Attack of the Mutant Underwear

by Tom Birdseye

  Thursday, December 28

  On the way home from the grocery store, we drove past the park. Tyler and Zach and that bunch of sixth graders—Whit, Nate, Deshawn, and Theo—were shooting hoops. I would have played, too, if they’d have asked me. But it was starting to rain anyway—again—so I guess it didn’t matter.

  Rain, rain, go away, come again some other—No, scratch that. More like: Rain, rain, don’t give me no slack. Hit the road and don’t come back!

  Hey, not bad. Could it be? Ace-brilliant-type-author guy is back?

  Friday, December 29

  Stumbling into the bathroom this morning, I tripped and almost ended up in the toilet. MC, who happened to be walking by, stopped and looked at me sprawled on the floor. She said, “When a person is in love, they forget how to walk and fall down and can’t get up for an hour.” Then she busted out laughing. “Cody’s in love! Cody’s in love! Cody’s in love with Amy!”

  I shook my fist at her and yelled, “Beat it, bozo brain!”

  But I did have trouble getting up.

  Saturday, December 30

  Went out for dinner tonight. Mexican. Yummy. Except when MC said, “Cody and Amy are going to do the holy matchimony thing.”

  Dad almost choked. Mom blinked a bunch, then finally said, “Well, no need to rush into anything.”

  Good point. I think love is fine, but you shouldn’t talk about it while someone is eating a taco.

  Sunday, December 31

  New Year’s Eve

  All day MC has been running around, saying “Happy New You!” instead of “Happy New Year!” Maybe she’s on to something, though. People make New Year’s resolutions because they want to change something about who they are. They really are becoming a New You. Just like I’ve been working on the New Me. Guess I just started my New Year’s resolution a little early, that’s all. I’m ahead of my time.

  Mom and Dad said I could stay up until midnight and watch the big ball drop at Times Square in New York City on TV. Only thing is that New York City is three hours ahead of us, so when we see it at midnight here, it’s already a rerun. Who wants to start the New Year by watching a rerun?

  Besides, Mom and Dad will kiss, and I don’t want to see any more of that than I have to. Everybody will be kissing at Times Square, too. Kissing, kissing, kissing. Kissing, kissing, kissing.

  Almost called Amy to kiss—uh, wish her Happy New Year. But I didn’t.

  Monday, January 1

  New Year’s Day

  Watched the Rose Bowl on TV with Mom and Dad and MC. Ate lots of chips and made lots of noise. It was fun, except that MC kept interrupting and saying stuff like, “I’m the fastest blinker in the family. I can floss my teeth and blink at the same time! Wanna see?” She got all huffy when I finally told her to shut up.

  “Patience is a virtue,” she snipped at me. Mom and Dad looked at her like they were thinking, Wow, what a smart kid we’ve got, using big words like that! But then MC said, “What is a virtue, anyway?”

  This is going to sound weird, but I can’t wait for school to start again.

  Tuesday, January 2

  Nobody said it out loud, but I could tell I wasn’t the only one in my class glad to be back. Everybody was talking a mile a minute. Amy had lots of Ralphster stories.

  Ms. B didn’t waste any time chatting, though. If she had a theme song for today, it was “Glad-to-see-you-now-get-to-work!” Math, reading, social studies, science—we hit them all before lunch.

  Friday, January 5

  Zach has started calling girls “female life-forms.” Amy just laughs, but Libby boils. She called Zach a “meathead life-form.”

  I’m getting really tired of doing Emma’s kitty litter box. Sticking that super-dooper-pooper-scooper in there is like going back to jail. There has GOT to be a way out of this.

  Think outside the box. Think outside the box. Think outside the box.

  Saturday, January 6

  Still thinking outside the box. Still thinking outside the—

  Hey, wait a minute! That’s it: outside the box! As in outside the box we call our house! Emma can become an outdoor cat and do her business in the bushes or Mom’s flower beds, like all the other cats in our neighborhood!

  Duh. Why didn’t I think of this before?

