by Ashley Munoz
Laying there on the pull-out bench, I watched her sleep. Watched the screen next to her head, watched everything. I tried to sleep, but my eyes kept finding her, watching to make sure she was with me, safe and alive. After about an hour, I gave up, picked up my blanket, and quietly walked over to Ramsey’s bed, gently sliding in next to her. I carefully made sure her hand wasn’t bothered, then curled around her as much as I could and nuzzled her neck. I knew I would probably get in trouble for it, but at least I might get some sleep. I closed my eyes, and fell into a peaceful sleep, thinking of all the reasons why I should keep Ramsey, even though I didn't deserve her. They were good thoughts to end the day on. Especially knowing that come tomorrow, I'd let her go because in this, I would lay down my selfish desires and let her have what she deserved—a life free of me.
I woke up to a full bladder that was nearly ready to explode. I lifted my head and looked down towards my legs, trying to see if there was a catheter line put in. I mean, I thought I wouldn’t feel the pressure on my bladder with that thing in. I couldn’t see anything, and it was still slightly dark outside, so I pressed the red button on my TV remote, requesting a nurse. She came in seconds later, and must have known what I needed because she moved my guard rail on the bed into the correct position and helped me get up. The nurse seemed nice; she grabbed my IV stand and followed me to the bathroom that was attached to my room. As I got situated, I dared ask her, “So, no catheter then?”
Her blue eyes seemed to light up at my question, and she may have even held back a smile. “No honey, your legs work fine, so we left that out.”
She shut the door and left me to do my business. As I did said business, I wondered what had happened to my snuggly bedmate.
I had woken up in the middle of the morning, or night, whatever it was, and felt a body next to mine. I couldn’t look up, but from the angle down and the smell, I knew it was Jimmy. The safety and comfort, and probably drugs, helped me fall back asleep, but now he wasn’t around. It made that sickly feeling come back, that he might pull away or leave me alone. I didn’t want Jimmy to leave me, I wanted him to help me get through this. I washed my hands, careful to avoid the IV line, and then looked up at the mirror and stared at my reflection. I didn't recognize myself. There were tiny cuts and large bruises all over my face. My nose was bandaged, my lips were cut and swollen, and my whole face was puffy and gross. I gently touched parts of my face and held back tears. I tried to focus on my hair instead of my face. I also really wanted a shower but figured I might need to wait until they took out the IV line. I pulled my fingers through my hair as best as I could, and tried to braid part of it back, but without a hair tie, I couldn't keep it in. For now, it would have to do. I finished the braid and headed back into my room.
The nurse was typing on a laptop that was attached to a large machine. When she saw me, she smiled. “Everything okay?”
As in, did I pee? Oy, the vulnerability of this place. I gave her a quick look and headed to the bed. “Yes, all good, thanks.”
I got back in as comfortably as one can with an IV hooked up to their hand. The nurse kept typing, so I took inventory of the room. There was no extra pillow on the pull-out bench by the window, no extra blanket, and it looked like no one had been here at all. I wondered for a second if maybe I had imagined Jimmy being with me last night. He felt so real, though; that, or I wasn’t ready to admit delirium yet.
“So, hon, we have the doctor coming in to go over things with you in a bit. Anything I can get for you until then?” the nurse asked, while finishing up some notes on the whiteboard that was by the entrance to my room. I realized how ravenous I was, and definitely required some food.
“Uh, there is room service or something like it, right?”
She looked over at me from the whiteboard. “Yeah, something like it, they open at 6:15.” I looked at the big wall clock and wanted to cry—still another forty-five minutes to go.
“Are you sure they can’t open any sooner? I haven’t eaten in a long time, and I think I might be starving.”
She gave me a funny look when I said that, sure she probably didn’t believe me. I wanted to point to my face and hand as proof, but what good would that do? She put the lid on the whiteboard marker and turned to me with an empathetic smile.
