by Tina Martin
“Nothing. I don’t know why he kissed me, Keisha. When I find out, I’ll tell you, ah’ight?”
“Wait a minute. Did you just say ah’ight?”
I giggled like I was hopped up on some mind-altering drug. I knew I said ah’ight, but it was only because Sean says it all the time and you are the company you keep. Sean was starting to rub off on me.
“I guess I did,” I responded to Keisha.
“So you mean to tell me that Sean has Little Ms. Innocent School Teacher talking slang now.”
My giggle remained. “Nah, it’s nothing like that.”
“Mmm hmm. I knew something was going on up in that house.” Keisha started singing R. Kelly, wiggling her neck and snapping her fingers. “I don’t see nothing wrong with a little bump n’ grind.”
I laughed at the silly girl. “Whatever. There ain’t no bumping and grinding going on nowhere. You just concentrate on the road.”
“Mmm hmm. I knew something was going on between y’all. I knew it.”
“Keisha, I promise, besides that kiss you just saw, nothing has ever happened between me and Sean.
“Okay, Monica.”
Keisha didn’t believe me. After all, Sean and I were under the same roof. Anything could’ve popped off at any minute.
AS SOON AS we arrived at the Chula Vista Resort, I called Sean. I had to. He was on my mind the entire hour and a half it took us to get to the Dells.
“Hey, Sean. We’re here.”
“Okay, good.” There was a bit of idle silence. “You know, I didn’t mean to kiss you. It was just…just…ah…uh…a reflex.”
I held my mouth so Sean wouldn’t hear me laugh. I didn’t know why I was so giddy after the kiss. “A reflex, Sean?”
“Yep.”
“So you mean to tell me that’s all it was. A reflex?”
“Yep.”
“Whatever. You could’ve come up with a better lie than that. The way you kissed me was no reflex. That was intentional.”
“Okay, well it’s like this…you were leaving, so I kissed you.” Sean’s tone changed from playful to serious. “What do you want me to say, that I’m head-over-heels in love with you and that I didn’t want you to leave me?”
Suddenly, he grew cold. I couldn’t discern whether or not his head-over-heels statement was true or if he was trying to be funny. And I didn’t care what kind of cockamamie excuse he gave me as his reason for the kiss. The kiss was intentional. He knew it and I knew it. There was no denying that.
“Sean, why do you sound upset? I was just making conversation.”
“I know, but you act as if I can’t get emotional. Why do women do that? Men have feelings, too, you know, and sometimes I get emotional.”
“You, emotional?” I laughed again. In the time it took me and Keisha to get to the Dells, I’d somehow morphed into a human giggle box. Sean, however, didn’t find my humor funny.
“I’m serious, Monica.”
“Okayyy, I’m sorry.” Sean was so quiet on the phone that I had to make sure he was still on the line. “Sean?”
“Yes, baby?”
“Baby? I’m not your baby.”
“You are if I say you are.”
“Yeah, unh huh.” I laughed at Sean and the way he could switch between being mad and happy…serious and silly.
“Let me ask you something, Monica. Do you think I love you?”
What…the… I said quietly to myself, while struggling to find an answer to his question.
“Hello…Monica, you there?”
“Yeah, I’m still here.”
“Did you hear what I just asked you?”
“Ah…yeah, I heard you.”
“So what do you think? Do you think I love you?”
“Honestly, I don’t even know why you’re asking me that.”
“Because I want to know what you think.”
I sighed. “I don’t know, Sean.”
“Now you sound irritated.”
“I am irritated. I don’t know why you’re asking me this.”
“Because I want to know what you think,” he repeated again.
“And how am I supposed to know if you love me or not? I’m not inside your head.”
“You would know by my actions.”
“Then no.”
I didn’t mean to be short with the brother, but none of his actions really said he loved me. Albeit we’d been getting along over the past few weeks, we still had spent more time fighting than actually being friends. Just because he sat with me in the hospital and kissed me like it was about to go out of style didn’t mean he loved me, or did it? He didn’t respond right away to my answer. Maybe he was expecting me to say yes, but I had to keep it real.
