200+ Mulla Nasrudin Stories and Jokes

by Rodney Ohebsion

  “Now, I’m no expert or anything,” said Nasrudin, “and please don’t take this the wrong way-but tell me this: Doesn’t it take nine months for a woman to go from child conception to childbirth?”

  “You men are all alike,” she replied, “so ignorant of womanly matters. Tell me something: how long have I been married to you?”

  “Three months,” replied Nasrudin.

  “And how long have you been married to me?” she asked.

  “Three months,” replied Nasrudin.

  “And how long have I been pregnant?” she inquired.

  “Three months,” replied Nasrudin.

  “So,” she explained, “three plus three plus three equals nine. Are you satisfied now?”

  “Yes,” replied Nasrudin, “please forgive me for bringing up the matter.”

  Cursing Fine

  After tripping on a rock while walking, Nasrudin angrily yelled out, “Son of a bitch!“

  Unfortunately, a man who happened to be standing nearby thought the comment was directed towards him, and was so offended that he took Nasrudin to court, much to Nasrudin’s annoyance.

  When the judge heard the case, he ruled that Nasrudin should pay the man five dollars.

  Nasrudin then handed the judge a ten dollar bill, and as the judge searched for change, Nasrudin asked, “So I take it the fine for cursing at someone is five dollars, right?”

  “Right.”

  “OK then-keep the change you son of a bitch.”

  Customers Want Refund

  Nasrudin was in need of some money, and decided to bag sand as sell it as rat poison.

  After selling quite a bit of it, he was approached the next day by a few angry customers demanding a refund.

  “We put the rat poison in our houses,” they said, “and it didn’t kill a single rat.”

  “Well,” replied Nasrudin, “are you saying that you just sprinkled the powder in your house?”

  “Yes,” they said.

  “Well then,” countered Nasrudin, “you didn’t follow the directions properly-and I am not responsible for that.”

  “Well how should we have used the powder?” they inquired.

  “You were supposed to hit the rat hard in the head, and then put the powder in its mouth.”

  Nasrudin “Helps” Prepare a Meal

  Nasrudin and a friend bought some ingredients to make a meal of meat, rice, and vegetables.

  “Nasrudin,” said the friend, “you make the rice, and I’ll cook the vegetables.

  “Actually,” said the other, “I have no clue how to make rice.”

  “Fine-just slice the vegetables, and I’ll take care of the rice.”

  “Well, to be honest, I really don’t know how to slice vegetables.”

  “Then go prepare the meat for the stove.”

  “I would really like to-but I have an aversion to raw meat.”

  “Then go light the stove.”

  “Unfortunately, I can’t do that. I’m afraid of fire.”

  Tired of hearing all of Nasrudin’s excuses, the friend made the meal all by himself.

  When it was ready, he put the food on the table and said to Nasrudin, “Well, I’ll bet that you are also unable to eat meat, vegetables, and stew, right?”

  “Indeed I am,” Nasrudin replied, “but since I know you went to so much trouble to make this meal, I will do my best to eat it.”

  The Walk Home

  The local religious leader was not too fond of Nasrudin.

  However, one night, he, being uneager to walk home alone, decided to join Nasrudin as they headed back to their neighborhood.

  As they reached a steep passage, the religious leader looked up and said, “Great God-surely you have made this path steeper in order to punish my companion for his not-so-exemplary behavior.”

  “My friend,” Nasrudin replied, “you’ve got it all wrong. When I took this very road this morning on my way to work it was downhill and a very easy walk. But now that you are accompanying me, it is sloping upwards like this!“

  Am I Going to Heaven or Hell?

  One day, the King asked Nasrudin, “Mulla, when I die, am I going to heaven or hell?”

  “Hell,” replied Nasrudin.

  “And why is that?” the King angrily demanded to know.

  “Well,” replied Nasrudin, “it’s just that heaven is already full of all those innocent people you have slain and executed over the years. But don’t worry-they’ve reserved a place of honor for you in hell.”

  Meal Payment

  Nasrudin ate a meal of stew at a restaurant, and then left without paying his bill.

  The owner ran up to him and said, “Hey-you haven’t paid for your meal yet.”

  “Well,” replied Nasrudin, “let me ask you this: did you pay for all of my meal’s ingredients at the bazaar.”

  “Yes, of course I did,” the man replied.

  “Then this food has already been paid for,” explained Nasrudin, “so why pay twice?”

