by Ashley Munoz
I couldn’t keep the smile out of my voice. There’s just something about someone being happy to hear from you that feels good. “Really good. Mostly… I, uh… I was wondering if we could chat really quickly about something that is triggering me?”
“Of course, what’s going on?”
I could hear the concern in her voice, and I immediately cringed. I felt like Jimmy issues weren’t on the same playing field as my abduction issues, but I needed some perspective.
“It’s just my relationship with Jimmy… I thought we were on the same page, or moving forward, but after we nearly, uh… connected the night I came home, he hasn’t communicated with me.”
I rushed through it all as fast as possible, hoping not to sound as desperate and pathetic as I feel.
“I see, and his distance is triggering you? What exactly is it making you feel?” she asked delicately.
I thought for a second and wrestled with the intensity of what was going on in my chest.
“Powerless, breathless. I feel like it’s all locked up in my chest. Like somehow, what we did at his house wasn't as real to him as it was to me, and he will just disappear again.”
Thankfully, Glenda had a full rap sheet on Jimmy and all the stupid things he and I had been through, so she was all caught up.
“I see. And have you tried contacting him?”
“Uh… no. I feel like, if I do, and he doesn’t respond, then I will have another episode. I’m terrified of feeling that lost again.”
She exhaled and then softly continued, “Ramsey, you aren’t being fair to Jimmy. You two have barely reconnected. You have to remember what responsibilities he carries, remember that you haven’t been a part of his life in weeks. It will take some time adjusting, but from what you have told me, he seems genuine about his intentions.”
I thought through what she was saying for a second. She was right, of course. But what if he did push me away again? Then what? How would I recover this time?
I didn't realize that I had stayed quiet until I heard her clear her throat. “You still there, Ramsey?”
“Sorry, yes, just thinking through some things. I knew before everything, that I would have been fine without any communication, but now it just feels so heavy between us.”
“So, lighten it up. Reach out in a non-heart-threatening way. Maybe use work, or some other common ground that you have. If you are too worried to risk talking about your relationship, then start with something smaller. Don’t let this have power over you, Ramsey. You are in control.”
Just hearing it, I felt a weight being lifted. I knew she was right, and I began to actually believe it.
“Thanks Glenda. I appreciate it.”
I could hear her smile as we said our goodbyes and hung up.
I took three large breaths in and out, then I pulled up Jimmy’s contact info. Something light, and unattached to us. I could do that.
Just as I closed out the texting app and pulled up his email info instead, I heard a knock at the door. Mom was still sleeping, so I appreciated that they weren't pounding it down, but I jumped up quickly to answer just the same.
I pulled the door open and came face-to-face with Jimmy. He was wearing his motorcycle jacket, and his hair was messy. As his lake green eyes found mine, I couldn't help but feel like he was feeling the same way that I was. He had that same look in his eyes; that lost, cautious, confused look. I noticed a second later that he had a white paper bag in his hand and a coffee. I pulled the door wider, and he quietly stepped in and walked past me to the kitchen.
I stalked behind him with my arms crossed over my chest. I had on sleep shorts, a t-shirt, and a robe. Jimmy set the drink on the counter and started to open the bag, without looking at me. Then he started to softly speak.
“I was slammed yesterday up until almost midnight with stuff, sorry I didn’t get a chance to talk to you. I’m guessing that you were pretty busy too? I didn’t see anything come in from you through the day.”
Heat burned my face, and I could feel my chest aching again. He sounded as hurt as me. We were so messed up to keep doing this to each other. I hated the cycle of dysfunction that we seemed to be caught up in.
I lowered my arms, trying to come off as less distanced. “Sorry, I… honestly am still really messed up by our distance and stuff, and I didn’t know exactly where we stood… so I was just waiting to hear from you.”
I chanced a look up at his face. His eyes looked past me, down at the counter, his face twisted with frustration and that damn jaw was ticking. I hated that I made him look like that. He took a step away, and it felt like miles had just been put between us. I was doing this. Ruining us. Damaging us, again. Just like in Chicago.