  Later, Saturday, January 6

  I’ll tell you why I didn’t think of it before. Because according to Mom, “Emma would kill birds that come to the feeder. Cats kill millions of birds a year.”

  I said, “Emma wouldn’t do that. She’s nice.”

  Mom said, “All cats do that. They’re not mean; they’re predators.”

  I said, “Well, can’t we put a bell on her so the birds can hear her?”

  Mom said, “Emma is smart. She learned to turn on the water in the bathroom, remember? She’d learn to stalk without jingling the bell.”

  I said, “Then we give her more cat food so she won’t be hungry.”

  Mom said, “The urge to hunt and the urge to eat are controlled by different parts of a cat’s brain.”

  I said, “How do you know all of this stuff?”

  Mom said, “Because I’m a librarian, and we know everything.” Then she went on to tell me the other reasons to keep Emma inside: “She could be run over by a car. Dogs might attack her, or other cats. She could get fleas, ticks, mites, or worms, not to mention rabies, distemper, leukemia, and lots of other fatal diseases.”

  I said, “That’s terrible.”

  Mom said, “But here’s the worst part.”

  I said, “What could be worse?”

  Mom said, “Emma might bring back a bunch of her friends and they’d all use her litter box!”

  I said, “You’re right. That’s worse.”

  Mom said, “I thought you’d see it my way. Now go clean up after our indoor cat. It’s your turn.”

  Moral of the story: Don’t try to argue with your mom, especially if she’s a librarian.

  Sunday, January 7

  MC said that she and Jordy have decided that Amy and I have to get married so they can be brother and sister. I told her that’s not the way it works. And even if it did, it doesn’t matter because Amy and I are too young to get married, and we’re not going to get married anyway.

  MC poked at me with a carrot she was nibbling and said, “Ha! That’s what you think!”

  I poked right back at her with a piece of celery and said, “Ha! You don’t have a clue what I think!”

  I think.

  Wednesday, January 10

  Snow flurries during recess. Everybody went nuts, running around with their mouths open, trying to catch flakes. We were all sure the storm was going to dump two feet and school would be called off, but it stopped.

  Dad said that if you wear your pajamas inside out, it will snow, and stick. MC said, “Really?” Dad said, “Yes, and remember, kids, there are three kinds of people in this world: those who can count, and those who can’t.”

  Friday, January 12

  I’ve been thinking about how cool it would be to be invisible. I could spy on anybody I wanted to!

  Like Amy.

  Don’t tell her I said that.

  Saturday, January 13

  Jordy came over again this afternoon. I asked him why he didn’t just move in. He said, “You have to marry Amy first.”

  MC put her hands on her hips and said, “Yeah!”

  I started to bop both of them with a couch cushion, which would have been very Old Me. But then I thought a New Me thought: ignore them. They want me to get mad and chase them (they think that’s fun), but if I don’t, they’ll get bored and go away.

  So I ignored MC and Jordy while they chanted, “Cody loves Amy! Cody loves Amy!” And I ignored them while they danced around me humming the wedding march song. And I ignored them while they did a hip-hop rap: “Cody and Amy sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Emma in a baby carriage!”

  And then I bopped them both with a co
uch cushion.

  Monday, January 15

  Typed in “cats” and “litter box” on the Internet and surfed around a bit. The next thing I knew there was a picture of a cat using a regular human toilet! It said: “Kitty Whiz Potty Training Kit. No more litter boxes! Includes plastic training form that fits over present toilet seat, bag of attractive herbs, instruction booklet, and diploma.”

  Wow! And it’s only $8.99 plus shipping!

  Later, Monday, January 15

  I waited until Mom went to her book club meeting to show Dad the Kitty Whiz website. (I figured he’d be an easier sell.) He had to work really hard not to laugh—his ears got red and he puckered his lips.

  I asked MC if she’d split the cost of the Kitty Whiz with me. She said, “Sure, then I could take Emma to school and she could go potty for show-and-tell!” But she’d already blown all of her money on an Elvis CD.

