by Hart, Eve R.
Then the way she looked up at me and said my name.
It caused something to come over me that I couldn’t stop.
I didn’t want to stop.
And I had no plans to right now.
My tongue snaked out to wet my bottom lip, then I was pressing my mouth against hers again in the most G-rated kiss I’d had since I was like fourteen.
And it was the best damn one ever.
Our lips brushed and bounced off each other’s. Neither one of us pushed for more. It was like she was enjoying it just as much as I was.
Finally, I pulled away and rested my forehead against hers.
She blinked at me with a happy, dazed look in her eyes.
I wanted to say something, but I was suddenly at a loss for words. What could you say after something so amazingly unexpected?
I had to say something. I did. Because if it was one thing I knew about women, it was that they needed reassurance. Very blatant reassurance. The kind that the man-brain didn’t usually understand.
Yeah, I could thank my mom and sister for that knowledge.
And words were coming. They were. It just took them a long moment to actually form in my brain.
“I think I’ve wanted to do that since the moment I realized it was you in that blue cocktail dress.”
“You mean the moment right before I passed out when you shot my boyfriend in the head?” she asked with a hint of laughter in her tone.
“Well, yeah. But can we just forget about all that other stuff? Kind of kills the whole…”
“Romantic thing?”
“Yeah, that,” I replied.
She laughed softly and smiled wider.
“Though in my mind,” I started and let the pause hang for a beat, “you passed out because you saw my amazing face.”
“You know,” she replied with a nod as she pulled back a little, “you might just be right on that one. It is a very shocking face.”
“Wait, is that a good thing? It doesn’t sound like a good thing the way you just said it.”
And she was laughing again. I didn’t think I’d ever get tired of hearing that sound.
“Oh, Silas,” she sang and then rested her head back on my shoulder.
I wanted more kissing but I wasn’t about to press my luck. I was also a little worried that it wouldn’t be as special as the first one had been.
What if that had all been a fluke?
No, there was no way it was. There was something between us and I hoped I didn’t fuck it up.
The movie rolled on and then the credits played. We were still holding hands under the blanket. Something about that simple act made me feel like a teenager on his first date, nervous and excited.
“I think I’m going to bed now,” she told me as she got to her feet.
“I’ll, um, walk you up?” Clearly, that whole date thing was sticking in my head. Yeah, I could work with this. Walk her to her room, make sure to keep my feet on the right side of the threshold, kiss her good night, and then walk away. By away, I meant down the hall. But hey, it was the best I could do given the circumstances.
“Okay,” she said, drawing out the word like she wasn’t quite sure what to do with my statement.
I took her hand as we walked up the stairs.
At her door, I pulled her in for a long hug, loving the way she felt in my arms.
“I had a good night,” I whispered right before I brushed my lips against hers.
A quick kiss and I was sadly pulling away.
“Goodnight, Silas,” she said and then walked into her room. “This is weird, I have to brush my teeth, so I actually need to go that way.” She pointed down the hall in the direction of the bathroom. The movement was a little shy and I found it kind of cute.
“Yeah, I don’t know what I was thinking,” I told her and chuckled as I shook my head. Why was I being so ridiculous right now? Perhaps all these feelings were making me stupid.
I let her head to the bathroom and I went to my room.
My mind was in a strange place as I went to my dresser and pulled out a new phone.
My body felt both light and heavy as I lowered myself down to the edge of the bed.
After a long moment, I knew just who to call.
“Hello?” she answered with a voice full of confusion.
“Hey, Mom,” I said softly.
“Oh, Silas. Did you lose your phone again?” I could just see her shaking her head at me.
“Yeah, I think I dropped it on the street the other day.”
Another white lie, one that I’d given her a slanted version of many times before.
“Are you okay, honey?” she asked.
“You and Dad were in love right?” I had no idea why I’d asked that because I knew they had been. I might have been young but I trusted my memories, the looks they always gave each other weren’t something that could have been faked.
“You know we were.” There was a longing sigh. “I loved your father dearly. I still miss him every day. What is this about?”
The last thing I wanted to do was get her hopes up for something that might not be. I had these feelings inside me. And if I really thought about it, I wanted more with Jessica. Which was fucking strange. She was so much like the little girl I knew but now she was even brighter. Like that made any sense. Her laugh, her smile, the way she liked to joke back with me— I found myself wanting more. And I didn’t want it to ever stop. Not to mention how it felt to simply kiss her tonight.
But I had no clue where her head was at.
“Silas?” Mom’s voice broke through all of my thoughts.
“How did you know?”
“That I was in love?”
“Yes,” I answered.
“Oh, well, I remember the exact moment it hit me,” she said and I could hear the happiness in her voice as she thought about that moment. “It was our third date. He took me out to his grandad’s farm and I was thinking it was going to be horrible. But then he drove his truck up next to a frozen lake that I didn’t even know was there. We went ice skating and it was so romantic just the two of us. As he was helping me untie my laces after we were done, he looked up at me. That was it, there was something that told me this was the man for me right at that very moment.”
