by Hart, Eve R.
“I didn’t realize how much I missed you until now.” Her voice was soft and muffled against my shoulder. “I have so many questions but it’s almost like they don’t matter. I’m just glad we’ve found each other again.”
She stepped back, wiped her eyes, then turned to leave.
I only let her go because I knew she wouldn’t be far.
She had stayed and it didn’t seem like she was ready to run away any time soon.
I didn’t doubt that she had questions. Hell, I had a million of them too. As much as I was excited to find out about all the years I’d missed, I was also afraid of it all as well.
Showering was a pain in the ass. I would have said fuck it but I could smell how badly I needed one.
By the time I was done and dressed, which took me way longer than it should have, Jessica was knocking on my door.
She came in and placed a bowl of hot soup on the table next to the bed.
“Where’s yours?” I asked as I got comfortable on the bed and rested my back against the headboard.
“Oh, I was going to eat downstairs, but I guess I can… I’ll be right back.” She turned and darted out of the room.
A few moments later, she was settled in on the other end of the bed, facing me. She blew on the steaming bowl of soup like she needed something to do and it made me wonder if she was nervous for some reason.
“I’m an okay cook so don’t expect too much,” she told me with a small smile.
“I’m sure it’s perfect.”
We ate in silence for a few moments. It wasn’t bad, just a little on the bland side but I wasn’t about to complain.
“Remember that time Irenna and I tried to make a cake for your mom?” Her voice was soft, her eyes looking a bit blank as if she were lost in the memory. “We burnt it so bad. Like the top wasn’t even eatable. Then we thought we could cover it up with frosting. Your poor mom, she ate it anyway.”
She was laughing now.
I remembered that night vividly. I’d been at work and so had Mom. I got home a few minutes before she had. The kitchen was a mess but the girls had tried to clean it up. They were too worried about holding the cake together because the frosting seemed to be melting like the cake had been still warm when they put it on. Irenna had globs of batter in her hair and Jessica was covered head-to-toe in flour.
Bakers they were not.
But it was so sweet that neither Mom nor I could be mad.
Mom and I ate that cake, pretending like it was the best thing we’d ever tasted.
“You guys couldn’t find any candles,” I said, smiling at the memory. “So you stuck crayons all over it.”
“Hey, it was a cute idea,” she proudly said. “We made due.”
That was the motto for how we’d all grown up.
We made due.
And you made the best of it.
It was always better when you smiled at what you had instead of crying over what you didn’t.
I wasn’t saying it was easy. While I sure as fuck was glad my life wasn’t like that anymore, I made sure I never forgot where I came from.
“Mom and Irenna are going to be so happy to see you,” I told her, causing her face to light up like a kid on Christmas morning. It was as if she wanted to ask about them but was afraid for some reason.
“How are they?”
“Good,” I told her with a bob of my head as I thought about them. “My sister is happily married. Two kids. Phil, her husband, he’s a good guy. Treats her like the world revolves around her. And Mom is living a few miles up the road from them.”
“Is she still working her ass off?”
“No.” I huffed out a laugh. “I forced her to retire. Bought her a big house and a new car. She wasn’t happy about it but I eventually got her to come around. She did everything for us growing up, it’s time she relaxed and enjoyed life.”
“So…” she said as she got up and set her empty bowl down on top of the dresser. “Are we going to talk about it. What exactly I saw. I’m guessing that’s how you have all this money to take care of your mom. Killer for hire?”
Maybe it was best to get it all out there and hope she didn’t run screaming. Something about the way she’d come right out and didn’t flinch when she said it made me think that it wasn’t all that removed of a concept in her world.
“Yes,” I said setting my own bowl to the side.
With her back to me, she nodded.
“And Ray was a… job?”
“Yes.”
“And how long have you been doing this?”
“Close to fifteen years now.” I could remember that first job like it was yesterday. The date. The weather. The smell in the air. Even the sound of the bullet ripping through the silencer and the way his eyes stared up at me blankly after his body hit the floor.
“Okay. Alright. Okay.” She took in a deep breath then let it out. Suddenly, she turned to face me. “What I can’t figure out is how. How did the boy that I knew who would go out of his way to help people grow up to be someone that killed people for money?”
“Sit down,” I told her as I motioned to the end of the bed where she’d been sitting before. “It’s going to be a long story. But when I’m done, I’m going to need you to fill in the gaps, because I’ve been going out of my mind trying to find you for twenty fucking years.”
Her eyes went wide and she swallowed hard. Then she lowered herself down to the bed like the thing was made of broken glass. Like what was to come might cut her to the bone.
It probably would. And I didn’t doubt that what she had to tell me wouldn’t do the same to me.
But it had to be done and there was no sense in dragging it out.
“After you left,” I started and instantly saw the sadness in her eyes. “Irenna cried. Mom went out of her mind with worry. And I tried to look for you.”
It was the truth. I was sure it was hard to hear but she needed to know how much she meant to us.