“Are you still there?” I thought for sure he had hung up on me.
“Yeah, I’m here.”
“What are you doing?”
“I’m lying in bed, smelling the scent of your vanilla lotion that has somehow become embedded into my sheets, and you know what?”
“What?”
“I can’t stop thinking about you.”
Sean was laying it on thick. “I don’t know what to say to that, Sean.”
“Don’t say anything. I just wanted to let you know how I feel about you. And I kissed you because I knew I would miss you and I just wanted something to remember you by.”
Sean was really overwhelming me with all of his game. It’s like the man was completely in love with me, but I didn’t want to just come right out and ask him if he was. Is that why he doesn’t have a girlfriend, because he’s intending on charming me into his arms? I didn’t know. And I wasn’t about to hang around on the phone and let him tell me those three words. I didn’t want to put myself in that awkward position, because then that would leave me to have to say I love you back to him. And I couldn’t. I didn’t love him, at least not the way I perceived he wanted me to.
Entry 7
A lot has been going on between Sean and me in the last week. I’m getting the vibe that he doesn’t want me to leave, not only for Roman’s sake but for his own. Before going to the Dells with Keisha, he kissed me, and I’m still trippin’ over that now. I think I felt something between us; something I can’t explain. But for the sake of writing, I’ll try as best as I can. Kissing Sean made me think of Cornelius. When Cornelius used to kiss me, I could see stars and it felt like I had temporarily lost control over my own body. He was in control. I never knew another man could make me feel that way, but that’s just what Sean did. And the way he groped and caressed me made me think he wanted me. He was so tender and compassionate. That’s how I knew he was lying when he said kissing me was a reflex. A reflex is a little peck on the lips, not an all-out vacuum attack on my tonsils. I probably would never understand why Sean does the things he does. Now he’s making a big deal about me leaving in September. He does not want me to go and the reason I keep hearing is Roman this, Roman that. Roman needs you. Roman needs a mother. Granted, that may be true, but I know the sole reason Sean wants me to stay is not all on Roman.
Chapter 19 - Eric
Keisha and I arrived back to the castle, as Keisha called it, around six o’clock on Sunday night. I ran inside to give Roman a hug. I missed him, and he was standing there anxiously waiting to see me. Sean was standing off to the side as if he was waiting for his turn. I hugged him, as well, after which he went to the car to get my suitcase. Keisha was standing by the trunk of the car.
“Hi. I don’t think we’ve officially met,” Sean said to her, while stretching out his hand. “I’m Sean.”
“Hi. I’m Keisha. I’ve heard a lot about you.”
“All good I hope.”
I took one of my shopping bags in the house, but could still hear Keisha and Sean’s conversation.
“Yes, of course. Anyway, Monica absolutely adores your son. She says he reminds her of Eric.”
My heart dropped. It could’ve fallen out of my chest for all I know. I turned to look at Sean. He was baffled by
her comment and rightly so. He had no idea who Eric was. I never told him. It was never my plan for him to even know anything about Eric.
“Eric? Who is Eric?” he asked her.
Keisha looked shocked, as well. Perhaps she was thinking I had already talked to Sean about Eric. Now she realized he had no idea who Eric was.
I came walking out of the door, pretending to hear nothing of what they discussed. “Keisha, it’s been real. We must do this again soon,” I said, while hugging her, but I really wanted to strangle the life out of her.
“Okay, girl, later. Oh, and nice meeting you, Sean.”
“Nice meeting you, as well.”
I was exhausted from the trip. It seemed like every time I took a vacation, no matter how short or long, instead of coming home refreshed, I was tired and needed a vacation from my vacation. I went into my room, took a shower, and pulled my hair back into my normal ponytail. I put on a big, navy blue t-shirt about three times my normal size and a pair of baggy jogging pants. Then, I went back downstairs for a glass of orange juice and sat in the family room, flicking through the channels in a relaxed fashion with my legs crossed and propped up on the table. Sean walked in the room wearing only a pair of Burberry boxers.
