The Boy Who Knew Me When (From Boys to men Trilogy)

by Bostick, J. L.

  “Jemma! You didn’t tell me you hooked up with Ford. Is it true?” Angela questioned.

  “Well, sort of, I mean we kind of know each other from when we were kids. He’s a nice guy. And besides what the fuck business is it of yours who I hook up with?” I defended myself. It wasn’t anyone’s business what I or who did with my life.

  “Now Jem, don’t get all pissy on me. I ain’t saying nothin’! I’m just tuggin’ your chain sweet pea. Ford’s a good guy.” Axel pleaded.

  “Heck well I’m sure as hell saying something!” Angela grabbed me by the shoulders and spun me to face her. “Ford Ackles is a total man whore. I don’t think I have been to a single party in the last two years that he didn’t hook up with someone. The most pathetic part of it all is that he has a fiancée back home, the son of a bitch could care less.”

  Fiancée? I expect college guys to have a little fun but a fiancée? Not that I have any kind of claim on him but he never mentioned so much as a girlfriend, little alone a fiancée.

  “In fact...” Angela continued. “She is supposed to be starting at St. Edward’s this year. Isn’t that right Ax?” She looked to Axel for confirmation.

  “Like I said, I ain’t saying nothing. I ain’t risking my legacy status talking shit about other people’s business. Sorry Jemma, Ford’s a good guy. You might want to talk to him about it instead of listening to a bunch of hearsay anyway.”

  I couldn’t quite wrap my head around anything the two of them were going on about. I felt so numb that I could not manage a single coherent thought until I registered the next few words out of Axel’s mouth.

  “He should be along any minute now, I am sure he can explain his own life.”

  “What do you mean any minute? Don’t you mean Sunday night?” OK, now I was pissed.

  “No, he should be back from the airport with Heather any minute now. He went down to San Juan to take care of his grandmama and to bring Heather back.”

  I could feel the blood starting to boil in my body and I felt my face turning the color of crimson.

  “WHAT THE FUCK?! ” I screamed catching the entire party by surprise but I didn’t care. “Who the hell is Heather? You better talk Axel Eugene Mosby or so help me God I am going to tell everyone about that time Jennifer Flowers left you with blue balls and you decided it would be a good idea to.......”

  Axel backed away from me a few feet and put his hands up in front of me as if trying to prevent me from kneeing him in the balls. Which I have to admit might make me feel a hell of a lot better.

  “WHOA, WHOA WHOA” he loudly cautioned. “OK, don’t say another word. The last thing I need is for the guys to have that kind of ammunition to fire at me. Heather is Ford’s girl, from what I hear they have been going steady since junior year of high school, he proposed to her last Valentine’s day. All the guys participated in it, flowers, balloons, candles the whole shebang.”

  I heard Angela utter an “Mm hmm” behind me. I could no longer control the tears I had been so desperately holding back.

  “Oh shit” exclaimed Axel. I turned to follow in the direction his eyes were now pointing to find Ford hand in hand with a gorgeous raven haired beauty who I quickly figured out was Heather.

  Almost as fast as I took notice of the couple Ford himself took notice of me. Our eyes locked and no matter how much I tried I could not look away from him. Each second we stared at one another caused my knees to grow weaker until finally they buckled and gave out. Luckily Axel was there to catch me, as soon as his arms pulled me back up again Ford was in front of me, leaving Heather standing alone in the doorway.

  “Jemma” He reached out for my hand but I stepped away tripping over Axels size thirteen steel toed boot. Ford grabbed hold of both my arms and pulled me closer to him yanking me out of Axel’s grasp.

  “That’ll be all, Axel.” He ordered.

  “You gunna be alright Jemma?” Axel glared at me with a torn expression on his face. I knew he didn’t want to leave me alone with Ford but at the same time I knew he had no choice if he wanted to secure his spot for the next 4 years as a brother of one of the most prestigious fraternity’s on campus.

