Vampire Charming

by Cassandra Gannon

“Don’t be ridiculous. Everyone likes me. I am the hero of my people.”

  “I don’t believe in heroes.”

  “That is an absurd thing to say. You might as well not believe in Vampires.”

  Jane barely resisted the urge to strangle him with her bare hands. “Look, I just want to go home. I don’t belong inside The Black Cauldron. I never even saw The Black Caldron. As soon as I’m sober, I’m pretty sure I’m going to have a total fucking breakdown. Understand? We’re talking rocking-in-a-fetal-position-until-all-the-scariness-stops freak out of epic goddamn proportions. So just send me back to Chicago, before I lose it!”

  He blinked at the vehemence in her tone. “I cannot.”

  “Can’t or won’t?”

  “Can’t. I haven’t the magicks necessary to cross realms. Only a Witch can do that. But, fear not.” He nodded wisely. “If this is truly what you wish, I know where we can find such a woman.”

  Jane closed her eyes. “Please say she’s in this bar.”

  “No. But, she is a princess, held prisoner by Fang, the Werewolf overlord who has seized Infinia. She is also a mighty Witch of untold powers. When we save Princess Allandrina, she will fling herself into my mighty arms in gratitude. As we embrace, I will ask her to grant your request.”

  Jane squinted at him. “So we’re doing all this so you can get laid?” She translated.

  Slade shook his head. “Allandrina will be my bride.” He explained like he already had it all figured out. “Together we will rule these lands in supreme splendor and magnificence.”

  The arrogance was breathtaking. “So it’s her kingdom and you’re just going to take it? What kind of sexist crap is that?” Why did female characters in movies always have to be props for men? “Besides, you’ve never met this girl. What makes you think she’ll even want you?”

  “Of course she will want me. All women want me.”

  Jane scoffed at that. “Except for me, your cheating ex, and anyone else with higher brains functions.”

  “Melessa doesn’t count. Neither do you, since you are inebriated and not thinking straight. Allandrina will be far more reasonable, especially since I am her only path to reclaiming her kingdom. Even if she does not like me as person, she will like that I can give her back her crown. Trust me, we will quickly reach a mutually beneficial understanding.”

  “Very romantic. Use those exact words when you propose. She’ll be putty in your hands.”

  “I am through with romance.” Slade declared. “For millennia, I longed for my Eternal-One. Having found Melessa, I now realize that the tradition is highly overrated.” He firmed his jaw. “My next bride will be chosen without regard to my Vampiric instincts. It will be a straightforward business arrangement between us. Like one of the shallow ‘marriages’ you humans have.”

  Jane still wasn’t drunk enough to deal with him.

  He frowned as she poured some more liquor. “You are a part of a weaker species, Jane Squire. This much alcohol is sure to affect you. If you continue on this way, you will no doubt pass out soon.”

  “Here’s hoping.” She raised her glass in a mock toast and downed it in one swallow.

  Slade’s brows drew together. “You seem upset.” He finally decided. “But there is no reason to despair. Our path is clear. This could be a great new start for us both.”

  “You’re here because you’re on the rebound.” Jane told him. “You’re trying to get over Melissa…”

  “Melessa.”

  “Like it matters. The point is, you’re having some kind of emotional crisis because you got dumped. I haven’t got dumped. My life is just fine the way it is. I don’t need a fresh start.”

  “I believe you do. That is why fate has brought us together.”

  Jane rolled her eyes. “Iverson’s Grocery brought us together. Speaking of which, thanks to you, I have to go job hunting in the morning. Not only am I stuck on a different planet, but I’m going to be hung over for the interviews.”

  Focusing on her unemployment seemed preferable to dealing with the rest of this nightmare. Even if Slade went back to the store and explained that he was solely responsible for the great apple caper, odds were good that she wasn’t going to be rehired. Not when she’d dealt with her unwarranted firing by punching Mr. Anderson right in his ratty little face. Damn it, this was why she didn’t take risks. Whenever she did something impulsive, disaster struck.

