Attack of the Mutant Underwear

by Tom Birdseye

Dreamed Ms. B stood in front of the class and said, “Did someone lose these?” She was holding up a pair of underwear. My underwear, and they were alive, wriggling in her hand, calling out, “Cody! Cody!” Everybody started laughing and I screamed, “No!” and woke myself up.

  After an Old Me dream like that, not to mention that it was Friday the thirteenth again, I decided to play it safe and stay home. I told Mom I was feeling sick. She bought it without any argument. Which I thought was kind of strange. Until I realized that was because she was feeling sick. Turns out she had the twenty-four-hour flu. Which she was kind enough to share with me. Which just goes to show you: bad luck travels.

  Sometimes I wish I could just fast-forward life and skip over the Old Me parts.

  Monday, April 16

  Ms. B announced today that we’ll be having a science fair.

  “Science fair?” Zach said, a little too loud, and a little too smart-alecky. Ms. B eyed him for a few seconds, and I thought, Uh-oh, she’s going to let him have it.

  But she didn’t. She took a deep breath like you see teachers do, and then gave us a little handout thingy that explains what we’re supposed to do. This is it:

  Science Project Procedure

  (A) Come up with a scientific question. (For example: How much light is best for spinach plants?)

  (B) Devise an experiment to answer the question. (Divide spinach sprouts into groups and place in varying lights, from none to full sun. Observe their growth rates and record data.)

  (C) Present your findings. (Display plants, along with an explanation of your experiment and what you concluded.)

  Ms. B said, “Of course you’ll be more creative than my example! Go wild! Have fun!”

  Zach rolled his eyes, then acted like he was dialing a phone. “Hello?” he whispered. “Earth to Ms. B. The fact that we now have even more schoolwork than ever is not fun.”

  Ain’t that the truth.

  Ms. B says the science fair will be on Friday, June first. Oh, joy. Can’t wait.

  Friday, April 20

  Tonight MC pulled some lint from her belly button and said, “How did that get in there?”

  Which I figured to be one of the great scientific questions of all time. And would make a great project for the science fair!

  To really do it right, though, first I’d have to give some background information: Why we have a belly button, who has one and who doesn’t, and I’d use lots of fancy medical terms, like innie and outie. Next I’d go into “Fun Things You Can Do with Your Belly Button,” like decorating it, or how to convert it into a secret compartment, or make cool noises with it, or how to belly dance (maybe). And of course I’d have to include “Care of Your Belly Button,” which would be full of useful tips on daily maintenance, travel with your belly button, sand and lint removal (that’s for MC), climate control, and meeting its social needs.

  Then, after really grabbing everybody’s interest, I’d hit them with not only the scientific question of belly button lint, but also:

  Why do we have only one belly button?

  What if we had none?

  What do belly buttons do when we’re asleep?

  Do belly buttons communicate with one another?

  Do belly buttons ever eat homework?

  I’d have an experiment for each scientific question, and even though Ms. B might roll her eyes and shake her head and think I was being silly, Tyler and Zach might think it was cool.

  So maybe I’ll do that.

  Then again, maybe I won’t.

  Saturday, April 21

  Jordy came over today. (Surprise! Surprise!) He and MC went to the park, where they caught seven tadpoles in the creek. Mom let them make an aquarium out of an old plastic bucket. The tadpoles seemed to like it. They swam around a lot.

  After lunch Mom took MC and Jordy to her library and they checked out a book on raising tadpoles. The book says that tadpoles eat algae in the wild, but in captivity you can just boil up some spinach and feed them that.

  “Spinach?” MC said, and started making gagging sounds. Jordy fell on the floor and acted like he was dying of bug spray. They both put clothespins on their noses and made lots of faces when they were boiling the spinach. It was fun to watch them suffer.

  Here’s the best part, though: MC and Jordy were so into those tadpoles that they sat around the rest of the afternoon watching them and didn’t bother me at all!

  Ah, peace and quiet … so I could play my CDs REALLY LOUD!