  “I’m fine Axel; go do what you need to do.” I said never taking my eyes away from Ford. I felt Fords grip tighten around my arms, when I cried out in pain he let me go.

  “Jemma I...”

  “DON’T Ford!” I firmly barked. “Don’t say anything, you don’t need to. I get it, OK? It wasn’t as if we were dating, you are not my man or anything by any stretch of the word. We fucked, it was good, enough said, good luck on your engagement.” I said.

  As I turned to walk away Ford grabbed both of my arms, pulled me around to face him then shoved his lips into mine. I gathered enough strength to push him off of me and slapped him with a force so hard he stumbled backward reaching his hand to rub the tender spot that was now reddened with my handprint.

  My body started to shake and tremble, and then tiny noises I barely recognized as mine began to pour out of my mouth. The noises that started off as nothing but small whistles quickly turned into hysterical laughter. Before I knew it Axel and Brea were by my side. I heard Angela mumble something behind me that sounded kind of like “You son of a bitch!” as the two of them escorted me out of the party.

  Axel drove Brea and me home, we had taken a Taxi just in case we had a few too many and since he was the designated driver for the evening he was able to excuse himself without incident. By the time we arrived back at the apartment the laughter had stopped and I had turned into more of a zombie than anything. My entire body had gone numb and there was pretty much not a single thought running through my head. It didn’t make any sense but I suddenly felt as if I had lost my entire family, Julian included, all over again. This must have been how Julian felt the night he saved me from Raz, after he realized who I was. It felt like I was drowning in all of the stagnant emotions of my past.

  Brea and Axel both helped carry me up the stairs to my apartment. They had to talk my legs into moving because I couldn’t manage that on my own, they didn’t feel like a pair of limbs used to carry a human being, instead they felt like hot cheesy mashed potatoes.

  Chapter Six

  We made it to my room where I heard Brea ask Axel if he could please sit with me for about half an hour while she baked some cookies. Axel didn’t question her strange request; we had all known each other since grade school which made him privy to all of the oddities of our group, including Brea’s bizarre idea of magical cookies and the fact that I might be slightly insane.

  Axel crouched in front of me taking both of my hands into his then placing them into my lap.

  “You need anything sweet pea? A drink of water maybe?”

  Axel was a nice guy though I never understood his ridiculous nick name. All through high school Axel was known as the jokester, he made fun of everybody but it was always in good fun and never to the point of being mean. To see him so caring and attentive, even in the state I was in brought comforting warmth to my heart.

  Axel bent down and removed the boots from my feet. “There now, is that better?” he asked staring up at me proudly.

  Without a single thought going through my head I moved my face to Axels and kissed him. He immediately pushed me away and jumped up. He looked at me as if he had just stepped in horse shit.

  “Whoa, sweet pea. I don’t think so!”

  But I knew that he wanted me, he always had. I never told anyone but this wasn’t the first time I had felt Axel’s lips on mine. During the summer of my freshman year when Brandon had gone off to Europe with his mom Axel and I went to see a movie. We were just friends and it was strictly plutonic but by the time the movie was over Axel had not only kissed me but put his hands up my shirt. It taken him all of two seconds and even though, for reasons I could never comprehend, I allowed it. We both agreed it was a mistake and decided to never speak of the incident again, not to anyone.

  I forced myself onto my feet finding myself face to fa
ce with a much panicked Axel. I have no idea what was happening but I needed something to take my mind off the nothingness sweeping over me. I was so numb I could barely see straight and kissing him had briefly brought heat back into my flesh, I had to feel more.

  “Don’t say no Ax, I know you don’t want to say no, please, please kiss me?” I begged.

  I leaned in capturing his lips again, this time he reciprocated. Deepening the kiss I moved my hands down to his crotch. When he didn’t fight me I unbuttoned his jeans and moved my hands inside, taking hold of his hardening cock. It wasn’t as perfect as Ford’s or as long as Brandon’s but it was thicker than both, much thicker. My clit began to throb and I knew that I needed this to ease the ache that was taking over my body. I pulled away from him for a brief moment to lock my bedroom door.

