I gasped and my father took a second to compose himself.
“We had that parents support group every Friday, do you remember? You would go spend the night at Brea’s and we would go to group. Only that night your mother said Brea wasn’t feeling well. I offered to stay home with her but she would not have it. She wanted me to go and I thought nothing of it since it was just like her to consider my needs before her own. When I got home, I knew something was wrong. The entire house was dark but your bedroom. I heard your music playing and saw your shadow dancing along the wall. When I walked in I found your mother. She was standing at the bottom of the stairs, just standing there with a gun in her hands. I was thrown; nothing about what I was witnessing made any sense to me.”
I opened my mouth to speak but Dr. Scott pleaded with me to let him finish. Julian grabbed my hand and pulled it into his lap squeezing lightly to remind me that he was there.
“I confronted her; she jumped and started to cry. One second tears were falling and the next she was screaming at the top of her lungs.
“I can’t do this anymore! I need to be with my son! He needs me, Nicolai needs me!” She yelled.
I finally got her to calm down long enough to get the gun out of her hands. I walked her into the living room and sat the gun on one of the end tables next to the couch. When I urged her to sit down she began to yell again, this time when I tried to calm her down she started hitting me over and over.
I guess your mother had been in denial putting all of her focus into my illness and everything else, once she broke she became angry and irrational. Then you walked in...”
He bit back a sob and Dr. Scott handed him a bottle of water which he took a long drink of.
“You walked in and grabbed the gun off of the table. You looked so scared. So broken, I think it was the first time either of us had actually noticed that you were hurting as well. And for that I am so sorry princess...so so sorry!”
I watched as my father broke down into tears. Julian and I both sat frozen at my fathers reaction to something that could not be helped and to the story unfolding in front of us. And then like someone playing a movie at high speed everything began pouring back into my head. The yelling I heard from my room, my mother smashing her fists into my daddy’s head and the gun...the gun.
“Oh my God...” I blurted. “Oh my God.” I buried my face into my hands and tried to control my breathing but there was no way that I could. I was panicking and my thoughts were out of control. I jumped from the table, ran over to the garbage can at the end of the desk and heaved mercilessly into the can. Julian was behind me in seconds pulling my hair out of my face; my father tailed behind him body guard in tow.
“Just breathe sweetheart, breathe for me Jemma.” Julian begged.
A few moments later, after I emptied the last remnants of my stomach, which were few and far between I stood up meeting the concerned stare of my father and I began to cry.
“Daddy! I’m so sorry.” I choked. I lightly pushed Julian off of me and walked into my father’s arms.
“It’s OK princess, it’s OK.”
For the first time since I was eight years old my father comforted me. He held me in his arms, smoothed my hair and told me everything was going to be alright.
Eventually the silence in the room weighed down on Julian.
“Can someone please tell me what the hell is going on?” He asked, clearly as concerned as he was confused.
“I feel it best if we all sit and allow John to continue.” replied Dr. Scott
My dad walked me over to my seat but I wasn’t ready to let him go. He grabbed my hand and squatted down next to me. “It’s OK princess, I’m not going anywhere. Julian is with you. Julian?”
My dad looked over to the boy who he had once thought of as his own and placed my hand in his.
“Take care of my daughter?”
“With everything I have, Sir.”
My dad walked back to his seat and began to tell the story that my brain had tried so hard to forget. Not the story that had burned itself into my head as a young girl but the story as it was. Only now he was telling the story to Julian because he knew that I remembered everything a fact that did not make hearing it any easier.
“The first thing we saw was Jemma’s face. I think it took us both a second to realize that it was our little girl standing there holding us both at gun point. She looked so different than she had the last time I saw her earlier that evening. She was so pale, all of the life had drained from her eyes. She was screaming at us both asking us why we didn’t love her anymore. Then she started saying that all she wanted was to be with Nicolai. She said it over and over again. We both pleaded with her to put down the gun, it looked so big in her tiny hands but she didn’t hear us, she couldn’t because our princess was no longer present.
When she began to pull the gun up to her head Elaine and I lost all composure, she started screaming and I bolted across the room. There was no way I was going to lose another child, no way. I grabbed the hand that held the gun but Jemma wouldn’t let go. I started to plead with her.
“Please stop, princess. Please give daddy the gun.” I begged and begged.
After a few seconds she dropped it. I wasn’t prepared for it to fall, when it hit the ground it just went off. I don’t know if I ever touched it or not. I just know it went off and I watched the only woman I had ever love crumple to the floor. And then Jemma took off running and I knew I had to help my daughter. Before I took off after her I picked the gun up off the floor for fear that she might get hold of it again.”