  Still, she was pissed off that Zapp Brannigan didn’t even care that he’d lost her her job. Not that he seemed to care about anything that wasn’t directly related to Slade, Sladeness, or Sladeiocity.

  “You are a vital part of my quest, Jane Squire. I feel it. Our futures lie in the same direction.”

  “Bullshit.” She turned to meet his eyes. “Why did you really drag me into this?”

  Men who looked like Slade didn’t strike up random conversations with women like her. Even in sappy Lifetime movies, the “plain” girl was always TV plain. The kind of plain where she took off her glasses and she suddenly looked like Grace Kelly. Jane was regular plain. The kind of plain where she took off her glasses and nothing happened, except she couldn’t see. She was overlooked and passed by, because there was just nothing particularly memorable about her.

  “Why did you even start talking to me, Slade?” She persisted when he remained quiet.

  “I…” For the first time ever, he looked unsure. “I cannot explain it, but, when I saw you, I felt as if I had… found you after a long search. I know that we must complete this journey together.” He regarded her with hopeful sincerity. “All my Vampiric instincts tell me that you are important to my success.”

  Jane rolled her eyes. “Then we’re both screwed, because I’ve got nothing to offer right now.” She was used to taking charge, but this was way above her coping threshold. “I’m barely holding myself together, in case you haven’t noticed.”

  “I will hold you together. You support me and I support you. That is how it should be. We are partners in this.”

  She glanced over at him, unexpectedly touched by that offer. She’d never had a partner before. It sounded almost nice.

  His Caribbean blue gaze held hers steadily, sensing her hesitation. “Trust me.” He urged and, for one second, she nearly bought into the fairytale.

  Christ, she really was loaded.

  Jane looked away and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Just leave.” She ordered tiredly. She wasn’t getting sucked into his insanity. She couldn’t take that kind of risk. “You’re a big, shiny disaster area. I’ll find my own way home.”

  Slade sat down beside her, refusing to give up. “You are overwrought.” He diagnosed in a wise tone. “It is a common ailment of lower species. If you would just heed my greater…”

  “Go away, Slade! I’m staying right here and figuring this out alone.” As usual, the only one she could count on was herself.

  He blinked, amazed that she didn’t want him hovering around and spreading more chaos. “You’re being unreasonable.” He sputtered. “You need me.”

  “Need you? For what?” Getting far away from him was the logical choice. Jesus, she was basically babysitting the big doofus. “I can get home by myself.” With him leading the way, she’d end up retiring in this shithole dimension full refugees from a Monty Python skit. God only knew what mess he’d lead them into next.

  What she really needed was more liquor.

  Slade’s frown deepened. “You need me to look out for you, Jane Squire. You are young and entirely helpless. You have no magicks, so I do not think you fully understand the situation. Inter-dimensional travel is very difficult. It can only happen with the aid of a Witch.”

  “So you’ve said.”

  “Then, you should listen. You cannot get back to your world without me finding Allandrina first. It’s impossible.”

  “Watch me.”

  He sighed as if he was disappointed by her attitude. “I believe you are in denial about our circumstances. It isn’t healthy.” />
  “I’m not in denial. I’m well aware of the fact that you’ve ruined my life.” She waved a hand towards the exit. “Go back to Asgard and battle Frost Giants, alright? I want no part of your crazy Stan Lee fantasies.”

  “There is no such world as Asgard. And Frost Giants are pleasant creatures, who I would never battle…”

  “Would you please stop talking and just leave me alone?”

  “You are supposed to be my trusty servant!”

  “Then consider this my resignation!”

  The two of them glowered at each other for a long moment.

  Finally, Slade straightened with grave dignity. “I do not accept your resignation. As your caring and wise employer, I have no wish to upset you, though. Therefore, I have decided that you may remain in this safe and well-lighted tavern, futilely drinking to escape reality.”

  “That’s the plan.”

  “Meanwhile, I shall go meet with the rebels at their hidden base and formulate the next step of our plan.”

  “Best of luck. I really mean that.” She didn’t mean that.

  He wasn’t done. “I shall return for you in two hours.”

