Glimmer

by Ashley Munoz

  Welcome Home, Ramsey

  The second sign said:

  And Ramsey’s Mom

  Mom and I both laughed as we unpacked the car. Mom only unpacked her light travel purse, and her pillows from the front seat, while I grabbed our suitcases and bags. We made our way inside to a sparkling clean house. There were fresh flowers in glass vases, covering every possible surface in the house. I knew it was Jimmy even before I saw the note, but I knew for sure it was him when I walked into my room and found a letter pinned under a massive vase of flowers.

  “Welcome home, baby. The kids and I are eager to see you, but we know you might need some time to get unpacked and rest. When you're ready, please come visit us… or just me, whatever you feel like. I installed a security system for the house to make you feel a little safer at night. Something I should have done when you first got home from the hospital. Come see me when you're ready. - Jimmy”

  There was a new silver key attached to the note, as well as codes and instructions for the new alarm system. It made me smile that he had replaced his house key for me. We were slowly picking up the broken pieces of the last few weeks of our relationship. Later that night, after unpacking and showering, I contemplated on whether or not to use my shiny new key or not.

  I decided that I would, and dressed in some loose-fitting jeans, and a cute black, off-the-shoulder sweater. I did my hair in a loose fishtail braid, and added a little bit of makeup, so I guess I did end up dressing up. Jimmy and I hadn’t texted or spoken since I arrived home, so the anticipation was killing me. Once I was ready, I walked into mom’s room, kissed her forehead, and told her goodbye. I also left her a note, letting her know I was at Jimmy’s, in case she woke up and I wasn’t here. Not that I was planning on spending the night with Jimmy but… just in case.

  I got into my old SUV and headed towards Jimmy’s. I had butterflies in my stomach and my breathing was ragged. I double-checked the dash clock and realized that it was the kids’ bedtime, and he was probably putting them to sleep right now. I wanted to text him, but I also wanted to surprise him. I wasn’t sure how he would feel if I just showed up. I bit my lip as I considered what I should do, all the while slowly making my way to his street. Then I was on his street, down to two houses left before I was in front of his house. Decision made, I would just go in, and see where this put us. Better to just find out.

  Theo’s truck was gone, but the lights in the house were still on, so I knew they were at least up.

  I parked along the curb and slowly made my way up to his house, trying to brush off the last time I had done this, and had been rejected. I didn’t want to use my new key, just out of fear that it wouldn't work for some reason and I would somehow be launched back into a world where Jimmy was shut out of mine. I shut my eyes tightly and tried the door knob. It was locked. I decided, since it was early, to knock.

  I knocked three times, but no one answered. Reluctantly, I used my key, and relished the sound of the few clicks it took to unlock the door.

  The house was quiet, but there were lamps on in the living room and kitchen.

  I took my shoes off, and slowly made my way into the kitchen—it was empty. I turned around and started heading upstairs. I walked past the kids’ rooms because I didn’t want to disturb them or to confuse them at me being there so late.

  I found Jimmy’s door and stared at it. I couldn’t hear anything on the other side, so I knocked gently. I felt so weird, like an imposter, but he had told me to come and see him. Suddenly, I felt insecure and unsure, did he want me to call first? Was I invading his space? I was about to hyperventilate, when I just decided to open the damn door and figure it out. So, I did. I went in and closed the door behind me but looked around and found his room empty as well. The large bed was still made up, but his bed side light was on. As I made my way further in, I heard his shower on. Then I turned bright red and was glad no one was there to see it.

  What was I supposed to do now? Obviously, there was large part of me that cheered on my inner hussy and said walk into that bathroom and let him know that you are here in a very memorable way. The more logical side of me said, take it slow and stop being a hussy!

  I stood there for too long before I heard the shower turn off, I was hyperventilating again. He had no door separating his bathroom from his bedroom and time was running out. I decided to physically cover my eyes with my hands, like a ten-year-old, and when I knew he could hear me, I yelled, “Don’t come in here without some clothes on!”

