The Case of the Prowling Bear

by John R. Erickson

  “You. Never. Listen.”

  “That’s ridiculous. I hear even the tiniest of sounds. My ears are high-tech instruments for gathering sounds.”

  “You hear but you don’t listen. It’s true. Go ahead and admit it.”

  “I will never admit such a pack of lies.” In spite of myself, I gave his words some thought. “Drover, I’m willing to admit there might be a tiny grain of truth in what you say.”

  “More than that.”

  “All right, more than that. I admit it. Sometimes…sometimes I don’t listen. You’re right.”

  He burst out laughing. “Hee hee hee. I can’t believe you said that!”

  “Please don’t giggle when I’ve just made a confession.”

  “Sorry, I couldn’t help it.”

  “Are you happy now?” He giggled and nodded. “Good. I hope you enjoyed your little moment of triumph, because now I must place you under arrest.”

  His jaw dropped three inches. “Arrest? What did I do?”

  I rose from my spot on the floor and paced a few steps away. I could feel his gaze following me. “Drover, there’s a fine line between honesty and treason, and you have crossed it.”

  “Yeah, but…” His grin wilted into an arc of concern. “Is this a joke?”

  “I wish it were. No, it’s not a joke. For weeks I’ve been observing this little rebellious streak of yours. Now it has broken out into the open and we must act.”

  “All I said was that you don’t listen, and you even admitted I was right.”

  “I know, and the fact that it was true makes it twice as bad. On your feet, soldier. You will stand with your nose in the corner for two solid hours.”

  “Yeah, but…”

  “March!”

  “It’s not fair!”

  I gave him an escort to the northwest corner of the room and left him there with his nose in the appropriate spot. Then I returned to my place in front of the stove. He was whimpering and feeling sorry for himself. Tough toenails.

  Okay, to be honest, I felt kind of bad about it. I hate to be severe with the men, but if I don’t take a hard line, how will they learn Life’s Lessons? When I took this job as Head of the Security Division, I didn’t expect it to be easy, but I never thought…borp…

  Excuse me. I never thought I would be drinking toilet cleaner. I mean, when you mix Babbo with popcorn, you come up with a bad combination. Fortunately, I had purged my system of the nasty stuff and all that remained were a few unpleasant memories. I was ready to go back to sleep.

  I scratched around on the so-called carpet and prepared to do my Three Turns and Flop maneuver, when all at once, I noticed…well, there was a shadow on the wall. See, Slim had chunked up the stove, and now the room was illuminated by a glow of yellow light that came through the vent on the stove door. It threw an eerie shadow on the south wall.

  I had seen it earlier and had assumed that it was my own shadow, but now…I wasn’t so sure about that. I mean, the ears and nose…

  I looked closer. The image seemed bigger than before. Good grief, unless I was badly mistaken, I was looking at the shadow of a BEAR!

  Hey, I’ve never been the kind of dog that gets nervous about shadows, but this was something new and different, and scary enough to cause all the hairs on my back to stand at attention.

  I found myself drifting over to Drover’s prison cell. “Psst. Are you awake?”

  “Snork murk snicklefritz.”

  “What?”

  “Ticky tattle in the banana rodeo.”

  “You’re asleep. I can always tell. Wake up.”

  I gave him a shake and his eyes slid open. “Gummy beans in beetle jeans. Where am I?”

  “You’re in prison. I’ve come to bail you out.”

  “Oh goodie. How come?”

  “Because…Drover, I don’t want to alarm you, but let’s go right to the point. I think we have a bear inside the house.”

  His eyes popped open. “A bear! Bears live in the mountains.”

  “I agree, but remember what Slim said this morning? He said he saw a bear crossing the road.”

  “Yeah, but we decided it was a burro.”

  “I know, I know, but he mumbles his words sometimes and…what if he actually saw a bear? And what if it broke into the house?”

  Drover’s eyes grew as wide as full moons. “I wish you wouldn’t say that.”