Panic and fear had me stepping towards him, invading his space and gently placing my hands on his chest. He was hesitant when he looked down at me, those eyes, worried and confused. I had to fix this. I stood up on my toes and kissed him. He responded, gently, then wrapped his arms around me, and held me tight. He was like my new form of anxiety medication. His arms, a shield to ward off the fear and worry that consumed so much of my time these days. I broke the kiss and tucked my head under his chin as he continued to hold me. I didn’t know that I was crying until I heard it in my voice.
“I’m sorry. I feel so insecure where you're concerned. I feel like at any moment you will just change your mind about me, or you will just disappear.”
He was quiet, his arms still like two pillars wrapped around me in a cage of security.
I continued confessing to him, “Don’t give up on me. I will get there… it will just take some time.”
He rubbed my back in gentle strokes, then spoke up in a soft tone, “What can I do to help?”
“I think talking about our relationship, expectations, what we officially are will help,” I stated, trying to look up at him.
He continued to rub my back, then kissed my forehead. “Tonight. We will cover it all tonight. No more staying away though. Assume that I always want to hear from you. I can’t carry it all alone though, Ramsey.”
We separated, and he turned back to the bag as I absorbed his words. I felt foolish for assuming that he didn’t want me again. Felt foolish for doubting him. I knew if he did it to me, that it would drive me crazy. I nodded my head in acceptance of what he said.
He handed me a bagel, then kissed my forehead again before heading back towards the front door. I followed after him, not wanting him to go, but knowing he was busy.
I stood at the door as he headed towards his bike, but before he started it, he yelled back, “See ya tonight, babe.”
Then he winked, and my heart nearly burst open. Tonight… he would give me answers tonight, and I could finally have some peace as to where we stood and confirm exactly what we were to each other.
The day went by quickly, and I was thankful it did. I could hardly contain my excitement over seeing Jimmy again tonight. He had texted several times through the day, silly things like, “Hi, it's me, Jimmy.” I would always respond, but after an hour or two he would get obnoxious and text me again, with the same thing. Like I had forgotten who he was. I started responding with eye roll emoji faces.
I met up with Theo and we went over the contracts for me becoming the official owner of Sip N Sides. My face hurt from smiling so much, and I loved that Mom had come down with me, to see the place and to show her support. Jimmy was still a silent partner, like he always had been with his Dad, but Theo gave me the option to kick him off the contract. I chose not to; regardless of what happened between us, he was a good business partner.
Theo was also leaving the business bank account as-is. Meaning, every dime left to him from his late wife for the bar, he was leaving to me. It felt wrong, and as soon as I realized that it was happening, I fought him on it. We spent three hours arguing over it. Finally, he relented by saying that I could invest the money into other business ventures, or charity, but otherwise, it needed to stay with the business. It was any first business own
er’s dream. I decided that I would pretend the money reserve didn’t exist. It gave me a more accurate idea of how well I might do. Then I decided that I would pay Theo out of the funds, as a ‘business venture.’ I couldn’t wait to talk to Jimmy about everything, and I really wanted to get his opinion on some things before it all became official. Theo planned to stay on as manager for the next year, to help out with things. Honestly, I was relieved, it would give the customers time to adjust to me, since I knew for a fact that everyone in this town loved Theo.
It was almost time to head to Rockford to meet Jimmy. Butterflies were in my stomach all day but had only gotten worse as we got closer and closer to our meeting time. He had texted to let me know that a car would be picking me up, so I wouldn't have to drive. I appreciated that, because it would make it less awkward when we ended the evening. He texted that he was wearing a suit. So, I called Laney for advice and she told me to hussy it up as much as possible. I settled on a white, knee-length dress that hugged my body, and had little diamonds and beads knitted throughout the fabric. I paired the dress with white heels, and red lipstick. My hair, I decided that I would curl and then braid a small part off to the side. All in all, I looked beautiful and more importantly, I felt beautiful.