  I heard a little chuckle from the bathroom. Glad he thought this was funny.

  I kept my hands where they were, until I heard movement and felt body heat in front of me. Then I felt hands gently touch the hand that covered my eyes and pulled to lower it. Jimmy stood in front of me, wet hair, lake green eyes, huge smile, and wearing nothing but black boxers.

  I gulped. Literally gulped. Like a virgin.

  My face flooded with heat and that only made him laugh harder. He must have felt how uncomfortable I was, because he walked over to his dresser and pulled out a pair of sweatpants and slid them on. I was mortified, not because of how he came out of the bathroom but because of my reaction to it. Why was I being so weird? Jimmy was probably wondering the same thing. Because I most definitely was not a virgin.

  I decided that I was way too embarrassed to say anything about it, because I knew that deep down, it had to do with being insecure about him actually wanting me for me, not just something physical. We had some ways to go to build back up that trust.

  I relaxed at that self-assessment and moved over to his bed, crawling onto it, then grabbed his TV remote and started flipping through channels. Jimmy walked around to the other side of the bed and crawled in until he was right next to me. We sat there next to each other, watching the beginning of a singing competition in silence. I felt like a teenager with how awkward everything was, but I didn’t want to give any part of me to Jimmy until I knew for sure that he wasn’t going to change his mind about us. After a few contestants won their challenges, Jimmy moved until he was sitting behind me, and I was resting back against his chest. We kept watching, as he bent down to kiss my forehead and then started playing with my hair.

  “How was your trip back?”

  I smiled, even though he couldn’t see me. “Good, I really liked the signs that were waiting for us, and the beautiful flowers. It made it a nice homecoming.”

  I felt a little stupid for not saying something sooner. I was so focused on surprising Jimmy tonight that I wasn’t even thinking of how his kids would feel if I didn’t say something about the signs. He squeezed my shoulders then ran his hands down my arms, which I couldn't feel because of my dumb sweater. Then he bent to the side and kissed my bare shoulder. Okay, sweater redeemed.

  He kept kissing my shoulder, all the way up the side of my neck. All I wanted to do was melt into him, to kiss him, to give into what we have both been waiting for, but I needed assurances from him before we went that far. I fought against every nerve in my body and kept myself facing forward, watching the singing competition like it was the most riveting thing in the world, but my body betrayed me. I didn’t realize I was letting out little moans until I heard Jimmy laughing behind me. He moved our bodies, until we were laying further down in the bed and I was half-covering his chest.

  Stupid betraying body.

  He scooted himself to the side until he was completely out from under me. My heart was beating so hard, I thought he might notice. I was almost positive that he could see my pulse jump in my throat. I was screaming for us to press pause in my head, but nothing came out of my mouth except for more moans. Damn it.

  He closed his eyes and gently ran his nose along the side of my neck, until he was hovering over my face. Then he kissed my lips, slowly. He caressed them like they were the most delicate thing in the world.

  I reached up and ran my fingers along the sides of his face as I pulled him in towards me, deepening the kiss. Taking that as a sign that I wanted more,
he let out a moan from the back of his throat and moved to lay on top of me, while moving his right hand up my back under my shirt. Things were escalating quickly, and I definitely needed to break this kissing fest and let him know that I wasn’t actually ready to have sex with him yet. I would stop him. In a second. I swear.

  He pulled me to his chest until we were flat, like two boards. It brought me off the bed by an inch or so and held me there, which was hot as hell. My arms went around his neck and we were kissing like it was the end of everything. His tongue was everywhere and mine was too. I was panting, he was panting; I was on fire. Never had I been this on fire for anyone before. I felt his reaction and wondered if he was feeling the same way as me.

  He moved one of his legs in between my thighs, and I was definitely going to need to speak up soon. He slowly moved his knee up, up until it was resting right in between my legs, right at my core.

