by Tina Martin
“I’m in a bed, but not my bed.”
“It could be your bed,” Sean mumbled, thinking I didn’t hear him, but I did.
“Sean, you may get a lot of women with that charm of yours, but that doesn’t work on me.”
Sean laughed. “I already got you. Did I ever show you a copy of our marriage license?”
I was beside myself. I couldn’t believe Sean would even keep a copy of the bogus marriage license. We both knew the marriage wasn’t really a marriage – just an oversight in a contract. Sean kept it in the top drawer of his nightstand, under some cherry menthol cough drops, a box of Magnums, an Omar Tyree novel and a pack of Big Red chewing gum.
“Here it is,” he said, handing it to me.
“Wow. This is actually the first marriage license I’ve ever seen.” I handed it back to him quickly. “That’s really weird.”
“Yeah, I know. What feels even weirder is that my wife sleeps in a separate bedroom than I do like people used to do in the old days.”
“Whatever. I see you got jokes.” I began walking to the door, but Sean wasn’t joking. It seemed as if he viewed this marriage, if you could call it that, as a sign like we were supposed to be together.
“I’ll see you in the morning, okay?”
“Ah’ight, Monica.”
Entry 6
Sean and I talked about Cornelius today. Just talking about him made me realize some feelings for him that were still lingering inside of me. I wanted him so bad, but I knew I couldn’t have him back. And if I were that fortunate, things would never be the same between us. So, at this point, I’m contemplating how it would feel to love another man besides Cornelius. Could I? Could I find enough courage to let the past be ancient history and move on to someone else? I know that I cannot have Cornelius again, and it wasn’t my aim to find someone who was just like him. At this point in my life, love is enough.
On a more jaw-dropping note, I cannot believe Sean and I are married. I didn’t even know something like that could happen. Being the prompt man that he was, I’m surprised Sean didn’t get something like this resolved immediately. Instead, he knew about this from the moment I moved in and didn’t do a thing about it. Just by listening to him, I got the impression that he wanted this marriage to work. But why? He hardly even knows me. Maybe he misses being married to Shanelle. I’m not sure. All I know is that I can’t be nobody’s wife right now. This may sound selfish, but right now, it’s all about me. I have to find myself. I can’t do that while being attached to someone. That just won’t work.
Chapter 18 - The Dells
“Moooomyyy,” Roman said slowly, while standing beside my bed. “Wake up, Mommy.” I opened my eyes just enough to see the smile on his cute little face. Kids… gotta love ‘em. Even if they do wake you up at the butt crack of dawn.
“Hey, Roman. What’s going on, sweetie?”
“Me and Daddy cooked breakfast for you.”
“You did?”
“We sure did,” Sean said, as he came walking into my bedroom with a tray in his hand. He had on a smoke gray tank and a pair of jean shorts.
I sat up in the bed with my back propped up against a few pillows.
“Actually, Roman cooked the pancakes.”
For that moment, I was speechless. I could never picture Sean cooking breakfast for anyone, especially not for me.
“To what do I owe this honor?” I asked Sean, as he stood beside my bed.
It was eight in the morning and already he was looking good, like he’d just crawled out of bed that way. I know he put in his normal two-hour prep time, but there I laid with bed hair…looking as if I’d been in bed for weeks with the flu. I was embarrassed for him to see me like this.
“We just wanted to do something nice for you. You deserve it for everything you do for us.”
“Aww, that is so sweet. Thank you, guys.”
Sean bent over to give me a hug. When he did, his smooth face bumped up against mine. I could smell the soap he’d showered with mixed with the cologne he wore. It smelled so good I had to ask him what it was.
“Gosh, you smell good. What are you wearing?”
“It’s called Contradiction, by Calvin Klein.”
“Mmm.” I sniffed the air to get a whiff of the good smelling cologne. “You look good, too.”
Sean smiled at the compliment and said, “You look good yourself.”
“Yeah, whatever. I haven’t even brushed my teeth yet, and look at my hair. I’m a mess.”