  Tuesday, April 24

  Ms. B reminded us that we should definitely be getting going with our science fair projects if we haven’t already. She started asking who was doing what, and lots of kids were raising their hands and bragging—Emerson, Amy, Libby, Tyler. Ms. B was working her way around the class, and I could see she’d be asking me soon. It was one of those think-fast-or-die moments, and I was getting panicky, when suddenly I had this great idea. My scientific question would be: What is the best way to burp?

  Think about it. Some people are definitely better burpers than others. Zach, for example. He can really blast ’em. He claims it’s all in the throat, but I think there may be other secrets. I’d come up with an experiment, and have my subjects drink Coke and then burp (my favorite technique), and then try water (not enough fizz?), and then try burping while bending over, or standing on their heads.

  I could experiment with location, too. They could burp in the school bathroom (better echo in there?), the cafeteria, the hall, in the back of the bus. Then I could present my findings at the science fair with an all-school burp-off. Yeah! That would be so cool! Tyler and Zach would be bound to laugh at that!

  But just as Ms. B was looking my way, the lunch bell rang, so I didn’t get to share my great science fair project idea.

  Wednesday, April 25

  If you look closely, you can see that some of MC and Jordy’s tadpoles are growing back legs. Emma was interested in seeing, but MC said, “Don’t even think about it!” and put her out in the hall. Emma looked up at me and said, “Meow.” I’m not much at Catlish, but I’m pretty sure that meant “Me want to eat tadpoles NOW!”

  Thursday, April 26

  Zach and Tyler got into an argument today, so Zach picked me to be his partner in science lab. Turns out we’re really good together. We were the only team in the class that got all the answers right!

  So there, Ms. B.

  Friday, April 27

  Our PE teacher, Mrs. Radicci (we call her Mrs. Radish), said we’re going to start square dancing next week. Zach groaned. So did I.

  Mrs. Radish said, “I know it may sound odd to some of you, but there are those who actually want to dance.”

  Zach and I rolled our eyes. Who in their right mind would want to do that?

  Saturday, April 28

  Tried burping while standing on my head and almost threw up. Think maybe I’ll find another science fair project.

  MC said she and Jordy have adopted the tadpoles, so now they are official members of the family. I said, “Just like we found you in the creek and adopted you!”

  She said, “Ha, ha, very funny.”

  Anyway, she and Jordy have named the seven tadpoles after the seven dwarfs in Snow White. So now we have Sleepy, Happy, Dopey, Sneezy, Grumpy, Doc, and Bashful. I took pictures of them with Dad’s new camera. We printed them out, so MC and Jordy tacked up the pics on MC’s wall.

  Monday, April 30

  Girls, in case you didn’t know, are crazy. Square dancing started today, and turns out they ALL like it. Plus—get this—Emerson said he likes it, too.

  Maybe Zach is right. Maybe Emerson really is a complete and total dweeb.

  Mrs. Radish assigned partners, and I had to dance with Libby. Libby groaned, so I groaned back even louder. Mrs. Radish told me to be quiet or she was going to send me to the office. She didn’t say a word to Libby. Which just goes to show you: men get discriminated against, too!

  Anyway, to make things worse, Libby and I had to hold hands. I would
rather have grabbed onto a giant slug. But Mrs. Radish looked right at me, so I took Libby’s hand. I thought it would be slimy and cold. It was smooth and warm, but weird anyway.

  Tuesday, May 1

  Ms. B says the chocolate bar sale didn’t earn enough money for the Incredible-Fantastic-End-of-the-Year Camp-Out. The campground costs more than she thought it would, and the tour of the fish hatchery, and the natural history museum, too. Plus gas money for the parents who drive. And then there’s food. “It takes lots of bucks to feed all of you.”

  Zach leaned over to me and whispered, “Yeah, especially to feed fat boy Emerson.”

  Speaking of big eaters, those tadpoles must be gobbling a lot. Their back legs are growing fast! MC and Jordy want to keep track of whose are the longest. I showed them how to chart it all on a graph. MC said, “Neato!” Right now Grumpy is ahead.

  Wednesday, May 2

  Today in PE Mrs. Radish said that not only do we boys have to hold hands with our square dance partners, but we also have to put our arms over their shoulders when we walk around the square side by side. (That’s called a promenade, in case you didn’t know.) Libby and I got it okay, but I could tell she didn’t like it any more than I did.

