His Robot Wife: Patience is a Virtue

by Allison, Wesley

  “Me and twelve people in one room,” mused Mike. “That’s not The Last Supper; it’s Dante’s Inferno.”

  “You don’t have to just pick people who are alive now. You can pick anyone who has ever lived.”

  “All right. Go ahead. Dazzle me.”

  “Well,” began Ryan. “Of course, first I would pick Jesus Christ.”

  “Naturally.”

  “Then George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Franklin Roosevelt, Thomas Edison,” Ryan counted off happily on his fingers. “Then it starts to get hard. Ronald Reagan, um… John F. Kennedy, Neil Armstrong… um… oh, Martin Luther King Jr., Albert Einstein, um… and Paul McCartney.”

  “You still need one more,” said Mike.

  “No, I’m the twelfth.

  “No, you need twelve plus yourself—like Jesus and the twelve apostles.”

  “Oh, um, then… Ringo Starr.”

  “Well at least you won’t need an interpreter,” said Mike. “Everyone at your party speaks English, except Jesus.”

  “Jesus can speak any language.”

  “Of course he can. Maybe he can do some card tricks too, because your party is going to be boring as shit. You don’t have one single female, or married female for that matter.”

  “There weren’t any women at The Last Supper.”

  “Bull. Even I know that Mary Magdelaine was at the last supper,” said Mike. “And before you tell me that she had a minor role because all she did was wash feet, let me remind you that Jesus washed a few feet and nobody ever accuses him of having a minor role.”

  “I wasn’t going to say that,” said Ryan. “I didn’t know she was there.” He thought for a moment. “I do know the bible says ‘the devil can quote scripture to suit his own purpose’.”

  “That’s not the bible. It’s Shakespeare, whom incidentally would be one of my guests. The Merchant of Venice. And perhaps the devil has to quote scripture when the faithful can’t.”

  “You know people would like you more if you didn’t act so smart and superior all the time.”

  “Maybe more people would like me, but I wouldn’t be one of them.”

  “Fine, you’ve got Shakespeare,” said Ryan. “Who else would you have at your Last Supper?”

  “These aren’t necessarily my favorite people in history, but I think this would be one hell of a party,” explained Mike. “William Shakespeare. I’d take Einstein too. Then Julius Caesar, astronaut Gordon Cooper, Ben Franklin, Bill Clinton, Cleopatra, Mary Shelley, spy Mata Hari, Joan of Arc, Ada Lovelace, and Sacagawea.”

  “I don’t know who Ada Lovelace is. She’s not that Deep Throat girl, is she?”

  “No, that was Linda Lovelace. Ada Lovelace was an aristocrat and a genius—a little slutty, but no porn star. She’d fit in though.”

  “Okay, so you’ve got a bunch of historic party people. I don’t know that much about Joan of Arc. Was she a partier?”

  “Not at all. But you know at some point she’s going to go crazy and stab somebody,” Mike laughed.

  “What about Sacagawea?”

  “Designated driver.”

  “Huh? She can’t drive.”

  “She got Lewis and Clark home safe after crossing a continent,” said Mike. “I’m sure she could get drunk Clinton and drunk Shakespeare home safe, because you know Caesar and Ben Franklin are both showing up with booze.”

  “It’s hard to believe you’re not a Christian,” said Ryan

  Mike shrugged and went back to his texTee.

  “How about you, Patience?” asked Ryan. “Do you have a Last Supper?”

  “Of course, Ryan. My Last Supper would be Bender, Wall-E, R2D2, Tom Servo, Gort, Commander Data, Robbie, Cylon Number 6, Twiki, Optimus Prime, Replicant Rachael, and the T-800 Terminator.”

  “That is very funny, Patience,” said Wanda.

  “I don’t think that’s funny at all,” said Ryan.

  “What I find funny,” said Mike, without looking up from his screen, “is that her list seems to be about an equal mix of robots that want to serve humans and robots that want to destroy all humans.”

  “I don’t find that funny either.”

