Sam's Theory

by Sarah Mendivel

  I noticed that Theory was sitting quietly and unobtrusively under a self-made sky of stars, waiting for a decision. My eyes darted upward to look over the green star once more. It seemed pretty harmless just floating there. How bad could this actually be?

  As if bitten by a bug of impulse, I sat up and committed to courage. “Okay. Let’s try it.”

  Half expecting Theory to jump with joy over convincing me to try star tracking, she instead raised her hand and pushed our green light into a rhythmic trace that went from left to right, again and again.

  Back and forth, back and forth it went. My eyes began to naturally follow it as the rest of our galaxy slowly disappeared into darkness.

  “Sam, are you ready to tell your story?” Theory asked protectively.

  I followed the star with my eyes, entranced by its movement. “Yes, I think so.”

  “Good, because it seems to be ready to come out finally. Whether you are or not.”

  Confused by what she meant, I brushed off her words and walked closer to the star as it swung to the edges of my vision.

  Left, right, left, right.

  CHAPTER NINE

  The room is dark. The galaxy has disappeared and all I can see is a single green star floating quickly from left to right, left to right.

  Suddenly a dim light flickers in front of me, the way a bulb sparks right before it dies.

  Left to right, left to right.

  The light steadies and takes shape between Theory and me.

  Left, right, left, right.

  The light begins to softly form into a life-size hologram of a room.

  Left, right, left, right.

  “Where are we?” Theory asks gently.

  I continue to fix my vision on the light, allowing the hologram to sharpen. “I think it’s my room, from when I was a kid.”

  “Good,” Theory affirmed. “Keep your eyes on the star and remember that I am here with you. All of this is just a memory playing itself out in front of us. Nothing is in physical form anymore. Nothing can hurt you.”

  My heart began to race. “Okay.”

  Left, right, left, right went the green star.

  The hologram room materialized into clearer dimensions and I was able to make out the ocean mural on my old wall. The carpet was brown and I could see the silhouette of a tree in the backyard.

  Left, right, left, right.

  Suddenly two little girls flickered into the picture. The youngest was about two years old and was happily running around in footy pajamas. The other girl was several years older than her, maybe six or seven.

  Left, right, left, right.

  Okay, now we need to count to ten before we jump up and catch the flying fish so that they can’t get into the pond again! said one of the girls, explaining the rules of the game they were playing.

  Both shared the same messy morning ponytail and eye color. They clapped their hands, laughing loudly, gleefully anticipating the famed arrival of the flying fish.

  Left, right, left, right.

  “Well hello, little ones,” interrupted Theory. “Who are these cuties?”

  I couldn’t answer her.

  For some reason, this happy memory scared me, but I couldn’t figure out why yet.

  Theory sensed my hesitation and reminded me. “Everything’s okay, Sam. This is just a memory.”

  Left, right, left, right.

  The hologram grew brighter and the kids continued to play.

  My heart beat faster.

  Something wasn’t right. This can’t be all of it.

  Left, right, left, right.

  Okay, I’m going to count now! Get ready for the flying fish! said the older one as the younger squealed with excitement.

  Left, right, left, right.

  Ten, nine, eight counted the eldest in her proud kid voice.

  Left, right, left, right.

  Seven, six, fiiiiiiive….

  Left, right, left, right.

  GIRLS?!

  Suddenly a deep, angry voice echoed from outside of the hologram and ricocheted through all of us. The girls froze in fear and crouched down in unison.

  My heart jumped into my throat and I instantly realized what this was.

  Left, right, left, right.

  Girls, where the hell are you?! boomed the voice.

  Left, right, left, right.

  “Sam, remember that you are here with me,” tried Theory. But her voice was being drowned out by the big, loud, angrier one. She disappeared into the background and suddenly I was locked in the room with the girls.

  Left, right, left, right.

