by Ashley Munoz
Theo followed me into my room, but he didn’t move to touch me. He was sober, or nearly there; sober enough to talk at least. He sat across from me, in my vanity chair. He looked sad, and tired, his black hair was greasy and looked unwashed, and he stared me down and told me that he couldn’t keep doing this to me. That he wasn’t any good for me, that I could do better, and deserved better than him. He told me that he was sorry, but he loved me too much to keep putting me through it, and thought that if he let me go, I would find some good man who could give me everything I wanted and needed.
Once he was done, I stood up, walked over to him, and slapped him across the face, then asked him to leave.
I’m angry. I’m angry that he would take the coward’s way out, that he would sink so low as to assume what’s best for me, without even asking me. Only a coward would do that. That’s not love, it’s fear.
I know what I want. I know who I want. I know what I’m worth, and I know exactly what I am willing to wait for and put up with. No one bullied me into loving Theo Stenson, no one tricked me. I knew exactly who I was falling in love with from the beginning. I said yes to falling in love, with every scar, bruise, injury, and demon in mind. I knew the broken mess that Theo is, and I still said yes, and I still wanted him. Sure, it’s hard to see him like that, it guts me when I find him drunk after he already made plans with me, but it should be my choice to push him away, not his. He took away my choice in the relationship, I feel tricked by that alone. I should have a say in how the love of my life leaves, I should get a chance to stay or go. I should be worth more than just a man making a decision to end everything, when we haven’t both agreed on what to do. I am so angry and hurt, but Theo won’t get rid of me that easily. I will haunt his life until I get a say in this relationship, until I get a proper make-up or break-up, but no way am I sitting here while he calls all the shots.
I was cold from the inside out. How close our lives had become, my father’s and my own. How close he had come to losing my mother, the best thing that ever happened to him. The woman who hung the moon and stars, according to him, the woman who he could never replace because he said she took his whole heart, and now there was nothing left to give to anyone else. He was entirely content to live his life alone, without her, because she had completed him so entirely. Their love was legendary to me as a child, and as teen growing up.
Reading about my father's actions angered me and realizing how worked up I had gotten over the idea of him walking away without her having a say in it, was sobering. I understood now why Dad had given this to me. Dad tried the same move on Mom all those years ago. I had a feeling if I kept reading, I would see the only reason my parents had me, would be because of Mom’s persistence. I smiled at that, then immediately frowned. Ramsey had tried to be persistent with me, but I pushed her away, every chance I got. She was now leaving because I pulled this stupid stunt on her, and I didn’t know what to do to fix it.
I could feel the crater in my heart start to heal over at the words from my mother, it gave me a glimpse into Ramsey’s mind. If women were anything alike, then I had a pretty good idea at how I should play this one out. Either way, I had to try. It wasn't fair for me to just walk away without even giving her a choice in it. I had to figure out a way to fix it. The idea of keeping Ramsey was like breathing again; it felt right. I closed the journal, placed it back on the nightstand, and started thinking over my plan. I had made a lot of mistakes with Ramsey, so I couldn’t downplay this. I had to get it right. Somehow, someway, I just had to.
Mom had been checked into the Chicago Center for Medicine for two weeks now. The first week was hard on her, she didn’t want to be here, and even refused a visit from me, stating that I forced this on her. I answered that with a fat eye roll and a large glass of wine at Laney’s apartment, where I have been crashing while Mom does her treatments. The second week has been easier, and so far, she hasn’t refused to see me. Although, I do receive a lecture nearly every single day about leaving Belvidere, and Jimmy.
I wouldn’t even have to deal with the lectures if the idiot hadn’t shown up right before we were going to leave. Suddenly he wanted me to stay, suddenly he wanted to talk, suddenly he wanted to apologize. I walked past him, loaded my mother into the medical van, then walked to my own SUV and drove off. I had to put the idea of Jimmy wanting me, or wanting something to work between us, out of my mind before I left Belvidere. I had to, otherwise, I would never allow myself to heal.
I watched my distorted reflection in the shining elevator doors and waited for the ding of the tenth floor. I glanced down at my bare hand and smiled. I went and saw a doctor here about the cast, and he said it could be removed as long as I wore a brace at night. Once the elevator lightly arrived and the doors opened, I headed to my mother's room with my head down and my hand wrapped around my coffee cup. I came every day, and stayed all day, except for three times a week, when I visited my therapist for an hour. I started seeing someone for the PTSD I was struggling with after the abduction. I found someone here in Chicago, and I really liked them. The therapy seemed to be helping which, after the last few weeks, was huge.
I pushed down the handle to Mom’s door and went in. The rooms here were lightly furnished, so the residents didn’t feel like they were in a hospital. I padded to Mom’s small kitchen and set my coffee cup down. I started yelling to her from where I was, knowing she was awake, and most likely in the living room.
“Mom, what do you want to do for lunch today? I know it’s early, but I thought if we planned ahead, maybe we could get an order in to that soup place that you like.”