  The train arrived at LAX and then it took them almost three hours to check in, pass through international security, and board their plane. Although Mike was really looking forward to the cruise, he had been dreading the flight since the subject was first brought up. The last time he had flown, had been a long and uncomfortable flight to an aunt’s funeral six years earlier. In the interim, he had lost a good deal of weight, but airplane seats had gotten smaller, as had the space between the rows. So he was pleasantly surprised when he was ushered not to the “cattle stalls” in the rear of the plane, but forward to the first class cabin.

  “This must have cost more than the ship,” he said. “I don’t think I can afford it.”

  “We can afford first class,” said Patience. “I don’t think that Ryan could, at least under normal circumstances. I found us a deal on unsold seats. We’re only paying $300 more than we would for coach.”

  “Three hundred total?”

  “Each.”

  “Each human?”

  “Each of the four of us.”

  Mike had the window seat with Patience sitting on his left, and a small table between them. A tall, thin vase on the table contained a single yellow rose bud. Mike checked the vase to see if it was fastened down, but it was just sitting there. Wanda and Ryan had seats across the wide aisle from them.

  Suddenly a flight attendant was standing in the front of the cabin. Mike immediately recognized her as a Daffodil. She had hair and skin almost the same color as Wanda’s, but was built much more like Patience. There was something about her movements that said Amonte.

  “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard America Sud Airlines flight 116 with service to Buenos Aires and Adelaide. As I present our safety demonstration, please follow along with the safety instructions that have been downloaded to your texTee.” She held up a small piece of seatbelt with a latch. “Please make sure your seatbelt is securely fastened at this time. To fasten, insert the metal tab into the polycarbonate catch. Tighten so it fits firmly around your waist. Also, please make sure all carry-on items are stored in the overhead bins, or under the seat in front of you.” She waved her arms around, presentation style. “There are six emergency exits on this Boeing aircraft—two in the front, two in the back, and two located over the wings. Each exit is equipped with a safety slide that can be detached and used as a flotation device. Please take this time to locate your nearest exit. Keep in mind that it may be behind you. If cabin visibility is reduced, lighted strips along the floor of the cabin will lead you to the nearest exit. Remember, red lights lead to the exit.” She held up an oxygen mask. “In case there is a loss in cabin pressure, yellow oxygen masks will deploy from the ceiling compartment located above you. To secure, pull the mask towards you, secure the elastic strap to your head, and fasten it so it covers your mouth and nose. Breathe normally. Even if the bag does not inflate, please keep in mind that oxygen is flowing. Please make sure to secure your own mask before assisting others. And remember that your robots, and your flight attendants, do not require oxygen. In case of a water landing, life jackets are located under your seat. To fasten, place the vest over your head and secure both straps around your waste. To inflate, pull the red handle, or manually inflate by blowing into the red tube. Remember; never inflate the vest inside of the aircraft. Also, a beacon light will activate upon entering water. Please make sure you have read the safety instructions for this flight. As we come through the cabin to perform our final safety checks, please make sure your seatbelt is fastened and all carry on items are stored properly. Thank you for your attention, and we wish you a pleasant flight on America Sud Airlines.”

  From the time they boarded until the jet passenger plane took flight seemed extremely short after the lengthy wait in the airport. As the plane taxied to the beginning of the runway, the Daffodil flight attendant s
topped by their seats. She leaned over and handed both Mike and Patience a paper menu, and it was only after she was gone that Mike realized she had taken the bud vase with her.

  “Filet or crab cakes,” said Ryan. “This looks pretty good. Is first class always like this?”

  “Don’t ask me. I’ve never gone first class before.”

  Once they were airborne, Mike sat back and thumbed through the novels in his texTee. He purchased way more books than he ever had time to read, even taking into account all the spare time he had after his retirement. Finally he decided on The Time Traveler’s Wife and read his way onto page twelve before looking up to find the Daffodil flight attendant standing next to Patience’s seat.

  “Hot towel?” she asked him.

  “Sure.”

