Heroin Love

by Hunter, I. M.

  Looking at her as if she didn’t remember me, “Rachael Barrick.”

  Grabbing her dose from the cabinet behind her, “Drink up.”

  Rachael tosses it back, letting out a sigh of relief, placing the cup back on the counter.

  “Alright, come on. I have to get to work.”

  Driving Rachael home something seemed a little off. She wasn’t waking up, her head nodding, staring out of the window with a vacant stare. Lowering the seat down into a flat position trying to go back to sleep.

  “Hey, are you alright?”

  I see her mouth moving as she try to make her speech audible.

  “Hey!” Giving her a blunt hit to her thigh.

  “I’m fine, just tired,” she barely stated.

  “Is the medicine working?”

  “It’s fucking early Kevin, I’m just tired,” saying with a slight irritation in her voice.

  “Okay, sorry.”

  Pulling into the house, Rachael was completely knocked out. A complete three-sixty from what has happened the last couple of days. Grabbing her motionless body out of the passenger seat, carrying her across my arms into the house. Resting her head down on the pillow, covering her with the flat sheet on the bed. I grabbed some paper and a pen out of the nightstand to leave her a message.

  ‘Have a productive day, you have a lot to do. If you need something give me a call. Love you always.’

  Giving her a kiss on the forehead, leaving her sound asleep snoring.

  Walking into Onyx Environmental, a tense feeling filled the air, Ann locked eyes with me, “You look rather happy today.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “There is a different pep in your step, a glint in your eye. Like everything in the world is okay.”

  “I had a pretty good night,” smiling at her.

  “Well I hate to be the bearer of bad news then,” she stated hesitantly.

  “Nothing can ruin my mood today Ann, just tell me.”

  “Well, there has been a lot of grumbling in the office. Everyone is getting a little nervous about some things they’ve over heard, the people coming in and out of here. You flipping out at the Christmas party.”

  “Okay...What are you trying to tell me?” Looking at her with calmed eyes.

  “Maybe we should have a meeting, you could calm everybody’s nerves.”

  “Okay, fine. Set it up for tomorrow afternoon after work, order some food, drinks, and send out the memo.” Starting to walk away, going towards me office.

  “Mr. Barrick,” grabbing my attention again, walking towards me. “Here, take this back. I don’t feel comfortable accepting this. I didn’t even open it,” handing the black envelope back to me.

  “Ann, keep it. You deserve it. I will not accept it back.”

  “Mr. Barrick...”

  “Enough,” cutting her off sternly. “Don’t insult me please, just keep it.” I walked away from her, turning the corner to the hallway.

  “Mr. Carlson called,” Ann echoed down the hallway stopping me dead in my tracks.

  Without turning around, “And what did he say?”

  “I’m sorry for my negligence but I wasn’t aware of a meeting you have tomorrow. He called to confirm your meeting tomorrow at one. Should I tell him your available?”

  “I’ll take care of it Ann, thank you.”

  My office carried a baleful feeling as I walked in. The sheltered sun barely illuminating the space. A stack of neglected papers lingered on my desk awaiting my approval. Sitting down at my desk, with no desire to work, I stared at the clock listening to the hushed sways of the pendulum. Grabbing for my phone I texted Rachael.

  Kevin: Hey, you up yet?

  Watching the phone for several minutes, there was no response.

  Kevin: I guess not

  My phone buzzed in my hands.

  Megan: That’s it? Your just going to disappear.

  Kevin: What are you talking about? You kicked me out of the house, what do you expect?

  Megan: We NEED to talk.

  Rachael: Hey honey, hows your day going?

  Kevin: It’s good, how are you feeling?

  Rachael: Not too good. I think it was a bad dose.

  Megan: Hello?????????

  Kevin: What do you mean bad batch?

  Kevin: I am at work you know. Want to meet tomorrow for lunch?

  Rachael: It didn’t taste right and doesn’t seem to be working.

  Kevin: Okay, I’ll call the doctor.

  Megan: Fine. Where are we going?