  When I returned to him his arms shot up once again. “I don’t know about this sweet pea. You’re not right; I just don’t feel too good about this.”

  But I could not allow him to stop this from happening, instead I took charge. I knew he was just like every other man and could never say no when all of the cards were laid out in front of him. I knew what kind of cards I had to play and I was going to use every last one of them.

  I pulled my shirt over my head taking my bra off with it and walked my breast straight into the palms face up in front of me.

  “Jesus H Christ!” he sighed in defeat as he squeezed my full hardened breasts in his big hands. I moved closer to him taking his mouth into mine again and whispered in his ear.

  “Please, Axel. I feel so numb, I want to feel you. I want you to touch every single last inch of me and then I want you to fuck me...hard. It can be just like it was in high school, nobody needs to know.”

  He pulled away from my words and I allowed him to see the desperation in my eyes. At this moment I did not care about anyone. Not Brandon, not Brea, not Ford, not even Axel. All I wanted was to have my needs taken care of; I wanted to feel something besides numbness and heartache.

  Axel, giving into my demands pulled the shirt off of his back and stripped down while I took off the rest of my clothes.

  “Not in the bed...” I said. I didn’t feel right about having him in my bed. Beds were for lovers, this was nothing but sex. Not even sex… this was fucking.

  “..right here in the floor”

  Axel nodded and laid me down on top of the shaggy green carpet at the foot of my bed.

  “You sure about this, sweet pea?” I reached down and squeezed his erect cock giving him all the answer he needed. He kissed me a few more times before moving his mouth to my breasts.

  “Bite them,” I ordered. Not quite knowing why I wanted him to put his teeth on me but as instructed he bit down. I cried out and he bit my nipples again this time causing the fire between my legs to burn even hotter.

  “Taste me Axel!” I continued to beg as his mouth traced its way between my legs. Opening my folds with his fingers I felt his thick tongue lick its way over my swollen nub.

  “Good Jesus, you are seriously making me hard, sweet pea!”

  I shushed him “Bite it!” I screamed.

  His tongue swirled around my clit a few more times before taking the swollen nub between his teeth gently biting down and licking the pain away. I softly screamed for him to do it again. The moment he bit down my body began to pulsate and with the pain I found the release I so desperately needed.

  Moving a finger inside of me he made his way back to my lips rubbing my wetness onto my mouth. Uninterested in foreplay I flipped him over and climbed on top of him sliding my wet walls onto the thickest cock I had ever seen in my life. He mumbled something that I could not make out, not that I cared what it was. I needed this and only this; I needed to feel the hurt that came from slamming myself onto him over and over again. I rode him as hard as I could, taking pleasure from his grunts and cries of pleasure.

  “Sweet pea I’m gunna come, you have to stop!” He begged.

  But there was no stopping me, I was too close to finding my own release to care about his. Before I knew it I was being thrown onto my back and he had taken over, pounding me hard, once, twice and just as the explosion inside of me released itself he pulled out, emptying himself onto my stomach. Seeing his salty liquid spread all over my body brought me back to reality, I cried out and immediately jumped up and ran to the bathroom.

  What had I done? I had not only just thrown myself at my ex-boyfriends best friend, a pledge in my brother’s best friend’s fraternity but despite the fact he tried his damned to avoid it, I fucked him with no protection and almost let him unload himself inside of me. Was I really this fucking selfish, this stupid, this fucked up or all of the above?

  I turned on the shower right before the shouting match began on the other side of the door, as quickly as it started it all ended with the sound of a sickening hard slap. Just as I began to step into the steaming hot water Brea banged on the door.

  “JEMMA, OPEN UP! Goddamn it Jem, open the fucking door!”

  But I refused to bow down to her orders, not when all that I wanted to do was burn everything about the experience I just had with Axel from my body.