“So you’re telling me there wasn’t anything real behind it?” I asked causing her to chuckle at me.
“There was something real. Not to get all sappy on you, but there was everything in that look. Hope and love and promises. There was a future in that look.”
Her words only confused me more.
“You’re useless, Mom,” I said in a joking tone.
“Why is it that you’re asking? Is there someone in your life now?” The excitement in her voice was screaming at me.
“No, I was just thinking, that’s all.”
“Fine,” she sighed out sounding like a deflated balloon. “Well, when you do find it, you’ll know. You’ll feel it. And you’ll do everything to make sure that love stays protected and safe.”
“Thanks, Mom. I love you. Got to go.”
It was like I’d been struck with lightning.
I knew what I had to do.
“Love you too. Am I going to see you soon?”
“Yes, soon. Bye.”
I hung up right after she yelled her goodbye at me quickly. Somehow I think she got it, you know, with that weird mom magic or something.
I dialed another number right away.
“Yeah?”
“Dalton, need a favor.”
“Seems you need a lot of those lately,” he said not sounding even a little bit happy.
“You know someone in the FBI, right?”
To that, I got some noise that sounded like a grunt and a growl mixed together.
“I need you to fix something for me. I’ll owe you,” I told him and this time, I wasn’t half-joking when I said it.
“Shit,” he said and there was a beat of silence that went by. “What do you need?”
<
br /> So I told him everything that had happened, only in more detail than I had before. Then I explained to him how Hunt and I might have really fucked this whole thing up. I was just scared that Jessica would end up going down for a murder that I’d done. And I knew that even though they let her go, didn’t mean she was off the hook. That said, I wouldn’t understand how anyone could think she created the carnage in that room. She sure as hell didn’t have the strength to push a built man over a balcony.
I had been too scared to ask her if she’d mentioned anything about me being there. In fact, we hadn’t talked about what happened after I shot her boyfriend really at all. While I didn’t think she would have told them, I wasn’t all that sure. If she thought it might get the heat off of her, well, I couldn’t fault her for that.
“This isn’t going to be fucking easy,” he said in a very unhappy tone. “But I’ll see what I can do. Keep this phone, give me twenty-four hours.”
Then he was gone.
-26-
Jessica
I overheard him talking to his mom about love. I shouldn’t have stopped to listen but I couldn’t seem to help myself. And I knew it was her on the other end of the phone by the softness he held in his voice. I knew it right away.
For a moment, it felt like I was so close to her but she was still too far away. I really, really just needed one of her hugs. If I had one then I’d know that everything would be okay.
That didn’t distract me at all from what he was asking about though.
Love.
Why was he asking about that?
It could have been that he was just as confused as I was about all these feelings. Maybe, just like me, he’d never felt them before.
I think I was still too messed up to even let love in right now. I wouldn’t so easily jump into some kind of fantasy and let myself believe that there was a happy future out there for me. And no, it didn’t matter that things felt different. That some could even say this was destiny. But I didn’t believe that for a second because I wasn’t one of those people. Destiny. Fate. Written in the stars. All that stuff was made up by people that wanted to believe that there were other forces at work.
And sure, if I never went out on that date with Ray— if I hadn’t moved in with him— then none of this would have happened. Only I didn’t forget the fact that Silas had said he’d been searching for me all these years. Or that his friend had been so close to tracking me down. Like really close. So close that if Silas hadn’t had that job or whatever and hadn’t been in the condo, I would have been back in his life soon enough. I mean, if I had made it through the night with Ray, that was.
So there wasn’t anything grand out there pushing us together.
It was a lifetime of waiting and hoping.
For him, at least.
All he wanted to do was make sure I was safe. He hadn’t been out there looking for me because he had deep romantic feelings this whole time. No. Of course not. That would be weird. And honestly, might creep me out a little.
I moved on before he ended the call.
I shouldn’t have listened to as much as I had.
It left me wondering how exactly he was feeling about this whole thing.
Did I even have a right to wonder that when I couldn’t come up with an answer myself?
That kiss though. I never knew something so simple could make me feel so alive.
I couldn’t deny that I wanted more.
I wished I’d gotten more.
Then again, it was kind of perfect the way it was.
I’d tried to do the slow thing with Ray, figuring that I needed to not jump right into something. But even with that I somehow got swept away pretty quickly.
While it wasn’t fair to compare Silas to Ray, I couldn’t help but to do it.
There were quite a few similarities if I took my blinders off, and not the good kind.
They were both killers.
They were both on the wrong side of the law— though that was a given with the whole killer part.
There were a few other things but those were the big ones that had me closing up.
Inside the spare room, I realized that I was locked away with my thoughts. Maybe that wasn’t the best thing for me right now. But it was like I couldn’t stop.
