Hawke's Game

by Natasha West

  ‘Well, no. You don’t get a chapter. You take up most of the book.’

  And on that, she stood quickly.

  ‘I better go.’

  She didn’t say goodbye, and neither did I. She almost ran from the café. I just sat there, dumbfounded. Not a word left.

  Chapter Twenty Three

  I was working on the interview, thinking about yesterday. Of all the places I could have gone, why had I chosen that damn café?

  I’d left the café that day and ran down the street like a crazy person. It wasn’t until I was at my car that I stopped. I tried to open the door but I couldn’t seem to get a grip on the handle. I realised I was trembling.

  I took a few deep breaths and then my hand worked well enough to get the wretched door open and I climbed in. I started the car and accidently honked the horn, making myself jerk in my seat. I turned the engine off, realising I was in no fit state to drive.

  ‘Get ahold of yourself, Julia!’ I’d had to actually say to myself. Eventually, I’d managed to get home in one piece. The second I’d reached home, I’d gotten right to work on my article, not wanting to give an inch of brain space to the fool I’d acted. Since then, I’d stayed busy. After the article was finished, I found myself cleaning the kitchen. I’d finally fallen into bed in the small hours, tired enough to fall to sleep quickly. I was thankful for that.

  And now I was doing some edits on the interview with Stephen. It was a good article, I thought. Every detail was full and complete. He’d left the names of the sex workers out of it, for the sake of not harming their businesses, but apart from that, it had been a total account. He’d really emptied himself out. He’d ended it by saying he fully expected and deserved to go to prison and he would take whatever punishment the courts deemed fair. The poor bastard, I thought. I hoped whatever judge he landed wasn’t tempted to make an example of him.

  I attached the file to an email to Jacob. Then I attached the research notes for Alex. I scribbled a quick note and I was about to hit send, when I stopped.

  I knew what it was. Penny. Seeing her in that café, the place where we’d gone after she’d spend the night with me, I felt dismantled once again. Why did this have to keep happening? Why the hell couldn’t we seem to stay out of each other’s way? For a second, I was furious with her sudden reappearance. I felt like I was being mocked. Not by her, but by the universe. Here’s what you want, it seemed to say. Here’s what you can’t have.

  And that’s when I had the thought. I was about to do a bad thing. But why not really commit to it, raise the stakes a little. If I was going to do something wrong, why not do it right?

  Seeing Penny was jarring, but there was no reason it had to alter my course. I was done being a puppet for my feelings. I was still very much on track to destroy Alex, even if it meant a whole lot of trouble for me in the long run. In fact, I was beginning to relish the idea. I’d lied to Jacob. I knew full well she would figure out my part in this. And she’d make me pay, maybe a law suit, maybe something worse. But I took comfort in the idea of mutually assured destruction.

  But if that was what I wanted, now that I was being honest, then why not let Alex really have it? Why not look her right in the eye and tell her I was about to ruin her?

  I emailed the interview to Jacob without the research document and then I got ready, taking my time, wanting to feel strong when I finally faced Alex.

  I arrived at the Murphy House offices as the sun began to set, striding into the reception. A tired looking middle aged woman sat behind the extravagant front desk. She was reading a magazine and didn’t initially notice me. I didn’t try charm this time. I simply put my hand over the magazine and said ‘I need to see Alexandra Murphy. Right now. Tell her Julia is here.’

  The woman looked up at me in surprise and I could see her deciding whether to call security.

  ‘Trust me, she’s gonna want to talk to me.’

  The harassed woman shrugged, no interest in tangling with the furious woman that had just walked in and started throwing her weight around. I couldn’t blame her.

  ‘Fine. Wait there. But if she says no, you go, OK? We don’t need trouble.’

  ‘There’ll be no trouble for you, you have my word on that.’

  She made the call and I watched as she muttered my request, along with my name. There was a pause while she waited for the answer. Then she said ‘Alright, Miss Murphy’ and hung up. She looked at me apprehensively.