  I said I’d buy the Kitty Whiz myself then. Dad acted like I was being silly, but finally said, “Okay, if that’s how you want to spend your savings.” He ordered the kit off the Net with his credit card and I paid him right back. The Kitty Whiz Potty Training Kit will be here in a week to ten days. We’ll be rid of that litter box in no time!

  Thursday, January 18

  Birthday party at school—Zach’s. His mom came at the end of the day and gave each of us a cupcake and a choice of pop. I chose Coke, but then my cup got mixed up with Amy’s Dr Pepper and I couldn’t tell which was which.

  Amy said, “Simple!” She thumped each cup on the tabletop. “That’s yours. Coke makes more bubbles. See?”

  And she was right! Cool trick from a cool girl.

  Friday, January 19

  For art we took turns tracing the shadows of each other’s heads onto a big piece of paper. Then we filled our own profile with pictures cut out from magazines. (That’s called a collage, in case you didn’t know.) Ms. B said, “Choose pictures that reveal the inner you—what you think and feel and believe.”

  I didn’t even realize I’d glued a photo of a guy and a girl walking hand in hand on the beach until Emerson saw it and said, “Whoa! You’ve got it bad for Amy, huh?”

  I slapped a picture of a basketball player on top of the boy and girl, and said, “No!”

  Emerson rolled his eyes, then winked at me like we were in on some little secret together.

  We’re not!

  Sunday, January 21

  In church the preacher ended her sermon by asking us to think about how we show someone we love them. MC leaned over and said, “That’s easy: you take them out to eat, but then just stare into their eyes until your food gets cold.” She wagged her finger at me. “And don’t forget her name. And don’t have smelly feet.”

  Wednesday, January 24

  MC came running into my room this morning, shouting, “Snow! Snow!”

  When I looked out the window, there were big flakes coming down in a blur, sticking to everything. We ran and turned on the radio, and—school had been called off!

  It took me a while, but I found the sled in the back of the garage. Dad showed me how to rub candle wax on the runners to make it go faster. I loaded MC on (Mom and Dad said I had to take her with me) and headed for Woodson Park.

  Tyler and Zach were there, and Emerson, and Amy and Jordy. They were already having sled races down the big hill. Most of the kids were sitting up on their sleds. I figured that if I lay down, that would cut wind resistance, which would make me go faster. And if MC lay on my back, that would add extra weight, which would make me go even faster!

  Tyler said, “Sledders to your mark! Get set! Go!”

  We all pushed like crazy. Zoom! We were flying down the hill, the cold air in our faces, whooping at the top of our lungs. MC and I got out to an early lead, and I thought for sure we were going to win. Right at the bottom, though, heavyweight Emerson came flying past us and over the finish line first.

  MC threw a snowball at him. Emerson laughed and threw one back. It missed MC and hit Tyler. Tyler scooped up some snow and flung it at Emerson, but it missed and hit Amy. Amy shot one back that ended up hitting me. She grinned and I knew she’d done it on purpose. I threw one at her. She ducked it, then nailed me in the shoulder. Anyway, within seconds all the kids in the park were laughing and throwing snowballs at each other. (Except for Jordy, who kept throwing them at himself and yelling, “Oh, got me!” and falling down.) We had a full-scale war on our hands!

  I’m not sure how it ended up with everybody against Tyler and Zach and Amy and me. What I do know, though, is that I’ve never been so glad to have such bad odds. True, our side had to retreat up the hill under a hail of snowball bullets. And I got hit right in the back of the neck and snow went down my jacket. But once we got behind the boulders, we were able to hold off the charge.

  Then I found the bungee cords.

  Yep, two of them under the snow where somebody had dropped them, I guess. In a flash of true brilliance, I whipped off my scarf and knotted each end to a bungee cord and—eureka!—we had a BIG slingshot.