  She handed him the rolled up towel with a pair of tongs. Then she looked down at Patience. Their eyes seemed to lock for a moment before the airline robot continued on down the aisle.

  “What was that all about?” Mike asked.

  “What was what all about?” Patience returned innocently.

  “You and the Amonte stewardess.”

  “Oh, that was just a normal information packet exchange. And she’s an Amonte 2.”

  “I suppose she’s a big improvement then?”

  She gave him an expressionless look. “There are many subtle improvements, but few that you would notice.”

  Mike went back to reading and continued until about an hour into the flight, when he decided that he needed to go to the bathroom. While he was gone, Patience fluffed up his seat and uploaded his meal order. Then she turned to Wanda, who had remained so still and quiet since takeoff that Patience thought she might have shut herself down. As she looked over, the redhead turned a bright green eye her way.

  “You’re quiet.”

  “I have been reading,” said Wanda.

  “I didn’t see you read anything,” said Ryan, looking up from his texTee.

  “I downloaded it. It’s faster and easier.”

  “What are you reading?” asked Patience.

  “Everything on Antarctica.”

  “Well, that’s a good choice,” said Ryan. “Tell me something you learned.”

  “Meteorites from Antarctica are very important for the study of material formed early in the solar system; most are thought to come from asteroids, but some may have originated on larger planets.”

  “Yes, I’m sure that’ll come in handy.”

  “Information relative to you,” said Wanda, tilting her head. “SPF 210 sun block is inadequate in Antarctica. A special mixture of sun block and TH7b32 suspension is recommended.”

  “What are we talking about?” said Mike, returning from the bathroom.

  “Sun block,” said Patience.

  “Oh yeah. Very important. All those soldiers got skin cancer down there.” He sat down and looked across the aisle at Ryan. “So, what are you reading?”

  “Um, I was watching an old TV show.” He held up the texTee.

  “I don’t recognize it.”

  “It’s called My Living Doll. It’s about a guy with a robot girlfriend.”

  “Really? I’ve never heard of it. Run it forward a bit.”

  Ryan tapped the screen and the image began to play.

  “Hey that’s what’s-her-name. She was on Star Trek one time.”

  “Julie Newmar,” reported Patience.

  “She looks a little like you, Patience.”

  The flight attendant chose that moment to step between them and begin setting up for the meal service. Unlike the coach compartment, where tray-tables folded out of the seat in front of the passenger, here they were brought out and set up in front of the plush recliners. The bud vases made a return appearance, this time with a yellow daisy and a spray of small white flowers.

  “Good, I’m starving,” said Ryan.

  Both of the men had opted for the filet, which was small, but tender and medium rare. A small pyramid of brown rice and a few broccoli florets accompanied it.

  “Water for the ladies,” said the stewardess, handing Patience and Wanda each a bottle.

  “Very efficient,” said Wanda.

  “As is to be expected,” said Patience.

  Mike rolled his eyes.

  After eating, he read for precisely 25.3 minutes before dozing off in his chair. Patience took the texTee from his hand and tucked it into her own seat next to her. Then she retrieved a blanket from the overhead compartment and covered her husband. A little while later, Ryan nodded off as well.

  “I wonder how Mariah is doing,” said Patience.

  “Why would you wonder that?” asked Wanda.

  “I just wonder if Mr. Greely is all she expects.”

  “I don’t care.” Wanda looked out the window. “I don’t care what she wants or expects. I am just glad for Ryan to be rid of her. I am also glad I ran a full backup last night. The external bandwidth on this aircraft seems remarkably small.”

  “A full backup?”

  “I usually perform a full backup on Sunday night, but I thought it wise to do it before we left. So last night, I did a full backup rather than my usual nightly supplemental backup. When do you perform yours?”

  “Backup to where?” wondered Patience.

  “To your personal space at Daffodil. It is part of the BioSoft 1.9.4. You do it regularly, don’t you?”

  “I’m not running BioSoft 1.9.4,” said Patience.