  Kevin: Sushi?

  Megan: Would of never guessed.

  Kevin: Love you.

  Megan: I’m starting to think not.

  Rachael: Thanks babe, mwah.

  Kevin: See you later.

  My head spinning from the conflicting conversations, Megan still wanted to talk to me, not really sure why. She is an amazing women to still want to talk to me after all I put her through, still putting her through. Now Rachael’s medication isn’t working, have to deal with that headache. Dialing the doctor’s office on my desk phone, the phone rang briefly, and I hear the familiar voice of the nurse at the front counter.

  “Hello?” She answered unprofessionally.

  “I get medication there for my wife, it doesn’t seem to be helping her today. What can we do?”

  She responds with a cringe worthy “Name?”

  “Barrick.”

  “Well it shows here you just started treatment. You may need an adjustment in treatment. You are going to have to talk to the doctor.”

  “Okay, when can we do that?”

  “The doctor is gone for the day, you will have to come by tomorrow morning to speak to him,” she stated matter of factly.

  “What am I suppose to do in the mean time? She is not feeling well.”

  “There isn’t anything I can do for you.”

  “What do you mean NOTHING, there has to be something,” starting to get irritated at the nurse.

  “Sir, you will have to wait for the doctor.”

  “Go fuck yourself,” slamming the phone down into the receiver breaking the handle of the phone. I had to share the news with Rachael.

  Kevin: Hey, we can’t do anything tomorrow.

  Rachael: What do you mean? I need something, I am getting sick.

  Kevin: Just relax, I’ll be home as soon as I can. Love you.

  “Mr. Barrick,” Ann screeched over the speaker.

  I flinch in my chair, “Jesus Ann, scare the shit out of me why don’t you.”

  “Sorry sir. Your son is in the lobby. He says he has something for you.”

  “Let him back,” rolling my eyes in disbelief.

  What could be wrong now?

  I see the door of the office crack open, Benjamin poked his head in.

  “Dad, you busy?” He asks with caution.

  “No not at all. Come in please,” getting up from my chair, adjusting my clothes slightly. Walking up to him, giving him a hug and much to my surprise he reciprocated.

  “How’s the car?” I asked curiously.

  “It’s great but I really need to talk to you about Mom,” his face lacking emotion. “She really wants you to come home, she misses you. We miss you.”

  My eyes lit up when he said that, “I know, I am working on it Ben. I miss you guys too. I am just caught in the middle of a lot of things right now. I’m going to talk to Mom tomorrow, going to try and work some things out. One day you will understand, actually I hope you never understand.”

  “Don’t treat me like a child,” seeing the sadness in his eyes. “Mom wasn’t fucking you good enough so you..”

  “Don’t talk to me like that,” I snapped at him.

  “I know what’s going on, you had your fun, you fucked your whore...”

  “Hey!” Snapping at him again.

  “Look, all I am trying to say is come home. You had your fun, now just come back. We need you, we want you,” sitting down on the couch.

  “I apprecia
te that Ben but there is a lot more to it than sex.”

  “You remember when,” Ben completely changing subjects, “I use to drive around with you all summer to go to work with. We use to joke and talk about the dumbest things in-between stops. For lunch we always stopped at the gas station over on Lawrence for a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich.”

  “Yeah, those were the best weren’t they?”

  “Yeah, they were. I’d follow you around your clients’ houses and we would time ourselves to see how fast we could get every job done. At the end of the summer you would take me to the store and let me pick out a few things, anything I wanted. Whatever happen to that guy?” I see Benjamin’s eye start to tear up. “The things don’t matter to me. You can take the car back, the boat, the house, I just would like one more summer with my Dad, the one I remember,” standing up, heading towards the door.

  I was speechless, Benjamin was pouring his heart out, making me feel like shit. Regret consumed me, but confusion quickly filled my head with questions.

  If they really felt this way, why didn’t they show it? Maybe they finally realized what they took for granted? Or maybe there was a problem with the Kevin-Schematics, and I have just been ignoring them.