  Nasrudin Steals Wheat]

  Nasrudin was at the local mill along with many others. As they waited for their turn, Nasrudin scooped wheat from other people’s sacks into his own.

  The miller noticed this and confronted Nasrudin.

  “What are you doing?” he said.

  “Don’t mind me,” replied Nasrudin, “I am just a half-wit. I do whatever comes to my head.”

  “Well then,” the miller replied, “Then why hasn’t it come to you head to put your wheat into other people sacks.”

  “Hey, I said I was a half-wit,” replied Nasrudin. “I never said I was a complete idiot.”

  Nasrudin Dies

  Nasrudin was very old and lying on his bed, about to die at any moment. He said to his wife, “Why are you dressed in black and looking so sorrowful? Go put on your finest clothes, fix up your hair, and smile!“

  “Nasrudin,” she tearfully responded, “how can you ask me to do such a thing? You are ill, and I am dressed like this out of respect for you.”

  “Yes,” Nasrudin said, “and that’s why I made my request. The Angel of Death will be here soon, and if he sees you all dressed up and beautiful, maybe he’ll leave me and take you instead.”

  And after giving a little laugh, Nasrudin died.

  Debate

  Nasrudin and some friends were at the town square. The friends, looking for any subject to discuss, began debating over the sex of the dove that brought the olive twig to Noah’s Ark.

  After listening to the debate, Nasrudin spoke up and said, “This is actually a very easy question to answer. The dove was male-I am sure about it.”

  “How can you be so sure?” the friends asked.

  “Because,” explained Nasrudin, “no female would be able to keep her mouth shut for such a long length of time!“

  Train Ticket

  Nasrudin was about to board a train, and the conductor asked him for his ticket.

  Nasrudin began looking through his pants pockets, but he couldn’t find it.

  “One moment,” he said. “I know I brought it.”

  He searched his bag, and still couldn’t find it. He then searched the floor around him, and the missing ticket still eluded him. He even began looking in his socks, but alas, the money was not found.

  As the conductor watched this, he asked, “Why don’t you check that pocket on your shirt? That’s usually where most people put their ticket.”

  “Oh, I can’t look there,” Nasrudin replied.

  “Why not?” the conductor asked.

  Nasrudin explained, “Because if I do and I find out it is not there, then I would have no hope at all of finding it!“

  The Oven

  Nasrudin was building an oven in his yard. When he finished, he showed it to the neighbors.

  “The oven is good,” said one of them, “however, it faces North. When it gets windy in the winter, the wind will blow out the fire.”

  Nasrudin then rebuilt the oven, this time making it face south. When he
showed it to his friends, however, one of them said, “It’s strong and solid-but it faces south. When wind blows from a certain direction, you won’t be able to cook properly.”

  So Nasrudin rebuilt the oven facing east, and invited his friends back. They examined it, and one said, “Surely you must realize that during certain times of the year, wind will blow the smoke right towards your house!“

  Frustrated, Nasrudin decided to build the oven again, but this time put wheels underneath it.

  He invited his neighbors over and proudly showed it to them. They looked it over and seemed to approve. Then one of them said, “Nasrudin, congratulations on your new oven.”

  “Thank you,” replied Nasrudin.

  Then his friend said, “Might I ask you a favor and borrow that oven tonight. I just would like to use it to make a fine meal for my acquaintance that is coming over. I will return it to you tomorrow.”

  Nasrudin agreed, and the friend wheeled off the oven. That day, Nasrudin bought lots of meat preparing for a barbecue of his own.

  His friend brought back the barbecue the next morning, and Nasrudin went off to work.

  When he got, however, his wife told him, “That stupid idea of your-that

  “What do you mean?” Nasrudin said.

  She replied, “First your friend borrowed it, and we could not use it. And today, while I was buying the meat for our barbecue, some thieves came here and stole it from our yard!“

  The Test

  Nasrudin and a local man were in the midst of a philosophical discussion, and the latter posed the following question to the Mulla:

  “Tell me this,” he said. “How come whenever a buttered piece of bread is flipped in the air, it always falls on the buttered side.”

  Nasrudin heard this and then decided to test it out. He got a piece of bread and buttered one side, and then tossed it in the air, and it landed on the unbuttered side. He immediately said, “Well there goes your theory. The bread has fallen on the unbuttered side.”

  Undeterred, the other man replied, “No, you are mistaken. You buttered it on the wrong side.”