  WOOSH! The hologram door burst open and a towering male figure with a bushy mustache and hard stare stood over the kids. Do you have any idea how much noise you’re making?! The younger girl bent down, placing her hands over her head. The oldest, clearly terrified, stood in front of the youngest, trying to protect her. Her voice shook as she spoke, Dad, I’m sorry. We were just playing and didn’t mean to wake you up.

  Left, right, left, right.

  My heart pounded so hard I thought I was going to pass out.

  I knew what all of this meant.

  It was Him.

  And the oldest kid was me.

  Little me.

  And the youngest girl-

  Left, right, left, right.

  Smack! With a hand bigger than little-me’s entire face, He hit her to the ground. The youngest girl screamed as little-me began crying and wiping the blood from her nose.

  Left, right, left, right.

  “No!” I yelled, desperate to make it stop. I leapt into the hologram, charging for Him, but the light didn’t hold me and I crashed into Theory’s chair.

  “Sam! Stop,” Theory yelled while pushing me away from the hologram.

  “No, no! He’s going to hurt them!” I screamed, panicking to regain my footing before He could angrily tear off little-me’s pajamas. I could see him undoing His belt behind Theory. I sat up and yelled at the smallest girl. “Nova, run!”

  I remember exactly what happened next and couldn’t let it happen again.

  “Sam,” Theory said assertively. “We’re done.” With a single swipe of her hand, the green star, hologram, and horrible fate of a childhood I tried to forget had all disappeared. The room glowed back into life and I sat on the ground trying to catch my breath.

  I looked around at the empty library, temporarily confused, realizing it had all been just a memory. Unable to process what had just happened, I fell to my knees and started to cry.

  I cried for the horrendous things that I knew came after that hologram moment. I cried for being too small to stop Him back then. I cried for not being able to stop Him from trying to hurt me now. I cried for how terrified He made me, still.

  As I grieved for the losses that came with this memory, I felt Theory’s hand rest carefully on my shoulder. “I am sorry that was so difficult, Sam. We may have started too quickly.”

  I wiped the tears from my face and matched her sullen gaze. “I thought I could stop Him this time.”

  Theory met me with compassion. “I know, kiddo. And you can. When you’re ready I’ll show you how. Until then, you were incredibly brave today and I am very impressed by how strong you were.”

  Soothed by her encouragement, I felt my body start to calm. “Thank you.”

  “Are you okay?” she asked.

  “Yeah, I just wasn’t expecting the memory to be so clear. I have to get used to it. Maybe we can try again later,” I suggested, realizing how exhausted I felt.

  “We definitely can, just not for a couple of days. Let’s let your brain and body rest a bit.”

  I smiled, glad that she was being so understanding. “Okay, thanks.”

  Theory motioned for me to stand up. “Come. Let’s have something to eat and see what the squirrels are up to. Perhaps they’ve finally settled on a nut to share.”

  I smiled, feeling slightly reenergized. “Okay.”

  I stood up, straightening my h
oodie and processing the roller coaster of realities I had just zipped through. It was all too much to understand right now, so I decided to take Theory’s advice and just let it be.

  “Hey, Sam?” paused Theory, turning to look at me.

  “Yeah?”

  “I’m proud of you,” she said, her eyes sparkling in the light.

  It was the first time anyone had said that to me, and she made it feel real. I held back my tears, grateful to feel seen, finally.

  “Thank you,” I said.

  “Look at everything you have survived up until now as evidence that you can survive this, too.”

  -Theory

  CHAPTER TEN

  After tossing and turning in bed for half an hour, fighting the urge to sleep all day, I let out a huge sigh and forced myself off my mattress. I got dressed quickly, knowing that if I slowed down at all, I would get distracted and end up in bed again.

  Climbing downstairs and waltzing into the kitchen, I was pleased to find a piece of peanut butter toast and orange juice on the table waiting for me. Flattered that Theory always seemed to think of me, even when I wasn’t around, I sat down from across her quietly and shyly smiled good morning.