I was still looking through her small fridge when I heard muffled voices. I stood up and shut the fridge door. I heard a male voice that was distinctly not from a television. I headed into the living room and stopped short when I saw Theo sitting on my mother’s couch. He was drinking coffee, like it was the most normal thing in the world. I must have been in shock, because it took me awhile to register that he had started talking to me. After a few seconds, it hit me and I heard him.
“Hello, Ramsey, how are you doing, hon?”
I stared, wide-eyed, as I neared the chair opposite of him, “I’m doing good, how are you?”
I didn’t let him answer before I started in on my other question. “What are you doing here, Theo?”
He gave me that smile, the one that I pegged as a Dad smile. One I thought I might get from my own dad a time or two, if he hadn’t left us. He set his coffee down on the coffee table and leaned forward.
“I came to visit your Mom… and to see you about a few things.”
I looked over at Mom, who smiled sweetly. She had one of her knitted hats on, and a pink tracksuit, her feet covered in slipper socks. I was honestly glad to see Theo, and glad that he had come to visit with Mom, she loved visitors. I smiled at the man sitting across from me, unable to resist moving toward him for a hug. I missed him. He wrapped me in his big arms and closed me in his fatherly embrace, then kissed the top of my head. A few tears gathered in my eyes and were threatening to fall.
I heard him holding back his own emotions as he said, “I’ve missed you, kid. Place isn’t the same without you there.”
The tears fell, and I let them. After a few minutes of just laying against him, I sat up and wiped at my face.
“I’ve missed you too, Theo.”
He stroked my hair and gave me that Dad smile again,
“Well, I’m glad you're here. I have a little business to go over with you, at some point today, but I want to finish visiting with your mom before she has to go in for her rounds.”
He patted my knee and I moved to stand, while smiling at him. I was glad he made my mother a priority. I chose to take the opportunity to go finish my coffee at the kitchen counter, and to catch up on emails. I leaned against the counter, while cradling my cup and holding my phone in front of my face. I hadn’t checked the phone since I had left Laney’s house this morning. I took the train and then walked two blo
cks but chose to read a finance magazine on the trip here, keeping my phone snug in my purse. I had started doing that last week, after I couldn’t handle seeing the texts anymore.
At some point, I have to read them, but each day, I worked to put it off longer and longer. Today would have been the longest I had gone before checking them, but seeing Theo here reminded me of emails that needed to be caught up on for his business. I pressed the password in for my phone and saw the little notification at the top of the screen telling me that yes, Jimmy had texted again this morning, like he had every morning since I left. Every single day, it’s the same thing.
7:02 a.m.: Good morning, Ramsey.
8:02 a.m.: I miss you, Ramsey. I miss your smile, I miss your eyes, I miss your braids, and I miss your smell.
9:02 a.m.: Things I have never told you #14… The first day of your interview, I secretly wanted to give you the job, but it would have been for the wrong reasons. I can tell you those reasons if you want. Or I can show you.
9:30 a.m.: I was so stupid, and I hope you can forgive me.
Every day, he started out telling me good morning and that he missed different things about me. He then would give me some fact or thing he never told me before, then he would ask for forgiveness. The first week was all about the different things he went through and missed about me during the time he was doing the deal with Davis. This week had been a little bit of everything, but I didn't mind.
Every day, I looked forward to them and every day, he whittled away at this barrier between us. I missed him. I still loved him, but not once had I responded to a single text message of his. Although I wasn't replying to him, it didn't stop me from rereading his messages late at night, every night, as well as stalking all his social media platforms, and replaying old voicemails. It was pathetic. Still, I had to remember that it was my turn to put distance between us. Not because I wanted to punish him, or because I was being petty, but because I hated the girl I had become. I hated how weak I was while I waited for Jimmy to make all the rules. I needed to remind both of us that I can't be that person ever again. Not to mention, all the things I was working through with my therapist regarding the abduction, and my mom. I just needed some space from the drama that consumed me.
I moved to my email folder and started going through the calendar for Jimmy’s restaurant. We were coming up on November, and I wanted to get a look at the Thanksgiving work schedule and what timecards would look like. I noticed that the first week of November had an entire Friday evening blocked out for a private event, but no one was staffed for it. I wrinkled my forehead as I swiped my finger back through October’s notes, just to see if there was anything about it.
Why would there be an entire evening blocked out, during one of the busiest days of the week? It didn’t make any sense and the more I dug into it, the more confused I became. I had managed to handle business for two weeks without contacting Jimmy, and I planned to somehow keep it that way. Someone must have information on the staff shortage, so I decided that I would shoot an email to Jimmy’s manager. Surely, he would know, especially with the date a little over a week away.
Hey Josh,
I was looking through the calendar for November and noticed a Friday night on November 6th, where the whole restaurant is closed for a private party, but no staff is booked for the event. Do you know what that’s for, and how we can fix it? Thanks for any help you might have regarding the issue.
Ramsey Bennington
I sent the email off to Josh, and then closed out of my business email account. I was about to pull my laptop out when my phone chimed again. It was Josh with a reply. That was quick.
Hey Ramsey,
I see the date you are referring to, but the only notes I have on it are: ‘boss override: see Jimmy for any questions.’ Hope that helps, he will know what’s going on.
