by Tina Martin
“Then why would you give the baby up if you and the father wanted it?”
“Because I was forced to. My parents said it was the right thing to do because I couldn’t support a child.”
“But if you and the father wanted the baby, you two should’ve fought to keep the baby…not give him away to some stranger.”
“You’re right, Sean. I can’t argue with that. But understand I can’t change the past. That’s why I’m not going back to teach in September. Finding Eric is my new job. I want to know who my son is.”
“Is that why you’re leaving in September? To go and find him?”
“No. I’m leaving because you’re paying me to watch Roman until school is back in session. School turns in after Labor Day. You won’t need me when Roman is back in school.”
“What about Roman’s needs? My son needs a mother, and like it or not, babydoll, that’s you.”
“How can I be a mother to a little boy that’s not even mine, but yet, I can’t be a mother to the son that I gave birth to? How hypocritical is that?”
“The same way I can be a father to Roman. He’s adopted.”
“Are you serious?” Victoria mentioned to me that Roman was adopted, but I didn’t let Sean know that I knew anything about it.
“Yeah. I adopted him right after me and Shanelle got married.”
Right away I remembered Sean telling me about Shanelle, about how he didn’t love her. Not only did it not make sense for him to marry someone he didn’t love. It was also foolish to adopt a child with the woman. There was no logic in that. I wasn’t going to bring that up, though.
I said, “But he looks so much like you.”
“Yeah, I know. That’s what everybody says. Anyway, the point I wanted to make is that you don’t have to have the same blood type to love a child.”
“I never said I didn’t love Roman.”
“You’re leaving him…isn’t that saying you don’t love him?”
“No, Sean, it’s not. If Roman was old enough, he would understand.”
“I’m thirty-two years old and I don’t understand.”
“What is there not to understand? This isn’t rocket science. I want to find my son. It’s as simple as that. And I will not be someone else’s fill-in mother after I haven’t fulfilled my own obligations.”
“Oh, so it’s all about you….again.”
Boy did he pinch a nerve with that one. I felt like I was about to lose it.
“All about me? Sean, what did you think was going to happen when I moved in here? Did you think I would stay here for the rest of my life?”
“No, but I did expect that you would do anything in your power to make my son happy.”
“And staying here is supposed to make him happy?”
“You think it wouldn’t?”
“And just how long do you propose that I stay while I’m busy making Roman happy?”
“However long it takes.”
“What kind of answer is that? Last I checked Roman was happy. So I guess it’s okay for me to leave today then, huh?”
“No, I’m not saying that.”
“Then what are you saying, Sean?”
“I’m saying that when you leave, you’re going to leave my son upset and confused. He doesn’t understand everything that’s going on.”
“You know what? I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
I got up quickly and headed to the door, while Sean stood on the opposite side of the bed.
“Monica, just remember that Roman is not the only person that needs you.”
I politely closed the door and went across the hall to my bedroom. I needed time to think about what I really wanted to do. Sean had kept throwing hints my way as if he wanted me to stay for him. He wouldn’t just come out and say it, though. I guess he was too high-minded for that, too important, belonging to too high of a social status with Milwaukee’s finest.
Taking my thoughts outside, I sat on the front steps with my legs closed and knees pressed together tightly as if I was wearing a mini skirt and didn’t want anyone to see between my legs. Outside, it was just cool enough to give me a chill, but not cold enough for a coat or sweater.
Warren came walking out of the house, leaving to go home apparently. “Hey, Monica.”
I turned around and looked at him, thinking to myself how he could look so much like Sean, and yet, be of such a different demeanor…a milder, gentler, kinder one. Warren was the kind of guy that I could tell anything. He knew how to treat a lady.
“Hey, Warren. You’re on your way out, huh?”
“Yep. I have to work tomorrow.” He sat down. “What are you doing out here?”
“Just thinking.”
“About what? You look like you just lost your best friend.”
I forced myself to smile. “I’m just sitting out here thinking about my transition in September. That’s when I’m supposed to be leaving.”
“Man, that’s right around the corner.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“So what’s the deal? You don’t want to go?”
“Well, it’s just that Sean is trying to make me feel guilty for leaving. He keeps on saying how Roman needs a mother, then, just a lil’ while ago, he said Roman wasn’t the only person that needed me.”
Warren grinned. “Sean is a piece of work, but I’m sure you know that.”
“Yeah, I know that all too well.”
“Honestly, I don’t think he wants you to leave because he likes you. But Sean is not the type to beg nobody for nothing, so if you want to leave, he’ll let you have your wish. He’s cut and dry like that. There’s no in between with Sean.”
“I know, Warren. The thing is, I want to be here for Roman, but at the same time, I have this life out there that I need to know. I know that might sound silly, but I need to know who I am.”
“Then you have to do what’s best for you. Roman is not your responsibility, Monica.”
“But he looks up to me, and he’s such a sweetheart.” I wrapped my arms around myself, deflecting the wind chill while thinking about Roman. “Where is he, by the way? You put him to bed?”