“At first, I thought that something bad had happened. That he’d put you in the hospital. But then I realized that you’d taken off on your own.” I paused, my hand running through my hair and lightly tugging on the ends. This wasn’t easy. “I wished you would have come to us. We all did. Mom was actually working on a way to get you out of that place but she didn’t want you to get thrown into the system. We all know older kids are harder to adopt out. And who knew what kind of situation you could have ended up in. It might have been worse…”
“I didn’t know she was doing that.”
“She was,” I told her with a nod. “She was working with a friend in social services, she wanted to foster you but it wasn’t easy. I mean, you know, we didn’t live in the best kind of neighborhood and Mom was a single parent that worked all the time. Not exactly the best kind of situation to put a kid into.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked softly.
“She didn’t even tell me until years later. I guess she didn’t want to get our hopes up… and then you were gone. I don’t think she knew what to do after that.”
“I didn’t know what to do,” she said wide-eyed like she was living that awful moment right now. “I was a scared kid. My dad, he threatened your mom. Said he’d get her evicted and you all would have to live on the streets. I believed him, you know, I was just a stupid kid. I couldn’t take it anymore and I hoped that if I left, he would leave you alone.”
“What happened after that?” I realized that I had wanted to tell her my side of the story first because I was afraid that if she started talking, I would just break down. But it seemed like I couldn’t help myself as the question rolled out of my mouth.
Maybe it was better this way. Maybe we had to weave our stories together to really understand. To see it how it should be.
“Nothing good,” she told me with a bitter laugh. “I was on the streets for years. Never went back to school. Never had a permanent roof over my head. Hell, most nights I was too afraid to fall asleep.”
&nb
sp; Without realizing it, my body curved forward and my hand reached out to wipe away the tear that was sliding down her cheek.
“You don’t want to hear about all the shit that happened to me,” she said softly.
“I do.” I needed to hear it. Maybe as much as I suspected she needed to get it out.
I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I silently vowed I’d be here for her. I’d hold her through it all.
“I was only nine, what did I really know about taking care of myself? But I guess I kind of did because I had been doing it for so long.” Her eyes closed and stayed that way. “I just kept walking. I didn’t even know where I was going. I learned things from finding groups of people like me but I always stayed on the outside.”
She went on how she found shelters and quickly learned to lie about needing to get back to her family after she got what she needed. If they thought she had a family they weren’t as quick to call social services and the faster she moved on, the less likely she’d get caught.
“I was twelve when I met Leslie. She was so nice. Or so I thought,” she said and I could hear the regret in her tone. “Before I knew it, I was swept up in things I shouldn’t have known about. Leslie showed me everything I needed to know and even… well, I think you get the picture.”
I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t. My throat was currently clogged with emotions and my mind was playing the I told you so game.
“Something happened when I was sixteen. It changed things for me,” she said and she didn’t have to tell me. I just fucking knew. “After that, I tried my hardest to stay in the shadows. Like even more than before. I wouldn’t eat for days because I was scared to leave whatever place I’d found to hunker down at the time. I wouldn’t sleep. But eventually…”
She had to go back to the old ways to survive.
I knew what she was saying without the words.
“I looked for you. Hell, I never stopped,” I told her.
I hoped like hell it didn’t cause more damage at this point. Maybe not knowing that I had been out there looking for her would have been for the best. But I couldn’t lie to her. I had to let her know that I’d thought of her all these years. That I still fucking cared so much.
“I wish I had known,” she said and began to sob harder.
Her body fell into mine, her head laying on my thigh. My fingers worked through her hair and she clung to my leg life a life raft as she let it all out.
I said nothing else, just let her go through the emotions and finally feel each one before she released them. It had been building up a long time. I felt it too and I couldn’t deny that tears stung the back of my eyes. Every time her body jerked with a retching sob, they came closer to the surface. I need to stay strong for her. This was her time.
She was finally safe and I would hold her until she was done.
The way I felt right now, I’d hold her forever if that was what it took.
-21-
Jessica
Twenty years of holding it all in came vomiting out like a bad case of emotional food poisoning.
I cried like I’d never cried before.
Like embarrassing sobs and snot pouring out of my nose and I couldn’t even stop it.
And it just kept going. Every time I thought it was coming to an end, another wave would take over.
The whole time, there was Silas, calm and soothing like the boy I knew. His hand running over my hair and his calming words telling me to let it all out did something to me that I couldn’t explain. Oh, and it made me cry even harder.
I never imagined in a million years that our paths would cross again. That he would end up being the man to save me when I thought I’d met my end.
With all the shit that I’d been through there hadn’t ever been a time when I looked around and saw no way out. If Silas hadn’t been there, Ray wouldn’t have hesitated to kill me. I saw it in his eyes. That look, I could see it just as clearly now in my mind.
The tears eventually slowed to a trickle. I was exhausted and drained. A nap sounded like the best thing ever.
“How about we watch a movie or something? We can finish talking later,” he said softly.
My head nodded against his thigh.
