Jacked

by Tina Reber

  Everything happened all at once—the ringing in my ears from the concussion of the flash bang grenade, the rising white smoke billowing out from my dining room, a blur of bodies and angered shouts. Years of training took over, moving me through the melee, though my singular focus of taking the suspect out of the equation warred with the underlying burn of getting to Erin.

  The high-pitched scream broke through the air, followed by the trail of the tip of her weapon rising through the air.

  “Lower your weapon!” I shouted, praying that she’d listen but instinctively knowing it was all too late. There’s only one outcome when you point a loaded gun at the police.

  Long brown hair swirled in the air and then an officer was upon her, taking her down into the wall behind them. The distinct crack of gunfire pierced through all other sounds, sending a blaze of white-hot fire through my lower leg.

  The register of pain was instant, and blistered around immediate anger and regret as I fell down to my knee. My gun hit the ground, still wrapped in my fingers.

  Kara struggled while several officers rushed her, pinning her face first to the floor. That’s when I noticed a pair of bare feet and toes that appeared a shade of red too dark to be normal.

  Erin.

  Her body was hidden from my view, blocked by the wall dividing the living and dining rooms, and partially covered by an overturned end table and broken lamp. Blood was splattered and streaked on the white paint above her.

  I holstered my weapon and held my breath through the blast of pain that throbbed up into my knee and through my thigh.

  She wasn’t moving.

  Kara was writhing, her teeth gnashing at the officers subduing her.

  I threw my broken lamp aside, trying to get to my feet and move the table that covered her, but my leg refused to hold my weight.

  Erin was so still.

  I fought through the agony and crawled over to her side, only to have it become insurmountable. Erin’s face was pale and lax. Blood dripped out of her nose and down her cheek. It soaked into her shirt and pooled on the floor around her.

  Oh, baby. Please, God. No.

  “Aw, no. Baby… no.”

  Erin.

  I couldn’t breathe.

  Couldn’t breathe.

  A sob choked off the last of my air.

  My love.

  My heart.

  I cradled her limp body in my arms.

  “Erin! Baby, please. Oh, God. Please. Please don’t leave me. No, baby. Wake up. Please, baby. Wake up.”

  I’d done this.

  I’d caused this.

  This was all my fault.

  “Sweetheart. Please—”

  I’d give my life for hers in a heartbeat.

  I moved the hair stuck to her cheek, lost in the agony.

  She was so still; so pale.

  I knew I’d never see her beautiful smile again.

  The realization was too much.

  Without her, I was dead inside.

  Dead.

  Right then and there my heart shattered into a million pieces.

  EVERY TIME I tried to surface, the nothing pulled me back under. It was black and heavy and settled deep within my bones. I tried to swim to the top a few times, to break the surrounding darkness enveloping me, but whenever my fingertips breached the edge, the nothing swallowed me back down.

  My first thoughts were murky, as though I’d just woken up from my worst night of drinking, making even the simplest realizations difficult to wade through.

  Something was stuck to my nose.

  The air was cool.

  I couldn’t feel my body.

  The nothing pulled me back into the dark.

  “Adam, can you wake up for me?”

  Hmm?

  My head felt as though it weighed eighty pounds. I wanted to sit up, but sleep was so much better.

  A steady beep, beep, beep echoed about.

  So sleepy.

  Paper crumbled. Women spoke.

  Something loud scraped across the floor.

  A male voice spoke to a female voice.

  They were talking about me. I wanted them to shut up and let me sleep.

  Something kept brushing over my scalp.

  “Honey, can you hear me? Open your eyes.”

  It was hard to focus.

  The light hurt my eyes.

  Bright.

  “Hi, Son.”

  Mom?

  My mother smiled at me. “Doctor said everything went well.”

  “I just…” The ceiling was too bright.

  Where am I? What?

  She kept petting my head. “You just want what?”

  I wanted to go back to the nothing. I didn’t hurt in the nothing. “…just wanna sleep.”

  My father’s face invaded my view. His hair was whiter than I’d remembered. Things were different in this dream. “You’re old.”