  I was going to break the kiss and tell him we needed to stop. I had to with the placement of his knee and because my willpower was clearly nonexistent, but right as I was about to say something, Jimmy's door creaked opened. I heard a small voice squeak out.

  “Daddy?”

  Jimmy sat up quickly and threw a pillow over his lap. I tried to follow his lead, slowly scooting further and further from his side. Thank the Lord the TV was on, so I could pretend that I had been watching it, and no clothing was gone, except for Jimmy's shirt. But I was all clothed and really, that’s all that mattered for the moment.

  “What's wrong, buddy?” Jimmy asked, still sitting in his spot.

  Sammy hung on to the door knob, while rubbing his eyes, as he replied, “I had a bad dream about an evil, green eyed hippo that was trying to eat us while we went swimming.” Then he sniffled and started crying, “It got Jasmine.”

  He was crying, and I was holding back a laugh because it was the cutest things I'd ever seen. Jimmy, finally not worked up any longer, got up from the bed and knelt in front of Sammy, pulling him into a hug.

  Sammy cried into Jimmy’s shoulder, while Jimmy rubbed his back. After a few minutes, Sammy lifted his head and wiped his snot with the back of his hand.

  Then looked at me, finally noticing I was there. I should have snuck out when I had the chance. I stilled as he pointed at me and asked, “Can I snuggle with you and Ramsey until I feel like the bad dream won’t come back?”

  I pulled the blankets down and waved him towards me. “Come on, buddy, we were just watching this singing show, wanna help us judge?”

  Sammy jumped onto the bed, still sniffling, wearing his Lego Movie pajamas. He burrowed down into the pillows, next to me, then Jimmy turned the lamp off and got in on the other side of Sammy, and we sat there watching for a while. Jimmy slipped his arm up over the back of the pillows until his fingers found my hair, then he played with the tail of my braid. After a while, I snuggled down into the pillows, like Sammy. Before I knew it, I was drifting off to sleep, my only thought being about weapons one could use against crazy, hungry hippos.

  Sometime during the night, I moved Sammy back to his bedroom, so that he would sleep better, and so I would sleep better. It was killing me that Ramsey was so close, and yet so far away. My whole body was still aching from wanting more from her tonight, from wanting everything from her. I felt like an idiot when Sammy opened my door, how could I have not locked it? I guess, in my defense, it wasn’t like I normally had women in my bed at night that I was trying to seduce.

  If that’s what I was even doing. All I knew was that I wanted Ramsey, really fucking badly, but she seemed so hesitant. More hesitant than when we were in Jackson’s house. Another place we were interrupted from taking, maybe not the next step, but steps still the same. I feel like I’ve waited my whole life for her, to be with her in every way. Still, I couldn’t shake the feeling that Ramsey wasn’t as ready as me in that department. Maybe it was because she was back home now, and things like taking that next step would change things between us. I wanted them to change.

  Once I put Sammy back in his bed, I got back into mine and pulled Ramsey into my arms. We slept like that until my alarm went off at around six in the morning. I hated it, but I knew that she would want to go home as soon as she woke up, not wanting the kids to think badly about her. How could I even hold that against her?

  The alarm beeped, and Ramsey stirred in my arms. At that moment, I was the happiest I had ever been, except for when my kids were born. I couldn’t see Ramsey's face when we woke up at Jackson’s house, so getting to watch her face first thing, was heaven. When she wakes up, she has this tiny smile that starts in the corner of her mouth. It slowly makes its way up her face, until her eyes light up with it. It’s like a sunrise.

  I smiled at her as she registered that she had fallen asleep with me. Red flushed her cheeks and I knew she was remembering last night. I wanted to laugh because we didn’t do anything blush-worthy last night, but I definitely wanted to, and I hoped we would soon. She started to get up and before I could think better of it, I leaned in and kissed her. She relaxed against me, and smiled into my lips, then squirmed a little, which was my cue to let her go. I released her and she started to crawl out of bed. I got up with her and walked her downstairs, knowing she wanted to get out of here and get home to check on her mom. Once we were by the door, she leaned in for another kiss, which I gladly gave her, then she opened the door and left. I rubbed my chest absently, because watching her walk away was like watching a piece of my house get up and walk across the street. It felt foreign and wrong, like she belonged here, with me.