“Sorry hon, I can’t force the warden who runs that kitchen to do anything. Don’t you have someone here that can run to a fast food joint or something for a breakfast sandwich? I thought I saw a guy curled up next to you last night?”
A-ha! I knew it.
If my face would cooperate, then I would smile like the devil himself. I knew Jimmy had snuggled me last night, but where the heck was he now? I looked down at my hands, and then out the window. “Uh, yeah, I think he had to go into work early. I’m not sure.”
Pathetic. So, pathetic.
She gave me another sad smile and then looked at the clock. “Hang in there, hon, it’s almost time.” The nurse looked at her wristwatch and then left me, starved and alone. I was being a little dramatic, but in that moment, it felt very justified. I didn’t have my cell, or any way to call someone. I wouldn’t call my mom and I didn’t know Laney’s cell by heart since she changed it.
Damn you, digital age!
I rested my head back against the bed, and closed my eyes, hoping to fall back asleep, when I heard a light knock on the door. A second later, it opened and in came another nurse holding a white paper bag that smelled like sausage and cheese and right at that moment, heaven itself. My mouth watered as the nurse made her way towards me. She had dark hair and looked a little older than me. She wore purple medical scrubs and the closer she got, I caught her name tag said: Jenny. She came up to my bed and helped turn the table next to me into an actual food tray over my lap.
“Hey there, sweetie, someone thought you might be hungry when you woke up and asked that we bring this in for you.”
Jimmy strikes again. That man was worrying me, feeding me, and melting my heart, but also pissing me off all at the same time.
I tried to put some hair behind my ears as I sat up straighter. “Thanks, I’m starving.” She opened the bag and placed the breakfast bagel out in front of me, then pulled a plastic cup from the bathroom and filled it with water, setting it in front of me.
“It might not be my place, so I apologize if I overstep, but that man sure seems to care a lot about you,” she said with a dreamy smile on her face. She was so pretty when she smiled, it was like she glowed or something.
I took the cup of water and sipped, then replied gently, “Maybe, but then why isn’t he here?” I tried to sound funny, or joking, but it came out with a little edge to it. Jenny the nurse straightened and threw away the extra bag and napkins.
“He was worried all night about you. He knows he isn’t exactly allowed in here until official visiting hours because he’s not family.”
Oh. Duh, Ramsey, always so dramatic. Gosh.
I tried to hide my embarrassment over assuming that he had just ditched me. “Oh, that makes sense. Thank you so much for bringing this in.”
Hopefully giving her the hint, she needed to vacate my room, so I could stop turning fifteen shades of red and also eat my food like a ravenous wolf.
She smiled again and looked like she wanted to say something else, but turned and walked out the door. I would feel bad, but I remembered that I had just survived abduction and abuse, so I deserved a little slack.
As hungry as I was, I had to gently and tentatively bite into my bagel, as I worked past my wounds. I slowly, and painfully, began to devour it. The juices from the sausage and cheese blended with the egg, and all morphed into a magical tonic for my aching body. Once I finished, I felt full and happy. I leaned back in my bed and closed my eyes, thinking about Jimmy, the food, and the fact that he took care of me. It made me smile. As awkward as it felt to smile with my mouth all jacked up, I did it anyway because Jimmy wasn't pulling away from me—I hadn’t lost him.
A little after seven in
the morning, there was a lot more activity in the room. The doctor had stopped by. He informed me that last night, when I was brought in, I was given a variety of tests to ensure there wasn't any brain damage. The cat scan had shown some concerns, in addition to the bruising on the face, which earned me my overnight observation. I had a hairline fracture in my right hand, and several small cuts that needed sutures that would dissolve on their own, in time. But mostly, I was fine.