“By the time I made it upstairs Jem had locked herself in the bathroom. She was screaming at the top of her lungs like someone was trying to kill her. I heard things being thrown around and glass shattering so I started banging on the door begging her to unlock it to no avail. When the noise stopped I began to kick the door until it gave way. The first thing I noticed was the destruction in the bathroom. She had left nothing untouched, everything was thrown around the floor, the shower door had been shattered and then I noticed the window. I climbed out and found my princess walking along the edge of the roof. Despite my pleading she refused to come back inside so I climbed out with her. I was scared to death that she would fall”
“Once again her screams begin to ring in my ear but I continued to move closer begging her to stop. Not paying attention to anything but her I tripped on the antennae cable and the gun went off. I had completely forgotten it was in my hand. Jemma jerked, lost her balance and fell from the roof. I tried to catch her but I wasn’t fast enough. I looked down and saw her lifeless body lying atop one of the bushes that surrounded the house. The next thing I know the police were there and I thought I had lost everything. Had the gun not fallen when I tripped I swear to God, right then and there, I would have put a bullet in my own head.”
He let out a small cry and wiped his face with the sleeves of his shirt. Then he turned from Julian who was shaking his head side to side and faced me.
“The police arrested me on the spot. I was so far gone by then that I had no defense for myself so I just let them keep throwing charges at me. If it were not for Tilly I would not have even had a lawyer, even though I refused to speak to anyone, she insisted on getting me the best money could buy. By the time I found out you were still alive Jem, the sickness had taken over and it seemed whatever sickness had taken over me had also taken over you because your memories of the events as they happened were gone.”
And there it was. I Jemma Lee Hale murdered my mother and my brain was too much of a coward to fess up to it. How was this supposed to help me?
Julian and I rode back to the hotel in silence. I didn’t want to talk, I didn’t want to be touched, I didn’t want any of it, life that is. I left my father’s side with him reassuring me that nothing was my fault.
“Princess, if anything that happened that night was anyone’s fault it was mine and your mother’s for not being there for you. For getting so caught up in our
own selfish needs that we forgot about the one person who mattered most of all.”
But it was my fault. It was my fault because my head was broken, and I did not function like other little girls. Other little girls did not even need to ‘function’ they just woke up with smiles on their faces and went about a day of coloring and playing without a care in the world. Not me, I held guns, I killed people with said guns.
Julian tried his best to comfort me but I did not want it. I wanted every bit of the pain inside of me; I wanted to suffer for every second my father had to suffer, every second that he had to spend rotting behind bars once he left that God awful hospital.
“You had blocked out what happened for a reason and for whatever reason that was believing that I pulled the trigger then went after you made you feel better about everything. Not only did I not want to hurt you more than I already had but Tilly said you seemed happy. And if you were happy, I refused to take that happiness from you.”
That was his reasoning for choosing to suffer twenty five years to life for a crime that he had nothing to do with.
Julian walked me into our room at the Radisson and my thoughts immediately went to Brea.
“Is Brea here?”
Julian looked at me with pity in his eyes.
“No sweetheart, she and Jonathan took the train back to Austin. They have some things they need to work out.”
I needed my friend, probably more than I have ever needed her in my entire life but in truth, she did not need me, she never had. After everything that had gone down on the beach earlier I was positive that she didn't even want me as her friend anymore.
“I’m going to take a shower.” I disappeared into the bathroom not waiting for Julian’s response. My body was so numb, I just needed to let go of it all.
I turned the shower to hot and waited for the steam to rise before stepping in fully clothed. I had no strength in me to strip myself down. I sat down in the tub under the spray, pulled my knees up into my arms and buried my face into them letting the water scald my body as I cried mercilessly into myself from the pain.
I don’t know how long I was in the tub before Julian walked in. I could tell he was talking but it sounded as if he was speaking into a glass. The words were muted and heavy, for some reason they made me laugh. Julian turned the water off and pulled my shirt and bra over my head. He grab hold of my arm and lifted me up from the tub tugging my pants down before grabbing a towel to carefully dry my skin and hair. I caught a glimpse of him as he lifted me into his arms, his face was red and his eyes were full of tears. I felt nothing. I buried my head into his neck and he carried me to bed. I felt an invisible presence pull the blanket up over my sensitive skin right before I drifted off to sleep.
Chapter Seventeen
Julian
I saw what looked like smoke rising out from under the bathroom door and ran over to it praying it was not locked. When I opened it was overwhelmed by a wet fog rising out of the tub and nearly knocked off my feet by the heat.
“Jesus fucking Christ!” I yelled as I spotted Jemma in the tub.
She was fully clothed, hiding inside herself crying. Her arms and neck were blood red. I ran to the shower and immediately turned it off.
“Come on sweetheart, Oh baby, please cooperate with me.”
I grabbed hold of her shirt along with her bra and pulled them up over her head. She did not fight me but she did not exactly cooperate either. Her back was streaked with redness, luckily from where I could see she was not badly enough burned for me to call for help. I just needed to get her out of the tub and into bed so she could sleep off the madness of the day.
I wished she would talk to me but I know how much she was hurting and it was tearing me up inside. I would have given anything to take this pain from her, I would have done anything.
