Hawke's Game

by Natasha West

  ‘And no, we don’t want a threesome with you, before you ask.’

  He wasn’t put off.

  ‘OK, you’ve got me, that’s exactly what I was going to ask. But maybe you should reconsider? I’m pretty awesome in bed, and there’s plenty of me to go around…’

  It wasn’t really my argument but I’d had enough of this fool and I interjected, angrily.

  ‘When two women are together, they’re not waiting for you to come and complete the situation. They want you to go away so they can give each other the kind of orgasms you’ve never been able to give a women.’

  Both Julia and the Hipster Guy looked around in amazement. Hipster Guy’s mouth dropped open and he looked back and forth between Julia and me as if he’d only just realised that what he’d thought was cheeky badinage was actually genuine annoyance. He was not the suave playboy here, but a fly in the ointment.

  ‘Alright, keep your knickers on. I was just messing about.’

  And he shuffled off. Julia smirked as he left.

  ‘You really let him have it.’

  I began to feel a bit embarrassed then. Had I taken it too far?

  ‘Yeah, sorry. That was a bit much wasn’t it?’

  She was looking at me like I was a Rubik’s cube and she’d just seen a whole new colour slot into place. Whether she liked the new side of me that she’d seen or not, I liked how it felt to surprise her.

  ‘Not at all. It was quite impressive.’

  I suppressed a grin of pleasure. Julia sat down at a table and I joined her.

  ‘Anyway, it was my fault he wouldn’t leave. I made the classic mistake of telling him I was a lesbian. I should have known better.’

  ‘You’d think that would be quickest way to get rid of him’ I said, bemused.

  ‘You’d think so, wouldn’t you? There must be some idiot’s dictionary I don’t know about that defines lesbian as ‘A woman that’s been waiting for you to show her what she’s missing.’

  We laughed and then her smile dropped a little.

  ‘I’m sorry I referred to you as my girlfriend. I was looking for anything that might make him leave. It really just made it worse though.’

  I shook my head.

  ‘That’s OK. I, uh, I didn’t mind.’

  Things were a bit stilted for a second. Just when we’d got back on track, up jumped our history, making it difficult.

  ‘Anyway, I want to hear more about your book. What made you want to write about time travel?

  ‘Oh, ah, I guess I was thinking about when I first got to Medford. I felt like I didn’t fit. And then when I went home, I wasn’t sure if I fitted in there either anymore. Eventually, that passed and I started to find a place, on my course, new friends, it all started to feel OK. I realised that it can take time to find your place, because you don’t just find it. You make it. But there were times in the first year when I didn’t know that yet. So when it came time to write a book, I wanted to find a bigger way to tell that story. And science fiction has always seemed to me to be a place to tell personal stories on a big canvas. And hey presto, time travel novel.’

  I paused and Julia didn’t say anything. Was that too much information? Had she just been being polite? But then she smiled.

  ‘I was just thinking of that story you wrote in the first year. It had some of the same elements. But that time, you didn’t seem to know that it was about you.’

  I nodded, thinking back to that story. Yes, I’d been in a certain amount of denial about the fact I was writing about myself. It had been a good lesson to learn early on about writing fiction. Always know, even when it’s not immediately obvious, you’re in there somewhere. And it’s a better story for it.

  ‘What about your novel? Are you in it?’

  She looked at me sharply and then she said ‘I didn’t tell you, did I?’

  ‘Tell me what?’

  ‘I probably should have said before now. It’s about my time at Medford.’

  ‘Do you mean..?’

  ‘Yes, the whole thing. Including you.’

  I felt my blood start to rush to my cheeks. A lot of confusing thoughts flooding my brain. Was this good or bad? Should I be flattered that she’d thought me worth including? Should I be angry that she’d used me as fodder?

  ‘Are you upset that you’re in the book? Because it’s not you as such, it’s fiction. I mean, the feelings are real, but the events, the characters, they’re not real. Not quite real, anyway. So you’re in there, but it’s only a version of you. My version of you.’

