by Ashley Munoz
I was so embarrassed, his was probably stating that he liked me, or wanted to take me out on a date. This was six weeks ago, after all. I started breathing hard, as the shame and concern washed over me. I wanted to run, and hide, and get out of there. The perfect moment was gone. I stopped opening the envelope and hesitated. I had to come up with some excuse to leave, right this second. He must have sensed something because he gently placed his hand over mine, and said, “Open it.”
Letting out another sigh and feeling the burn of tears threatening to fall from the edges of my eyes, I ripped open the envelope. Tears were blurring my vision, but I'm pretty sure what I saw inside was a small green firework. I pulled the mini, paper tank out and examined it. Not sure what to make of it, and with no other letter included, I looked to Jimmy for an explanation. His cheeks were red, and his eyes were glossy, but his face could have been the missing note with how expressive it was.
He was staring down at the tank, and then carefully said, “Ramsey, ever since I was little, I had heard this story from my parents about how you know you've found the one you love. They called it, the ‘glimmer.’ It was always a sweet story, that I never fully understood. Find someone that will always burn for you, not always be bright, or exaggerated in their fire. No, find someone that will burn, even when the darkness comes, find someone that will make you work to find her. To train your eyes to see her light, you’ll find that she’ll always lead you home. I always pictured the glimmer like a firework, specifically one of those tank fireworks. When I found someone, it would be like a lit tank rolling down the street, leading me home, never going out, just staying lit with a low flame rolling past, house after house. As I grew older, I thought it was load of crap, until I met you.
“Ramsey, you burned so hot inside of me from the moment we met, that all I have been able to think about is making you mine, in every way. It happened too fast, too soon, so I got scared, but I knew that night too. The night of my date, I kept comparing her to you and I barely knew you. I carried your resume in my jacket pocket because it somehow made me feel closer to you. I was crazy about you. That night you were in my house, I pictured you there permanently. It was after the pizza night that I knew for sure I wanted to do this, when I stopped talking myself out of it, telling myself I didn’t deserve you. Truth is, I’ll never deserve you, Ramsey, but I'll always love you.” His voice was starting to break, I watched his eyes as he gently closed them, then he whispered, “Now open it.”
I gently shook the tank, and sure enough, something rattled inside. I found easy-to-open tabs at the top of the paper tank and began to pull it open. I dumped whatever was inside into my open palm.
Something cold, and shiny, reflected back at me. I blinked a few times to clear the tears and gasped at the silver ring, attached to a large, single diamond. I had no words; my hand was over my mouth as I tried to discern what exactly I was holding. I finally dared to look up at Jimmy and he was kneeling in front of me. When did he move? God, the tears. They were coming so fast now. I didn’t say anything, because I was too scared to wake up, or to have some celebrity jump from behind a table shouting that it was all a prank. Jimmy gently took the ring into his hand as he finally spoke.
"You are my forever, you are my heart, you are my glimmer. You are the light leading me home, my own personal firework. Will you marry me, Ramsey?”
My heart was beating so hard, and my breath was coming in and out, too fast. He took the ring and slowly slid it onto my left ring finger as I vigorously nodded my head. Tears were clogging my throat and burning my eyes, but once the ring was on, I threw myself at him. Kissing him fiercely, dangerously. He was mine, and I was his. We were in this forever, all I knew for sure was that if he needed me to shine, then I would burn for him, for the rest of my life.
I would be his glimmer. He would be my life.
Two months later…
“Will I catch on fire if I walk down it?”
“No, stupid. Just hold my hand and walk, and stay away from the flames!”
“I don't understand why Dad has to glimmer the entire wedding. When I grow up, I'm not having a glimmer.”
“Sammy, stop it. If you keep moving, you are going to knock down those candles and catch the entire church on fire.”
