by Tina Martin
I was proud of myself and the direction in which my life was going, but something was still missing. On the days that I didn’t have class, I would spend time trying to find out any and everything I could about my child. Where was he? How did he look? Who did he live with? Was he living with good people that would raise him with values? Was he living in a foster home? I wanted so badly to find him, and it seemed like weeks were passing by without me making any real progress. Every phone call I made, every letter I wrote, everything I tried to do to find him was all leading to a bunch of dead ends. Sometimes I would get so irritated I would just sit still for a moment and have a good cry. Sean hated to see me cry. He would hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay. Then, at other times, he didn’t want to be there with me while I was depressed about finding Eric. He couldn’t take it.
Though Sean and I had the ideal life, Eric was that missing piece to my happiness and I desperately needed the closure. So did Sean.
Nothing cheered me up more than spending time with family, and it had been a while since we had a family dinner. So, taking advantage of the beautiful, sunny May day we planned on having family over for a cookout. While Sean was seasoning the chicken breasts, I was busy making mashed potatoes. The macaroni and cheese, collard greens, and buttermilk biscuits were already done, along with the double chocolate cake that I had made earlier in the day. Sean was also cooking some barbecue ribs and lemon-pepper tilapia out on the deck.
Victoria and Nikki arrived first, then Warren, Derrick, and the boys. I had invited Kevin and his family to join us, too. Keisha couldn’t make it. She had already made plans with Daryl.
We had a nice spread of food on the twelve-chair dinette with three ivory, unscented pillar candles lit as a centerpiece. It was beautiful. The table looked so pretty I had to take a picture of it.
Sean and I both sat at the head of the table, opposite of each other. I sat with the women and all the men flocked towards his end of the table. Between bites, he blew a few kisses my way, while I pretended to catch them with my fork and eat them. While we were being two silly people in love, I noticed how quiet Kevin’s wife Chandra was. I didn’t hear her say a word at dinner, so I made it a point to reach out to her.
“So, Chandra, what do you do for work?” I asked her.
“I’m a nurse at Children’s Hospital.”
“Oh yeah? What kind of nurse?”
“Rehab.”
“Hmm. Sounds challenging.”
“It is. Sometimes the kids make it very difficult.”
“I know what you mean. When I was a teacher, those kids were really wired. And every day was a new adventure. You would think they had Red Bulls for breakfast or something.”
“I know that’s right.”
We sat there and laughed together.
“We should hook up and go shopping sometimes,” I suggested. If I was going to pursue a relationship with my brother, then I needed to get to know his wife.
“Yeah, that sounds good.”
“Okay, cool. You know, I love shoes. Girl, I practically live in Chernin’s Shoe Outlet.”
“And Boston Store,” Sean added, winking at me. He was listening to my conversation from across the table.
“I just love to shop, period.”
I stood up to collect empty plates and took them into the kitchen. Nikki helped me. Nikki and I hadn’t had a good talk in weeks. The girl was always traveling.
“Nikki, what you been up to, girl?” Nikki was wearing a yellow tunic over a pair of gray leggings and some shiny, black high-heeled pumps. Every time I saw her, she was always dressed to kill, looking like she could land a spot in People magazine.
“Girl, nothing. I’m just on my grind. How are things with you and my brother?”
“Everything is wonderful. I couldn’t be happier.”
“I know things are good. I haven’t seen Sean this happy in a long time.”
I smiled from ear-to-ear. “Are you serious?”
“Yep. You must be doing something right. I’m glad he ended up with you.”
“Aww, thank you, Nikki.”
“Girl, that’s just real talk.” Nikki handed me a couple of dishes to put in the dishwasher. “How’s school? Sean told me you started taking photography classes.”
“It’s a little boring right now, having to sit through stuff I know already. But I’m sure it will get a little more exciting in my second semester.”
“Are you still looking for your son, too?”
Nikki was full of questions. You would think I haven’t seen the girl in years.
“Yeah, I’m starting again.” I wasn’t going to elaborate on my search, though, because I didn’t want to feel upset and depressed with family over.
“I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before, but one of my old sorority sisters does a lot of nonprofit work, and at one point I think she was working for an adoption agency. I’ll give her a call…see what she can find out.”
“Nikki, that would be great. Thank you!”
I hugged her. I loved having Nikki as a sister-in-law. She was a little uppity, but that’s just the way she was. Anyway, she had a heart of gold and I appreciated everything she did to help me.
“No problem, sis.”
Nikki returned to the dining room and Sean walked into the kitchen. With his hands gripped firmly on my waist, he kissed me. “So do you think we could sneak off and have a rendezvous in the bathroom?”
“Seaaan.” I pushed him away from me.
“Okay, in the closet?”
“Sean.”
“Okay…in one of the guest bedrooms?”
“Baby, no. We have company. Besides, we’ve already done it like five times today.”
“So you tired of me?” Sean kissed me again, while slipping his hands up my blouse.
“Baby, I could never be tired of you. I promise we can do whatever you want when everyone leaves.”
“Whatever I want?”
“Yes.”