  “Drover, moments ago, I saw a big shadow on the wall and it sure looked like a bear. Look for yourself.”

  Very slowly, he moved his head around and squinted at the wall. “I don’t see anything.”

  “Yes, well, they’re sneaky. Maybe he’s hiding somewhere. We need to post a double guard.”

  “You know, I think I’ll stay in jail.”

  “You will not stay in jail! I need your help. Follow me.” We crept out of the cell and made our way back to our sleeping quarters in front of the stove. There, we sat down. I swung my gaze around to the south wall and saw…oh no!

  “Drover, look at the south wall and tell me what you see.”

  He turned his eyes toward the wall and let out a gasp. “Oh my gosh, two of them, and they’re huge!”

  “Exactly, and now we come to the crucial question. Are they burros or bears?”

  His voice came out as a terrified squeak. “Grizzly bears! How’d they get in the house?”

  “I don’t know, but they’re here.”

  “What’ll we do?”

  My mind was racing. “Slim must be warned.”

  “Yeah, but we already woke him up once, and he threw a fit.”

  “I know, but this is a different deal. He needs to know that the house has been invaded.” I pulled myself up to my full height. “Prepare to launch Stage Three Barking, and don’t hold anything back.”

  “What if the bears come after us?”

  I laid a paw upon his shoulder. “Then we’ll go down fighting for the ranch. Ready? Commence firing!”

  Boy, you talk about some spirited barking. We let fly with everything we had, and I have to give Drover credit. He didn’t faint or hide under the coffee table or spin around in circles. He actually rallied to the cause and barked his little heart out. After thirty seconds of solid blasting, we got a response from the bedroom.

  “SHUT UP!”

  I wasn’t surprised. That’s always his first reaction to Code Threes in the middle of the night. We leaned into our work and barked louder than ever.

  Again, Slim’s voice came rolling down the hall. “If I have to get out of this bed, somebody’s neck is liable to get wrung!”

  The man wasn’t totally rational when we had to wake him up, but, in our deepest hearts, we knew we were doing it for his own good.

  At last we heard the squeak of bed springs, then the thunder of his hooves on the floor. His feet, actually. He had big feet but they weren’t exactly hooves, and here they came. BOOM, BOOM, BOOM.

  Seconds later, he stood right in front of us—stiff, disheveled, and fuming mad. “What are you morons barking at!”

  Our noses pointed toward the terrifying scene on the wall—two enormous grizzly bears.

  The moment of truth had arriven.

  Chapter Five: We Survive a Dangerous Night

  Okay, there we were. Slim turned and stared at the horrible scene on the wall. Drover and I held our breaths and waited for…I don’t know, for him to grab a gun and start shooting, I suppose.

  Hmmm. That was odd. The corners of his mouth began to curl upward and he said, “Is that what you’re barking at?”

  Well…yes, of course. Get the gun!

  He uttered a grunt that sounded a bit like a chuckle. Yes, it was a chuckle, and it grew louder, turning into laughter. He staggered over to his big easy chair and flopped down, buried his face in his hands and moaned, “All I want
to do is sleep. Is that asking too much?”

  Drover and I exchanged glances. This was very strange.

  He sat there for a moment, then uncovered his face and sat up straight. His smile dropped dead and his gaze slid around to…well, to me, it seemed. “Hank, I know it’s hard to function in the normal world when you’ve got the brain of a grasshopper.”

  I…I didn’t know how to respond to that, so I tapped my tail on the floor. Tap, tap, tap.

  He went on. “I understand, I really do, but this has got to stop.” He rose from the chair and walked over to the wall. He pointed to the bears. “These things are shadows of you and Stub Tail.” He bent at the waist and drilled me with his eyes. “You’re barking at your own shadows. Am I getting through?”

  Huh? I narrowed my eyes and studied the...okay, maybe…hey, they had sure looked like bears to me, and Drover had thought so too.