  ‘I…’

  I paused. I decided that there was only one way I’d know how to feel about it.

  ‘Can I read it?’

  She considered that for a second.

  ‘Yes. It’s only fair, I guess.’

  ‘OK, well, I’ll reserve my comments till I’ve read it then.’

  She nodded and then she sighed.

  ‘You might be the only person who’ll ever read it now.’

  ‘Don’t be silly. You’ll get another book deal, Julia. I’ve got no doubts about that.’

  She went quiet for a second and I wondered what she was thinking right then. She finally smiled.

  ‘The eternal optimist. I’ve always envied that about you.’

  She got out her phone, tapped the screen a few times and put it away again.

  ‘There. It’s in your email.’

  Wow, a book that had me in it as a character. I couldn’t begin to think what I looked like in Julia’s eyes. But now I had a backstage pass to find out.

  Later, we shared a taxi and it dropped me off first at my house. I opened the door to get out but as I did it, it was like the night air acted as an alcohol exaggerator. And as I went to get out of the taxi, I tripped on the lip of the doorway and fell clear out of the car.

  Julia jumped out to help me up.

  ‘God, I’m an idiot.’

  ‘Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Here.’

  She held out her hand and I grabbed onto it and she hoisted me to my feet. But as I stood, I suddenly realised our faces were inches apart and everything we’d said about being friends, everything I’d told myself about how I felt about her now, it vanished in a second. I had an impulse, more than an impulse, it was a very strong urge. I wanted to grab Julia and pull her those last few inches and kiss her passionately. Then I wanted to take her to my room, rip all her clothes off, kiss every inch of her beautiful body. And for those few seconds, I didn’t care what the consequences would be.

  I felt myself begin to lean forward, pulled toward Julia…

  HONK!

  The taxi driver had hit his horn impatiently, breaking the moment. Suddenly my rational brain kicked back in and said ‘Penny, what are you doing?!’ and I was able to reign the feelings in. I couldn’t think how to get past how weird I was probably making this moment so I stuck out my hand for a handshake. Julia looked at it like she was going to laugh. I decided to make a joke of it.

  ‘Goodnight, Miss Hawke’ I said, in a prim Jane Austen character style.

  She went with it, taking my hand for a brief shake and saying ‘Goodnight, Miss Stone.’

  And she turned and got back in the taxi. As the car drove off, I let out an audible sigh of relief. If that taxi driver hadn’t broken the moment, what might I have done?

  I woke up the next day with a moderate hangover. As I thought about the previous night, I tried not to think of its ending. It had just been a blip, that’s all. A crazy blip. But all in all, the evening had been fun. In fact, I hadn’t had that much fun since… I tried to think when I’d laughed so much. I couldn’t.

  I remembered that I had Julia’s book to read. It would have been so easy to pull it up on my phone and start reading it immediately. But for some reason, I didn’t. Perhaps it was vanity, that I didn’t want to read something that made me look foolish. And if there was a chance of that, I wasn’t sure if I should actually read it.

  And anyway, there was work to do. I had today to w
rite and I didn’t want to waste it feeling groggy and sorry for myself. So I swallowed two aspirin with a giant mug of tea and sat down at my desk.

  I started a new chapter heading and I thought about what it would contain, but as it came time to put word beside word, nothing came. It was odd, it had all been going so well the last week. I’d thought this chapter would write itself but I couldn’t quite find the will. It felt like my brains cogs had gotten something caught in them, grinding the whole device to a halt. What was it?

  I had an idea of what it might be, but rather than dwell on it, I went over to the cafeteria to get some breakfast.

  As I was standing in line, trying to think about the book but finding my thoughts going elsewhere, I felt someone grab my shoulders suddenly and I jumped a foot. I turned to see Lucas laughing like an idiot.

  ‘I’ve been shouting you for a million years, you didn’t turn around. Where was your head?’

  I had no intention of answering that question.

  ‘Hey, did I hear you come in at some point in the night? I was half asleep but I swear it was you.’