Sean sat on the bed beside me, then leaned and kissed me smack dab in the middle of my forehead with those juicy pink lips of his.
“You look beautiful, Monica.” I smiled, then remembered how Cornelius used to kiss me in that very same spot sometimes before we went to bed or when he would say goodbye to me. “Now, we are going to let you eat. We’ll be downstairs, okay?”
“Okay, Sean. Thank you so much, and thanks for my pancakes, Roman.”
“You’re welcome, Mommy.”
After I enjoyed the delicious breakfast my boys whipped up for me, I dressed quickly and ran downstairs. Sean was sitting in the family room playing video games with Roman.
“You’re not beating him too bad are you, Roman?” I asked.
“He can’t catch up to me, Mommy.” Roman cackled.
I looked at them playing games together, and that is what I always wanted to see. It gave me a sense of completeness to see them together like that.
I was a little hesitant to tell Sean that I was going out of town with Keisha for the weekend. In a way, I didn’t want to tell him. I wasn’t sure how he was going to take it. Lately, it seems that Sean wanted all of my time.
“Sean, can I talk to you for a minute?”
Sean came walking out of the family room and into the living room where I was standing. He shut the door behind him.
“What’s up? How was breakfast?”
“It was wonderful. Thank you so much.”
“You’re welcome.”
“Anyway, it had completely slipped my mind, but Keisha and I made plans a while ago to go to the Dells this weekend. I’m leaving tonight…back on Sunday night. Are you okay with that?”
Sean was cool as a fan. He showed no emotion. That’s how I knew I was going to be in trouble. I had a feeling he wouldn’t like this. Somehow I knew he wanted to spend the day and the weekend with me.
“Well, I guess I’m going to have to be okay with it. Your mind is already made up, right?”
Now the disappointment was starting to show on his face, and that’s one thing I didn’t like. I never wanted to disappoint anyone. And though I knew I shouldn’t live my life pleasing other people, I found it difficult to not give my all in anything that I did.
“Sean, if you’re not okay with it, then I’ll stay, alright? I don’t want to cause any problems.”
“No…don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. I don’t want to interfere in your life.”
I couldn’t tell if Sean was being sincere or sarcastic. It was hard to tell with him. He was one of those people that I just could not read.
“Sean, are you okay with this or not?” I wanted further reassurance that he was okay with my trip. I didn’t want to come back home to an angry man. “I’m leaving around seven and I’ll be back on Sunday night.”
“Ah’ight.” Sean turned to go back into the room with Roman.
I still wasn’t convinced, and I knew Sean didn’t want me to go. I just knew it.
“Are you sure?” I asked him again before he could completely open the door.
“There’s no problem. If you want to go, just go.”
I could sense the agitation in his voice that went perfectly with the look of displeasure on his face.
“Sean, wait a minute.” I grabbed him by the hand. “It’s only ten o’clock. We still have time to do something if you want.”
“Nah, that’s ah’ight.” Sean pulled his hand away from me.
Although I knew he wanted to spend som
e time with me, he turned me down. Sean was one of those brothers who wanted all or nothing, and he wouldn’t settle for less.
Shortly after we spoke, Sean took Roman to the park with him since he was going to play basketball. They were gone for hours. I guess he wanted to be nowhere near me. And I knew they weren’t playing basketball for that long as hot as it was. The temperature was pushing ninety-five degrees.
When they returned home, Roman went into the family room to finish where he’d left off in his video game. I heard Warren’s voice, as well, so he must have accompanied them at the park. Meanwhile, Sean came upstairs. I was busy packing my suitcase, trying to cram ten pairs of sandals into my suitcase that was already full of clothes. I guess you can say I had a summer shoe fetish.
I left my bedroom door open while I packed. Sean peeped around the door while simultaneously knocking.
“Hi,” he said, while entering. I’m surprised he knocked.
“Hi,” I replied stiffly.