  ‘She says go right in. She’s been expecting you.’

  ‘I bet she has.’

  The woman shook her head, her role in this was now over and she wanted to get back to her magazine.

  ‘She’s on the top floor, end of the hall.’

  She buzzed me through the security gate and I took the long lift ride, all the way to the top.

  The top floor was where the bigwigs were kept, and it was obvious. But I wasn’t in the mood to appreciate the expensive décor. I strode right up to the door at the end and knocked.

  ‘Come in, Julia.’

  I opened the door to a smug Alex. She was sitting behind a large ornate desk.

  ‘What took you so long? Come in and sit down.’

  The arrogance was infuriating. It made me want to forget the confrontation, possibly just throw a chair through her window. The urge was mercifully brief. I didn’t want to lose my temper here. I just wanted to wipe that smile off her face, whilst keeping as much of my dignity as I was allowed to, given the circumstances.

  I sat down in the chair.

  ‘I liked your book, by the way. I gather it’s based on real events?’

  I tried to maintain my poise.

  ‘Yes, it is.’

  ‘Then I guess you haven’t changed much.’

  ‘No, maybe not. You either.’

  ‘Oh, I don’t know. Things are pretty different from where I’m sitting. I’m not a housewife anymore, that’s for sure.’

  ‘Were you ever really that, Alex? You never really seemed suited to it, from what I remember. Hardly a pinny-wearing drudge, were you?’

  That amused her.

  ‘No, I suppose not.’

  ‘Still, I’m not sure where you would be now, if it wasn’t for Granddaddy.’

  It was a cheap shot. But effective. Her smile faltered.

  ‘Well, I realise I’m no professor, but I haven’t slept my way through the company so I think I can consider that a win. And I still have my job.’

  ‘Well, it’s funny you should say that. Because I’m not sure how long you will once this goes public.’

  I took a sheaf of papers out of my bag and tossed them across the desk. After Georgia had pointed me in the right direction, it hadn’t been too difficult to dig up a paper trail, find the right people to talk to. Alex picked up the papers, and I thought she looked a little paler than usual. She probably knew what was in them without having to read, but she looked at them anyway.

  It had been a decade of the most cut throat corporate treachery imaginable for Alex. Accounts of blackmail, bribes and general malfeasance littered Alex’s corporate climb. Murphy House was filthy with it. All there if you knew where to look. And thanks to Georgia, I did. She’d pointed me to some old associates who’d been silenced a long time ago, when they’d had more to lose, but now, in simpler times and in exchange for a guarantee that they wouldn’t be named, had agreed to blow the whistle. Alex had not been well liked in the company and people’s grudges had been growing for a long time. This scandalous pot had been boiling for years and I’d come along at the perfect moment. No one wanted to see her take CEO above better, more decent candidates. And now was her weak moment. It had practically been easy once I’d started poking around.

  She read the file completely before she looked up at me with a sneer.

  ‘So what?’

  She threw the papers back across the desk.

  ‘So what?’ I laughed. ‘That’s not just a spanner in your promotion, there could be criminal charges. But you’re
not worried?’

  ‘No. You think someone doesn’t prepare for this when they’re about to get the job I’m getting? I’m protected. There are people who will take the blame for all this. And they’ll be well compensated for it. I’ve got eight subordinates that will share this out between them. They’ll lose reputation, yes, but no prison time. No charges will be brought, because we’re too big to take apart at this point. The world turns on us, financially speaking. So, if anyone comes calling about this, wanting answers, they’ll pretty much eat up the story we give them. No conspiracies, no grand villains, just a corporate culture attributable to the last generation. Which will not include my grandfather, by the way. No, the Murphy name will come out of this whiter than white. My god, we’re practically the heroes of this tale. So leak it if you want, it will only strengthen me. I’ll be a champion of justice, keeping this company afloat, bringing it into the light as my grandfather before me tried to do.’

  I sat back, stunned. I had to admit, if it was a bluff, it was a good one.