  His eyes crinkled. “You boys made me this way.”

  I tried to move but the pain stopped me. “Ow. What? What happened?”

  My mom rested her hand on my arm. “Try to keep still. Doctors had to put a pin in your leg, but they said that everything went well and you’ll be good as new in no time.”

  Something was wrong with her smile. Pins in my what? A warm, throbbing burn began to pulse in my leg. I hated feeling this doped.

  The light was still too bright.

  I’d been shot.

  I remembered now.

  Memories brought pain.

  Erin.

  Realizations started slamming into each other, followed by the crushing weight of dread.

  So much blood.

  I needed to get up, but I had zero muscle control.

  “Where’s Erin?”

  My mother’s indulging smile all but vanished.

  “Where is she?”

  “Calm down, sweetheart. You need to relax.”

  “Mom, don’t fuckin’… Where is she?”

  My dad gave me a stern look. “Hey. There’s no need to curse at your mother.”

  I knew better, I did, but I just didn’t give a shit. There was no way to control the avalanche of panic.

  “Mom, please… Tell me where she is. Please, Mom.”

  “I don’t know, Adam.” She glanced over at my dad—the two of them communicating in some secret silence.

  I knew the answer, but I didn’t want to face it.

  Her face gave her away.

  No.

  NOOOOOO!

  I remembered now. The gun. The shot. The blood.

  I’d caused this.

  The pain in my leg paled in comparison to the devastating burn crushing my chest.

  It was all my fault.

  Erin’s pulse had been so weak when the ambulance finally arrived—everyone in the room knew we’d failed her. I wanted them to quit tending to me. They needed to fix her before it was too late.

  My mother’s lips were drawn together.

  That only meant one thing.

  They’d been too late.

  I’d been too late.

  My vision swam in streaks of fractured light.

  She stood over me. “Oh sweetheart. Shh. Don’t cry.”

  I can’t live without her. I don’t want to.

  I couldn’t stop myself. The sobs were too powerful. The pain in my heart was too much.

  My Erin was gone.

  Oh, sweetheart… no. I’m so sorry, baby.

  I’m so sorry.

  Why couldn’t it have been me instead? Why, God? Why?

  Everyone leave.

  Just get out.

  Oh, God.

  Please just let me die.

  “How’s it going in here?” a woman asked.

  My mom tugged the sheet covering me and started wiping my face. I tried to push her hand away but I had no coordination or strength.

  I wanted the nothing to come back for me.

  I didn’t deserve to be the survivor.

  “Hey, Officer Hottie. How you feel
ing?”

  A familiar face framed with wild hair bounced into view. She was smiling at me. “Wow. Anesthesia sucks, doesn’t it? Your doctor just ordered some pain meds for you. That will take the edge off.” She turned to my mom. “Hi. I’m Sherry. Erin’s friend. We work in the ER together.”

  My parents greeted her while I seethed. Rage overtook my emotions, making me wish I’d regain some muscle control so I could shake some sense into this woman. Erin was dead and she was all fucking chipper. I wanted to punch her.

  Sherry glanced at her wristwatch. “As soon as they release you from Recovery, we’ll wheel you up to your room. I told Erin I’d come down here and check to see how you’re doing.”

  Wait. What?

  “I don’t know which one of you is in worse shape.” Sherry tisked. “This is what happens when you play with guns.”

  My mind was playing tricks. “What?”

  “Guns,” she repeated.

  “I heard you.”

  “Okay, good. Then your hearing isn’t as messed up as hers is. Apparently that grenade thing your guys tossed into the house landed right next to her.”

  Hope surged into my chest, radiating urgency throughout my muscles. “She’s alive?”

  Sherry seemed stumped. “Last time I checked she was. She’s already out of surgery.”

  I needed to get up. Fuck, why can’t I move? Oh shit. “I need to see her.”

  “Whoa.” Sherry braced my shoulder and nudged me back. “Hang on. Just relax for a bit. You’ll get to see her soon.”

  Screw that. “I need to see her now!”