  I let out a breath and decided I better get the day started, because I only had today to prepare things for our little six-week talk and share what was in our envelopes. We obviously knew how we felt about each other, but there was still so much to make up for, I wanted to turn the night into a declaration to her.

  I went through the motions of getting ready and preparing for the day. My mind was so full of things that needed to be prepped and planned for the restaurant to close for an entire evening that I hadn’t even checked my phone until lunch.

  No new notifications felt a little strange now, like nothing had changed with Ramsey and she was still ignoring me. It stung. Pushing through it, I was about to shoot her a text, when one of our vendors came into my office with an emergency. The craziness didn't stop and before I knew it, it was past nine at night and I was barely making my way home.

  By the time I ate dinner, showered, did the kids’ laundry, made their lunches, and caught up on bills, it was nearly eleven. I checked my phone before I plugged it into the charger and saw that Ramsey still hadn't called or texted. I pushed away the fear of her pulling away and decided that in healthy relationships people didn't have to talk every single day.

  I tried to talk myself into believing that Ramsey just needed time to adjust to training for Sip N Sides and being home, but a huge part of me wanted to be that ridiculous, clingy couple that stayed on the phone all night listening to each other breathe. I crawled into bed and pulled the pillow that Ramsey slept on the night before into my chest and breathed in her scent, feeling hopeful for what tomorrow could mean for us.

  I pressed the button on my phone again, just to be sure that there weren't any new notifications. It was past eleven at night, but I was sure that Jimmy wouldn't end the day without saying anything to me, would he? I could simply text him and be done with this whole waiting thing that I've done all day, but I wouldn’t.

  Even through learning the ways of owning a bar, and going over finances for Sip N Sides, my mind was on Jimmy. We kissed and almost did more than that. We were moving forward, and it was wonderful. But because we had kissed and, in my mind,, we were together, I found myself checking my phone, waiting to hear something from him. Maybe I was spoiled after all the texts he'd sent while I was in Chicago, but not hearing anything from him felt strange.

  It was now past ten at night and I still hadn't heard anything from him. The mature side of me was saying to just text him, say
goodnight. The immature, still very insecure, part of me wondered if he had changed his mind. Or if something has happened again, and we were out of each other's worlds again. I hated that we were still tainted by those days and hours apart, those weeks spent alone. My chest constricted at the thought of Davis having power over this part of my life still, but I couldn't bear the idea of Jimmy rejecting me again. So, I turned my phone completely off and closed my eyes, praying that I got past these insecurities with him, and soon.

  The sun streaming into my window woke me after a fitful night of sleep. I knew my ticks by now, what my triggers were, and when to call Glenda.

  I curled up on the living room couch with a hot cup of coffee while powering my phone on. While I waited, I looked around at all the flowers in the house, my heart softened, and I could feel the anxiety over last night start to leave me. Once my phone came back on, I gave it a second to catch up and load any missed calls or texts. I glanced back at a vase of white hydrangeas and exhaled as I feel my expectations start to rise.

  I glanced back at my phone, and still, there’s nothing there. Pain pierced my heart, and I felt like a lost teenager. I hated how out of control my emotions were right now. I rolled my eyes at myself as I pulled up Glenda’s contact information. It was barely past seven in the morning, but I knew Glenda started early.

  A few rings later, I heard her pick up. “Hello, Dr. Stanza speaking.”

  I cleared my throat and tried to be as professional as her. I have never called her anything but Glenda, so I wasn't totally sure how to proceed. “Uh, hi, Glenda? It’s Ramsey Bennington.”

  “Ramsey! I am so glad you called, I was hoping you would check in after a few days. How are things going?”