by Tina Martin
By the time I was done cooking, it was close to six o’clock. Since our incident this morning, I heard nothing from Sean. So, I made dinner plates for Roman and me. Two bites into my garlic bread, I could hear Sean coming in through the front door.
“Roman, take your food and go into the family room, ah’ight?” he said after walking in the kitchen.
“Okay, Dad.”
After Roman left the kitchen with his plate, Sean looked at me. I knew he wanted to talk and I was ready. I needed to get to the bottom of the crying episode from last night. Sean sat at the table with me and put his right hand on my left.
“First, I want to say I’m sorry for leaving like that this morning. I didn’t know what to say to you at the time, so I’m sorry. As for last night, I just got emotional, Monica. I meant what I said. I don’t want to lose you.”
“And what reason have I given you that you feel you’re going to lose me?”
“None.”
“Okay, so what is it then? You don’t trust me?”
“I trust you.”
“So why is it that you think I’m going to leave you? Do you feel guilty about something?”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“Is there someone else?”
“What?” He took his hand off of mine. “I can’t believe you just asked me that.”
“Well, I don’t know what to think, Sean. I mean, look at it from my point of view. You were crying and saying how you didn’t want to lose me, and then there’s this sex issue. We’ve never made love. It’s like you want me but you really don’t.”
“I do want you, and I will never cheat on you, Monica. I don’t want anyone but you, baby.”
“Then why haven’t we made love, Sean?”
“Because I don’t want there to be an ounce of doubt in your mind about me. I want to know and feel in my heart that you want to spend the rest of your life with me.”
“If there was doubt, I never would’ve married you. There is no doubt, Sean. I love you.”
“Good.” He stood up and gave me a peck on the lips, then walked to the refrigerator to get a bottle of water. After I watched him drink the entire bottle, I walked up to him, loosened his necktie, unbuttoned his dress shirt down three buttons, and browsed his chest with small kisses. I know that turned him on. He spun me around like we were ballroom dancing, picked me up, and pushed me up against the refrigerator. He was wild, kissing me out of control, and I was enjoying every second of it.
“Sean, Roman is right in the other room.” I tried to stop him when he attempted to take off my shirt.
“I know,” Sean said, kissing me like he didn’t care if we got caught. He let go of my shirt and undid the clasp of my bra with one hand.
“Mommy,” Roman called out to me from the family room. “Can I have another piece of bread?”
I hurried up and fixed my clothes, then got him a piece of bread. Sean looked at me and we laughed together. It was fun almost getting caught after being frisky with hubby in the kitchen.
I put Roman to bed around seven-thirty. Then I joined Sean on the bed in our room to play a game of Scrabble. We would usually always end our days by doing some sort of activity together before we went to bed. Tonight was Scrabble night. Sean had already whipped me in chess and blackjack last week, so tonight was the night for me to redeem myself.
However, that didn’t happen. My baby didn’t have any mercy on me, but that’s cool. Sean liked to play hard. That was one of the things I loved about him.
I laid down in the middle of our super king-sized bed and Sean slid behind me, spooning me like he always does. I could feel the warmth of his body on me while he breathed heavy on the nape of my neck and lowered the strap of my cami. Is tonight the night, I thought to myself. Is this man preparing himself to make love to me?
“Monica, take that off,” he said, while tugging on my top. I did what he asked, quickly. I didn’t want Sean to rip my favorite top off of me, and I knew he would. Besides, whatever my baby wanted I was willing to do.
After I took off my top, Sean rolled his one-hundred-seventy-five-pound body over me. He pinned my arms to the bed with his hands wrapped so tight around my wrists, he was restricting my blood circulation. I might as well been cuffed to the bed with the way he held me in confinement. His wet lips met mine, and slowly we kissed while sliding our tongues into each other’s mouths. His kisses were so soft, his lips supple. They felt like wet gummy bears teasing me to nibble on them and chew ‘em like candy. Sean kept my arms pressed to the bed and we kissed more. I loved kissing him. We could do that all night if that’s all he wanted to do. Kissing was my favorite foreplay activity. It was one of the most intimate moments you could share with a person.