I wanted to tell them that part of my care should have been food, and a warmer blanket, but this wasn’t some good Samaritan who had found me, it was the fine folks of Mercy Hospital. My doctor and nurses assured me that I would be released that afternoon, as long as someone was there to pick me up. The doctor did send in someone from the psych ward to talk to me about PTSD, encouraging me to talk with someone about what happened. I took their printout of suggested therapists and grunted my agreement. I just wanted to go home, but my head injury and body aches required some heavy pain meds that would prevent me from driving. I wasn’t exactly sure what to do about leaving, since I wasn’t able to contact anyone. I still had no way of contacting Laney, who was the only person I would call, since Jimmy still hadn't shown up after visiting hours started again.
I decided that I would call my old place of work and get Laney’s desk phone. It was Friday, so she should be working.
Just as I started calling, I heard commotion outside my door. I watched to see if someone would come in, hoping and even praying a little that it was Jimmy. I wanted to see him, talk to him, and process everything that had happened with him. The door started to open and a short, blondish-redhead came storming through with a shopping bag, and a large purse. I stared at my best friend as she made her way to me, and I noticed my strong and independent Laney had tears running down her face.
I reached out to grab her hand. She took it and held it gently, as she took in my face and bandaged hand. Her eyes had turned glossy from the tears, and her mouth was turned down. We stood like that for a second, and I tried to see myself through her eyes. If my best friend was hurt and damaged, I would be furious. I could see that Laney was battling some anger as she wiped at her tears and walked over to the bench by the window. She cleared her throat, still facing the window.
“I brought you some yoga pants, a sports bra, and a t-shirt. You're so tall, all I could think of was yoga pants, or some shorts. Since it’s so cold outside, I thought yoga pants would be good. The bra will be tight, because you're bigger than me, but it will better than walking around with those things on the loose."
“Laney.” I tried to get her attention because she was rambling, and she only did this when she was scared and trying to deflect some deep emotions.
“I didn’t think about shoes, though. I think I figured you would have shoes. Do you have shoes? I can go find some slippers, this place is a hospital, I’m sure they have slippers somewhere.”
“Laney…”
“Do you have socks?” She started rummaging through the bag and pulling things out of it.
“Laney, stop, look at me.” She had to stop, I needed her to stop.
She kept rummaging, refusing to look at me. “Damn socks, I always forget about socks. I blame the summer and flip flop season. It just barely ended, you know. I miss summer, I could have just grabbed you a t-shirt and shorts, and you could have walked out of here barefoot. But no, we live in Chicago and it’s freezing, and you could die…”
“Laney!” I yelled, and she turned around, dropping the bag. She looked like she had just come out of some mind trance or something.
“Stop, please. Come sit and talk to me.” I held out my hand out, but Laney started shaking her head back and forth.
“No, Ram, I can’t stop. Because if I stop, and we sit down, and we talk about the fact that you were kidnapped, and tortured, and almost killed, I will lose it. Do you understand me? I will lose it!”
She yelled the last part before she turned back around and started to gently fold the clothes she had taken out. Once she was done, she turned to face me again.
“What do you need? What can I get you? They told me you can go home today, so maybe I can help you get in the shower?”
I wanted to respect and understand why she didn’t want to talk about it, but I needed to talk about it. But maybe talking about it outside of the hospital would work, so I let it go for now.
“Yes, a shower would be great. They took out the IV line earlier, so I just need to wrap my hand and be careful of my face, and it will be fine. I don’t have anything, though…”
Laney cut me off by holding up a finger, then leaned down to pick up her big black bag. She pulled out two bottles of what looked like shampoo and conditioner, face wash, a toothbrush and toothpaste.
“All here. I knew you wouldn’t have anything, and I think they only give stuff to clean up with, to the babies born in this place.”
I tried to smile at her, and it only made her frown and turn away from me. She grabbed my clothes and headed into the bathroom, then came back for me.
Once I was all done with the shower, she brushed my hair and put my hair in a pretty braid. I was sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of her, while she sat on the bench by the window. Once she tied my hair off, she leaned down to hug me. She held me and after a few seconds, I felt hot tears hit my neck. I let her cry, let her feel broken with me. I cried too, hoping it would somehow cleanse the evil that infected me. I thought the shower would help, but I still felt their hands on me, their mouths, even their words. I was broken, and I wasn't sure if I'd ever be whole again. Laney held me for a while, until a chime came from her phone.