“Come here,” Silas said and without giving me a chance to move, he pulled me up as he once again rested back against the headboard.
He let out a pained grunt and I tried to shift away from him, worried that I’d hurt him.
His arm wrapped around my shoulder and I gave in, finding my head tilting to lean against his chest.
The TV mounted on the wall across the room came to life but I wasn’t really watching it. I couldn’t even tell you what I had agreed to watch and what was now playing in the background.
My hand gingerly went to his stomach and the moment I cuddled in tighter to his body, I couldn’t fight sleep another second longer.
And I didn’t think I wanted to.
I felt safe.
I felt warm.
I felt like I’d never felt before.
I wanted to hold onto this moment but I also wanted to lose myself in it. I wanted to let go and take advantage of how right I felt now. The simplicity of it all. Sure, it was a familiar face on a strange man, but there was this new sense of something I couldn’t explain. And that was the thing that felt easy… and right.
When I woke, I was under the covers. It took my mind a moment to play catch up and remember where I was. I relaxed the instant I realized the body I was currently half draped over was Silas. We’d somehow managed to shift down on the bed and were both laying down. The TV was off and the room was lit only by the low light of the lamp beside the bed.
He was awake. I knew he was though he was completely still.
“I fell asleep,” I said like it wasn’t obvious.
“You feel better?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I whispered. Neither one of us made a move. I couldn’t deny that I liked where I was and how it made me feel. “How are you feeling? Am I hurting you?”
My body tensed thinking I should get off of him. His arm tightened around me as if telling me he didn’t want me to move.
“No, this is nice.”
I smiled and agreed with that statement wholeheartedly in my head.
“Tell me how you got here? I mean, what happened after I left.” I asked softly.
His chest rose and fell heavily under my head.
“I was scared at first,” he said with a sigh. “But I had to hold it together for Mom and Irenna. Then, after a while, I was angry. But not at you. There were all these emotions and I searched for you every chance I had. There was nothing. It was like you just vanished.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t,” he said, his hand rubbing up and down my arm softly. “I don’t want you to feel bad. I understand, I do, but I still was a mess. We all were.”
“I tried to leave you a note so you wouldn’t worry. Which, now that I think about it probably only made it worse.”
“Little bit,” he told me but his tone wasn’t angry or sad. It was like he was trying to make light of this heavy conversation. Again, it was hard not to see the Silas I knew back then. “I needed an outlet, or maybe it was more of something to take my mind off of everything. I have no idea why I walked into that gun range that day but I’m glad I did. It started out small. Wanting to learn how to fire a gun. I think there were many things going through my mind. Like if I could have protected you better. And maybe a part of me needed a way to get all of my anger out.”
There was a pause, the room so quiet it almost hummed in my ears.
“I was good,” he finally said. Though it should have been something to be proud of, his tone said otherwise. Like it was more of a curse than anything. “The owner noticed and sort of took me under his wing. Years later, he offered me my first job. Why I took it? I don’t know if I have a real answer for that.”
“How old were you?”
“Almost twenty-two.”
“So you’ve been killing people a long time? Like the whole time?” I couldn’t hide the shock from the question. I could tell that it hadn’t really sunk in yet, even though he’d already told me how many years he’d been in the game.
“Yes, but I don’t want you to think that I’m like some crazy killing machine. I take a handful of jobs a year.”
Um, still, a handful of killings a year is a lot. Add that up by all those years… oh, no, I didn’t want to think about that.
“Does your family know?”
“God, no,” he said with a sharp laugh. “I support my mom and help Irenna out a lot. Do you think they would be okay knowing how I got that money?”
“I suppose not. So what do they think you do? Like how do you have all of this money to help them out?”
“Well,” he said drawing out the word which let me know he was going to tell me that there was a huge lie behind it. One that he probably had to keep going and hated it. “They think I’m some finance guy for some hot-shot firm. I talk in a way that they don’t understand what it is I do. By now, they’ve given up on trying to understand.”
I let out a laugh because I could just see his mom shaking her head and patting him on the head as a way to tell him to stop talking. And that led to more images of her floating in my mind. I thought about her now with a smile on my face. Though I still was sad that I hadn’t seen her in a long time, somehow it felt like I was closer to her now than I’d been in a really long time.
“Oh! Does your mom still make that coffee cake?” I asked with way too much excitement in my tone as I remembered it. For a moment there, I swore I could taste it on my tongue.
His chest rumbled with a low chuckle.
“Yes, every time I go for a visit. Only now she puts bourbon in the crumble.”
I laughed thinking about how his mom, Elaine, would look all relaxed and loving life— and putting booze in her coffee cake. It was a beautiful image. If anyone deserved a break, it was her. She had the biggest heart of anyone I knew. She took me in when she was already struggling to feed her own kids. She made sure I ate and even had money for lunch at school. You know, on those days that I didn’t find enough loose change around my house. Because that was how it was. I’d like to say my parents were scatterbrained, but the truth was that they just didn’t care.