I was listening to my kids whisper-fight while we did a rehearsal with real candles, trying not to laugh, I looked over at Jackson and could tell he was battling the same struggle by the hidden smirk on his face. The only person up here with us who didn't look amused was the preacher, but he'd been dragged out into a snowstorm to perform one last rehearsal at Ramsey's request, because she wanted Sammy to feel comfortable on the big day. If I didn't already ask her to marry me, I would just for doing that. I thought back to the night I'd asked her to marry me two months ago. It was the best memory I have of us; the night was beyond what I could hope for. The memory of her that night was burned as a memory I'd hold onto forever.
The way she walked over to the side entrance and turned off the lights, leaving us in darkness, save for the fire lights and few stars that were peeking out. She sauntered towards me, and like a fool, I just sat there and stared at her. The firelight made her glow, like she did that night when we danced together. I caught her eyes and saw a small smirk on her lips; they were still blood-red and ready for me to take them.
She slowly lowered herself in front of me, the music still playing softly in the background. I held my breath as she slid the sleeve of her dress down, then the other, all while watching me. She leaned forward and tugged on my tie, then pulled at my shirt buttons, her ring catching the firelight with every flick of her hand. I was sinking under the weight of her stare, of her love and devotion, and when she whispered in my ear, “Make love to me,” I was done. We clashed together, as though every moment that had separated us would pay for its treason in keeping us apart. We shattered apart, beautiful and broken, every touch of skin, every second of pleasure just a stone being set into place for us, for our future, our eternity.
Just the memory of having her lay with me, wrapped in that flannel blanket under the stars, had me ready to find my bride-to-be and tell her we needed another closed night at Jimmy's.
At first, Ramsey was hesitant about setting a date. I couldn't figure out why, but I knew with the way she kept looking off into the distance any time we talked about how many months out to take it, that it had to do with her mom. I remember the day we officially set it, so clearly.
We sat in my Tahoe, rain hitting the windows and leaves littering the ground. I had started picking her up from her house on our way to work after the night at Jimmy's. We had dropped the kids at school and sat on the side of the road on our way to Rockford. That highway so significant for us now, after everything. I had turned the car off and watched Ramsey as she trailed a raindrop down the window with her finger. She had been distant since I suggested a summer wedding, and that was after I had commented on how cool it was if we waited one year from when we got engaged. She was still kind and sweet, but distant. I was ready to get to the bottom of it.
"Is it me?" I asked, quietly.
She spun towards me, her eyes full of worry. "What?"
I searched her eyes for any sign of conflict, but all I found was genuine confusion. "Setting the date. Every time I mention it, you freeze up and get distant," I mumbled out my frustration and watched her face.
It went from confusion to concern, her eyes tilting down and her lips going thin. She was bothered by something, I just needed to figure out what. She played with a gas receipt that I had in the cup holder as she responded.
"It's not the date. I'm sorry I get distant. We could do a summer wedding. I know you mentioned that earlier, and I didn't really respond. I'm sorry." She sounded like she wanted a summer wedding, but her face and posture told me a different story. Her eyes dropped to her hands and her fingers kept tearing at the receipt, as if she was nervous. No, she didn't want a summer wedding, or a fall wedding. But I knew that she wanted to marry me
, so what was—of course!
I reached forward and gripped the back of her head, tilting it so I could kiss her the way I liked. She responded, slowly but genuine. I let her go but stayed close, our breath mingling as she waited.
" Two months. Marry me in two months, just enough time to set everything up," I told her in a brisk whisper. She gasped and gripped my shirt.
"Are you serious?" She was eager, frantic, hopeful.
I nodded and kissed her again. "Yes. Marry me in two months."
She hugged me as tears slid down her face. She started whispering into my neck. "I just want her to see me get married, and you've given me that. I just don't know if she'll be here in a year, or by summer."
She choked on her tears. How could I have been so blind? I hugged her closer and kissed her again, our lips speaking louder than any words we could share, until it turned frantic and heated. She pushed me back against the seat and began to show me exactly how grateful she was to have set a date. A date that might just be in time for her mother to be a part of.