She sat up and started wiping at her tears. I slowly got up and walked back over to the bed. I didn’t want to climb back in it, because there’s something about returning to a bed that held you while you were broken and hurt. Once you feel healed, you don’t want any part of the brokenness ever again.
I looked over at Laney and saw that she was looking at a text with frustration as her face scrunched together. We hadn’t talked about her knowing that I was in the hospital. I assumed Jimmy told her, because he still hadn’t shown his face. I also assumed he told her, so that I would have a ride home. Not that I didn’t want and need my best friend, but I really did need to go over some things with him. I needed to talk and to vent, I needed to feel his arms around me, and for us to finally put an end to the distance that had been between us.
Laney typed a few things, then set her phone down and looked over at me. I was still awkwardly standing.
“Everything okay?” I asked, while trying to fold one of the white blankets on the bed, there were a few drops of blood on it. I scrunched my face and tossed the thing away. Laney let out a long sigh before she responded.
“Yes, it's okay. I just thought…I thought maybe Jimmy wanted to take you home. Not that I don’t want to. Please understand, I do. I just know you pretty well, and I know you would want him to take you home.”
I started to walk over to her and sat on the bench.
“Yeah, I was kind of hoping he would want to take me. What did he say?” I asked gently, hoping her response would be equally as gentle, and I wouldn’t be crushed.
“He just said that he had to get back to the kids and wondered if I could take you home. He said he’d pay for our cab ride and mine back home”
I looked down at my bare toes, not wanting to discuss if Jimmy thought of me as a responsibility or not. I knew he felt responsible for what happened. I also knew that Rav was right, and Jimmy was pushing me away. Laney must've caught on to my mood, because she didn’t push me after that. She sat down and wrapped an arm around me. “Men. What in the world are we going to do with them?”
She laughed, and I couldn’t help but laugh with her.
I checked out of the hospital around one in the afternoon. Laney asked our cab to stop by a pharmacy and get my pain meds, then we headed to a sandwich shop for lunch. The way home was full of music but void of the things I needed
to say. Laney finally turned to me and said,
“Okay, spill it. What in the heck happened, and why is Jimmy acting weird?”
I told her about the distance between him and I. I told her about Lisa’s visit and my decision to move to Chicago with my mom. I told her about ice cream with Jasmine and then the room I woke up in. I slowly and gently walked through as much detail as I could, while still holding some things back, because although someone loves you and may want to know of your trauma, they usually aren’t prepared for the gore of it. Once I got to the part where Rav told me that Jimmy would push me away, Laney made a sound, like it was all clicking together for her.
Once I was done telling her everything, she was quiet. She seemed like she was holding something back, the way she kept opening her mouth and closing it. Her gaze was fixed on the road in front of us, but her mind seemed like it was somewhere else.
"So, you are moving back to Chicago now?”
Her avoidance about the abduction stung a bit, but I couldn't hold it against her. She would rather not ask me anything than risk asking me the wrong thing. I looked out the window and tried to answer her question as best as I could.
“I honestly don’t know. I don’t want to leave Jimmy or the kids, or Theo, but at the same time, if it's the best shot for Mom, then I’ll take it. Besides, if Jimmy is going to push me away, then maybe it would be better if I wasn’t around for that. I barely survived the first round of it.”
I saw Laney nod her head in agreement, then she looked over and me and smiled.
“It’s going to be okay, Ram. I know it. Just hang in there. I finally have my place back, so if you need to come visit me, or stay with me, do it.”
That actually helped, because if I could stay with Laney, then I could be close to Mom. Last night, I was considering going to Chicago temporarily and making sure Jimmy knew that I would be back because all I wanted was Jimmy and to have another shot with him. Seems he had another idea in mind.