  “Quit barking at shadows. Quit barking at anything. Quit drinking out of the pot. It’s four-o-dadgum-clock in the morning and you’ve woke me up twice. If it happens one more time, I’ll become an angry, violent person. Your little tails will get kicked out that door yonder and you will spend the rest of the night in the cold, cruel world. Is there any part of this you don’t understand?”

  Gulp. Yes sir. Message received. I couldn’t make any promises about Drover, but I would be as quiet as a little mouse.

  Shaking his head and muttering under his breath, he went back to his bedroom. The storm had passed and we had survived.

  I turned to Drover and saw that he was wearing a silly grin. “What are you grinning about?”

  “We were barking at our own shadows. That’s pretty funny.”

  “It’s not funny at all.”

  “That’s what I meant.”

  “The fact is, our sensing equipment gave us faulty information. We went into combat with a bogus report.”

  “Yeah, I sure got fooled.” His grin vanished and he looked around with wide eyes. “Do you reckon it could happen again?”

  “Oh no, not in a thousand years.” There was a moment of silence. “Why do you ask?”

  I noticed that he was doing something odd with his eyes, rolling them around and directing his gaze toward the…yipes…toward the south wall and two creepy, shadowy images.

  I felt the hair rising on the back of my neck. “Drover, don’t start this again. We don’t have bears on this ranch.”

  “Yeah, but what about monsters?”

  I swallowed hard and tried to conceal the quiver in my voice. “We do have monsters, hundreds of them. What are you suggesting?”

  “I’m not sure. If we bark again, Slim’ll throw us out of the house.”

  “Exactly, but if we don’t bark…Drover, some of those monsters eat dogs.”

  “Yeah, I know. I’m getting a real bad feeling about this. Maybe we ought to hide.”

  My gaze swept the room, looking for a monster-proof bunker. “Yes, but where?”

  “Under Slim’s bed.”

  His words echoed through the corregidors of my mind, and just for a second, I had an uneasy thought: wasn’t there some reason why we might not want to hide under the bed? Maybe so, but I couldn’t think of it. You know how it is when you’re under tremendous pressure.

  “Under the bed, great idea. Quick, to the bunker!”

  We went ripping down the hall and wiggled ourselves beneath the bed. Only then were we able to relax. I heard Drover’s voice in the darkness. “We made it! We’re safe.”

  “Yes, and I don’t think the monsters followed us. Nice work, son. Now let’s try to get some sleep.” I took a big yawn, then…

  “Hank?”

  “What?”

  “It stinks under here. And there’s something wet.”

  “Wet?”

  “Yeah, we’re lying in it.”

  I sat up and noticed…huh?

  Anyway, Drover and I talked it over and decided that…well, Slim wouldn’t mind having two warm dogs in bed with him, and we felt that we would be happier too. It gets cold under those beds, don’t you know, and you sure have to watch out for spiders.

  That was the main thing. We were concerned about spiders. No kidding.

  We were able to enter the bed without arousing Slim. That wasn’t an accident. In the first place, he had fallen into a deep snoring sleep, but also we followed our Bed Entry Procedures to the letter: front paws on the bed, pull upward, back paws on the bed, and lie down at the feet of the host.

  We had a few tense moments when our host began talking in his sleep, but after a while, he quit and the operation turned out to be a huge success. Not only did we provide warmth and comfort to Slim’s feet, but we slept better, knowing that we were safe from spiders. And from monsters and bears.

  Anyway, we got a good night’s sleep. About thirty minutes before daylight, we awoke and initiated the second phase of the procedure: Leave the Bed.

  It’s very important that we do the second phase, don’t you see, because if we don’t leave the bed in a stealthy manner…well, we get caught, and let’s be honest. Our people don’t necessarily rejoice when they find dogs in bed with them. Hencely, we’ve found that everyone is happier if we vanish before daylight.

  On paws that made not a sound, we oozed ourselves off the bed and tiptoed back to the living room. By the time Slim came down the hall and greeted the day, we were curled up in front of the stove, two of the nicest, best-behavedest little doggies Texas had ever produced.