It bothered me the way Sean nonchalantly left the house, like he didn’t want to spend time with me when I know he did. And here I am thinking I was being cordial by telling him that I was going to head out of town. I could’ve just bounced and not said a word. But it’s all good. I leaned over my suitcase in a desperate attempt to close it.
“Do you need help with that?”
“No, I got it.”
“Wait. Let me help you, Monica.” He came rushing over like he was my suitcase superhero.
“Sean, I got it, okay! I don’t need your help.”
Sean backed up and watched me do my thing. I did everything in my power to get the suitcase closed, but it just wasn’t happening, and I wasn’t about to compromise by leaving some of my shoes behind. No way.
“I have a bigger suitcase you can use, Monica.”
“Did I ask you for a suitcase?”
“Look, why you gettin’ mad at me for trying to help you?”
“You mean the same way you got mad at me when I told you that I was leaving for the weekend?”
“I didn’t get mad.”
“Oh really? Then why is this the first time I’m seeing or hearing from you since this morning. I told you that I wasn’t leaving until around seven.”
Sean closed his eyes and exhaled deeply. “Ah’ight. I was a little bothered by that.”
“Why?”
“It’s just that you’re only here…well, living in my house…for a short while, and I want you to spend your time with us, that’s all. I want your time,” Sean said bluntly. “Sean, it’s only for the weekend.”
“Okay, so does that mean you’re staying in my house one weekend longer?”
“No.”
“Okay. So that’s what I’m talking about. You’re taking time away from me…I mean us, but you’re not replacing it.”
I took a break from my personal vendetta with the suitcase. “Sean, what do you want from me? It’s four-thirty. Keisha will be here in two hours. So, if you want to do something together before I leave, we can.”
Sean stood there absorbing my response. “Okay. Let’s spend time together.”
“Doing what?
“Nothing but enjoying each other’s company.”
We went downstairs in the family room where Warren and Roman were playing games like they were addicted to it. Sean and I sat on the cocoa-colored, soft loveseat next to the couch. The pillows were so soft that when I sat down, my body shifted toward Sean. He liked that. It gave him a reason to put his arm around me. We just sat there hugged up like a couple, watching Warren and Roman out race each other. Sean rubbed my right shoulder with his fingertips, pulling me even closer to him. I felt so comfortable I leaned in on his shoulder. He stroked my hair, as he always did, admiring the way I surrendered to his touches. A few more strokes from Mr. Magic Fingers and I was dozing off.
“You know she’s sleep, right?” I heard Warren say vaguely while I was drifting off.
“Yeah, I know.” Sean kept on rubbing my hair.
I could tell he loved the way I felt in his arms, and really, right there in his arms is where I wanted to be. It felt right. I would be lying if I said it didn’t feel good to be next to him.
“Monica, wake up, sweetheart.” Sean shook me just enough to wake me. “I think your ride is here.”
He probably didn’t even realize he called me sweetheart. I can’t remember him using a term of endearment with me before, and the one time he did, he said it like it came naturally. I sat up and rubbed my eyes.
“What? Keisha’s here?”
“I think so. I just heard a horn outside, I think.”
I yawned, wiped my eyes again, and went into the living room to peep out the window. I saw Keisha sitting in the driveway.
“She is here. I have to go and get my suitcase,” I said, then took off up the stairs.
“No, Monica. I’ll get it for you.” I could hear Sean running upstairs behind me.
“I never did get this suitcase closed.”
“You can use mine. Let me go and get it for you.”
From inside his closet, Sean grabbed a brown Louis Vuitton suitcase, which looked brand new. “Here you go.”
I transferred my clothes and shoes from one suitcase to the other, and then I grabbed my purse. Sean brought the suitcase downstairs behind me.
When I got to the bottom of the stairs, I saw Roman waiting for me by the front door.
“Come here, sweetie.” I hugged him.
“Mommy, when are you coming back?” he asked sad-faced.
“I’ll be back on Sunday. That’s two days away.” I wrapped my arms around his little body, while Sean watched. “Now give me some sugar.”