Seeing Carla's and Dad's reactions were priceless, as were the kids. We invited Carla over for a big dinner, during which Ramsey flipped her bare, silver ring over to reveal the diamond. Carla nearly spilled all the drinks with how hard she slapped the table, then started praising the Lord in Cambodian, at least that’s what Ramsey told me.
When we revealed to everyone that we had set a date for two months, Carla started to cry. In fact, everyone was crying, even the kids. While I knew Sammy wouldn't have any issues, I wasn't sure exactly where Jasmine stood on the issue, but as soon as we gave our news, her little face brightened, and tears of joy fell down her face. Dad hugged Ramsey with tears in his eyes, which moved a big piece of my heart around. I had only seen him cry over a few things in my life.
Jackson and Laney just laughed when we had told them and asked when to show up. So here we are, the beginning of January, in the middle of a snowstorm, rehearsing our wedding. Ramsey wanted it to be intimate, just a few people from work. Ramsey picked out a small chapel that had recently been renovated. It had all new wood flooring, white pews, and stone pillars. It was beautiful. She wanted it at night and she wanted candles. She said she wanted to create a picture of what my tattoo meant; an unwavering light to guide me home. She wanted the aisle lined with candles, so they would lead her to me, and she had those stringed, twinkle lights around every pillar and around the two makeshift pillars where we would stand. Everyone called it the glimmer effect, which is why we needed extra practice with Sammy. I looked back towards the closed doors, where I knew Ramsey would emerge, and my heart rate soared.
I knew this was practice, but even as I was standing there, wearing jeans and a t-shirt, it felt real. If Ramsey would let me, I'd marry her tonight, just like this. I know she'd do it too, if not for her dream to give her mom a real wedding before she passes. I counted and waited, then our song came on, the one she'd walk to: “There Will Be Time” by Mumford and Sons. She started walking, my Dad holding her arm and leading her down the candlelit isle. Even in yoga pants, snow boots, and a t-shirt, she was stunning. I tried to clear my throat as I began to choke up. Her hair was in one of her famous braids; the candlelight making her look angelic.
If I was this sappy at the rehearsal, I'd be a mess during the real thing. I only saw her, she only saw me. I could tell she was thinking the same thing about just doing this tonight, but I'd wait. I could wait one more day, but tonight, I didn't care about rules or tradition; tonight, she was sleeping in my arms. Besides, I had a little secret I had to share with her about our honeymoon. I had arranged everything so that her Mom was taken care of, as well as the kids.
After our wedding, we would have a car take us to Chicago, where we’d stay in a gorgeous hotel by the water. Once the winter storm passed, we’d fly to Hawaii. Neither of us had ever been, and I was desperate for some time alone with her. We would be gone for two weeks. So, I told my heart to slow down and be patient. It would wait for her to become mine, but the thought of having her with me tonight was driving me crazy. I couldn’t handle seeing her like this without being near her; my heart wanted only her. My glimmer, my unwavering light.
Six months later…
Waking up to little elbows and feet shoved into my back and ribs was something I hadn’t gotten used to yet. Most nights, the kids were fine and would stay out of our room, but after Jimmy and I had gotten home from Hawaii, we found at least one of the kids in our bed by morning; on occasion, it was both. Jimmy felt bad, saying the kids never did this, but honestly, I didn’t mind. I loved it. All of it. My whole life had completely changed in a matter of months, and I loved every moment of it.
I slowly untangled Sammy’s heel from my ribs and slid out of bed, I glanced at the clock on the nightstand and saw it was only a little past six thirty in the morning on a Tuesday, the Tuesday. I let out a sigh and pulled my robe from the closet, then glanced back at my boys, who were both asleep, piled under a mound of white blankets. Jimmy’s golden hair was peeking out from the right side, and Sammy's little dark hair poked out from the top, both of them snoring. I smiled and felt my heart flutter in my chest; it had been that doing that a lot lately. I tied the robe around me and padded down the hall and peeked into Jasmine’s room. She was still asleep, covered up by her million blankets. It was warm now, with summer in full swing, but Jasmine still loved those blankets.