  Tyler and Zach almost got into a fight over soccer. Zach said Tyler tripped him. Tyler said he didn’t. Zach said he did. Tyler said he didn’t. Zach said he did. Tyler said, “You argue all the time.” Zach said, “No, I don’t! You do!” Tyler said, “No, I don’t! You do!” Zach balled up his fists. Tyler did, too. And for a minute I thought they were really going to slug it out.

  But then Emerson walked up and tripped over his own feet. He flopped face first onto the ground with his big butt sticking up in the air and the top of his underwear showing.

  Everybody started laughing. Which would have completely fried me. But Emerson just laughed, too, like he enjoyed embarrassing situations. Anyway, with all that going on, Zach and Tyler forgot about their argument.

  Thursday, May 3

  Zach called me Big Guy today. “Hey, Big Guy!” was what he said. Then he slapped me on the back like we are really good friends.

  Which we are, you know.

  After school MC came running into my room (without knocking, of course), shouting “Sleepy’s got front legs! Grumpy, too!” She grabbed me and dragged me to go see. Sure enough, two of the tadpoles now have front legs. “They weren’t there this morning when I got up!” MC said. “It’s a miracle!”

  While she took a bunch of photos, I looked in her tadpole book and found out that actually the front legs were growing all along, just covered by a thin layer of skin. That’s what all tadpoles do. Then they just broke through, and—tah-dah!—four-legged froggies.

  Fund-raiser car wash for the Incredible-Fantastic-End-of-the-Year Camp-Out will be a week from Saturday at the Texaco station.

  Friday, May 4

  Today was Dress Like a Book Character Day. Ms. B’s idea. She loves reading. She wore pig ears made out of felt. “I’m Wilbur,” she said, “from Charlotte’s Web!”

  I forgot and just came as regular old me.

  Still stuck with Libby in square dance. Amy switched partners, though, and ended up with Tyler. Libby whispered, “Bet you’re jealous, huh?”

  Ha! I didn’t care who Amy danced with. I laughed right in Libby’s face. Ha! Ha! Mrs. Radish said that if I keep it up, she really is going to send me to the office, no kidding, just try her one more time and see.

  Doc the tadpole died. MC and Jordy found him after school, floating belly-up in the bucket. MC cried. Jordy put his arm around her shoulder and said, “Doc will be in tadpole heaven.” They had a funeral with Elvis music and buried Doc in the backyard.

  Saturday, May 5

  Jordy showed up right before lunch (his timing is always good) with a new Doc swimming around in a jar. He said Amy went down to the park this morning and caught it for him and MC.

  Which was a nice thing to do. I guess. If you don’t mind frogs. And if you don’t have to live with them in the house, like I do.

  Still, I would have caught them a new Doc if they’d just asked.

  Sunday, May 6

  Went over to Zach’s house. His big brother Travis has a sign on his bedroom door that says, NO FARTING ZONE! Zach said, “Right. He’s the worst farter in the family. I’ll bet he farts fifty times a day.”

  Which was probably an exaggeration. But it got me to thinking: just how many times a day do people fart?

  Which seemed like a perfectly good scientific question.

  Which would make it a perfectly good science fair project, if I could figure out a way to count farts. The problem is that most people try to act like they didn’t fart. If it’s a silent one and not too stinky, they’ll just keep on talking, or doing their math, or whatever. How would I count those?

  Of course, lots of farts aren’t silent. They can come out in one big loud shot. Or two at a time. Or a whole series of little poots. They can blat, or poof, or pop, or fizz, or froot. Sometimes they even sound like a tuba, or a French horn, or what Dad calls a “toot on nature’s trumpet.” But no matter what style of fart, people try to cover up the noise. They shuffle their feet, or cough, or tap their pencil. It’d be tough not to miss some.

  That just leaves counting the smell. Which might seem simple enough, but it would be hard, too. Farts can smell like beans, or a garbage can, or sulfur (which is the worst, in my scientific opinion). And even when one goes really high on the Peeuw scale, let’s say an eight or nine, and you know for sure that’s a fart you’re smelling, the farter will often blame the dog, or just get up and leave the room.