Sean never wore tops to bed and he would usually wear boxers, but somehow without my knowledge, he snuck in bed butt naked tonight. He released my arms, then moved toward my breasts. Maybe he was about to make love to me, but how could I be sure?
“I want to make love to you,” he said in a softened whisper, while looking into my eyes. Is my baby reading my mind or what? This man was ready to tear into me like a fat kid ready to rip through the wrapper of a Snickers bar.
Our room was dark with the exception of the little bit of streetlight that peered through the white, sheer curtains hanging against our bedroom windows. The scent of black cherry candles permeated our space. There was no bump ‘n grind music. All we could hear was the sound of each other breathing, anticipating the love we were both about to receive.
Later, our hot, sweaty bodies are clinging to the sheets. In my lifetime, I don’t remember ever being so relaxed. Sean had taken me to a whole new level of pleasure. I was so calm all I wanted to do was sleep.
“I love you, Moni,” Sean whispered in my ear. “I love you so much, baby.”
I froze when he said that. My body had completely gone numb. Why did he call me that? The only man to ever call me by that name was Cornelius. That was his pet name for me and I would call him Neal, my shortened name for Cornelius.
Keep your composure, Monica. Keep your composure. I kept saying the mantra over and over in my head. I wasn’t going to let a name ruin our perfect night.
“I love you, too, Sean.”
He smiled and kissed me on my forehead, while I laid there watching him in all of his glory. I had fallen in love with a man of wisdom, patience, and recognized beauty. He was more than a man to me – he was my rock, a perfect image of the love I was meant to have even before I was born.
That’s why I should have been ashamed of myself. As me and Sean huddled in bed like we were about to run our next play, Cornelius weighed heavy on my mind. Even after years of not hearing a word from him, I thought about the man.
I must have it bad for him.
Chapter 30 - Obsessed With My Ex
They say you never forget your first, and though I love Sean more than life itself, I will never forget Cornelius. Don’t get me wrong. Sean has every quality that any woman would want in a husband. He was a caring father, he had a six-figure gig that was pushing seven figures, he had a hot body, he was fine as ever, and to top it all off, he knew how to make love to me the way I wanted it. He just proved that to me.
After round three and thirty minutes of cuddling with my hubby, I should have been exhausted and ready for sleep. Instead, I was shamefully engulfed in thoughts of my ex, Cornelius Hill. I hadn’t seen Cornelius anywhere around Milwaukee. As a matter of fact, since that fateful night I told him about the baby, I had not seen him at all. It was as if he had disappeared. Did he move? Is he somewhere happily married? I wanted to know. After all, he is Eric’s father.
Wherever he was, I’m sure Cornelius hated me. I gave his child away, a child that he wanted. It’s a sad fact, but you don’t run into many black men who are actually happy, willing, and ready to accept a child as theirs. That’s just my opinion. Or maybe I’ve just seen one too many paternity test episodes on Maury where he announces, “You are not the fat
her,” and the man is celebrating on stage as if having a baby was the worst thing that could ever happen to a guy.
Anyway, Cornelius wanted the baby. I wanted the baby, too. My wicked witch mother, Deborah, didn’t want me to keep the baby. Sometimes I think about what would have happened if I didn’t listen to her and just kept my baby. All I do is wonder. I guess in a way I should thank my evil, self-consuming mother. Had I not listened to her I probably would have never met, fell in love with, and married the most incredible man I’ve ever met in my life. Granted, my relationship with Sean started out a little rocky, but the trek on our bumpy road was filled with chemistry. We had the ingredients we needed to make this thing work and we used it to cook up something delectable.
Now Sean and I were on target to have a good, solid life together. Little Roman was the perfect child, and Sean and I planned on having children in the future. By the way he put it on me, I might already be pregnant, especially since I’m not on birth control. But that’s okay. I wouldn’t mind having a few little light-skinned, curly-haired babies running around the place. I would gladly have all of Sean’s babies.