  Jane’s jaw ticked. “Then, I won’t be here in two hours.”

  “Then, I will find you in two hours and five minutes.” He leaned in even closer, his nauseatingly handsome face serious. For once, he actually seemed like a badass Vampire King. “I am a thousand years old and the greatest tracker of my kind. No one can evade me, so don’t bother to try.”

  “Are you threatening me, you son-of-a-bitch?”

  “No. I am protecting you. This is a dangerous land for small humans. We must remain together.”

  Hang on… Did he just call her small?

  Granted, Slade was massive, so everyone probably seemed small to him, but the unprecedented comment still mitigated her desire to drive a wooden stake through his heart. No one ever thought Jane was small.

  No one ever wanted to protect her, either. In her neighborhood, life was sink or swim. Jane’s parents had both split when she was a baby. She’d been raised by an elderly aunt who’d passed away when Jane was still in high school. Since childhood, she’d been looking out for herself. Some of her anger faded as she realized that Slade was actually trying to help. Kind of.

  Jane took a deep breath and considered her options. Slade was a dick, but he was basically harmless and bizarrely fixated on keeping her with him. He also seemed pretty gullible for someone who’d been alive for ten centuries. Playing along with his lunacy was probably the best choice.

  “Jane.” She finally said. “Stop using my last name and just call me Jane. The ‘Jane Squire’ thing is annoying me.”

  Slade inclined his head, taking that as a victory. “Of course.” His disgustingly shiny teeth gleamed in a triumphant smile. “I shall return soon, Jane. Stay here and regain your strength.”

  He patted her head with a condensing brush of his hand, his fingers lingering for a beat in the tangle of curls. Jane had tried every straightener on the market, but her hair was beyond help. Slade seemed to notice, damn him. His eyes stayed on the unfashionable mess, like it fascinated him.

  “This journey has clearly been hard on your feeble human constitution.” He murmured. His thumb absently wound through one of spirals and he let out an odd sigh.

  She tried hard to ignore the feel of his palm smoothing over her unruly hair. No way was she drunk enough to be attracted to this jackass. She refused to be that pathetic. Jane hated him with a festering passion. She just had to keep reminding herself of that fact.

  She also wasn’t going to wait around this bar for him, because she was better off without the big oaf. There was no sense in telling him that, though. Jane gave a “Yeah, you betcha” sort of nod. “Yeah, you betcha.”

  Slade grinned and let his hand slip from her curls. “That is more like it! Here.” He dropped a red folder on the counter. “While I am gone, peruse From Here to Infinia and familiarize yourself with our new kingdom. We have much to accomplish.”

  He headed off, satisfied that she would obediently stay put. Kings were probably used to people following orders. Four bearded men with hairy goat legs pranced after Slade, no doubt leading him towards the hidden rebel base or whatever Star Wars crap this “script” was plagiarizing.

  Jane rubbed her temple. Against her better judgment, she flipped through the thick binder. Page after page of barely coherent sci-fi bullshit and some punk named Roland. Not to mention the Endless Woods… And the Magma Pits of Maldondorr… And the Obsidian Fortress… Who the hell had written this garbage? Christ, From Here to Infinia was everything wrong with modern films.

  Jane slammed the folder shut, again. Maybe she was in denial, because no way could this really be happening. No way were Slade and some little horned guys really conspiring against a Werewolf king. No way was she stuck in some God-awful fantasy movie. No way was her only ticket home some kidnapped princess-witch who Slade wanted to seduce. Jane just wouldn’t accept that this was her life, now.

  No. fucking. way.

  She was going back to her shoebox apartment, ordering a pizza she could no longer afford, and throwing darts at pictures of Barnabas Collins. Goddamn Vampires were not going to…

  “Is your Vampiric master leaving with the Satyr brothers?” Tegan the bartender whispered in horror, interrupting Jane’s silent pep-talk.

  Jane slowly raised her eyes to look at the woman. “You did not just say ‘Vampiric master.” For the sake of her tip, blondie better start back-peddling.