  Tyler held one end of one bungee cord, Zach the other. Amy and I fitted the biggest snowball we could into my scarf and pulled back. The enemy charged. Amy said, “Wait until you see the whites of their eyes!” Zach grinned. “Yeah, then nail ’em! Especially Emerson!” Just as they topped the hill, Amy said, “Fire!” We let go and the huge snowball went flying and hit Emerson right in the chest. Hit him so hard it knocked him back into MC. Who got knocked back into Jordy. Who threw another snowball at himself and said, “Oh, got me!” MC jumped up and said, “Hey, you guys, that was no fair!”

  Amy laughed. “All’s fair in love and war!”

  I said, “Love?”

  By that time Zach and Tyler had a new snow cannonball ready. “Get ’em, you two!” Tyler ordered.

  Did we ever. Amy gave me a high five and said, “Cool slingshot, Cody!”

  After a lunch of hot soup, I got on some dry clothes and met Amy back at the park. Even though the snow was melting, we sledded and sledded until almost dark, just the two of us. I got home with icicle toes and freezing fingers, and Mom had to run a hot bath to get me warmed back up. But you know what? I didn’t care. My toes and fingers might have been cold, but my heart wasn’t. I’m in love with Amy, and I think she loves me!

  Saturday, January 27

  Kitty Whiz came today! Dad couldn’t stop laughing when he saw the plastic training ring that fits on our toilet seat. He thought the dried herbs I sprinkled in there to attract Emma were pretty funny, too. The diploma I’m supposed to give Emma when she graduates from Kitty Whiz College was what really cracked him up, though. He was laughing so hard he had to leave the bathroom.

  Which was fine with me. I had serious work to do. But Emma didn’t seem to be interested, not even when I picked her up and stuck her onto the toilet seat. She ran off and hid. I’ll try again tomorrow.

  Sunday, January 28

  Emma still not with the Kitty Whiz program. Maybe I’ll give her a day of rest and start again on Tuesday. That’ll give me time to read the instruction booklet, too.

  I know, you’re always supposed to read the instructions first. But hey, I figured, what’s so hard about using the toilet?

  I wonder what Amy’s doing tonight. Maybe I should call and we could just talk.

  About what?

  Hmm … there’s a lot to learn about being in love.

  Tuesday, January 30

  Stayed in from recess and helped Amy clean out Ralphster’s TV cage. We took turns holding him while the other one worked. I got to put in the new cedar chips. The old ones smelled yucky, but the new ones smelled good.

  When Amy leaned close to put Ralphster back in his cage, I noticed that she smells good, too. Not perfume kind of good, just Amy good.

  Wednesday, January 31

  Ms. B announced that there will be a talent show in March. It’s open to all grades, kindergarten through fifth. Lots of kids are going to try out. Not this kid, though. I can’t sing,
and the only instrument I play is my CD player. I’m good at running, and basketball, but neither of them are talent show stuff.

  Amy and Libby said they’re going to try out, maybe sing a song. Amy has a great voice. She’s good at everything. MC is going to try out, too. She’s going to sing an Elvis tune—“Hound Dog.” Can’t wait.

  Thursday, February 1

  Emma hissed and actually tried to bite me this afternoon when I lifted her onto the Kitty Whiz plastic toilet seat. And me trying to make life easier for her. After all, she wouldn’t have to scratch around in that dusty old kitty litter anymore.

  Friday, February 2

  Sat near Amy today at lunch. She laughed when I stuck an orange peel in my mouth so it looked like I had orange teeth. She’s got a good sense of humor.

  Sunday, February 4

  Locked Emma in the bathroom with the Kitty Whiz so she couldn’t help but get the Kitty Whiz idea. She pooped on the floor.

  Dad says I’m confusing her. Mom says this is not what we need right now. MC says she’s glad she didn’t waste her money on Kitty Whiz.

  Here’s what I say: ARRRRGGGGHHHH!

  Tuesday, February 6

  Dreamed about Amy last night. Saw her first thing at school. Thought about my dream and got embarrassed. She said, “What’s wrong?” I said, “Nothing.”

  Wednesday, February 7

  Libby says that Amy says that Jordy says that MC says that I drew a picture of Amy in my journal.