How to Sell Your Family to the Aliens

by Paul Noth

  “So after all that,” I said to Kayla, “we’re just going to end up in the Last Hexagon anyway?”

  “Not really,” she said. “In this hexagon, the family gets to stay together.”

  “How?” I said. “What’s different now?”

  “Grandma,” she said.

  “Because she got caught too?” I said.

  “Partly,” said Kayla. “But also going through all that with us changed her. She’s adjusting her plans now.”

  “Ha!” I said. “She’ll never change.”

  But then, to my surprise, Grandma not only pled guilty, she took the rap for all the illegal activity. She blamed herself not only for Dad’s involvement, but for all of Alice’s thievery as well.

  Did I truly think Grandma’s heart had melted, and she had suddenly become a good person? No. I’m not stupid. I thought, What’s she up to now?

  In exchange for cooperating with government scientists, Dad only got probation. And Mom could stay in the country. Alice got a week in juvenile detention and a state-appointed psychiatrist named Dr. Jeremy. All in all, the only person besides Grandma to see any jail time was Mr. Abernathy, the zookeeper.

  I finally got to return Squeep! to my school, along with a new, identical lizard named Pete, who wore funny little green glasses and had a mustache. All the kids loved Pete the lizard, and he loved them. He also loved his little terrarium. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for Squeep!, who had caught the taste for adventure. All that time inside the Doorganizer had taught him skills no lizard should know. These days, he’s always escaping from the terrarium, the classroom, and the school. Most mornings I wake up to find that he has snuck back into my room and is curled up on my chest asleep.

  We have an apartment now near the hotel where Mom works. It’s small by most standards, but luxurious compared to Grandma’s basement. I even have my own room—that is, if you don’t count the Squeepmeister.

  Eliza hates that she still has to share a room, though now it’s only with Beth.

  “I should have my own palace!” says Eliza.

  During their time together, Grandma filled Eliza’s head with a lot of nonsense about how someday our family would take over the whole galaxy, and that we would all become kings and queens, each running our own solar system from our own palace planets. Sometimes I worry that Eliza has actually bought into Grandma’s bundle of baloney.

  The FBI “requested” that Dad take a little break from inventing. Mostly, he’s complying, though he has been working on a new medicine for Beth, who developed a lingering side effect from wearing the Perfect-O-Specs for so many years.

  One morning Beth woke up from a strange dream to find that she looked just like Eliza again. It wore off after a few hours. But then, a week later, Beth woke up from an even stranger dream to find herself looking like a totally different girl that none of us recognized. This wore off too, though while it lasted Beth could only speak Portuguese. My dad created a drink for Beth to take before she goes to bed. He also taught Beth a self-hypnosis technique to prevent her from dreaming that she’s anyone other than herself. He says that should resolve the issue.

  Kayla is still good friends with Alphonso, though she tries not to bother him with too many questions these days, which has made her life a lot more enjoyable.

  And I guess you’ve probably read about the rest of the story online or in the newspapers.

  Personally, I can’t say that I was surprised by the news that Grandma had vanished from her prison cell without a trace. I know there’s a nationwide manhunt, but I don’t think they’ll ever find her. At least not on this planet.

  I admit, the thought of Grandma at large in the universe makes me uneasy. Especially when I think of the last thing she said to me.

  What on earth had she meant by that?

  Tag you soon, partner.

  Not too soon, I hope.

  Text and illustrations copyright © 2018 by Paul Noth

  All rights reserved

  You may not copy, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or by any means (including without limitation electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, printing, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

  First published in the United States of America in April 2018 by Bloomsbury Children’s Books

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  This electronic edition published in 2018 by Bloomsbury Publishing Plc

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  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Names: Noth, Paul, author.

  Title: How to sell your family to the aliens / by Paul Noth.

  Description: New York : Bloomsbury, 2018.

  Summary: Ten-year-old Hap’s grandmother has experimented on his family and confined them to the basement of a mansion paid for by his father’s inventions, but his plan to sell her to aliens goes awry.

  Identifiers: LCCN 2017024253 (print) • LCCN 2017038526 (e-book)

  ISBN: 978-1-6811-9657-2 (HB)

  ISBN: 978-1-5476-0007-6 (PB)

  ISBN: 978-1-6811-9658-9 (eBook)

  Subjects: | CYAC: Family life—Fiction. | Grandmothers—Fiction. | Ability—Fiction. | Inventors—Fiction. | Extraterrestrial beings—Fiction. | Humorous stories.

  Classification: LCC PZ7.1.N66 How 2018 (print) | LCC PZ7.1.N66 (e-book) | DDC [Fic]—dc23

  LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2017024253

  Book design by Kimi Weart

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