  “I have to go,” Benjamin muttered as he opened the door to let himself out.

  I stood at the door, waiting for him to get a minute head-start on me. Quickly following in his footsteps, I couldn’t stay here, I was too emotionally drained.

  Passing by Ann in the lobby, “I have to go. I got some things to take care of.”

  “Okay, are we still doing the meeting?” Ann asks.

  “Of course, but don’t call it a meeting. Call it a gathering, non-formal.”

  “Yes sir, have a good day.”

  Racing home to check on Rachael, I burst through the door, nothing is moved from it’s place. The entire home is quiet, you could hear a pin drop. Going back to the bedroom, I find Rachael, still knocked unconscious, but notice someone else in the bed next to her. Not being able to make out who it is, I creep to the other side of the bed. Pulling the sheets away to reveal an unfamiliar face. Filling with rage, I rip the sheets off of him, to find out he was wearing one of my suits. Giving him a shove on the arm, he remained unresponsive. Firmly smacking his face but it still didn’t phase him.

  Running to the bathroom in a fit of anger, grabbing a glass and filling it with water. Tossing the water on his face, waking him up quickly. He looked around confused as if he didn’t know where he was.

  “Who the fuck are you?” I ask lividly. He looked at me dumbfounded and didn’t offer a response. “Who are you?” Asking him again in a slow manner. “Why are you in my house, wearing my clothes, and laying in my bed with my fucking girlfriend?” His eyes glazed over, still not responding. “Okay, just get the fuck out, and keep the suit.” I pulled him out of the bed, and was about to throw him out of the room through the slider before I noticed the used needle laying in the bed next to him. “You come here, get high, shoot my girlfriend up, and don’t expect me to be aggravated?” Talking to him as if he really gave a shit what I was saying. “You deserve every bit of this.”

  Cocking my arm back, unleashing a powerful punch square to his jaw. Forcing him out of my hand, his limp body just falling to the floor. Kicking him sharply in the rib cage, still not rendering a response.

  “Your lucky you still have pants on or else I’d kill you.” Picking him up off of the floor and tossing him onto the back patio, locking the door behind me. Picking up the used needle, tossing it in the wastebasket in the bathroom before waking up Rachael. Looking at her beauty as she rested, she appeared to be so peaceful, like she was dreaming of her perfect world. Sheets still covering the rest of her body.

  Not wanting to peel the sheets back, afraid as what I would find.

  Did she shoot up again? Was she laying her naked with this guy? Only god knows what really went on her.

  I slowly pull the sheets back, revealing her shoulders, a slight sense of relief rushed over me as I see a shirt. Hesitantly pulling the sheet down further, stopping just before the creases in her arms, not wanting to continue.

  Maybe it will be better off if I didn’t even look. Let her sleep and wake up tomorrow as if nothing has happened. No, I need to help her, I need to make sure she is okay.

  Moving the sheet back, I hung my head is disappointment as I stared at her wounded arms.

  “What are you doing to yourself?” I whispered to deaf ears as I covered her back up.

  The thought of another man, a drug infested grimy man, in my bed made my inner OCD twitch. Removing the sheets from Rachael, covering her with a brand new baby blue silk sheet from the closet, I wrapped it around her tightly as I carried her over to the couch. Going into the kitchen to grab my cleaning supplies.

  Ripping the sheets off of the bed, tossing them out of the door onto the mysterious man that was still knocked out on the back patio. Sprinkling a mixture of baking powder and Lavender Essential Oils over the top of the mattress to suck out the moisture and smell. Moving all the furniture to the center of the room, cleaning the immediate floor and baseboards with water-down bleach on my hands and knees. Moving everything back to their respective places, cleaning the main area of the floor.

  Grabbing the vacuum out of the closet, slowly sucking up the baking soda that rested on top of the mattresses. Every swipe of the wand extension releasing a stimulating fragrance of lavender. Replacing the sheets with a baby blue spare set from the closet. Standing back looking into the room, the floor still damp, reflecting in the light shining through the windows. A sense of satisfaction filled me while I stared blankly into the cleaned room.