“So, how was it?”
“How was what?” I said, really not paying attention to Sean. For some reason, I was more focused on channel surfing.
“The Dells?”
“Oh, it was nice…very hot during the day, cooler at night. We spent Saturday morning shopping, played some miniature golf, and took a jet boat tour.”
Sean slid a little closer to me. “So, did you miss me?”
“Yeah, a little. I missed hearing your big mouth.”
“Ouch. It’s like that?”
“Nah, I’m playing with you.”
“Your friend Keisha seems like a nice girl.”
“Yeah, she’s cool. That’s my girl right there. She’s like a sister to me.”
“Can I ask you a question, Monica?”
“Sure. What’s up?” I answered, after turning to some news show. I took my legs off of the table and put the remote on the arm of the couch. I didn’t know if or when he was going to bring up the subject of Eric, but I knew it was going to be soon. Sean didn’t just let things like that pass without knowing about them. And if he wanted to know something, no matter how personal it was, he would always ask.
“When I was outside getting your suitcase out of the car, Keisha said you liked Roman so much because he reminded you of Eric. At first, I thought maybe Eric was an old boyfriend of yours, but then why would my son remind you of an ex-boyfriend? It doesn’t make any sense. So who is he?”
“He’s a part of my past.”
“Okay, but that’s not telling me anything.”
“Well, it’s enough. I don’t want to elaborate on it.”
“Why not?”
“It’s personal, Sean, and I don’t want to talk about him. So, just drop it.”
“No, I can’t drop it. I share so many aspects of my life with you, and I ask you one question, just one – and you can’t give me an answer. Why do you keep everything so secretive? Why don’t you share your life with me like I share my life with you?”
“Because you’re my employer. I’m not here to share my life with you. I’m here to work for you.” I rose from the couch, put on my fluffy pink slippers, and left the room.
“Where are you going, Monica?” Sean asked, hot on my trail. “I’m talking to you.”
“I’m going to my room,” I yelled back. “Or do I need your permission for that?”
Sean caught up to me by the bottom of the stairs. “Just talk to me,” he pleaded in a low monotone voice, but I wasn’t ready to share anything about Eric with him.
“Sean, I’m really exhausted. I just want to rest. I’ll see you in the morning, okay?”
“Yeah, ah’ight.”
I managed to dodge that bullet, I thought to myself. However, I knew it wasn’t the last of it. Sean was upset. He wanted his questions answered then and there, but at the same time, he knew I wanted to be left alone. So, Sean did what Sean does best – pretend as if it didn’t bother him. As far as I was concerned, the conversation about Eric was over and his name would never be mentioned again.
SEAN WENT TO work the next day and didn’t call home to check on Roman and me like he usually would, which could only mean one thing. He was mad at me. I know he was displeased with my unwillingness to disclose every aspect of my life with him, but I didn’t see the point. And contrary to his earlier statement, he didn’t tell me everything about his life. I didn’t know everything there was to know about who Sean Beauvais really was. I’m sure there were some secrets on Lake Drive that I didn’t know about. If he could keep a few things to himself, why couldn’t I?
“Monica!” I heard Sean shouting my name just as the front door closed. It was a little after six in the evening, and I was sitting in the family room with a bowl of popcorn in my lap watching Shrek II with Roman. Warren was there, too. Warren and I had been sitting around talking while Roman enjoyed the movie. Not saying a word to anyone, Sean walked in, grabbed my hand, and pulled me up off of the couch.
“We need to talk,” he said, as he haphazardly tugged on me.
Luckily, I was able to avoid spilling popcorn everywhere. No man had ever grabbed me like that, and I was pissed.
“What is it, Sean?”
“We just need to talk! Ah’ight?”