Josh Jakobs
I laid my head down on the counter and started lightly banging it on the surface because I really didn’t want to talk to Jimmy. I wouldn't even care about someone’s stupid mix-up, except that I needed to plan ahead for payroll. I decided that I could put it off for a few more days; maybe Josh would say something, and Jimmy would fix it. I pulled out my laptop and started working on Theo’s books, so I would be prepared for the business talk he wanted to have later. Everything seemed fine, he had made a few other big purchases, but it was all to improve the interior of Sip N Sides. His business was steady.
I heard a small knock at the door and then saw Alice, Mom's nurse, come in. I liked Alice. She was in her late forties, and grew up on a farm, like Laney. She was tough as nails, while being as caring and protective as a Mama Bear. Mom loved her too, probably because they both liked discipline and an older, more archaic, way of life.
“Good morning, time to start your rounds, Carla,” Alice said, in a sing-song voice, while walking further into the room. It didn't take her long to spot Theo.
“Oh my. Who do we have here? I didn’t know you had a gentleman caller, dear.”
I moved around until I could see Mom’s face. She always got embarrassed too easily. Sure enough, she had a red face and waved Alice off with a huff.
“Oh, stop that. This is Theo Stenson, a very good friend of mine. He just came to visit with me and go over some business with my daughter.”
Alice turned to me and smiled. “Gee-whiz, does he have a son?”
She winked at me, then Theo’s eyes slowly met mine. My eyes were dry and irritated from tears that I refused to shed for his son. Just the mention of him had me breathing harder, and my face blushing. I hated my reaction to this whole situation, so I turned away and headed back to my laptop. Alice seemed to notice my awkward reaction.
“Must have stepped in some messy horse poo with that comment.”
She went to help Mom up and together, they made their way out of the room, into the hall. I waved at Mom and told her I would be here waiting when she came back.
Once they were gone, the room was too quiet, and too stuffy. I didn’t want to talk about Theo’s son, or me leaving, or the fact that his son had been sending me text messages all day, every day, since I had been gone. I packed up my laptop and threw away my coffee cup as Theo made his way to the door.
“Let’s get some air and talk business, hon.”
I watched the water fountain splash, the water lapping from stone to stone as Theo situated in his seat. The indoor fountain was supposed to be serene and therapeutic to everyone who was here for treatment. Although we were both here to see someone we cared about, I couldn’t help but feel like an imposter, taking the serenity from the room that the fountain offered, that was reserved for the hurting and broken. I guess I could argue that we’re all hurting and broken in our own way.
I looked around the room and took in the large open seating area. There were floor to ceiling windows and solid hardwood floors. Comfortable white armchairs and couches were neatly placed, and a large piano sat in the corner. It was peaceful and calm, like a beautiful bubble, to contain all the pain and agony that went on in here. I watched the spraying water a few moments longer, getting lost in the sounds of the flowing water, then focused on the graying man in front of me.
Theo had a silver laptop open in front of him, a pair of small black glasses perched on his nose, and his eyebrows drew together in a look that could only be described as frustrated or utterly confused. He was determined to start up the laptop and get it ready for me without any help. Whatever “it” was. A few moments later, he held up his fingers and snapped while letting out a sound that I could only compare to The Fonz from Happy Days. I smiled at him and tried to lean forward to see his screen, which was dumb because there was no way that I could see it from where I was sitting.
I sat back in my chair, trying to be patient as Theo watched the screen load, only to find another screen that needed to load. I knew this because he kept letting out exaggerated sighs while saying, “Come on, how many screens need to load in order to use this thing?”
&n
bsp; I stifled a laugh and pulled out my cell phone, so I didn’t rush him.
It was a mistake because I saw a text message come through from Jimmy. It was a picture of him and the kids. Sammy was dressed in his soccer uniform, Jasmine’s hair was in a sloppy braid, and Jimmy was kneeling next to Sammy wearing dark jeans and a black hoodie. Sammy had both hands raised, like he was celebrating, and his smile could put the earth and moon to shame. I choked back a laugh and a cry at the same time, because seeing them all together opened the locked-away hurt and rejection that I had been holding in. The caption with the photo read, “Sammy won his game yesterday. His coach complimented his footwork…”
I turned my phone off, so that I wouldn’t cry, or respond, because if there was one way for Jimmy to get me to respond, it would be with the kids.
Theo finally let out a relieved sigh and turned the computer toward me. I sat up straight, put my phone in my purse, and looked at the screen in front of me. It looked like a document of some kind, that Theo had pulled up from an email attachment. I skimmed over it, but from what I could see, it looked like a legal form of some kind, with verbiage like “As the current owner, I beseech…” and “In the event of…” typed everywhere.
I glanced at him. “Theo, what am I looking at here?”
He leaned forward and took his glasses off. “Ramsey, I want to shoot straight with you. From the first night you walked into my bar and told me that awful story about my son, of all people, you became like a daughter to me.”
I gave him a sly smile and reminded him of that night. “You mean, the son you let me complain about for over an hour, but refused to tell me was actually your son?”