I continued downstairs and started a pot of coffee. I liked that Jimmy and Theo liked the older kind of pot; plus, it made getting us all coffee in the morning a lot less time-consuming. Theo was still acting manager at my bar. That felt so weird to say, but yes, my bar. Sip N Sides was doing wonderfully. I had taken it easy the last few months, getting used to married life, and becoming a mother.
Yes, a mother. I had asked Jimmy if I could adopt the kids as my own. I knew that he would always be their dad, and nothing would ever change that, but I wanted to be more than a stepmother to them. I wanted them to be mine, forever, especially if anything ever happened to Jimmy. He kissed me stupid when I asked, then got off early from work to surprise me at home, where he showed me exactly how he felt about that idea. I loved those moments; since we were both business owners, our schedules were freer than most. So, whenever we wanted a little time to ourselves without worrying about the kids or Theo, we would get off work early and meet up at home to make love.
I loved getting up before everyone else. I liked looking around the house and remembering how much I wanted this, just months ago, how much I wanted to be a permanent person in this family. Now I was, and it was everything I wanted and more.
I took out the eggs and bacon and started warming up the pans. Just as I clicked the burner over, I heard my phone ring. I smiled at the sound of my daily call. I walked over to where my phone was plugged in and swiped the screen to accept the FaceTime call. I held the phone up to show my face and saw my mother’s cheek. She hadn’t quite figured out where to hold the phone when we talked, so she always seemed to hold it to her face.
“Mom, move the phone away from your face, you FaceTimed me.” I tried not to shout at her.
“Oh, honey, where are you, how come I can’t see you?”
I rolled my eyes, thankful she couldn't see me.
“Mom, pull the phone away from your face and look at the screen!” I said, a bit louder this time.
Finally, a flash of movement, and I saw her smiling face. “Aww, there you are, sweetie. How are you doing today?” she said sweetly while smiling from ear to ear. Her purple track suit was showing, as well as her purple beanie.
“I’m doing good this morning, Mom, just starting breakfast. How are things over there? You still liking it?”
When I married Jimmy, we had planned on surprising her with our plans to add on an apartment for her above the garage, but Mom decided to give me her own surprise instead.
She sat me down and told me she was glad I had found someone, because she met someone while in the Chicago Institute. They
were both terminal, but she and Larry wanted to spend as much time together as possible. I was floored, but obviously supported her decision to go and stay in the institute, where she’d get round-the-clock care and the opportunity to be near Larry.
“Oh, everything is fine, sweetheart. Larry and I watched a movie last night. I am really enjoying my time here.”
I loved hearing that. I had felt guilty for so long being away from her, I almost cut my honeymoon short just so that I was close to her. I should have known then that something was up; she was staying at the Chicago Institute and didn’t want me to come back.
“Good, Mom, I am happy to hear that…”
“Show me your belly, young lady!” she said, cutting me off, as she did every single day. Just when I thought we might have a normal conversation. I let out an exaggerated sigh and tilted the camera down to my robe, to show her that my stomach was still flat. She was persistent, I’d give her that.
“Mom, I am not pregnant. Just like I wasn’t yesterday, and just like I won’t be tomorrow. It’s called birth control,” I stated with another roll of my eyes because I had become a fifteen-year-old again apparently.
“Oh, hogwash. You know that you would wait to tell me until you were weeks along. The only way I can be sure is to see you every day,” she said, with a little eye roll of her own.
I loved my mother, and I was so glad that I could let her see me get married before she passed away, but having a baby is where I drew the line. Jimmy and I would love to add to our lives, but not right now. I wanted to enjoy getting to know the two children I adopted as my own, and I wanted time with my new husband before adding a baby to the mix. I told my mother this, but she was convinced that Jesus was going to miraculously allow me to get pregnant just by her prayers alone.