I pulled her up by her arms and pulled her pants from under her bare feet leaving her standing naked in front of me. For the first time, seeing her naked did nothing for me. All I wanted was to hear her voice.
“Please talk to me sweetheart. Please say something, anything. Please!” I begged with no response from her. I felt like I was talking to myself. Not pushing it any further, I dried her off and carried her to bed.
I wanted to climb in next to her but seeing her in so much pain was too much for me to handle. I actually felt a sense of relief that she instantly fell asleep, the relief was followed by guilt. How was I supposed to help her if I could not even reach her? Instead of climbing into the bed I sat in the chair next to it and watched her. For the first time in a long time I was truly afraid, I was completely unsure how to help her and even more unsure what she would do when she woke up. Perhaps she would just float away because for the brief moment our eyes had met in the shower she had seemed as empty as a balloon.
After about half an hour she rolled over and reached for my side of the bed
“Julian?” She cried out for me which sent a painful itch through my heart.
I lifted myself up out of the chair, pulled my shoes off and climbed into bed with her. Still asleep she inched closer to me, throwing one arm over my chest, burying her head into the nape of my neck. I kissed her forehead and followed her into dreamland where I could only pray she was finding even a tiny bit of peace.
I awoke sometime later to a darkened room after hearing the faintest whisper from Jemma who was running her fingers across the line of my jaw. “Julian” The way she said my name was different from the way she had before. There was something in it that spoke of lust and desire.
“Yes sweetheart.” I whispered back to her.
I could see the soft essence of her face thanks to the dim light of the moon reflecting off of the ocean outside of the balcony window, just enough light to make out the pure desperation hiding beneath the beautiful blue eyes that glowed like fireflies.
“Please Julian, please take the pain away.” she pleaded.
I had heard those words before the night Axel came barreling through the front door of the frat house and explained that Jemma had seduced him, begging him to take her pain away. I had wanted to rip his throat out after hearing that he had taken advantage of her in her weak state of mind. But seeing the desperation pouring out of her I could see why he had to give into her. But I could not give in; there was no way in hell that I could just be ‘some guy’.
She pushed herself on top of me and began to kiss her way down my neck but I grabbed her before she could do any more damage.
“No sweetheart, we can’t.” I forced the words out of my mouth barely able to understand them myself.
“Julian, I know what you are thinking, this is not the same. I need you...” then she moved back up to my ear and whispered “I need you Julian, only you can fix me. I am begging you. Please fix me, you promised.” She said, emphasizing the word “you”.
And then the words of her father came rushing back through my head. Right before he was escorted out of Dr. Scott’s office he placed a single hand on my shoulder .
“I knew it was going to be you son. I always knew. Please take care of my daughter; she is all I have left.”
And then I made the promise that I had already made many times before, “I will do anything and everything that it takes to make her happy. Anything she needs, I am hers, always. I promise you that.”
She nipped and licked my ear lobe, making her way to my lips. Then she sat up and said the words that undid me.
“It’s only ever been you Julian. I only need you, I ache for you, make love to me, let me feel you, claim what has always been yours, please.”
She was mine, she had always been mine and I ached for her just as much as she ached for me. There was nothing unsure in her voice, nothing that said I was just anyone. Every word she spoke told me that I was all she needed, she needed me and only me, there has never and would never be anyone else. Jemma Lee Hale was mine, now and forever.
I flipped her over onto her back and let her help me off with my shirt then stepped out of bed t
o remove my pants. Climbing back on top of her I remembered that we had no protection. We had decided not to bring any as incentive not to do just what we were planning on doing.
I kissed her on the lips and whispered “We can’t, I don’t have anything sweetheart.”
She dug her nails into the back of my neck and pulled me into her, claiming my mouth with such force that she stole my breath.
“I don’t care, make me yours Julian.” She peered into my eyes and I fully understood the message she was trying to convey with just a look.
In that moment I no longer cared about anything that would prevent me from touching her the way I had yearned to. I took her mouth back into mine then slowly trailed it along her neck. Stopping for only a moment to taste her breath I continued down to the soft pink flesh between her legs.
I parted her folds with my tongue and began to caress her plump nub with my kiss. Her cries of desire guided my tongue and lips to her first explosion of pleasure. Her wetness poured onto my tongue, causing my long hard shaft to throb at the taste, it needed to find her, to take with it every ounce of suffering.
“Now Julian, NOW!”
Following her lead I moved back to her mouth and claimed it once more as the tip of my shaft found its mark. As if it had a mind of it’s own it pushed itself inside of her. She squirmed beneath me and her hips aided my shaft deeper into her body.
“I need to fuck you Julian. Let me show you how much I need you.”
I allowed her to guide me onto my back. As she took total control of my body, she sat herself down hard onto me and began to ride. I reached up and firmly squeezed both of her large round breasts into my hands. Damn she felt good, how the hell did I live all of these weeks without having all of her.
The Boy Who Knew Me When (From Boys to men Trilogy) Page 15