  Lost, not knowing what to do. I needed to find more ways to help her. She obviously couldn’t just cut her old friends out of her life. I did the only thing I could, heading out of the bedroom, the man still knocked out cold on my back patio, I hopped onto the computer to start doing some research.

  I inputed a search ‘heroin relapse’ to try and find some options for us. The results were plentiful, clicking on the first result in the list, I found a gold mine.

  ‘First of all, relapse happens. If you or someone you know has relapsed with heroin or any other drug know that relapses do occur and they are common. Very few people can achieve long-term abstinence cold turkey on the first try alone. Sometimes it does take a few tries to succeed. Heroin, especially, is a difficult drug to quit, its effects on the brain and body are incredibly strong.’

  First making it seem like an even harder uphill battle with a very discouraging opening dialogue. Causing me to start losing hope.

  ‘Know your triggers. Learn to identify situations, things, people, and emotions that cause you feel the urge to use. Does alcohol make you want to use? When you feel depressed, angry, or sad, do you feel like using more than when you are happy or excited?’

  Rachael did always seem to have less of an urge when she was around me. We were always having a good time, having sex, laughing, and talking. When I left her alone is when she would usually fall off the rails. The methadone was stopping her from getting sick, and everything else fell into place just fine. It is all the scum bag friends of hers that consume her life. The next paragraph reassured me of my thinking.

  ‘Cut ties with negative influences. Sometimes friends can be great allies in getting sober but other times, they can be our worst enemies. In your quest to abstain from heroin, are you still hanging out with friends who use or try to convince you to use? The less negative influences around, the better your chances for success.’

  The answer was pretty simple, have to stop her from seeing all of her old friends. Help her make new friends, maybe in the neighborhood. Maybe give her a hobby to do. The pregnancy I hoped would of snapped her out of this addiction, so far it has yet to effect her anyway.

  ‘Try group meetings. Group support sessions can be a great way to feel camaraderie during this hard time. You may feel lost or alone, but these groups and the people
you’ll meet at them can help you to overcome your addiction and prevent relapse.'

  This just seemed ridiculous to me, why would anyone want to sit in a room and hear everyone else’s problems. I have enough of my own issues, now I you want me to go sit in a circle and here everyone else’s, what the fuck. I don’t see how that could be productive at all, maybe even counter-productive. I can only imagine how many of them talk about where to get drugs, what new drugs they are trying. Just like the girls at the rehab center, how stupid.

  Calling the security department for the neighborhood.

  “Sand Dollar Security, how can I help you?” He answer with authority.

  “This is Kevin Barrick, I need you to restrict all access for my home. Don’t allow anyone into the neighborhood unless you call me specifically,” dictating very sternly.

  “Yes sir. I will add it to our system.”

  “Not even if Rachael Barrick says it is okay. Do you understand?”

  “Crystal clear sir.”

  “There is also a man sleeping on my back patio, can you come and remove him from the property?”

  “Yes sir, we will be there shortly.”

  “Thanks, have a good day.”

  Hanging up with the security guard, one problem should be solved. The only thing left to do is to sit and wait for tomorrow.

  A knocked echoed through the house, assuming it was the security I hopped off my chair, walking briskly towards the door.

  “He’s on the back patio,” opening the door, discovering Ben standing on the stoop. His face soaked in tears, eyes as red as blood. The rumble from the Porsche engine still audible.

  “How did you find....how did you get in.....what are you doing here?” Stuttering while I stepped out onto the stoop, closing the door behind me.

  “I followed you here,” looking down at the floor, “I want to meet her. I want to meet the women you can’t stay away from, the one that’s better than Mom.”

  Wrapping my arm around him, moving him back towards his car at the end of the driveway, “Now isn’t really a good time and I never said she was better than your mother.” Trying to deflect the conversation, “Why don’t you tell me about you and Autumn, is everything going well?”

  “Dad you know you don’t really care what is going..,”