  ‘You know my motto, in bed by midnight, home by three.’

  ‘Of course. Another successful exchange of info on Grindr, I presume?’

  He looked a little pink at that and said ‘No, actually, it was a boy from my film studies class.’

  That caught my interest. He wasn’t usually so coy about his conquests.

  ‘That sounds suspiciously like a real date.’

  He made a dismissive noise, but it was not an answer. I was agog.

  ‘Lucas, have you got a boyfriend?! What’s his name? When can I meet him?!’

  ‘Woah! Take it easy, would you? It’s early days.’

  I was the one laughing idiotically now, my delight was total.

  ‘Oh my god, Lucas ‘sex is practically a sport’ Perry has gotten himself a boyfriend. I love it’ I said, clapping my hands in glee.

  ‘Keep it down, would you? I’ve got a rep to protect as campus stud, for Christ sakes.’

  ‘Does your boyfriend know about this rep?’

  He looked a bit worried at that.

  ‘Oh god. I hope not.’

  That was when I knew it was serious. Lucas had never given a damn what anyone thought of him and now I could see him visibly sweating over what this new guy might think.

  ‘Let me get something to eat and then I’m going to grill you over every detail of this young man.’

  Lucas sighed and sloped over to his table, the wind fully taken out of his sails.

  I picked up an egg sandwich and joined him. My cheeks had yet to hit the seat and I was already asking for a name.

  ‘I’ll tell you a few details if you promise to take it easy on me.’

  ‘Agreed. Name?’

  ‘Sam.’

  ‘And how did this love affair happen.’

  ‘Nobody said anything about love. And it happened when he was editing my film.’

  ‘And that turned to romance?’

  ‘Actually, it turned to a lot of arguing. We kept disagreeing. Over everything. I thought he was a dick. But then when the film was finished, I actually kind of missed fighting with him. So I asked him out. I was sure he was going to say no but he just said ‘I thought you’d never ask.’

  I smiled. I had no intention of mocking Lucas any further, I was just happy that he’d found someone who would stand up to him. Luc had what you’d call a ‘strong personality’. People tended to go along with what he wanted, me included. But I could tell that Sam would give him a run for his money and that was probably what Lucas liked about him. I was happy for him.

  ‘Hey, weren’t you having a ‘friendsy’ dinner with Julia Hawke last night?’

  I was jolted by the mention of her name.

  ‘You don’t have to keep calling her by her full name like that.’

  He said ‘dinner with Julia’ to himself, like he was trying it out and then he shook his head.

  ‘No, doesn’t sound right, too basic. It’s all I can do not to refer to her as ‘The Infamous Julia Hawke’ every time we talk about her. Count yourself lucky I’m just sticking to her full name. So anyway, let’s get the headlines on last night. You’ve had mine, it’s only fair, Stone.’

  I shrugged.

  ‘It was nice.’

  He squinted at me in suspicion.

  ‘Nice like an ice cream, or nice like an orgasm?’

  That made me blush a little.

  ‘Neither! Nice like, we had a nice evening.’

  ‘Did you talk over ‘old times’?

  ‘Not really. I mean, a little bit. It came up. Not in detail…’

  Lucas put his hands up.

  ‘OK, I’m stopping you there. You’re trying not to tell me something, I can tell. It’s the classic Penny babble.’

  ‘Do I do that? I don’t think I do that. I know I can be a bit talkative, perhaps a little loquacious, somewhat verbose, at times, but it’s only because language is my passion. A tendency toward garrulousness is perfectly…’

  ‘Nope, you’re doing it again. What’s up?’

  I sighed. Lucas was going to make me think about the thing I’d been trying desperately not to think about. It was Julia. It was that moment at the end of the night. Even though my brain had been fighting like mad, my mind would not stop taking me back to those irrational few seconds.

  It was crazy to have a thought like that, just as we’d started to become friends. I hoped it had just been alcohol doing what it does.

  ‘Lucas, do you think you can ever truly be friends with an ex?’