  When Slim entered the living room, I sat up straight and gave him a bright Good Morning smile. He grunted something about “dogs barking all night,” and went into the kitchen to start his coffee.

  Whew. We had made it through another dark and dangerous night, and you know what? Slim never figured out what was causing that odd smell in his bedroom. Heh. He thought it came from his boots.

  Well, after Slim drank his morning coffee, we loaded up in the pickup and prepared for another work day on the ranch. When we pulled into headquarters, we found Loper in front of the gas tanks, filling Sally May’s car with gasoline. That seemed odd, because Loper rarely drove the car.

  Odder still was the set of clothes he wore—not his usual jeans and a work shirt, but some strange costume with matching pants and jacket made of bright colored material. On his head, he wore a red knitted cap with a little puff of yarn on the top.

  Slim looked him up and down. “Good honk, did you run out of clothes?”

  “I don’t want to hear about it.”

  “What is that?”

  Loper forked him with a hostile glare. “It’s a ski outfit. My wife bought it when I was looking the other way, and it wasn’t cheap.”

  “It should have been. I wouldn’t even wear it on a dark night.”

  “Well, you have no taste in fashion. And you have no wife. If you ever get one, you’ll spend the first six months eating your own words. I’ll be glad to furnish the salt and pepper.”

  A nasty little smirk slithered across Slim’s mouth. “Does this mean you’re fixing to go on a ski trip?”

  “What do you think? A group from the church is going to Glorieta. I fought it for three months.” He glanced at his watch. “We should have left thirty minutes ago.”

  “You’ll have a great time, I know you will.”

  “I will NOT have a great time. I’ll spend every minute thinking about my banker.”

  “Is he going?”

  “No, he’s too cheap. He’ll be sitting in his office, looking at my loan papers.”

  “Oh, good. A man wouldn’t want his banker to see him wearing…” Slim snorted a laugh and turned away. “…that.”

  Loper’s face had turned a dangerous shade of red. “You go right ahead and laugh all you want, mister. We’ll be gone three days and you’ll have the whole ranch to take care of, and the weather report
says a big cold front is heading this way.”

  “I can handle it.”

  “You’ll have to chop ice on all the stock tanks.”

  “I can handle it.”

  “Make sure the plumbing doesn’t freeze in your house. Throw out some grain for the wild turkeys. Give the cattle plenty of feed, but not too much. That feed’s gotten higher than a cat’s back.”

  Slim gave his head a shake. “Give the cattle plenty of feed, but not too much. That’s about as clear as mud.”

  “Well, maybe you can figure it out. The main thing is, try not to do anything stupid while I’m gone. Any questions?”

  Slim slouched against the side of the car. “Are you actually going to get on skis? Last time I checked, you had trouble walking on your own feet.”

  “They give lessons. I’ll do whatever I have to do to keep the peace.”

  “Well, you look real cute, and you’ll look even cuter on crutches.” Slim chuckled at his own humor. Loper remained stone-faced. “Oh, quit being such a grouch. You might as well try to act human for a few days. You might even surprise yourself and have fun. I know you’re against fun, but you ought to try it.”

  Loper gazed off into the distance and shook his head. “You just blow like the wind. What do you know about fun?”

  “Well, I’ve read about it in the magazines, and one of these days, I’m going to try it myself.”

  “Bachelors. Your life is so simple. Well, like it or not, I’m going to the slopes with a wife and two kids. When we leave, walk through the house and make sure everything’s turned off and okay.”

  Loper had forgotten about his main job, filling the gas tank, and you’ll never guess what happened next. Keep reading.

  Chapter Six: I Trick the Cat, Hee Hee

  Here’s what happened. The tank filled up and gasoline splashed out on Loper’s hand. Slim said, “Tank’s full.”

  “Thanks.” He hung the nozzle on a loop of baling wire and looked at his hand, which had been pretty thoroughly splattered. He glanced around. “Here, dogs. Hank, come here!”

  Huh?