Sean took a final kiss from me. “Okay. I’m going to hold you to that.”
Everyone said their goodbyes around ten-thirty. I put Roman to bed, and immediately upon stepping into our bedroom, Sean went to work. He pulled my shirt over my head and undid my bra. Standing behind me he kissed the back of my neck, then spun me around and kissed my lips.
He leaned towards me and we fell onto the bed, making love again. I felt Sean’s body tightening up as he squeezed me. His vociferous cries of bliss had me in a tizzy. I’d never heard him scream that loud before, sounded like all the love he had for me all came down in one loud paroxysm of sensual gratification.
“Shhh,” I told him, placing my index finger on his lips. I didn’t want us to wake Roman. “Sean, are you okay, baby?”
Sean rested his head on my chest. He was in cool down phase, but still breathing heavier than I was.
“Sean.” His unresponsiveness was troubling to me, so I called his name again. “Sean?”
“Yeah?”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine, baby.”
“You had me worried there for a minute.”
“Why?”
“Because you screamed really loud.”
“That’s your fault. You did that to me, baby.” Sean grinned and kissed my chest. “I love you, Moni. I love you so much, it’s scary.”
“What do you mean?” I had to ask. Forget the fact that he just called me Moni again. I needed to know what was up.
Sean slid off of me and rested on his side of the bed so that we were in each other’s sight. “I mean that I love you and I don’t want to lose you. I never want anything to come between us. I can’t imagine us not being together. The thought alone is enough to make my heart ache.”
“I feel the exact same way about you.”
“You do?”
“Of course I do, silly. There is no other man that can make me feel the way you make me feel.”
I don’t know why he would be stres
sed about losing me. I sure wasn’t going anywhere. Sean gave my life meaning and so much happiness that at times I was overwhelmed with him. And when we made love, I surrendered my body to him.
After our bodies had recuperated from the strenuous love-making, I brought up the subject of Eric again. It had been a while since we last talked about him. In a way, I felt Sean wanted me to forget about Eric so our lives could continue as normal.
“Sean,” I said, while lying on his chest, fiddling with his left nipple with my index finger.
“Yes, baby?”
“I’m going to start looking for Eric again.”
“Are you sure you want to take that path?” he asked calmly. Relaxed.
“Yes, I need to. Why? You don’t think I should?”
“I think you have a wonderful family right here who loves you.”
“So you don’t think I should look for him?” I sat up in the bed, staring down at Sean.
He sat up, too. “Monica, every time you get the itch to look for him, you get upset. All I’m saying is why search for someone you don’t know?”
“I do know him. He’s my son!”
“A son that you gave birth to – you didn’t raise him.”
I paused to regain my composure. “So I should just give up, huh?”
“You should love what’s right here in front of you. If you stop focusing on things you wished you could’ve had, then you’ll be happy with the things you have now.”
“And what is that supposed to mean?”
“It means you think you want to find Eric so badly in hopes that you’ll see that Cornelius dude again.”
“What? That makes absolutely no sense. I’m not looking for Cornelius.”
“How do I know that?”
“Because I’m telling you that and I thought you trusted me!”
“I do trust you.”
“You sure have a funny way of showing it.” I got up out of the bed and put on my robe. Sean was really working my nerves. Our arguments were the times when I didn’t care for his blasé attitude.
Before I walked out the door, I said, “If finding Eric is not important, why is it that you spent so much time looking for Roman’s birth mother?”
Sean looked surprised that I had knowledge about his search for Roman’s mother.
“That was different.”
“No, it’s not. It’s the same concept. You adopted a child, you wanted to know who the birth mother was. I gave a child up for adoption, and I just want to know who my son is. But you know what? I see you could care less about how I feel in this situation.”
I left the room with my pillow and the comforter. The couch in the family room was going to be my bed for the night. As soon as I laid my head down, Sean came through the door.
“Monica, what are you doing down here?”
“What does it look like I’m doing? I’m sleeping on the freakin’ couch! I don’t want to be anywhere near you while you’re being an insensitive jerk.”
“Oh, I’m a jerk now? I can’t believe you just said that.”
“Well, believe it, Sean. I’m sick of you. I don’t even want to see your face right now.”
“Ah’ight,” he said on the way out the door. “I’m out.”
This was our first major fight since we’d been married, not to mention we just finished making passionate, toe-curling love in the bedroom.
The nerve of him. How could he just walk away from me like that? I guess it was my fault for marrying such a cocky man, but I loved that in him. What I didn’t like was how he could just tune me out of arguments or walk away like he didn’t care about me. Sometimes he could be a cold-hearted robot. Then other times, he smothered me with love like it was my last day on earth. It seemed this time wasn’t one of those smother-me-with-love occasions. I needed him to care. And I wanted him to turn around and come back in the room to finish the argument with me.
“Baby, why are we fighting?” Sean asked sincerely. I was happy to see he cared enough to come back, but my dissatisfaction remained. “How do we go from making love to this?”
I wiped my eyes. The situation with Eric was depressing enough. But for my own husband to not concern himself with my feelings for Eric was even worse.