Ever since I was little, I’d felt like I’d just been there. I was something in the way no matter how hard I tried to stay hidden in the corners. My parents— yeah, I knew they were shit people. However, knowing that did nothing to change the feelings I’d grown up with. Those feelings were rooted deep in my soul. I became a shadow because that was the best way for me to survive.
Then I met the Newmans and they wanted me to shine. They treated me like I mattered. And as good as it felt, there was still a big part of me that held back. It was fear. Fear that my parents would find out. Fear that it wasn’t real. And fear that it would be ripped away from me at any second.
Yeah, even with that thought constantly in the back of my mind it still hurt when it happened. I found a huge part of myself with them, and I left it with them as well.
Was this my chance to get it back?
Did I even know what that piece was anymore?
Twenty years was a long time. I knew that I’d changed a lot over the last twenty years. I was sure I didn’t turn out like Elaine hoped. She wanted me to fly. To sore. To be something. And the best I’d done was spread my legs for a bunch of men that took care of me.
I’d survived.
Sure.
But the way I’d done it, no one would be proud of. Least of all a woman that I’d wished could have been my mother.
Why was my heart so heavy?
Tonight I should have been throwing myself on my bed all smiles and giggles and shit. I should be biting my lip and thinking about that kiss, replaying it over and over in my head.
Yet, here I was all poor me.
Sometimes I really made myself sick.
“Stop!” I harshly whispered to myself.
I wanted to change my life.
I had set out to make it better.
And I knew in order to do that, I had to change the way I thought. I had to change me. I had to stop letting the bad things happen to me and embrace the good things that wanted in.
This strange, out of nowhere reunion with Silas was my chance. It had to be. I could have everything I wished for if only I would stop getting in my own way.
This was my chance to turn it all around.
Tonight, I would say goodbye to the girl that lived in the shadows. I’d let go of the things that I tried not to be ashamed of. Though, no matter who you were, those things still got to you somewhere deep inside. I was determined to free myself. Because, really, that was all I’d ever wanted.
To be free.
To love who I was.
To be happy because that was what I deserved.
I was fucking worthy of it, dammit!
Tonight, Silas made me feel.
It was magical and wonderful and beautiful.
It was everything I’d ever wanted, to be honest.
To feel. To love and feel loved.
So why should I doubt this curveball that life had thrown me?
Before I knew what I was doing, my feet were carrying me down the hall. A quick, light tap on Silas’ door told me there was no turning back now.
“Come in,” he said and I heard him clear his throat.
I slowly opened the door to reveal him sitting up in bed shirtless.
Yeah, okay, he was hot. I couldn’t deny that standing there drinking in the sight of him did so many things to me. But despite all of that, I was here for different reasons.
Sex was off the table until it felt absolutely right. Until it wasn’t about hormones and the need to scratch an itch.
What I really needed right now was to be held.
He ripped the covers back, a silent invitation for me to join him. Maybe he needed the contact as much as I did.
I practically skipp
ed to the bed and slid in beside him.
My body fit so perfectly against his. His chest was like the best pillow ever.
“No funny business,” he whispered as he kissed my head. “Oh, and just so you know, men tend to wake up with morning wood. It doesn’t mean I’m trying to get all up on you. I simply can’t help it.”
My mouth hung open and I lightly slapped his stomach.
“Hey, I just don’t want you to think I’m not doing this right,” he said with laughter in his tone. I rolled my eyes at him even though he couldn’t see it. Secretly, I loved this part of him. I always had. “And remember, you’re the one that came in here. I was trying to be the good one.”
“Oh, my God,” I said in a tone that very much said how unbelievable I thought he was being right now. “Go to sleep.”
“Fine,” he said, dragging the word out a little too much. “But, seriously, I’m glad you came. I might have started to get used to you being next to me while I sleep.”
I bit my lip trying to contain my smile.
“Me too,” I admitted softly.
I was right where I was supposed to be.
I truly believe that.
Because there was something about being next to him that felt right like nothing ever had before.
This was my home.
Maybe it always had been.
-27-
Silas
The twenty-four-hour wait was driving me insane and it was barely the next morning.
I’d had to wait on Dalton before but it was never like this. It had never felt as important as this did.
I had to put it out of my mind and find some way to distract myself.
Maybe that wasn’t the best way to put it, especially since the first thing I thought of was spending time with Jessica. And yeah, I realized that there wasn’t much else to do right now given that we were currently both sort of trapped in this cabin.
What I should have said was that I was excited to see her this morning because that was very much true. Even though she’d come crawling into bed with me hours ago, I was currently laying here alone. She must have slipped out at some point but I knew it wasn’t because she was trying to get away from me. I was actually surprised that I’d fallen that deeply into sleep that I hadn’t noticed her leaving. But instead of getting freaked out by it, I saw it as something good. At least with her by my side, I wasn’t up all night worried about the things that were to come.
