore.”

  My whole body froze. What did that mean? Was he going to try to get Raven back? Had something happened? Had I done something?

  “Relax, princess,” he cajoled, squeezing my hand that he had held during the entire drive and rubbing his thumb between my thumb and pointer finger.

  I blew out a breath and tried to relax my rigid muscles.

  “Everything is supposed to happen for a reason, right? That’s what everyone says. So, if everything happens for a reason, then my wasting time with Raven led me to where I am right now.” He looked at our hands, fingers intertwined on his thigh. “I wouldn’t trade any of those bad decisions, if it means I get to sit with you right here, right now, holding your hand.”

  My breath caught, and tears filled my eyes. If I hadn’t already been half in love with him, I would have fallen head-over-heels in this instant. That said, I was all the way in love with him now. There was no turning back. Sterling Chapman owned me, heart and soul, and I couldn’t tell him yet, if ever.

  “Don’t cry,” he demanded softly, his voice achingly tender.

  “I think that’s the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me,” I hiccupped.

  He reached over with his free hand and traced the tears that had spilled down one cheek. Then he trailed his fingers along my jaw until he rested the pad of his thumb on my lower lip.

  A nervous habit had me licking my lips, brushing my tongue against his thumb. Sterling’s eyes heated until they practically glowed. Then he pushed his thumb farther into my mouth until it scraped my bottom teeth. Not knowing what else to do … I kissed it.

  Sterling’s eyes dilated, and his nostrils flared. If I thought his look was hot before, it was downright scorching as he watched my lips and his thumb. His hand tightened on mine, and my body flushed with heat.

  “We don’t have time to make out. We’re already late,” he rasped, pulling his thumb back but sweeping it
back and forth over my lip, eyes never leaving his movements.

  Neither of us made to move out of the car. The air was thick with electricity. Goose bumps pebbled on my skin.

  Sterling groaned as he pulled away then closed his eyes and let his forehead bang against the steering wheel. Then he reached for the door handle and broke the spell.

  I giggled.

  As we walked into the cafetorium, Sterling had upgraded from hand holding to putting his arm around my shoulders. I was snuggled into his side, soaking up the affection. I hadn’t had a lot of it in my life, so his PDA was something I liked. Really liked. He was warm and made me feel safe.

  All eyes came to us, and then whispers broke out. I knew they were talking about my hair. I shrank farther into Sterling, wishing I could disappear.

  “It’ll be okay, princess. You’re beautiful,” he stated.

  I wanted to believe him, but the looks of disbelief and stares had me wanting to murder Blake.

  “You both are late … again,” Mrs. Cook barked.

  I had never seen her wear anything other than a variant of a house dress and cardigan combo, but today she wore blue jean overalls, with a white, long-sleeved shirt underneath, and a red bandana tied over her hair. She even had on sneakers.

  I stifled a chuckle and apologized, “Sorry, Mrs. Cook. It was my fault.”

  “I pulled into the lot this morning and didn’t see her car. Thought I’d go by and see if she needed a ride, which she did, since her mom borrowed her car,” Sterling lied.

  I shot him a nervous glance. He was staring down at me with an amused smirk on his lips.

  Mrs. Cook cleared her throat and looked down her nose at me, clearly not impressed with my apology or Sterling’s explanation. “Don’t let it happen again. And, by the way, you didn’t have to dye your hair. We could’ve just bought you a wig.”

  I searched the room for Blake, plotting my revenge, and saw him sitting at a table with Elodie, avoiding my glare.

  Mrs. Cook spun back to the rest of the room and stated, “Now that everyone has finally arrived, we’re going to split up into groups and plan out what props and sets we need to create for each scene. More than likely, there will be paint involved, so I hope you didn’t wear anything you don’t want to get dirty.”