I checked my phone and saw the car should be there any minute, so I pulled the box from the back of my closet out and grabbed the manila envelope that Jimmy had mailed to me six weeks ago. It was still sealed and unopened. I ran my fingers along his name in the upper left-hand corner and hugged the envelope to my chest. It was finally time to open it. I had been dying of curiosity after I got the envelope in the mail. I almost mailed it to Laney to keep it for me, because I was so weak, but it got easier and easier not to open as Jimmy grew more distant.
I heard the doorbell ring and knew it was the driver. I grabbed a shawl to cover my shoulders and headed towards the front door. I kissed my mom on the cheek and told the nurse who I had secured for the evening about the dinner options in the fridge and freezer, then headed for the door.
The fifteen miles from Belvidere to Rockford went by fast. My stomach was in knots as the town car pulled up to the curb of Jimmy’s. The entire entrance was dark, as opposed to the twinkle lights that usually lit the path to the door. There was a small sign near the beginning of the parking lot that said, ‘Closed for Private Event’ in what I assumed was Jessica, or Claire's, girly, cursive writing.
I grabbed my envelope, and purse, and pushed open the door. It felt a little eerie to be out at night alone. I pushed back the residual fear that always accompanied that thought and walked towards the entrance. The town car waited until I was safely inside before pulling away.
There were a few candle lit tables that illuminated the main bar area, but otherwise everything was dark. I could see through the large glass windows in the back, that Jimmy had set everything up on the patio. I walked towards the stringed lights that hung above the beams that darted across the top of the patio. I gently opened the glass door that was slightly ajar, and heard music playing. It was something like Mumford and Sons, or Kaleo. I heard a deep, earthy voice singing in another language, and it was methodic and beautiful and set my heart racing. I still didn’t see Jimmy.
I looked around and noticed there was a table set for two, right next to one of the fire pits, which was nice because it was freezing outside. I also noticed one of the wicker loveseats was pulled in close to the fire pit with a large, fleece blanket folded over it. Everything was perfect.
From the serving doors, near the kitchen, I heard Jimmy coming. I slowly turned and saw him approaching with a tray and a bottle of wine. He was in a slate gray suit, he had on sleek black shoes, and his hair was combed to the side. He was stunning, I felt tongue-tied for a second as he got closer. He wore a huge smile, that warped into something sly and devilish as his eyes raked over my dress and lingered near my neck line, that happened to be a bit lower than I normally preferred, but I wore it tonight because I was only going to be around Jimmy.
He slowly set the tray down and the wine, and I made my way to the chair that I assumed I was to take. Before I sat down, he skirted around the table until he was in front of me. Once we were standing toe to toe, he wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me into him, then kissed me. His kiss was gentle and slow, like the music playing above us. He released me, then set his forehead against mine, and whispered, “Hi… it’s me, Jimmy.”
I laughed and slapped at his chest, he caught my wrist and laughed with me, then kissed my hand and led me to my seat.
We had Rav’s scones, and some steak sliders, along with one of my favorite salads, and stuffed mushrooms. Rav must have prepared all of this for us; it was all my favorite things that he made. I smiled as we ate and drank our wine, and we laughed about the kids’ response to us going on a date tonight. Apparently, they were more than thrilled.
Then I gushed over Sip N Sides and all the ideas that I had, and we talked about everything that Theo had told me and discussed what his plans were. Jimmy was supportive and excited for me. It felt genuine, and he made sure I knew that he was my biggest fan through this process, and I could ask him anything at all. I was all warm and relaxed, partly from the wine, but mostly from this moment. It was beyond perfect, and the knots in my stomach only grew as we neared the end of the dinner and Jimmy moved us over to the wicker loveseat by the fire. I had kicked off my shoes and brought my legs up under me, while wrapping the blanket around me. Thankfully, it was big enough that the other half rested over Jimmy’s lap, so I didn't feel totally selfish.
He sat there, smiling at me, as he held his wrinkled manila envelope. His looked like he looked at it way more than I had looked at my envelope. It actually looked like it had been opened and then resealed.