My eyes were getting heavy. All of these thoughts running back and forth in my mind were making me physically and mentally tired.
“AHH!” I WOKE up after having that stupid dream again. I sat straight up in bed, breathing heavy. My heart was pounding. My face was full of sweat and tears. I looked over at Sean, who was sleeping like a baby. Looking at the big red numbers on the clock, the time was 3:48 a.m. The alarm clock usually went off at five, so I had an hour to get just a little more sleep, if I could get back to sleep at all.
I can’t believe I’m having this dream again. I swear this dream is going to be the death of me. This time in my twisted vision, I was standing on a beach holding Sean’s hand, when he suddenly removed his hand from my grasp. Then he ripped off his face like it was a mask and Cornelius appeared. His face was bloody and he was crying out for me. What did it all mean? Did it mean Cornelius needed me and was actively searching for me? Or did it mean I wanted Cornelius so much I was willing to sacrifice my marriage to get him back in my life? The dream also had me questioning my love for Sean. What would I do if Cornelius wanted to get back with me? Would I leave Sean? Was my love for Cornelius greater than the love I have for my own husband?
I somehow managed to get back to sleep. After what seemed to be only a few minutes, the alarm clock went off. Sean rolled over, kissed me on the cheek, and went into the bathroom to get ready. He spent more time getting ready for work than I did. Sean was in the mirror for about an hour, shaving, brushing his teeth, moisturizing his face, and applying mousse to his curly hair that I love so much. He spent another thirty minutes in the shower and thirty minutes in the kitchen eating his morning snack.
I, on the other hand, took a ten-minute shower, brushed my teeth, slapped on some foundation, and then went to Roman’s room to help him finish getting ready. Afterwards, we would meet up in the kitchen to spend those few minutes together as a family before heading our separate ways into the world.
I kissed Sean on the way to my jeep. We were both leaving at the same time. “I love you.”
“I love you, too, baby,” Sean said, as he placed his briefcase in the backseat of his truck, while at the same time I put Roman’s book bag in the backseat of my new black Range Rover that Sean had bought me right after we were married.
“Bye, Dad,” Roman said before he got into the backseat.
“See you later, son. Be good.”
On the way to school, I didn’t have time to get my usual cup of Starbucks. So, I was forced to settle for that crap they call coffee in the teachers’ lounge. Two cups in the morning and one in the afternoon kept me awake until classes were over.
Keisha walked over to see me when all the kids were gone. “Hey, girl.”
“Hey, Keisha.”
“You look tired. Sean must have put it on you last night, huh?”
I smiled. “Well…actually.”
“Whaaaaat! Hold on...I thought you bought the cow but wasn’t getting any milk?”
“Well, I got some last night.” I couldn’t believe how excited I was telling Keisha about my sex life. “And it did my body good.”
“So give me the scoop. How was it?”
“It was beautiful. It was everything I imagined it would be.”
“That’s wonderful. At least everything is normal now.”
“Please. I wish everything was normal.”
“What’cha mean?”
“It’s just that last night when we were finished making love, Sean called me Moni.”
“And? You know what Daryl calls me when we make love?”
“What, Keisha?”
“Keke. That’s what he calls me…Keke, and it’s only when we’re making love. I’m cool with that. So, if Sean wants to give you a pet name, what’s so bad about that?”
“I’ll tell you what’s wrong with that. Cornelius used to call me that. He was the only person that ever called me that.”
“Oh, yeah…that’s right.”
“Unh huh. So you must know how awkward it was for me to hear Sean call me that.”
“Yeah, I see what you mean.”
“So then I started thinking about Cornelius, not to mention I had that dream again.”
“Wait…you were thinking about Cornelius while you were making love to Sean?”
“No! Okay, maybe a little, but it wasn’t like what you’re thinking. When we were done, that’s when he said, ‘I love you, Moni.’”