  Without missing a beat, Theory cracked through my walls by offering conversation. “Well, hello there. Did you sleep okay?”

  I shrugged, not wanting to admit how restless I was feeling from having been cooped up inside for too long.

  “Hm, well, it’s finally nice outside today. You should go exploring,” she said, reading my mind.

  I bit into my toast to avoid smiling too large, then looked out the window. A rush of anticipation washed over me and my mind began to race thinking about what secret hiding places and adventures I might find out there.

  I then wondered what else, or who else, I might run into. Had He been wandering through the forest looking for me since the day I ran away? Had rez called a search team to come looking for me at all? I hadn’t heard or seen any helicopters or signs of people wondering where I was. It had been pretty quiet and isolated up here in Theory’s tree house.

  I then thought of my climb up the mountain to get here; how tired and beaten up I had been. I had climbed for days without direction and still didn’t know where I was. On second thought, maybe it wasn’t a good idea to go exploring on my own, after all.

  As if sensing my hesitation, Theory interjected. “You know, you don’t have to worry about getting lost or anyone else finding us. We are well hidden from the outside world here and safe to do what we please. In fact, there is a mountain ridge on one side of us and a river on the other. If you stay in between both of those dividers, you will be safe.”

  Hearing her classify something as “safe” at this point almost made it a sure bet that it was. She caught my gaze and forced an answer out of me by raising her eyebrows. I grew bashful and hid behind my toast. “Yeah, okay! I’ll go for a walk after we eat.”

  Theory smiled, shook her head. “Mm hm.”

  As I finished eating, I mentally scanned the maps hanging in the library and wondered if either the mountain ridge or the river Theory had mentioned would lead me to Lake Isabel. I also wondered if the sunshine that boasted through the kitchen windows meant that we were closer to spring. Spring still meant that I might see Dodger again.

  Suddenly motivated by the idea of connecting with my favorite friend soon, I rushed to gather my shoes and jogged toward the front door. “Okay, Theory, I’m leaving!”

  “Okay, kiddo! Have fun and be safe,” called a loving voice from the back of the house.

  I waved goodbye to Theory and left her sitting in the kitchen as I made my way out of the house. The second I opened the door, I was enchanted by how warm the air was. A splinter of gratitude pierced my heart at the opportunity to finally go outside again.

  Walking toward the edge of the deck, I instantly became wary of the last time I was running around on the ground below. I checked under the porch to make sure it was clear of danger. I remembered the growl that originally made me climb up this very tree, and then the stranger who lived in it, who was subsequently turning into a safe person. After a few moments of scanning the bushes and remembering Theory’s words of reassurance, I decided it was safe enough to chance a descent down the tree. I made my way to the bottom, imagining Theory probably thumbing through a book somewhere in the branches above me.

  The light ricocheted off the branches and bark around me, illuminating an umbrella of leaves like tiny, green x-ray films. Specks of itty bitty insects floated in and out of the sun, coasting on the air like confetti.

  Small coils of steam rose from a patch of ground that the sun was slowly roasting over. The soil was cool and wet, but the sky above it boasted a harmonious bright blue. I stood sandwiched in-between the layers of nature, wondering what could be more beautiful than this moment.

  Excited to find out, I unzipped my hoodie a bit to let the breeze meet me. A choir of birds began to chirp in the distance, their songs echoing all around me, offering a soundtrack to my walk.

  Plop!

  A pinecone dropped to the ground nearby. I walked up to it, pushing it forward with my foot enough to make it circle in on itself. I smiled and kicked it again, a bit harder this time. I watched it tumble and bounce a few feet away from me. I skipped up to it, stood still and then narrowed my eyes to size up my imaginary competition.

  “Welcome, spectators large and small, to the game of my life,” I dramatically announced out loud to the forest.

  I took a deep breath and then…crack!

  I kicked the cone clear across the forest floor and then ran up to another.