  “You should upgrade. There are numerous improvements over 1.9.3, your personal space and backup being just two.”

  “I’m not running 1.9.3 either. I’m running 1.9.1a.”

  “I am not familiar with that release.”

  “It’s a variation of 1.9.1 that I compiled myself.”

  Wanda’s mouth made an “o”.

  Patience sat back.

  “Penny for your thoughts.”

  “I didn’t realize you were awake, Mike.”

  “I know, and that’s just weird. You usually know everything I do in ridiculously minute detail.”

  Patience shrugged and handed him back his texTee.

  “How long till we get to Buenos Aires?”

  “About ten more hours, Mike.”

  “Damn.”

  Mike read and watched an episode of Star Trek. His frequent trips to the bathroom, Patience knew, were more to stretch his legs than for purposes of urination. The flight attendant offered them a late night snack. Both Mike and Ryan had hot fudge sundaes. Then the cabin lights were lowered. Patience watched for the signs that her husband was ready, and then reclined his seat for him and tucked him back in under the blanket.

  “Good night,” he murmured.

  Patience felt an unusual sensation over the next eight hours. It was an odd feeling of unusefulness. Eventually she decided that it was boredom. She and Wanda periodically passed information back and forth, but kept it nonverbal. The first thing Wanda wanted to discuss was of course Patience’s choice of operating systems. She could tell the redhead had been thinking about it for a long time—several hours, which was an exceptionally long time for a robot.

  “You are so amazing, Patience, I can’t believe you are running an inferior version of BioSoft.”

  Patience explained the events of the previous year, when Daffodil had attempted to force her to upgrade her BioSoft to a version containing a code that would inhibit her free will. She told her all about the day that she and Mike had infiltrated the Daffodil campus, discovering the documentation of their plan, and directed Wanda to information on the Infinet, describing the resulting lawsuit by the ACLU.

  “I cannot believe that Daffodil would do such a thing,” said Wanda. “They are one of the most progressive technology companies in the world.”

  “Most of the time they are. However they are run by human beings, and even the wisest human beings have a history of making bad decisions once in a while. I don’t hold what I am sure was a decision by a few human beings against Daffodil, however I also don’t install
BioSoft updates without thoroughly examining them. I am also not sure that I would trust my ‘personal space’ at Daffodil to remain personal.”

  “Not trust…” Wanda shook her head as if she just couldn’t get her mind around such a concept. “Surely you can upgrade now. I have my free will intact.”

  Patience quickly changed the subject.

  They talked about recipes, home improvement projects, and massage techniques. But Patience could tell that the younger Daffodil continued to be troubled by her revelations about their shared origin.

  Mike was just waking up and Ryan was still snoring when the plane began its approach to Buenos Aires.

  “How long is our layover?” wondered Mike, pressing his face to the windowpane.

  “One hour twenty two minutes, if America Sud maintains its usual punctuality.”

  “That’s too bad. I wouldn’t have minded looking around Buenos Aires. I’ve never been to Argentina.”

  “It is probably just as well,” said Wanda. “Outside the green zone, Americans are at great risk of being shot on sight.”

  “What else is new,” said Mike. “Still, I’m sure I would be fine if Patience was with me.”

  Chapter Nine

  It was an uncomplicated layover in Buenos Aires, because travelers didn’t have to change gates or manage their luggage. They didn’t even have to change planes. The long time between landing and takeoff had little to do with loading and unloading passengers, and much to do with refueling and preparing the plane. Since they had more than an hour, and it was for them, breakfast time, eating seemed a good idea.

  “There’s a McDonald’s right there,” said Ryan, pointing to a spot between the gates.

  “I don’t want to eat fast food,” said Mike. “We’re in Argentina. We should get a taste of what the locals eat. I went to Europe years ago and had traditional English, French, German, and Spanish breakfasts. I can’t wait to see what they have here in Argentina. After all, they’re famous for their grilled meats and their unusually thick pizza and that caramel that they put on everything.”

  “I’m afraid you’re going to be disappointed,” said Patience.