“Dang, girl. I don’t know what to say about that one. Maybe you should talk to ya man.”
“And say what? I can hear myself now. You know, Sean, I love you, but last night when we made love for the first time, I was thinking about another man afterwards. Yeah, that’s going to go over real well, Keisha.”
Keisha laughed. “Nah, girl. You can’t say it like that.”
“I just don’t want to upset Sean with this.”
“Well, just get Cornelius out of your head.”
“How can I when Sean is calling me the same name Cornelius used to?”
“Tell Sean to stop calling you that.”
“Okay, then what do I say when he asks why?”
“Say you don’t like it.”
“Yeah, I’m sure that’s gonna fly.”
“Well, I don’t know what else to tell you, Monica. I’m running out of suggestions.”
“Let me ask you a question. Do you ever think about your ex boyfriends?”
“Sometimes, but not to the point that I want them back in my life.”
“That’s the thing…I don’t want Cornelius back. I just can’t seem to make him go away.”
“Well, just realize that you have a wonderful man at home. Sean loves you, girl.”
“I know.”
“So remember that the next time you start to think about Cornelius. And think about the hundreds of women who wished they were you right about now.”
I smiled. She had a point. I had instantly become the envy of every single woman in Milwaukee. “Okay. I will.”
I could hear my phone vibrating in my purse. Looking at the screen, I saw it was my boo.
“Hold on, Keisha. It’s Sean.” I answered the phone. “Hey, baby.”
“Hey, sweetheart. You don’t have any plans tonight, do you?”
“Ah…no. Why? You want to give me more of what you gave me last night?”
“Mmm, big daddy got plans for you, baby.”
“Ooh, I can’t wait.”
Keisha looked at me and whispered, “Y’all nasty. I’m out.”
I grinned at her comment and waved bye.
“Well, what you want to do tonight?” I asked Sean. “I talked to Kevin earlier. He was hoping he could come over tonight and play cards with you guys. Can you round up Warren and Derrick?”
“I’m sure I can. What about you? What are you going to do?”
“I was thinking me, Keisha,
Nikki, Chandra, and Ciara could chill in the family room and watch a movie or something.”
“And then we can make our own movie later.”
A huge smile blossomed on my face. “Mmm…sounds good to me, papi.” I laughed again at my own silliness.
“Everything sounds good then. I’ll call up Warren and Derrick right now.”
“Okay, babe.”
“Okay. Je t’aime.”
“What?”
“Je t’aime. It means I love you in French.
“Aww…you’re so sweet. I love you, too.”
“Okay, baby. I’ll see you later.”
“Okay. Bye.”
EVERYTHING WENT AS planned. Sean entertained the guys with cards, while I kept the girls company with popcorn, pizza, Pepsi, and pina coladas that Sean made for us. The evening turned out to be a success. We both enjoyed the company of our families, and after everyone left, Sean rocked my world. Skip seeing stars…I was seeing planets. It was a good thing the next day wasn’t a workday. We didn’t get to sleep until four o’clock that morning.
When we finally did wake up, we had another freaky session of lovemaking in the shower, on the floor in the family room, on the staircase in the living room, and then once in the kitchen. Since Roman spent the night at Warren’s, we didn’t have to worry about someone walking in on us. We had the whole castle to ourselves. Sean couldn’t keep his hands off me. Every time our eyes met, we knocked boots.
Sean was all the man that I needed. He was brilliant, desirable, and charming. Most importantly, he was mine. He took Cornelius’ place in my heart.
Chapter 31 - Back on Track
In May, I resigned from teaching and started working toward my photography degree. I enrolled in several classes to start off. I remember when I told Deborah that I wanted to pursue photography. She threw a hissy fit. “No daughter of mine is gon’ be taking pictures for a living,” she babbled. And again, I listened to her. Now I was doing what I wanted to do, and Sean was supportive of all of my efforts. He did whatever he could for me, even helping me study for the occasional quiz.