  “Go the fuck away!” I yelled back.

  “Just tell me you are OK, and I will leave you alone. Please Jemma?” I could hear the pain and fear in her voice.

  I knew Brea loved me, I loved her as well but something was happening to me that I could not for the life of me explain. I told her that I was fine, that I just needed to shower. And then I stepped inside. Pulling the curtain closed behind me I began to scrub my entire body for dear life as if it was covered in disease.

  I had hoped to just climb into bed and waste the rest of the day withering away but I should have known better. Brea was sitting in my desk chair, having turned it to face the bathroom door so that she could see me the moment I stepped out. She looked at me as if contemplating something and then staring me dead in the eye asked the question I was hoping she would never have to.

  “How long have you been off your meds?”

  Bi-Polar Disorder

  Definition -a mental illness in which a person experiences periods of strong excitement and happiness followed by periods of sadness and depression—called alsomanic-depressive illness.

  I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder the summer that I turned thirteen. My aunt had taken me to doctor after doctor all of which continued to diagnose me with PTSD, otherwise known as post traumatic stress disorder, given my history of unfortunate violent trauma. My emotions were a regular roller coaster ride. There were moments I was fine, sometimes more than fine. And other moments where I couldn’t tell whether I was coming or going.

  My aunt started to realize it had to be something else when I began to fly off the handle. The smallest things would make me angry, sometimes I could not control myself at all. And during fits of rage, I would throw things, hit the wall, kick things over and sometimes even hurt myself. Once I had calmed down it felt like the world had shifted on it’s axis and remorse set in. I would often stay locked in my room for days listening to Joni Mitchell albums and doodling. Brea would come by to visit, I would let her in but we would end up just sitting on my bed staring up at the ceiling.

  When I started eighth grade and Tilly started allowing me to go out on dates, as long as she drove me, I found more effective ways of dealing with the numbness that often led to my uncontrollable emotions. I had never gone all the way with anyone, not until that evening with Brandon our senior year but I had done pretty much everything else.

  I would allow most of my date’s hands go just about anywhere they wanted to go as long as it ignited the pain and throbbing that made me feel alive. I was not selfish about it; I always gave back whatever I received. The fact that I would eventually regret every second of the time I spent letting uncaring boys violate my body had no effect on the choices that I made. Soon I found that I had gained a reputation so I moved on to boys outside of middle school seeking the comfort of older guys in highschoo
l. Preferably those getting ready to leave for college.

  During this time Brea and I started arguing nonstop which was nothing at all like us. It hurt her to see the road I was choosing and I could not get her to understand that the choices being made were not something I would choose for myself had I any ability to think straight. I tried to explain to her how suffocating the numbness was, but her life had always been perfect and she simply lacked all understanding. When my reputation resulted in her gaining the same reputation by association she stopped wanting to be seen with me in school. Later, when she gained her own reputation without any help from me she would laugh at the irony. Missing Brea was the only reason I decided to open up to my therapist and allow her to help me.

  A week after my confession I was referred to a psychiatrist and eventually diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder or manic depression as it is sometimes called. Apparently some people with the disorder turn to violence, other to shopping, some to drinking and others like me, to sex. I truly did feel as if I needed the closeness that certain sexual acts afforded me. The feeling of being wanted and the variety of excitement temporarily fueled my lack of feeling breathing life back into me.

  I was also informed that Bi-Polar disorder is often an inherited condition and sometimes linked to schizophrenia. It was after being diagnosed that my aunt shared with me our family’s long torrid experience with mental illness. She confided that the mental health of immediate family was one of the main reasons she refused to get romantically involved with a man, or woman, in all of her 48 years. She said that she refused to burden anyone should she develop any abnormal psychological issues. No she was not a 48 year old virgin; she simply chose to go the route of having relationships with men who had a mutual desire to satisfy her physical needs without strings. I never questioned her, she seemed happy and that was all that mattered.