  Nasrudin Buries His Donkey

  One day, Nasrudin’s beloved donkey dropped dead.

  Greatly saddened, Nasrudin decided to make a grave for it and give it a formal burial and ceremony.

  As he cried at the gravesite over the loss of his beloved donkey, someone noticed him and asked, “Who is buried there?”

  Embarrassed to admit it was his donkey, he replied, “A great sheik. He appeared to me in a dream and told me that no one was visiting his grave-so I came here in order to honor and remember him.”

  Soon, word spread of the sheik, and many people began visiting the grave. A few weeks later, Nasrudin was traveling by on his new donkey, and noticed a large gathering of people, and an altar built on the gravesite.

  “What’s going on here?” he asked someone.

  “A great sheik was buried here, and we are all honoring him.”

  “What!“ said Nasrudin.” This is my donkey’s grave. I buried him here myself!“

  Greatly outraged, the people took Nasrudin to the religious official.

  After explaining his story to him, the religious official, very offended, ordered his assistants to give Nasrudin several lashes to the back.

  As he walked home with welts on his back, Nasrudin thought to himself, “Wow, my donkey was really something. He was so great that the people made him a sheik.”

  Nasrudin’s Soul

  Nasrudin was madly in love with his wife. He lavished her with affection, and constantly referred to her as “Soul.”

  Then one night the Angel of Death came to him and said, “I am here to take your soul.”

  Immediately, Nasrudin turned to his wife and said, “Wake up! Someone is here for you!“

  Nasrudin the Liar and Exaggerator

  Mayor: “Nasrudin. You are known to be a liar and exaggerator. Tell me a lie without thinking, and I will reward you with fifty dollars.”

  Nasrudin: “Fifty dollars? You just promised me a hundred dollars!“

  The Horse Seller

  Nasrudin was in the marketplace listening to a horse dealer’s sales pitch.

  “This is the most exquisite horse in this village,” the seller exclaimed. “It is lighting fast and never gets tired. In fact, if you left this village right now, you would get to Samarkand at five AM.”

  Hearing this, Nasrudin spoke up and said, “Why on earth would I want to be in Samarkand so early in the morning?”

  The Umbrella

  As Nasrudin and a friend walked, it suddenly began raining hard.

  The friend noticed that Nasrudin was carrying an umbrella, and said, “Open your umbrella to prevent us from getting soaked.”

  “No,” said Nasrudin, “that won’t do us much good. This umbrella is full of holes.”

  “So then why did you bring it?” the friend curiously asked.

  “Well,” explained Nasrudin, “I didn’t really think it would rain today.”

  News Delivery

  “Nasrudin,” said the mayor, “Mrs. Shahrzad Rahman’s husband died today. Go tell her, but try to break the news gently. She is a very frail lady.”

  Nasrudin went to her house and knocked on the door.

  A frail lady answered.

  “Does Miss Shahrzad the widow live here?” asked Nasrudin.

  “My name is Shahrzad and I do live here,” the lady replied. “But I am not a widow.”

  “Well,” Nasrudin replied, “I’m willing to bet a hundred dollars that you are!“

  Who is He?

  Nasrudin talking to a cobbler who told the following riddle: “There is a person who is my father’s son, but he is not my brother. Who is he?”

  After a while, Nasrudin said, “I don’t know. Who?”

  “Me,” the cobbler replied.

  Greatly amused, Nasrudin went to a group of people the next day and told them the riddle.

  He said to them, “There is a person who is my father’s son, but he is not my brother. Who is he?”

  After thinking for a while, they said, “Who?”

  Nasrudin replied, “Believe it or not, he is the cobbler that works on Kalak Drive.”

  Your Cat is Dead

  Nasrudin had a cousin who went to live far away, and left some of his possessions with Nasrudin.

  One day, the cousin’s cat died, and Nasrudin sent him a message that bluntly said: “Your cat is dead.”

  The cousin, very upset, sent a message back that said, “Where I live, we give people bad news more tactfully. Instead of just telling me flat out that my cat was dead, you should have let me know me little by little. You should have started off by saying, first told me, ‘Your cat is acting strange,’ then later said, ‘your cat is jumping all over the place,’ then still later told me, ‘Your cat is missing,’ and then finally broken the news and said, ‘Your cat is dead.’

  A month later, Nasrudin’s cousin received a new letter from Nasrudin, which said: “Your mother is acting strange.”