Forgiving Patience

by Jennifer Simpkins

  Her own mood was a combination of jitters and concern about what the others would think about her and Jake showing up together. She knew that the town was already buzzing at the knowledge of him having spent a couple nights at her place. They could put two and two together and figure out what was going on behind closed doors.

  She still didn’t know what she and Jake were doing, but did know it was destined to be short-lived. After the wedding was over and after making sure her house was ready to be sold, she would be heading back to Linden—not accomplishing everything she needed to. Her bad dreams were more frequent, but that was to be expected with her being back where the nightmare began. Patience was a trigger point for her. But she was making it through them. With the exception of last night, she was handling them pretty well.

  She’d expected more anxiety, but it wasn’t there. Of course, she hadn’t been at her house very much. But the few times she had, she didn’t panic and run out of the door screaming. The memories were still fresh, but her emotions about her past were different than she had expected. It was like she didn’t care anymore. She felt sorry for that six-year-old girl who had to live through the traumatic experiences, but the twenty-nine-year-old woman was starting to move on the best she could. Anna wasn’t naive about her situation, though. It was still going to be a tough road ahead of her, and she was sure it always would be, but she was doing it.

  They pulled up at the church where the wedding would be taking place. Jake jumped out of the truck and rushed to open her door before she could do it herself. She had to admit, he sure was charming.

  “You ready for this?” Jake asked.

  “I guess. You know people are going to stare and whisper.”

  “Probably. But there’s no reason to. It’s not like we’re on a date.”

  “What? This is our third—and final date. We agreed. I had dinner with you, went to watch a baseball game, and now I came here with you.”

  “We just happened to show up here together. You had to be here. I had to be here. Therefore, it isn’t considered a date. When we go on a date, I’d like to have you all to myself, not share you with half the town.”

  “You’re impossible, you know that?”

  “I’m just playing by the rules, sweetness…just playing by the rules.” He kissed her on the nose for good measure, and she couldn’t help but smile. Reaching over her, he opened the glove box and pulled out a small box. “I got you this.”

  “What is it?”

  “Open it.”

  She pulled the lid off of the box. “You got me a new, blue iPod. I thought you would’ve forgotten about this by now.”

  “After you left that night we were at the track, I went back to where I thought you might’ve dropped it. You were right. It was broken. I told you I would buy you a new one. I’m just making good on my promise.”

  “Thank you, Jake. I love it” And she did. It meant even more to her because he remembered making her the promise. She showed him just as much by giving him a big, open mouthed kiss.

  * * * *

  “Anna, why haven’t you come over for lunch, missy?”

  Anna turned her back on the cheese and cracker tray to find Mrs. Bradshaw tapping an impatient high heel on the indoor/outdoor carpet.

  Anna instantly reached over to give Em’s mother a big hug. The older woman returned the hug and held on a little tighter. She was like a second mother to Anna, and Anna felt truly bad for not calling and setting up a visit with her and Em’s father.

  “You look lovely like always, Mrs. Bradshaw,” Anna complimented.

  “Thanks, girlie, but that doesn’t help you any. I still want to know why you haven’t come by the house. My daughter is demanding, but I know she hasn’t kept you that busy, has she?”

  “Well, I have been busy with Em, along with other things.”

  “I can see that.”

  Following the woman’s gaze, Anna could see she was looking in Jake’s direction. Leaning against a wall, he was cutting up with Tommy. As if he knew they were looking, he cut his eyes at them and gave a wink. He wore light khaki pants, casual brown shoes, and a springy blue polo that brought out the sapphire in his eyes. She went wet in places she had no right being wet in while in a church.

  “I see the way that boy looks at you. Not to mention all the time y’all have been spending together. I haven’t seen him look so happy in years. I see hope and love in his eyes. And that is a wonderful thing to have.

  “You’re mistaken. Jake and I are just friends. We’ve only been spending time together because he’s been holding my house hostage. That’s it. If he looks happy, it’s all him, and it has nothing to do with me.”

  “For your sake, child, I hope you don’t tell yourself that too long, because it would be a shame to miss out on love. And that boy loves you.”

  With that, the older woman was gone, leaving Anna to stare at the cheese. Holding on to the counter, Anna took a deep breath in and let it out slowly.

  Love?

  There was no way Jake loved her. Falling in love was not part of the deal. She’d agreed to the three dates and that was it—no love was included. Well, she couldn’t forget about the amazing sex they’d been having. That wasn’t part of the deal either, but sex was just sex. She was an adult who was having big-girl sex with an amazing lover. Nothing more.

  No. There was no way he loved her. That was impossible.

  “What’s up?”

  She was so inside her head that she hadn’t noticed Jake leave his wall and walk over to grab her hand off the counter. She was forced to use his steadiness to hold herself up.

  “What are you thinking about?” He bent down to peer into her eyes.

  “What?”

  “You’ve got that line running across your forehead. What’s going on?”

  With a wave of a hand, she tried assuring him, “Oh, it’s nothing.”