  “The Satyr brothers cannot be trusted.” Tegan continued with theatrical dread. “Like all of Fang’s followers, they prey on anyone who is naive enough to believe their lies. If your lord has fallen into their clutches, he is in grave danger”

  “Wait…” Jane began piecing that gibberish together. “Those fuzzy guys who just left aren’t rebels? They’re working for King Werewolf?

  “The Satyr brothers are mercenaries. They work only for rubies and Fang offers massive rewards for anyone who can bring him Vampires. He hates them. They say a strong and noble Vampire drove him from his last world. He’s never forgiven their race.” Tegan clutched her palms to her massive chest. “If Fang gets his hands on your handsome master, I shudder to think what he might do.”

  “Can you stop calling him my master, please?” Still, Jane found herself looking towards the door, scanning for Slade’s golden head.

  He was gone.

  Her jaw tightened. It wasn’t her problem. Jane had long ago learned to avoid unnecessary risks and Slade was incredibly unnecessary. What did she care if he was walking into a trap? The Vampire King was nothing but a royal pain in the ass.

  Besides, he’d be fine on his own. To hear Slade tell it, he was the greatest warrior, strategist, leader, and polo player the world had ever seen. He rattled off his spectacular accomplishments by the dozen. With an ego like that, he should be able to easily pick off those chubby little imps, in between saving some elderly nuns from a fire and organizing a canned food drive for baby seals.

  Except, with an ego like that, he wasn’t expecting those chubby little imps to attack.

  Slade anticipated that everyone in Infinia would welcome him as their big, blond savior. He wouldn’t see the Satyr brothers’ betrayal coming until it was too late. The guy might possess superpowers, but he had all the streets smarts of one of his precious forlorn kittens.

  On the other hand, Jane had grown up in places like this. A little less medieval looking, but filled with the same kind of amoral opportunists. It was probably the reason she was able to at least semi-adjust to this craziness. Jane was a survivor. She’d never had the luxury of daydreaming about happy endings.

  Prince Charming only showed up to save the heroine of the story. Day-players like Jane learned to save themselves.

  She might be confused and panicked and not sure how this nightmare had happened, but she could quickly adapt to all kinds of bullshit. It was what kept her alive through her cr
appy childhood and an endless string of professional failures. She was going to find a way out of this mess. Jane was a pragmatist.

  Slade wasn’t.

  If she didn’t intervene, her new “boss” would be staked out in the sun by morning. Something inside of her jolted at that idea. Shit. She couldn’t just let Slade die. …No matter how tempting it was.

  Jane blew out an irritated breath and looked over at Tegan. “Alright, fine.” She muttered, feeling grouchy and put upon. “Where are they taking him?”

  “To the forest caves, no doubt. They often hide there.” She leaned closer to Jane across the counter. “You’re not planning to go after them, are you?” She sounded simultaneous enthralled and scandalized by the idea. “Perhaps, you should forget about the Vampire. Your problems don’t amount to a hill of beans in Infinia.”

  “Oh for God’s sake, that is an incorrectly quoted line from Casablanca.” Jane picked up the folder again and fanned through it. “Is this just one stolen movie quote after another? Is that why that stupid Elf was screeching paraphrased dialogue from On the Waterfront as it died?” She made a face. “That is so typical. I swear, I’m almost glad I was never cast in a major film. All modern scripts are just inferior rehashes.”

  “You must listen to me!” Tegan cried. “It would be suicide to follow the Satyr brothers. They are the most feared people in this whole town.”

  Jane tossed aside the screenplay, just tipsy enough to be dangerous. “Well, that’s because no one’s met me, yet.” She polished off the last of her drink and slammed it down on the bar. “Now, which way to the caves?”

  Tegan swallowed, seeing her resolve. “Follow the path. Always follow the path. It’s the only way to get anywhere in the Endless Woods.”

  “Really? Is it made of yellow bricks?”

  “Please listen. This will save your life. Don’t leave the trail, because it’s impossible to navigate without it. The forest is enchanted. It plays tricks on you and leads you in circles. People have been lost forever in the Endless Woods.”

  Jane looked around the creepy bar and snorted. “Not enough of them.”