  So that would make it pretty impossible to answer my scientific question. Which means maybe this wouldn’t make such a perfectly good science fair project after all. Or even just a plain old good one. Too bad. Imagine the look on Ms. B’s face (and the grin on Zach’s) when I unveiled my display: “The Farting Zone!”

  I’d be famous.

  Monday, May 7

  Today in square dancing we learned to do a grand right and left. Emerson kept getting right and left mixed up. He turned the wrong way and bumped into Libby. I thought she was going to haul off and whack him, but she didn’t.

  Tuesday, May 8

  Got to school a little early this morning. Amy and Ms. B were watching the Hamster Channel. Ralphster must have been fixing to do a death-defying motorcycle stunt or something extreme, because both Amy and Ms. B looked worried. I wanted to watch, too, but Amy and I don’t get along so well anymore.

  Wednesday, May 9

  Finally, I got to switch partners and get away from Libby. Mrs. Radish put me with Emily, the new girl from Texas who sits in the back of the class and hardly says a word. We learned to twirl and swing. I twirled Emily a little too hard, I guess, and she almost fell down. Mrs. Radish gave me the evil eye again, but Emily smiled and said, “Yeehaw!” Which, when coming from the quietest kid in the class, means I’m a pretty good dancer. So there, Mrs. Radish!

  Thursday, May 10

  MC said I have stinky feet. I told her she has a messed-up nose. But then I sniffed my soccer shoes and PEEUW! I hate to admit it (and never would to MC), but she’s right!

  Which got me wondering: So what causes stinky feet, anyway? Dad said, “The stinky feet gremlins.” Mom said, “Bacteria. It grows down in your shoes, then gets in between your toes.” Which sounded like science talk to me, and all of a sudden I was thinking, Maybe I could do a stinky feet project for the science fair!

  I got on the Internet and found a website full of experiments kids can do. It explained how to collect a microscopic sample with a Q-tip. (Just rub it between your toes.) And gave a recipe using stuff from the kitchen to make this gooey stuff they call a “medium” to help your sample grow.

  I found everything I needed—chicken bouillon cubes, sugar, yeast—and boiled it so it would be sterile, just like the instructions said. Then all I had to do was let the medium cool, pour it into a canning jar, toss in the Q-tip,
close the lid real tight, and—presto!—my project was off and running!

  I put the jar in the back of my closet, where it’s dark and warm, like the inside of a shoe. If it works, I’ll grow lots of disgusting organisms that will stink like my—er, someone’s funky soccer cleats. And I can display them at the science fair, and everybody (even Ms. B) will pass out from the smell!

  Which would be very dramatic, and very cool.

  Title idea for this journal: The Very Dramatic and Very Cool Life of Cody Lee Carson.

  Car wash Saturday to raise money for the Incredible-Fantastic-End-of-the-Year Camp-Out. Ms. B says, “Be there or be square.”

  Be square? Must be old-person talk.

  Saturday, May 12

  Great day for a car wash—sunny and warm. We cleaned nineteen cars. Most people gave us five dollars or so, but some gave us extra when they heard what we were earning it for. And then Amy’s dad donated some more cash, just because. So altogether we earned $132.

  Which, added to the $439.50 we earned on the chocolate bars, gives us $571.50!

  Which Ms. B said was finally enough for our Incredible-Fantastic-End-of-the-Year Camp-Out. We celebrated by spraying her with water. Zach really got her. He’s a good shot. Only problem was, Ms. B’s a better shot!

  Found Emma hanging around MC’s door again. Shooed her away, but later she snuck right back.

  Monday, May 14

  Got partnered up with Amy in square dancing today. She acted like there was nothing weird about it, so I did, too. Mrs. Radish tried to teach us a move called “duck for the oyster, dive for the clam.” It sounded more like a seafood dinner than a dance to me and was pretty complicated. Amy and I got it right, though, and Mrs. Radish rewarded us by making us demonstrate for the whole class. Amy seemed proud and smiled at me for the first time since Valentine’s Day. I smiled back.