  “You sure about that?”

  He rubbed the top of her hand with the ball of his thumb. It was endearing, and at any other time she would’ve found it a turn-on. Right now…not so much. She was beginning to think everything concerning Jake was a turn-on for her.

  “Yes, I’m sure. I would know if something was wrong with me.”

  “Fine. I’ll let it drop for now, but you will tell me what’s bothering you.”

  “I’m sick of you telling me what to do and making choices for me. I don’t need you.”

  His scowl deepened. “That’s not what you said last night.”

  Her cheeks flushed, and she was exploding inside. She wanted to yell and throw the cheese platter in his tanned face. But instead she stood there frozen to the carpet. He was right. She had said she needed him last night. But he was taking it out of context. Yes, she needed him, but only for sex. That was it.

  “Now slow down. I don’t know why you’re trying to pick a fight with me, but if you don’t want to make a scene here, I suggest you take it back a notch and wait to discuss it until we get back home.”

  He removed his hand, and she missed it being there. She couldn’t tell him why she was so mad all of a sudden, because she didn’t know herself. The emotion had snuck up on her and turned her once happy spirit to rage within minutes. She wasn’t deliberately trying to hurt him, but the words just started to flood out of her mouth. They were words that represented more than just their face value. There was more she wanted…needed to say, but this was not the time or place to do it. So, she held her tongue.

  * * * *

  When he pulled up to the apartment and switched off the motor, Jake reached for his door handle.

  “There’s no reason for you to come in,” Anna said dryly.

  Ignoring her request, he got out of the truck and started making his way to the front door. This time he didn’t even attempt to help her out. “Well, here goes,” she muttered, while carefully jumping from the truck.

  She turned the knob, but then remembered Jake had locked it before they left. Picking the key she needed, she
let them inside. He allowed her to enter before him, but only so he could slam the door after he walked into the room.

  She didn’t even have time to set her purse down before he demanded, “You’re going to damn well tell me what’s going on.”

  Anna set down her purse, took out her earrings, and kicked the high heels off her aching feet. “I don’t have to tell you anything.”

  With his arms crossed, he leaned himself up against the back of the couch. “I think you do. When we left here earlier tonight, you were fine…great, even. Then sometime between then and the rehearsal dinner, something happened. And I think I deserve to know why I was the target.”

  “I’ll tell you again—I don’t have to tell you anything.” She turned her back on him; walking eagerly to the bathroom. She couldn’t face him, not yet.

  Before she could switch on the bathroom light, he had a grip on her arm, yanking her so she was facing him.

  “Let me go!” she demanded, trying to squirm out of his tight hold.

  She was very tempted to spit in his face. “Jake, you’re hurting me. Please let go,” she pleaded, her voice a little softer this time.

  “Not until you tell me what’s going on with you. And I don’t want to hear I’m fine or nothing is wrong, because I damn well know something is up. I’ve been around you long enough to see that much.”

  But even with his voice sounding harsher than she’d ever heard it and his hand tightly holding her arm, she was not even for a second scared of him. Everything she knew about him and what they’d shared over the past weeks—or even before then—told her he would never do anything to actually bring physical harm to her. And just her recognizing that, was big.

  “You know nothing when it comes to me.”

  “Honey, I know more than you think. We have a history, and you’re forgetting that not only have we spent lots of time together, but we have shared a bed for the last couple nights. Sex can bring people closer.”

  “Maybe for others, but for me, it’s just sex. Nothing more.”

  “I don’t believe that for a second. You’re not the type who can make love and not feel something. I think you feel more than you want, and it scares the shit out of you.”

  “Like I said earlier, I don’t need you, so if you can please let go of my arm and leave.”

  He let go of her arm, and she thought he was turning to leave, but instead he walked over to the open window and stared into the darkness that surrounded the apartment. She guessed he didn’t want to show her how much her words hurt him. And she knew they did, especially if he did in fact love her. Maybe that was why she’d said them.

  She sat on the edge of the bed, head down, looking at nothing in particular.

  He loved her? How had this happened? Mrs. Bradshaw had to be mistaken. Maybe Jake just liked having her around, but didn’t actually feel anything more. It could be that she was just a warm body to wake up to.

  He raked an impatient hand through his hair and turned from the window to glare at her. “You know, Anna, I’m getting fucking tired of you telling me that. You might not want to need me, but you do.”

  “How so?” she spat.

  “For starters, you needed me to fix your run-down place. It wasn’t selling because you don’t have the time or skill to put the work into it—”

  “You egotistical jerk, I didn’t ask for your help.”

  “Don’t interrupt. You needed me to show you what is so great about Patience and what you’ll be missing when you leave again. You need me to give you multiple orgasms. You need me to be there when you have your nightmares…should I go on, or is that enough proof?”

  This was her life. No man was going to take that away from her. But she had a problem. She needed Jake, and it was nice to having someone to lean on.

  “I don’t want to need you. I don’t want any man to take care of me.” She was mad that her voice came out weaker.