Roman arched his little lips and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
I told him, “I love you. Do you know that?”
“Yesss,” he said sadly.
“So smile. Come on. Let me see it.” Roman smiled for me, although he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to see me go. “I’ll see you on Sunday, okay?”
“Okay, Mommy. I wuv you.”
I almost cried right there on the spot. At that moment, I really understood the heartache I would feel when I finally left for good. Not only would Roman miss me, but I would miss him just as much.
“I love you, too, hun. Be a good boy for your father, okay?”
“Okay. I will.”
I walked out of the door towards the car. Keisha hit the trunk release button when she saw Sean walking behind me with the suitcase. Sean put the suitcase in and shut it back.
“Thank you, Sean. And thanks for letting me use your suitcase.”
“You’re welcome. Just try to bring it back in one piece.” Sean smiled as he walked up to me.
“Okay. I’ll try not to hurt your precious suitcase.”
“I’m just kidding. I don’t care about the suitcase. I care about you. You know that, don’t you?”
“Yeah, I know that.”
“Good.”
“Well we have to get going, but I’ll see you on Sunday,” I said, as I looked at Sean to say goodbye before opening the car door. “So I’ll see you later, okay?”
He walked up to me, took me by the hands, and then moved his hands to meet my face. His strong, lengthy fingers tilted my head back at a satisfactory angle and he planted his moist lips onto mine, transitioning into a hot, wet, steamy, mind-blowing kiss that seemed to have no end in sight, kissing me like he was never going to see me again. I’ll admit I got caught up. My tongue got lost in his mouth a few times, but he found it with his. And while our tongues played a game of Twister, I knew Keisha was watching the spit-swapping go down. I could imagine her sitting there with her jaw dropped, not believing what she was witnessing. And I couldn’t believe what I was feeling. It felt like the ground was spinning underneath me as his soft, succulent lips touched mine.
In my mind, I wanted him to stop, which is why I can’t justify why my hands migrated to those frisky curls on his head, confirming that I wanted more of h
im. There was no pause, no interlude, no coming up for air. We just went for it. And when our hands met to our sides and it felt as if the kiss was nearing its end, our fingers interlocked and we kept on going. Then slowly, the kiss came to a halt like a train once going full speed and then finally stopping. I beamed into his wanting eyes, which looked watery like he was about to cry. I didn’t know what to make of it exactly, but I knew one thing…my kisses weren’t strong enough to make a grown man cry.
Two smaller kisses followed what I deemed to be the mother of all kisses, sort of like aftershocks that followed a huge earthquake. At that moment, I wish I had the power to read his mind, to know exactly what he felt for me. I sure was feeling something for him. Sean made me tingle in places I didn’t even know had feeling.
As we stepped back and swallowed each other’s DNA, I just looked at him. All I could do was look. I didn’t know what to say. He was the initiator of the kiss, not me, although I was a willing participant. I suppose I could’ve pulled away, but I didn’t. Part of me wanted to. There was a war going on in my head. One moment I was thinking, girl, what are you doing? The other part of me wanted to kiss him. I hadn’t kissed a man in years, and that kiss, that one kiss made me want to love again. That’s all it took.
“So, I’m sure I’ll talk to you later.” Sean broke the silence, as he wore most of my lip gloss.
I took a deep breath. “Ah, yeah, I’ll talk to you later.”
I caught my breath and got in the car. It was time for me to go before Sean decided he wasn’t done with my lips. As we drove off, Sean threw one hand up and then just stood there until the car was out of sight.
“Girrrrrl, what…was…that?” Keisha asked.
“I don’t know. He just kissed me,” I replied with a pleasant smile on my face.
“Oh, it’s like that now with y’all?”
“No.”
“Then why did you just kiss him?”
“I didn’t kiss him. He kissed me.”
“Well, from what I saw, you were all up in it, too. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me that you are feeling this dude. What else have y’all done?”