  Another nurse came into view, this one older, gray-haired, and chunky. “What’s going on here?”

  “He’s a bit excited, that’s all,” Sherry informed.

  Excited?

  The other nurse seemed just as pissed off as I was. “You shouldn’t be upsetting him.”

  Exactly.

  “He’s doing that all on his own,” Sherry countered.

  Fuck this. “I want to see her. Take me to see her. NOW.” Someone had to realize how important this was before I crawled out of this damn bed on my own.

  Several dirty looks made me add, “Please.”

  Big old lady boobs drifted awfully close to my face, adjusting my pillow. Then she fussed with the clip on the end of my finger. “You need to relax.”

  Could I get away with murder?

  I’m a cop. I probably could. Your name has way too many a’s and c’s in it. R a b a c c a a a c. Fuck, that tag thing is blurry. Hold still.

  “Who does he want to see?” Nurse Ratchet asked.

  My mom crowded her; now both of them were fussing over me.

  My entire body felt fuzzy, disconnected. I needed… “Erin.”

  Sherry crossed her arms over her chest. “This is Doctor Erin Novak’s boyfriend. He’s anxious to see her.”

  Nurse Ratchet lit up. “Oh, so this is the one.” She played with my IV and then stuck a needle filled with clear fluid into my line. “I thought so but I wasn’t sure. We’ll get you moved to your room in a little bit. That’s to manage your pain. Do you want some water?”

  I wanted a beer, a shotgun, and for everyone to get the fuck out of my way. Or… maybe just a quiet nap. Yes, a nap would be good. No. Great.

  On a floaty cloud.

  Fulloaty. What a weird word.

  I woke to being jostled. Lights and ceiling tiles passed over me while murmurs and other random noises invaded my brain. I didn’t like this ride. My bones felt like they were weighted down by sandbags.

  “I wanna… see Erin. Mom?”

  She smiled at me. I’d seen that face a million times—it was the same expression that was always followed by “no.”

  Smile. “No, you can’t have two peanut butter sandwiches before dinner.”

  Smile. “No, you can’t spend your birthday money on a used motorcycle.”

  They were going to stuff me in a room. I grabbed the door frame and held on. “Where’s Erin? I wanna see her—now. Doesn’t anyone hear me?”

  “Adam…?”

  It was weak and groggy and sounded from behind my head, but the angelic voice was unmistakable. My heart skipped a beat and choked up into my throat. I let go of the metal frame.

  I tried to turn my head to see her. “Erin?”

  The nurses wheeling my bed around couldn’t move fast enough. Desperation clawed at me. I needed to see her. There were bodies between us, blocking my view, driving my need into frenzy.

  Someone needed to move that fucking curtain out of the way, too.

  They stopped moving me forward, maneuvering me in the opposite direction. “I want to see her. Erin! Let me see her.” Fire shot down my leg when I twisted, making anger and agony my unwanted companions.

  I grabbed Sherry’s wrist. My vision was slightly blurred but I could still make out her familiar face. “Please.”

  Sherry nodded at me. “Okay.” She pulled out of my grip and shoved the top of my gurney. “Let’s wheel him over.” One of the nurses bitched but Sherry was my voice of reason. My dad moved a chair out of the way.

  A nurse pulled at the curtain, revealing another bed. Erin’s father gave me a lukewarm nod. Her mom, Christine, was standing near the dark window.

  None of it mattered.

  My tears broke again seeing Erin’s sleepy face curl into a smile.

  “Doc.” I reached for her.

  Erin’s left arm was bandaged up into a sling. A purple bruise shadowed her jaw.

  “Hey, Cop,” she whispered.

  My heart wanted to leap out of my chest. “Oh God, Erin. I love you, baby. Move me closer. Please. I want to touch her.” I stretched, catching her fingertips. The pain in my body would have to wait. “I’m so sorry, Erin. So sorry. Are you okay?”

  She nodded. Tears of her own cascaded down her tender cheeks. “Yeah. I’m okay.”