“Yep.” Warren yawned and stretched his hands straight up into the air. “Roman is a good kid. But he’s bright. If you sit down with him and have a heart-to-heart to explain why you have to leave, he’ll understand.”
“You think so?”
“I know so,” Warren said as he stood up. I stood up, as well. “And who’s to say that you can’t come back and visit Roman if you do decide to leave?”
“I hadn’t thought about that.”
“That’s another option. What you need to do is make a decision that you can live with, okay?” Warren gave me a hug. “Keep your head up, girl.”
“Thanks, Warren. I’ll see you later.”
“Okay.”
I turned around to go back inside of the house and there was Sean standing at the front door with an unbuttoned shirt hanging over some black dress pants. I opened the door all the way and walked past him. I didn’t have anything to say to him. I just wanted to go to my room and go to bed.
“What? You don’t see me standing here?” he asked, like I was supposed to bow down and give obeisance to him.
“I don’t want to argue with you, Sean. I have a lot on my mind right now. I don’t need you trying to pick a fight with me all the time. I just don’t have time for that, ah’ight?”
I was completely exhausted and the tone of my voice proved it. Whenever I was tired and stressed out, my voice was very soft and sexy. Cornelius used to call it my Girl 6 voice. He said that voice made him want to do some thangs to me.
Sean was relentless in his efforts to talk to me. “I’m not trying to pick a fight with you. I just want to talk to you, Monica! Why do you always do this? Why can’t we have a decent conversation? Yet, you can sit out front and have good talk with my brother about this. This issue has nothing to do with Warren!”
“I know that!” I thre
w the Girl 6 voice out the window. It was time for me to get rowdy. I had just about all I could take for one night.
“So why are you outside talking to him instead of talking to me?”
“Because Warren is a lot easier to talk to, and I don’t have to worry about him blowing up like a freakin’ ego-maniac! One minute, you’re hot, and the next, you’re cold. One second, you’re happy, and the next, you’re sad. I don’t know what your problem is, Mr. Hyde, but let me know when Dr. Jekyll is back.”
I had no intention on snapping on him like that, but he made me do it. I’d been holding it in for a long time now.
“Don’t come at me with that. All I was trying to do was talk to you.”
“Yeah, and you disrespectfully snatched me up off of the couch like a rag doll. I mean, who do you think you are that you can just run other people’s lives? Like I said before, I don’t have to tell you nothing!”
“I guess not since you’re so busy telling my brother everything!” he countered.
“Don’t worry about what I tell Warren. My conversation with Warren is between me and Warren.”
“Oh, so I guess that makes me some dumb nigga that don’t know how to communicate, right?”
I thought my head would explode. The constant going back-and-forth with Sean was literally making me sick. It reminded me of the bickering between my parents that I had to endure. My only hope was that Roman didn’t hear us.
“Sean, nobody is calling you a dumb nigga. And don’t get mad because I had a conversation with your brother. He asked me what was going on and I told him.”
“So you can talk to him, but you can’t talk to me?”
“We’ve already talked tonight! What do you want me to do? Make a decision about my plans to move right now?”
“I just want to know where we stand.”
“Then you need to give me some time, Sean. I know someone of your status is accustomed to instant gratification, but I need time.”
“Someone of my status? What is that supposed to mean?”
Here we go again. Just when I thought the argument is just about over, he starts up again.
He was all up in my face when he yelled, “You think I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth! I had to work hard to get what I have!”
He was shouting so out-of-control, I saw spit fly out of his mouth. Some speckles even flew into my face. That’s when I really got mad.
“You can’t get everything you want! You’re having a hard time understanding that! I can’t believe how much of a jerk you’re being!”
Sean rubbed his hands across his head, obviously out of frustration. I knew I pissed him off. Then, Dr. Jekyll looked at me and calmly said, “When you’re ready, talk to me.”
He didn’t even care that I called him a jerk. I almost felt guilty for saying that to him, but what’s done is done.
Besides, he had it coming.
Chapter 20 - The Spill
I was so pleased when Sean left for work the next morning. I needed a break from him. His good looks were pleasing to the eyes, but his attitude was bitter and I didn’t like the taste.
While Roman was still in bed, I quietly enjoyed a cup of coffee on the cool Milwaukee morning, when I heard the doorbell ringing. Approaching the door, I recognized the shapely figure through the stained glass window. It was Keisha. When I opened the door, she was standing there with a sad look on her face, mixed with a little bit of fright.
“Monica, I am sooo sorry,” Keisha said, with her Dolce & Gabanna bag tucked to her side as if she was on the verge of being robbed.
“Sorry for what?”
“I’ve been meaning to tell you that I said something about Eric to Sean. Then, he asked me who Eric was. I didn’t realize you didn’t tell him anything about him. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Don’t kill me.”
Keisha was such a drama queen, and that little routine she just ran through sounded rehearsed. That’s my girl, though, and I wasn’t mad at her. No need to be.
“It’s okay, Keisha, really.” I hugged her. “Come on in, girl.”