  “Dammit, Anna, that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. I know all about women rule the world and all that shit, but everybody needs somebody to lean on—and love. There’s nothing wrong with needing those things. Why are you making things so difficult?”

  “Do you love me?” She didn’t really want the answer, but couldn’t stop the question from just freely flowing out of her mouth.

  “Yes.” He just said it so simply and with conviction. She knew when he said it he meant it with his whole heart.

  Crap. Now, what am I supposed to do?

  He moved to where she was sitting, bent his knees, sank down in front of her, and covered her hands with his own. When she turned her head from him, he pinched her chin with his thumb and index finger and turned it back so she was facing him.

  “I love you, Anna Lynn Kelly. This is not how it was supposed to come out, but you give me no choice. I think I’ve loved you since we were sixteen, and after everything went to hell, I don’t think I’ve ever recovered and stopped loving you. I know that I need you, Anna.”

  “You don’t know me. You can’t love me.”

  “I will be the judge of that.”

  Not believing her ears she said, “You just can’t…it’s impossible.”

  “Anna, I love the way you don’t take shit from anyone—including myself. I love the way your butt fills out your jeans. I love the way you tremble when I run my hands down your milky skin. I love the way you yell out my name when you’re about to come. I love that you’re also so brave. Something happened here a decade ago, something that still haunts you, but you faced it, and you came home anyway for your best friend. And call me selfish, but I love the way you make me feel alive. When I wake up in the morning I smile because most likely I will see you that day, and I love the fact that you haven’t had many lovers, and I get to be your last.”

  “How do you know I haven’t had many lovers?”

  “Because you shy away from sex even though I know you harbor a fire deep inside of you. You don’t like to talk about it, and most of the time you like to be in control. Not that I’m complaining, the sex with you is over the top, and I hope to keep having it with you for the rest of our lives.”

  “You’re crazy. You would have to be to think that you will be my last. And you have no right to say that I’m shy about sex. I thought I was doing pretty well, considering.”

  “You are. You’re wild and passionate, and I love to be inside of you. But I can tell something keeps you a step back. You put guards up, and I can’t seem to enter. When I wanted to go down on you, you wouldn’t let me. You shut down when the talk of sex comes up, but you don’t mind the sex. And you’ve had nightmares the few times you’ve been in my arms. Not so much like last night when I got here, but sometimes when I watch you sleep after we make love, I can see you’re scared of something. I just can’t figure that part of you out.”

  Tears filled her eyes. No one had ever said anything so loving to her in all her life. And what surprised her most was that he truly recognized her faults. He saw most of her and he loved her for it. How would he feel if he knew the rest of her past? Would he still feel the same way? What if he knew why she shied away from all things relating to sex, especially about him putting his mouth between her thighs, and the reason for the nightmares? God, he knew so much about her. How did that happen? When did she allow that to happen?

  He took his thumb and caught a tear before it slid down her cheek.

  “You can’t feel this way. It’s only been two weeks,” she said.

  “That’s the mystery of love. It just sneaks up on you, and you can’t do anything about it. And I’ve loved you most of my life…that to me, is not too fast.”

  “Jake, I can’t do this with you. It’s too soon, and I’m leaving Patience.”

  “You can trust me, Anna. Please tell me what’s going.” He begged for her to talk to him, and tell him the secret she’d been carrying all of her adult life. Hell—not just her adult life, but most of her childhood. The secret that stole her innocence. If she told him, things would change
dramatically. Forever.

  “I can’t.” More tears started to fall. He went into the bathroom and brought back a wad of toilet paper. She wiped away the falling tears, sniffling at the same time.

  “You can, Anna. It’s just me, Jake. The boy you once loved, and maybe still do, even if you don’t want to believe it. I will not hurt you again.

  I know what it feels like to bottle up your emotions. Before too long, they will swallow you up, and you will lose yourself to them. I would hate to see that happen to you even more than it already has. I would hate to see you not smile or laugh or just live your life because of the walls you surround yourself with.”

  He stood from his kneeling position. Sitting beside her on the bed, he took her hands, pulling her to face him. Looking into his eyes, she could see concern, and what she guessed was love. It hit her that he really loved her. She didn’t know how it was possible, but there was no mistaking the softness of his expression when he stared into her eyes.

  Silence fell between them, but his eyes never left hers. “It’s too hard, Jake.”

  “I can see that, baby. I’m right here, though. You can fall on me. I’m here for you, and you just have to start believing that.”

  “I do.”

  “Then you can tell me anything. I’m not going anywhere. I thought I proved that when you told me about the depression and sleeping meds.”

  Anna could feel her defenses weaken. She was emotionally drained and could feel the hold she’d wrapped her emotions in slip. Before she knew it, she heard herself say, “I don’t know where to start.”

  He slid his thumb over the top of her hand. It was endearing and comforting. “Why don’t you start from the beginning? Why did you break up with me and leave town?”

  Her heart did a freefall. She remembered that day too well, and it broke her heart every time she thought of it.