  ‘So, if you don’t mind, I’ve got work to do. Close the door behind you.’

  She spun her chair around to face the window. And I knew she was telling the truth. Because people like Alex, they always win. The game is always rigged in their favour. It was over. I’d been to hell and back to take her down, but she’d beaten me anyway. I stood up to leave.

  Then it occurred to me that I still had something that could hurt her. In my mind, I thought of how I might say it.

  ‘I slept with Jessica, you know. And I don’t know how bad it is to be married to you but sweet Jesus, she was grateful for every second of it. She couldn’t get enough.’

  The words were in my mouth, ready to go. I knew it would break her haughty composure to hear that I’d had her wife. I’d probably get a pretty good tantrum out of it. It wasn’t what I’d really wanted, but it might do as a substitution.

  What stopped me was Jessica. It would bring utter hell down on her shoulders and I couldn’t do that. Whatever stage she was at with the divorce, confirmed infidelity would weaken her position terribly. And thinking about Jessica and Lauren and Penny, and all the women I’d been with who’d been too good for me, I began to lose my taste for all this.

  Because sitting across from this cold woman who destroyed those she loved, I felt myself reflected back. Did people look at me the way I looked at Alex? Did all the girls, including Alex herself, that had wanted my love only to get nothing, had they felt this way? Those girls that had trashed me in the press, I’d thought them petty. But I was here to do the same. To get what little revenge I could on someone who’d taken something from me, something I cared about. It was a moment of sobering clarity. I was suddenly glad I hadn’t gotten what I wanted.

  And with that thought, I was done with the whole thing.

  ‘Alex?’

  She turned to face me.

  ‘Why are you still here?’

  ‘Because I need to say something to you. I need to tell you that I’m sorry.’

  She burst out laughing, in surprise and anger. She cupped her ear sarcastically.

  ‘You’re what? Sorry? Seriously? Do you think that’s enough to get me to change my mind and print your damn book? Now that you can’t get your payback?’

  She didn’t want my apology. But I didn’t care. I’d done some bad things to get to this point and I was going to do a semi decent thing if it killed me, even though there was nothing in it for me. I couldn’t come out of this situation clean, I knew that. But I could try to shake off the worst of the dirt.

  ‘No. I don’t care about any of that right now. My writing career can’t be worth all this chaos. And you don’t own everything, I could still find a way to get the book published if I try hard enough. No, I’m just sorry. I was careless with you. And it wasn’t about you. I really did like you. But I was young and selfish, that’s all.’

  Her face began to burn a deep red with rage.

  ‘You think this is about a heartbreak? No, Julia. That was the tip of the iceberg. My ex-husband went straight to my parents, told them about my new ‘girlfriend’. Guess what came next? They disowned me. Only my grandfather still wanted anything to do with me. He was the only one who didn’t care about my sexuality. He took me in, taught me the business, gave me something else. And I’ve rebuilt from that, but all that pain, it can’t be fixed with a sorry.’

  She turned her eyes away from me then.

  ‘Yes, I loved you and yes, you broke my heart. But what you did had bigger consequences.’

  I was shocked. I felt genuinely sorry for Alex. It was an awful thing to have happened to her. But nothing I could ever have foreseen.

  ‘I couldn’t possibly have known that would happen, Alex. ’

  ‘You didn’t care what happened to me. You got what you wanted and left.’

  ‘I did care. I just cared a lot more about myself. Same as you. You walked away from your marriage, because you saw else something you wanted.’

  She didn’t say anything to that.

  ‘Go ahead and punish me, Alex. That’s alright. I’ll take whatever you’ve got to give.’

  And I walked out, throwing Alex’s file into a bin as I left.

  Chapter Twenty Four

  I’d been sitting in my room for the last half hour, a pile of printed pages on my desk. Julia’s book. I was having quite the row with myself.

  ‘Read it, what harm can it do?’ said Penny One.

  ‘What harm can it do? Are you crazy?!’ replied Penny Two.