  He sighed, considering the questions seriously.

  ‘I think the real question is, do you?’

  I’d wanted to think I could. And Julia was clearly trying hard to make space for me as a friend. I felt like I’d let her down by having these thoughts. The problem was, and I was only beginning to admit this to myself now, just how much I’d missed her. I’d only really started to realise that last night, sitting with her in a restaurant, talking to her, being with her in that way that had always felt so natural between us, and not with anyone else since.

  But we’d tried it once and it hadn’t worked. It would be ridiculous to make the same mistake twice. Especially the second time. Because the second time, you know exactly what mistake you’re making. She’d never wanted a real relationship with me the first time round, not really. That had been the problem. I wasn’t what she’d truly wanted. Even if she’d fallen in love with me at one point, it wasn’t enough for her. No, I wasn’t enough for her, that was closer to the truth. But something, I didn’t know what it was, it drew me to her. And there wasn’t a thing I could do about it. Because I was who I was, and that person still wanted Julia, and that was all I could say about it. It was like I’d been born with this weakness for her and I could no more fight it than I could grow five inches.

  I wasn’t going to be able to be friends with her, I thought sadly. Not without getting my heart broken. Only this time, I’d be breaking my own heart, lusting after someone I couldn’t have and shouldn’t want. I had to break it off before I made it any worse for myself.

  I hoped Julia’s feelings wouldn’t be hurt if I put the brakes on our fledgling friendship, but I wasn’t too worried about her. I was sure she wasn’t having the same intensity of feelings that I was. She had moved on from me, had a serious relationship. It had ended, but the fact of its existence told me everything I needed to know about how she probably saw me now. Her recent girlfriend had been a real adult, a doctor for crying out loud. I was just a broke student and wannabe writer. I couldn’t compete and I didn’t want to go down the road of trying to. Every way I looked at it and every fresh thought I had about it was telling me ‘This can’t be, it won’t be. Leave it alone’

  And I had to listen.

  Chapter Fourteen

  It was an hour till I needed to leave for my date with Jessica and I was feeling conflicted. I’d been so sure about this before, but as
I sat in front of my mirror, putting the finishing touches to my make-up, I felt something like a war going on inside my head. Should I really seduce this woman in order to get information that would destroy my rival?

  It had all seemed so clear to me a few days ago, and the execution of the plan had appeared to go so smoothly, it had seemed to confirm that I knew exactly what I was doing. But now, it was different. And it had changed because of last night.

  It had seemed like things were going fine with our platonic evening at first. It felt as though we had dealt with the awkwardness of the past early on and maybe we could make it work. And then something had happened, something impossible to ignore. A moment that slapped me around the face and told me in no uncertain terms that I was fooling myself if I thought I could be friends with Penny Stone.

  It had happened at the end of the night. We shared a taxi home and it had dropped Penny off first. As she had gotten out, she’d caught her foot and tripped out of the car. I’d gotten out to help her up. And as I pulled her to her feet, I’d felt the tip of her nose brush against mine and something like an eruption had taken place inside me. I’d felt heat in my cheeks and a dizziness in my head. My heart began to pound. I’d felt faint. It was like being struck down with a sickness. And unfortunately, I knew exactly what that sickness was. It could only have one source. That feeling, I thought with embarrassment, it had come from being close to Penny. It had practically made me swoon. I could pretend it was the booze, but I knew better.

  I was furious. Because I’d been telling myself a comforting lie so that I could have her in my life, the lie that we could be friends. And now, in the cold light of day, the truth had reared its ugly head and was giving me no choice but to look it in the eye.

  Penny had had a powerful effect on me last night and it was the same effect she’d always had. Perhaps worse, even. Maybe that time apart hadn’t given things time to cool, they’d only let them settle in further, to take deeper root.

  I’d thought my relationship with Lauren would have taken care of those feelings but it was clear to me now that that was not the case. I felt that I really had loved Lauren, but, I could admit the truth to myself now, I hadn’t loved her like Penny. Not even close.