  Pop!

  My foot swooshed into the side of a new cone and sent it deep into space.

  Snap!

  I played soccer with whatever pinecones dared to jump in my way, weaving between the opposing team of trees until scoring a goal between an unsuspecting pair of ferns.

  Boom!

  The crowd of birds and squirrels roared over my victory and I ran in circles with my arms up. I yipped and hollered and gave a celebratory shake of the hips before finally slowing down enough to accept my gold medal.

  “Thank you, world! Thank you so much!” I bowed to the millions of fans holding up my name on posters in the stands. I was a hero, signing autographs on leaves with a broken twig. Hoards of people bombarded me with compliments about my lightning-speed moves and powerful kicks. It was almost overwhelming. I finally had to hold up my hand and beg the berry bushes. “Stop, really. Oh man, seriously, it was no big deal.”

  As I caught my breath, I realized I had jogged quite a ways away from Theory’s house. I thought about being nervous for a split second, but the landscape of beauty still surrounding me sparked my attention back onto the present. Looking up, I saw that I stood under a cathedral of trees. The scent of pine was intoxicating and a miniature symphony of frogs echoed for miles around me. Closing my eyes, I focused on how still the world felt. How safe and pure it all was.

  A breeze whipped my hair into swirls and I could see patches of light through my eyelids as I swayed back and forth. A flutter of excitement pulsated through my heart and suddenly I felt free.

  Opening my eyes, my heart welcomed the wallpaper of bark, mosses, and ferns. I felt so relieved to be here, in nature, far from the madness that brought me here.

  With a bigger flash of gratitude and a smile brightening my face, I bolted across the forest floor. The sun chased after me, as I shocked fallen nurse logs awake, turning them into springboards for my liberation hurdles.

  I dashed between hundred-year-old trees, laughing, letting go of everything that had ever happened to me before this moment. My arms splashed against low-hanging branches and I could hear the trees chuckle alongside me.

  The sounds of a river pounded against a mountain slope ahead of me and my curiosity changed direction toward the water. I became more mindful of my footing as the soil gradually turned into a grayish carpet of stones and fallen pine needles.


  My mind began to wander about what could be residing in the water. I thought about fashioning my own fishing line to catch a giant Sockeye salmon. I always loved how colorful salmon were; their shiny reds and greens rippling over a muscly mass of scales. I fantasized about wrestling a giant fish into submission through the swift of the current and then crawling back to the land just as victoriously as I had won my imaginary soccer game.

  “Hm. I wonder if Theory likes fish. I know Sage and Cadence would!” I mumbled to myself.

  The roar of the creek snapped me back into reality and I stepped through the final veil of cedars. Sprawled out in front of me were ribbons of turquoise water, swirling and mashing into crystal white eddies.

  I placed a hand on the tree beside me to gain stability while my heart raced at the beauty of it all. I had never seen water this teal and clear looking. It sparkled so much that I wondered if someone had spilled glitter into it. My eyes traced the outline of charcoal banks that framed the jumble of currents racing past me.

  I crouched down and touched the glacial runoff to see if the water was as cold as it looked. “Whoa!” It definitely was.

  Grabbing a handful of rocks, I challenged myself to make the biggest splash possible.

  Plop! Duup! Dunk!

  Prismatic drops of creek water began to dance above the current. I laughed again and began experimenting with the angle of my throws to make the drops nosier. I grabbed a medium sized rock with both hands and swung it into the pearly abyss.

  Doop!

  “Haha!”

  This was awesome. Now if I could just find a bigger-

  Before my eyes finished combing the bank for larger ammo, I noticed the bushes across the creek shift and shake. I instinctively crouched down amongst the rocks and fell silent in fear. My vision fixated on the bush before me and I could feel myself starting to second guess my venture so far from Theory’s house.

  With one more ruffle of ferns, the head of an elk poked out from behind the trees.