“It just seems like you don’t care about Eric,” I cried out to him.
“I care about you, Monica.”
“Then if you care about me, you wouldn’t just give me the cold shoulder. You would do everything in your power to help me, but you’re not doing that, Sean. I need that from you.” I wiped my eyes, but no sooner than I could dry my face, more tears fell.
“There’s just a lot that you don’t understand.”
A lot that I don’t understand? Sean was taking the conversation in a different direction, but skip changing the subject. We needed to stay on track with this argument. He needed to know how I really felt about my son.
I said, “Are we still talking about Eric?”
Sean took a seat on the edge of the couch, just barely missing my legs. He seemed to be perplexed and in deep thought. Maybe the situation with Eric was too much for him to bear. Had I been looking at this situation from his point of view at all? How would he feel with me getting to know a child that I had by another man?
“Monica, anything that you want I want.” He stooped down beside the couch. His eyes revealed a sudden state of love and concern. “I love you, and I just want the best for us. Is that what you want?”
Sly son of a gun. He had completely changed the subject on me again in a subtle, seductive kind of way.
“Of course, that’s what I want.”
“Good. I’ll do anything to make you happy, baby.” He took my right hand and kissed it. “I love you,” he said, as he parted the slit in my robe and kissed my knees.
My legs jerked like I was having my reflexes tested. We kissed and made up before going back upstairs together.
I peeped in Roman’s room to make sure he was okay, and then I went back to our room. Sean was sitting on the bed with his arms spread wide open for me. I crawled onto his lap and sat face-to-face with him, with my butt sitting on the bed in the space between his thighs and my legs wrapped around his waist.
“How do you do that?” he asked with a grin, while pulling the belt that kept my robe closed.
“How do I do what?”
“How do you turn me on like that with them long, sexy legs wrapped around me? I want to tear you up, girl.”
“You just did that a few minutes ago.” I laughed, but Sean sat there still, expressionless and motionless. “Are you okay, babe?”
He responded with, “I love you, Monica.”
“I love you, too, Sean.”
He grabbed my head tight. “No, you don’t understand. I...love…you, Monica Ann Beauvais. You are everything I ever wanted. And I just want you to know that everything I did was for you. Everything.”
Everything I did was for you? What exactly does that mean? A tear rolled down his handsome face while I sat there trying to determine what was wrong with him.
“Sean, what are you talking about?”
“Shhh,” he hushed me. “I want you to remember this moment. The moment when love is at its finest.”
He slowly eased up and pushed me backwards removing my robe and taking off his boxers. He wanted me again. I wanted him, too, but not more than I wanted to know the reason for his sudden mood swing. Sean was definitely troubled by something, but I wasn’t about to ask him what the deal was in the early stages of lovemaking.
“Tell me you love me,” he demanded. He was shaking like he had caught a chill, though his body was hot and clammy. I stared him in the face, trying to read some sort of emotion, but there was nothing. “Tell me,” he demanded a second time.
I couldn’t hide my tears from him. Something was definitely wrong with this picture. He was scaring me. All of a sudden, it didn’t feel like I was with my husband. I didn’t know who this man was on top of me making demands.
�
�I….lo…I…love you.” I managed to get the words out with my shaky voice. I couldn’t grasp why he would insist that I say those words to him when he knows I love him.
“For better or for worse,” he said, wanting me to repeat after him. “Say it, Monica.”
“For better.” I stopped to catch my breath for a second. “For better or for worse.”
“For richer or for poorer.”
Why am I getting a lesson on our wedding vows? I understood our vows, and when we said those words to each other on our wedding day, I meant every word of it.
“Sean, what are you doing, baby? You know I love you.”
“Say it.”
“For richer or for poorer.”
He continued. “In sickness and in health.”
I decided to finish it off for him and put an end to the madness. “In sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death do us part.”
“Don’t ever forget that. Do you understand me?”
I didn’t know what was wrong with my baby, but I wasn’t about to ask while we were in the middle of making love.
“Yesss, I understand, Sean. I love you.”
He clenched me tightly, fully satisfied. Then he whispered in my ear, “Don’t ever forget that, Monica. Don’t ever forget how much I love you. Do you hear me?”
“Yeah, baby, I hear you.” I heard him, but why was there a sudden need for me to reaffirm my love for him?
I could hear Sean sniffling in my ear as he laid on top of me chanting I love you over and over again like he was in a love spell. Then he climbed to his feet and stood beside the bed, eyeing my body like he was never going to see me again.
After it was all said and done, I didn’t mention a single thing about that night, and neither did he.
Chapter 32 - The Ex Factor
“Excuse me, Miss. Excuse me.”
I was walking into Azana Salon and Spa, when I faintly heard those words from behind me. I didn’t pay any attention to it. I just kept stepping. My feet were begging for a pedicure. Besides, Sean really wanted me to pamper myself today. He said I deserved to be spoiled for being such a wonderful wife and mother. So, he sent me to Azana for a massage, facial, manicure, pedicure, shampoo, and hairstyle. As I reached to open the door, I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned around to see who it was.