Keisha walked through the door and her eyes grew huge. “Wow, this is gorgeous.”
“Yeah, it is. Too expensive for my taste, though.”
Keisha sat down, still looking around. It was her first visit to Sean’s bachelor pad, and her eyes were taking in all the place had to offer.
“Do you want some coffee?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, I’ll be right back.”
I came back quickly with some coffee for her. “So how’s Daryl? I haven’t seen him in a minute.”
“He’s doing good. You know how busy he gets with work and all. How are you doing?”
“I’m okay.”
“No offense, but you look a little stressed. Are you still writing in your journal?”
“Yep.”
“Okay, so what’s going on with you?”
“It’s just that…I don’t know what I’m doing here. I’m so confused, and Sean is sending me mixed signals. One minute, I feel like he wants to be with me, and the next minute, he trying to start something.”
“What you mean he’s trying to start something?”
“He’s been trippin’, talking about I know more about him than he knows about me and that he doesn’t want me to keep any secrets from him. Then he supposedly stumbled across a clause in the contract that we were married.”
“Wait a minute. What contract?”
“The contract I signed when I took this job.”
“He made you sign a contract?”
“Well, he didn’t make me sign it.”
“But why would you need a contract to baby sit?”
“Because Sean is a business owner and he knows the importance of contracts, I guess. That’s just the way he is.”
“And what about the kiss? Explain that one to me. I still have visions of that. Oh my goodness. Woo!” Keisha started fanning her face with her hand as if she was hit with a heat stroke. We laughed together.
“He said the kiss was a reflex first, right….then later, he said he kissed me because I hadn’t been away from the house before and he just got caught up in the moment of me leaving and all. I really don’t know.”
“I suppose that could happen.”
“As for this whole marriage thing, we both agreed it was just an oversight, but he has on several occasions jokingly mentioned the whole marriage thing. Girl, one time he called me Monica Beauvais.”
I almost made Keisha spill her coffee.
“Uh huh. That’s what I’m talking about. What if the marriage isn’t a joke? What if Sean really wants to be with you, Monica?”
“But why would he want to be with me?”
“I don’t know…maybe because you’re cute, smart, funny, and he wanna holla.” Keisha laughed, causing me to laugh slightly amidst my pondering. “Y’all do look cute together.”
“No, I don’t think so. He’s too old.”
“Girlfriend, no one acknowledges age anymore. And money takes age off of a man. So, since he’s rich, he’s not really thirty-two. His calculated money age would be more along the lines of twenty-eight.”
“And what psycho magazine did you read that in?”
Keisha laughed at my comment. “I saw it on some talk show. I can’t remember which one, but it’s true. Think about it.”
“Even still, I wouldn’t want to be with him. He’s absolutely gorgeous, but...”
“But what? He’s not your type?”
“Oh, he’s definitely my type. With the exception of his bipolar disorder, he’s flawless.”
“He’s bipolar?”
“No, but he acts like it.”
“Sounds to me like you’re just making excuses.”
“No, I’m not making excuses. I’ll tell you what it is – Sean has a life, but he wants me to be a part of his while I’m still trying to find mine.” That was the perfect summation of all my problems thus far with Sean. He wanted me to be the
re for him and Roman for as long as possible.
“And what determines whether or not you succeed in finding yours? Finding Eric?”
“That’s part of it, yes.”
“And what if you don’t succeed?”
“Oh, thanks for such an optimistic outlook, Keisha.”
“For real though, Monica. Have you thought about the possibility that you won't find him?”
“You’re just as bad as Sean.”
“Well, maybe Sean has a point. Why run off into the world looking for a child that you don’t know and that doesn’t know you, when you have a little boy here that loves you to death?”
“Because that little boy is not my little boy.”
“I betcha you couldn’t tell him that.”
I couldn’t hold the tears back. Keisha walked over and put her arms around me. “Maybe this is fate,” she said. “What if you were supposed to meet little Roman, fall in love with his father, and live happily ever after? Roman might not be your son, and I know this may be hard on you, but you can’t put your life on hold to go looking for Eric. Right now, you’re telling me that your success and happiness in life is solely based upon whether or not you find Eric, and I think that’s dangerous.”
I thought on Keisha’s reasoning for a moment. It did make sense. If I measured my happiness in life by finding Eric, then I would sink into a low state of depression if I could never find him.
“I see your point, Keisha. I don’t want to accept it, but I see where you’re coming from.”
“Good. Finally, I’m getting through,” Keisha said, as she smiled. “Now stop all that crying. Big sister don’t like that. Oh, and girl, you better check out Mr. Beauvais, because he sure is checking you out.”
I smiled while wiping my eyes.
“You think so?”
“I know so.” Keisha stood up and took her keys off of the table. “Alright, well, I have to run by the school to drop some things off before they lock the doors, but call me later. Okay?”
“Will do. Thank you, Keisha.”
“No problem. That’s what I’m here for.”
Chapter 21 - The Proposal
As soon as Keisha left, Roman came walking downstairs. He slept pretty late, too. It was going on noon when he got up.