  I felt that whatever decision I made, it had to be eternal. I either read it today or threw it away, never to look at it.

  Here was the problem. Julia had told me that I was a big part of the book and of course, I was wildly curious. But what did that mean exactly? How had she painted me? She’d practically run from that café once she’d mentioned it. That wasn’t a good sign. It probably meant that it was a very unflattering portrait.

  And then it occurred to me that if it was, maybe that could be a positive thing. I was trying to get over Julia. And part of the reason I was trying to do that was because I knew I didn’t mean as much to her as she did to me. And everything that had happened since had confirmed it. She’d just continued on; dating, having the time of her life. Perhaps if I knew, really knew, how she saw me, it might help in some way. It would hurt like hell, but it might help me to accept that she’d never really been mine, and never would. It wasn’t going to be fresh news to me, but sometimes there’s a difference between knowing something in your heart and being walloped over the head with it for solid fact. It could make things simpler. I began to edge toward reading it.

  And then I tried to imagine picking up those pages and actually reading them. Examining the prose, pulling meanings from things that didn’t have any inherent significance, misunderstanding things that did. The thought was upsetting and fatiguing.

  That made my decision for me. I’d tried to use my head to make my choice, but it didn’t have the power of the heavy, anxious feeling in my gut.

  I picked up the pages, dropped them in my wastepaper bin and sat back down. And then I sat staring at the bin for six whole minutes.

  ‘Enough!’ I yelled at myself. I picked up the bin and pulled the bin liner out of it, tying it up. I took the bag and left my room, ran down the stairs, out the front door and right up to the large bin. I threw it in quickly.

  And then I stood staring at that bin for another half a minute.

  ‘For god’s sakes!’ I screamed. I heard a cough behind me and I spun around. Lucas was staring at me from the street, having walked up behind without me noticing. He was trying to mask a look of concern.

  ‘You alright, Stone?’

  ‘Fine.’

  ‘Then why do you seem to be angry with that bin?’

  I groaned in infuriation.

  ‘It’s not the bin, it’s the contents.’

  ‘Yeah...?’

  I didn’t want to talk about it. I was sick o
f talking about this. I just wanted to go upstairs and delete the book file from my computer in a way that couldn’t be reversed. I’d need a certain type of security program and I thought I knew of one that promised to utterly disintegrate files so that it was practically impossible to recreate them…

  ‘Stone! What the hell’s going on?’

  Lucas broke my contemplative trance.

  ‘It’s Julia’s damn book, that’s all. Don’t worry about it. I’m not!’

  And I stomped back into the house, leaving him standing on the street. I wasn’t too worried about the fact I’d acted like an unhinged lunatic in front of him. I’d apologise later. After I’d calmed down. And after I’d gotten this file off my laptop for good.

  I found the program I’d been looking for and fed the file in, watching it reach ten percent, then fifty percent and up to a hundred. And it was gone.

  The next morning, I awoke to the sound of a rubbish collection taking place loudly in front of the house. Ordinarily, the noisy bin men would have angered me, having ripped me from my sleep before seven. But this morning, I was grateful for it. Because it meant it was over. I could never read the book. I didn’t know how I felt about that in the long run, but right now I was relieved that that particular torment had been lifted from my soul.

  I decided to get up and start my day. I had a hot shower, got dressed and came back to my room. I opened my laptop, ready to get back into my novel. But I had a writing ritual and I realised there was something missing from it. A hot cup of tea.

  I went downstairs and it was still a little dark, so I flicked on the kitchen light. I almost screamed.

  Lucas was sitting at the kitchen table, in the near dark. God knows how long he’d been there, but he reacted like a mole to the sudden light, blinking at me in shock.

  ‘Jesus, what time is it?’

  ‘It’s almost seven. What the hell are you doing in here?’

  ‘I was just…’

  He didn’t finish the sentence. And then I looked at the table in front of him. I was immediately furious. A pile of white pages was sat in front of him. He’d been reading Julia’s book.