  “Oh, thank God.” My hands were trembling, but we managed to touch. Her fingers were warm. “I thought I’d lost you. I’m so sorry.”

  She let go and wiped her eyes. “I was so scared.”

  Guilt the size of a mountain smashed into me. “I know, sweetheart. I’m so sorry.”

  “Okay, let’s get you into bed,” some nurse said, rudely reminding me that there were others around.

  I grasped onto Erin’s bedrail. “No. Leave me here.”

  My cot was jostled, breaking my connection with the only thing I cared about. A new ache formed in my chest when they moved me away from Erin. Just when I thought they were going to wheel me out of the room, the nurse parked me next to the empty bed in Erin’s room.

  Confusion struck me for a moment. “I’m staying here?”

  “Yep,” some nurse said, smiling.

  Okay. Good. Staying here. Fuck, my ass is cold.

  My parents introduced themselves to Erin’s, and everyone seemed to be happy and in a good mood while the staff settled me in. I couldn’t help but keep a watchful eye on Erin’s reactions. It helped me to be strong and to fight through the sheer agony of being jostled and propped up.

  Oh, thank God. More blankets.

  Erin was bundled up, too. Good.

  I almost lost her.

  I’d never lose her again.

  I just pray she’ll forgive me.

  “I love her.” My IV line snagged when I pointed. It was tangled up underneath me.

  My mom gaped at me, apparently in shock, and then her face lit up. Erin and her mother appeared equally as stunned. Even some skinny nurse who obviously needed to eat more was smiling at me. Why they found this a surprise, I’ll never know.

  Everyone seemed to be happy and getting along, talking and laughing as if they’d been friends for years. Well, that was before I stunned them into silence.

  Their continued stares were becoming unnerving.

  “I’m gonna marry her, you know. So start planning.”

  Several mouths hung open, including Erin’s.

  What?

  I tried to shift
but my balls pinched; the skin was stuck to my leg. That’s when I realized I was completely naked, covered only by a thin hospital gown thing with the snaps. A string hung down over my shoulder. This shit wasn’t even tied on. And where was my gun? Someone better have secured my weapon. It was loaded and chambered.

  I don’t know why I looked under the blankets. “Where’s my gun?”

  Erin was still staring at me; her sleepy eyes beautifully crinkled.

  I couldn’t decipher her scrutiny. “What?”

  Her beautiful face scrunched up even more. “Did you just propose to me?”

  Wait, what? Did I?

  Erin held up her hand. “Forget it. You’re high.” She turned away. Addressing her mom, my mom, and Sherry, she said, “He’s confused and babbling.”

  I wasn’t confused; I’d just feel better knowing where my damn Glock was. “No I’m not. Who has my weapon?” I was hoping my dad would know. I didn’t see my stuff anywhere. “It was loaded, Dad. Please find it.”

  My dad nodded at me and walked out into the hall. At least someone was on it.

  I rolled my head on my pillow, catching Erin’s watchful gaze on me. God, I love her, and now she’s hurt. Again.

  “I’m sorry this happened. Please don’t hate me.”

  Her head shook slightly. “It’s not your fault.”

  “Yes, it is.”

  “No.” She firmly disagreed. “That girl was very unstable.”

  “I should have seen it.”

  Erin scratched her chin. “Sweetie, no. Don’t think like that.”

  I studied her face, which was coated with determination and forgiveness. Could I have prevented this? Were there signs that I’d missed? Kara had shown signs of being obsessive/compulsive, but I never, ever imagined her being capable of—

  “Adam.”

  I focused back on her piercing eyes. She called me sweetie. That’s got to be good, right?

  “Do not blame yourself,” Erin ordered. “Don’t.”

  I wanted to argue but she shook a finger at me.

  And that was it.

  That moment right then and there was it.

  …each time she let me sleep peacefully all curled up around her.

  …each time she made sure I was taken care of: fed, warm, loved.

  …when she took each stitch out of my hand, making sure I was healed and pain-free.

  And now she was making sure my heart was free of guilt, too.

  There was only one thought left.

  “Marr—”