“Okaaaaaay, but stop pulling me! I’m coming.” I tried to yank my hand free from him, but of course, I couldn’t. “Sean, what’s going on?” I asked nervously. I had no clue what he was up to, or let me rephrase that, I had no idea what I had done this time. We ended up outside near the pool.
Sean turned to me and said, “Tell me who Eric is.”
“Sean, I told you that was personal.”
“No, it’s not personal. You’re living in my house and keeping secrets from me.”
“I’m not keeping secrets!” I was getting upset, as evident by the raised pitch of my voice. “You don’t have to know everything about me just because I’m living in your house! I’m sure there are things about your personal life that you haven’t shared with me, and I’m not drilling you for information.”
“Even if you did want to know something, I would tell you. I just want to know who Eric is. That’s it.”
There wasn’t any getting out of this situation. There I stood by the pool with another dilemma – having to tell Sean who Eric was. Sean released my hand and I sat down. I would’ve told him who Eric was a long time ago, but every time I thought of Eric, I cried. Even standing here now with the thought of telling Sean who Eric was made me teary eyed. I couldn’t hold back from what I felt, and I doubt if he could even see me crying since my head was angled towards the ground. He kneeled in front of me.
“I’m sorry, Monica. I didn’t mean to yell at you. I just…I just…”
There was nothing else to do but tell him what he wanted to know. He wasn’t going to give up. If I didn’t tell him now, it would spring up again later.
“Eric is the little boy I gave birth to. e’s my HHhhhhhhhhHhhhhhhf;dfj;ldfkdlfkd;lfkds;hhhhhhffffHe’s my son, Sean.” I cried harder.
Sean embraced me. “Monica, look at me.”
I didn’t look up. I was too embarrassed.
“Monica, look at me.” Sean gently placed his soft hands on my face and positioned my head so I could have a view of his face, while he simultaneously wiped my tears away. “I’m not here to judge you, and it’s killing me to see you cry like this. All I want is for you to talk to me. That’s it. Do you think you can do that?”
“I’ll try.” I wiped my eyes.
Sean took me by the hand and led me back into the house and into his bedroom. I sat on the edge of the bed with my arms folded.
“Sean, I’m sorry. I should’ve told you this.”
“Don’t apologize to me.”
“No, I want to. Yo
u should’ve known about Eric.”
“Where is Eric now?”
“I don’t know. Eric is not even his real name…just the name I gave him to make him a real person. I actually don’t know what his name is.”
“What happened to him?”
“My parents made me give him up for adoption.”
“What? Why?”
“Well, for one, I was a senior in high school. They said I had my whole life ahead of me and couldn’t let a baby get in the way of a college education. My mom said if I wanted a life, to go to college and be somebody and make a name for myself, then I couldn’t raise a baby.”
“So why didn’t she offer to help you?”
“Please…my mom didn’t even want me, so I know she didn’t want a baby that wasn’t even hers.”
“Wow. That’s sad.”
“It is sad. I had to endure the entire birth alone. I remember how painful it was, unlike anything my young, immature mind had ever experienced. The pain was so great I just cried, but the labor pains weren’t as painful as the thought of having to give my baby away. I remember hearing the doctor say, just one more push – and then I heard him cry. I never did get the chance to see him. They gave him away immediately. And that was that.”
“You’ve never seen him?”
“No.” I went into Sean’s bathroom to get a tissue, then came back into the bedroom and took my same position on the bed. “I’ve never even seen my own son. How pathetic is that?”
“Have you ever tried searching for him?”
“No. I wanted to look for him, but then I was reading the adoption laws, and it said there is no provision for birth parents to search for their adopted children. But I just can’t give up. I’m going to try again.”
“Why?”
“What do you mean why? I have to. I have a child in this world somewhere that I don’t even know. Wouldn’t you want to know your child?”
“Of course, I would. Let me ask you this. Was your boyfriend cool with you being pregnant?”
“Yeah. He wanted the baby just as much as I did.”