Jimmy held it in his right hand, and I noticed that his leg was jumping a bit, it made me feel better to know that I wasn't the only one nervous.
“So, here we are. Six weeks of building a foundation. Maybe wasn’t the best foundation, but at least it gave us some time to be sure of our feelings for each other,” he said, his knee still bouncing under the blanket. I gently placed my hand on his knee and smiled up at him.
“Here we are. Thank you for giving me the six weeks, Jimmy.”
His smile was sweet as he leaned in to kiss me. It was short and perfect. He pulled back just in time to start opening his envelope.
I noticed the tape that had sealed it was different than the one I had used to seal it. Don’t ask how I know that, but as an accountant, I notice things.
I placed my hand over his to stop him. “Hey… this looks opened…” I stated, a little curious.
He blushed, and I knew I had him.
“Jimmy you didn’t!” I practically yelled, forgetting how close we were. He started to laugh.
“Just hear me out, okay.” He turned so that we were facing each other a little better, then he rested his free hand on my thigh as he explained himself.
“When you went to Chicago, and you weren’t talking to me, I was in a really dark place. I was worried that you wouldn't give me another chance. So, one night, when I just needed to hear from you, I tore it open and read it. Then I pinned it to my bulletin board, so that I could read it every day.”
I blushed, because I slightly remembered what I put in the envelope but not entirely. I squeezed his hand, so he knew I wasn’t mad.
“Read it to me,” I whispered to him.
He opened the manila envelope and pulled out my journal paper, with the designs in the corner. He exhaled, then squeezed my hand as he read.
“Jimmy the Jerk and I have a very complicated connection. Not relationship, connection. I barely know him, but what I do know of him, is that he owns a successful bar that I would give anything to work at. I now know that his father was the sweet old man that gave me a job after my disastrous interview with Jimmy, I also know that Jimmy is a dad. I know this because I accidentally on purpose babysat his kids tonight. Jasmine and Sammy. They are perfect kids
. I mean it too, completely perfect. Funny, and sweet, strong and independent.
Tonight, something changed in me, and it scares me because it’s all too fast. If I’m being honest, it feels a little like fate. That sound so corny, but who would have guessed that the house I went to tonight would be Jimmy Stenson's? I have to try and stop calling him Jimmy the Jerk, because tonight he really wasn’t one. He came to apologize to me this morning and brought flowers. No one has ever given me flowers before, but I was a jerk and didn’t even let him speak.
So, when I showed up at his house to babysit his kids, I was a little shocked. But here’s the thing. I kept picturing my life in that house. I know it sounds crazy, but it felt like part of me was missing and I had finally found it in that house, with those kids, and yes, even with Jimmy.
The clincher for me, was the moment Jimmy came out onto the trampoline with us. I am pretty sure he ended his date early, but he came and watched the stars with us. It was this weird moment for me, where everything shifted. I looked over at him, and I just knew, somewhere deep in my bones, I knew. One day, I want to marry Jimmy Stenson. I want to be his wife, and I want to be a mother to his children. I want to wake up every day and make them breakfast, I want to sit around the dinner table with them, I want to sign my last name the same as theirs. I want forever with them. Even if I don’t get a forever with them, they will always have a little bit of my forever. Because this is the first time in my life that I could see it all, the whole picture. With only them. Forever. Anyone else, and everyone else, will always be held in comparison to them.”
I was fighting back tears, because I forgot how vulnerable that letter was. I couldn’t believe how forward I was being by giving him that six weeks ago. If we had to choose letters today, I would definitely not declare that I wanted to marry him. Talk about walking right into rejection and asking it to slap me in the face. I let out an audible sigh, because I could only imagine what Jimmy was thinking. That I was crazy, or clingy, or a freak. But he’d read it every day… what did that mean? I was going through all of this turmoil in front of him. I felt him shift, and then he placed his hand on my cheek, lifting my flushed face to see his. He had this twinkle in his eye as he simply said, “Now open mine.”
