Vampire Charming

by Cassandra Gannon

  The Mage’s powers would’ve incinerated wood, scorched flesh, or electrified swords, but the golf club had an insulated handle. Dallyn’s electrical powers traveling through the metal, the rubber grip not conduct the charge to Jane’s skin. It was the perfect weapon for beating Slade’s bitchy stalker.

  Jane swung the club like a she was going for a homerun at Wrigley Field, smiling with satisfaction as Dallyn cried out in panic. Without her zappiness fixing the fight, it was just about which of them was stronger. Too bad for Dallyn she’d been cast to look good in a leather bathing suit, not for her muscles. Size mattered. Jane hit her again and the impact sent the smaller woman flying backwards into the river.

  Mages’ magicks really should’ve come with a warning not to go swimming. The water came alive with short-circuiting, orange lightning. Dallyn shrieked in agony, her own energy turning against her. Her body was cooked alive in the broiling water, even before she was swept over the falls. Her blackened form disappeared in the torrent.

  All over the Endless Woods, the terrible fires winked out and the ominous claps of thunder faded.

  It was over.

  Jane let out a long breath, glancing at Slade. “Okay, you were right about holding onto the golf clubs.” She admitted. “They did come in handy.”

  For once, the King of the Vampires didn’t remind her that the King of the Vampires was always right. Slade just stared at her, like he was in a trance. It wasn’t like him to pass up a golden opportunity for gloating. Maybe he’d hit his head.

  Jane frowned in concern, looking him over for injuries. “Are you hurt?”

  “In my entire life, I have never felt such joy.” He said quietly. “Thank you for existing, Jane Squire. I had given up hope.”

  Well, that was kind of dramatic, but at least he appreciated the save. About time he showed some gratitude for all the shit she put up with. “You’re welcome.” She muttered, staring over the waterfall. “I don’t think we were supposed to kill Dallyn that easy, though. That probably means she’s still alive.”

  Slade seemed to rouse himself from his amazed stupor. “No being could survive a defeat like that.”

  “If that were true, there would be a lot fewer cheesy sequels filling Cineplexes every August.” Still, there wasn’t anything they could do about Dallyn now. Jane heaved an irritated sigh. “Whatever. Let’s just move onto the next act before something else goes wrong.” She glanced over at the script, which had fallen to the ground a few feet away. “But first, I have to leave a message for my new admirer.”

  Chapter Eleven

  EXT- ENTRANCE TO THE CORPSE ROAD- NIGHT

  FANG stands by the waterfall and reads the note. The piece of paper is pinned to a tree. It seems to be part of a play. It details an odd scene where FANG is reading the page of a script, which has been pinned to a tree. While reading about himself, reading the page of a script, which has been pinned to a tree. While reading about himself, reading the page of the script, reading about himself, reading the page of the script, which has been pinned to a tree. …And so on and so on and so on, until his eyes begin to cross.

  It is dizzying. Like looking into two mirrors at once so you see an infinite army of identical yous, all lined up on top of each other.

  The tales of the magickal book were true. He has no idea what kind of powers could have accomplished such a thing, but he knows that it is not the work of the Vampire. SLADE is too honorable and righteous to gloat. This taunt is from the human. JANE has left a message for him, scrawled across the paper in red river mud and displayed where he was sure to find it.

  JANE’S NOTE

  (In close-up)

  Give it up, asshole. I already know how this story ends.

  Spoiler Alert: You get neutered.

  FANG slowly smiles and his eyes glitter in anticipation. He knows now that fate does exist for Werewolves. That there is one special woman for him. JANE SQUIRE isn’t meant for SLADE. This mocking little bitch is all his.

  FANG

  (Crumpling the note in his hand and turning to his men.)

  Whoever brings me Jane Squire gets a really big castle and a hot date with the princess.

  Redrafted Film Script- “From Here to Infinia”

  The Corpse Road was lined with wild flowers.

  On either side of the twisting path overgrown fields stretched as far as the eye could see. It all looked harmless and still. Almost dreamlike. As if everything in the beautiful landscape was peaceful, and tranquil, and you were the only one for miles. As if there was nothing to worry about except finding the perfect spot for a picnic. As if Monet might wander by later, painting haystacks and colorful blossoms.

  Jane wasn’t fooled.

  The environment was designed to lull you into a false sense of security. The strange vegetation grew tall enough to provide cover for all sorts of badness. That was why the gentle breeze blew juuuust enough to hide any movement in the vast meadows and why the fragrance of the multi-colored blooms tried to seduce you closer. This whole misadventure was doomed and even the plant life knew it.

  Jane looked up at Slade. “Nobody who goes into those fields is coming back out.”

  “I am getting a similar feeling.” Slade’s Caribbean blue eyes scanned the waving grasses, his jaw tightening. “Do not leave the path.” It was a royal decree. “No matter what happens, stay on the gravel.”

  “Like I really planned to go off hiking with the ghosts.” Jane retorted. Even when she knew he was trying to look out for her, it bugged her to follow orders. With the Goblins stationed in every other direction and Slade refusing to fly them out of there, she didn’t have a lot of options, though. “Any chance you can do that teleporting thing you were talking about?”

  “No. Those magicks only work in the heat and the weather here is quite mild.”

  “Heat?” Well, that was typically random and stupid. “God, I can’t believe I let you talk me into this.” Grumbling anti-Vampire sentiments under her breath, she continued down the Corpse Road. “I hate this plan even more than all the other plans I’ve hated.”

  “Great heroes must prove themselves through hardship, Jane. It will all be worth it when we have our kingdom.”

  “I don’t believe in heroes.” Jane reminded him. “And this kingdom belongs to you and Allandrina, not me. I told you, I’m just along for the ride.”

  The “kissing Slade and seeing fireworks” debacle made it super clear that she needed to get out of this place as soon as possible. Every minute she was around the jackass was another minute she was falling deeper under his spell.

  “According to the rebels, Allandrina was not much of a ruler, even before Fang took over. She is not interested in helping Infinia’s people.” Slade glanced at her. “Really, if anyone should be queen of this kingdom, it should be you, Jane. You care for them far more than Allandrina does.”

  Jane laughed at that, realizing that he must be joking. “Yeah, I’m totally cut out for a crown. I’ll have to telecommute from the Windy City, though, because no way am I staying in Hyrule even one second longer than I have to.”

  Slade flashed her a brooding glance. He was unusually pensive, like something was weighing on his mind. Maybe he was still annoyed that she’d left that “Fuck You” letter for Fang. Slade hadn’t thought it was such a good idea for Jane to draw more of the Werewolf’s attention, but she’d been too pissed off to care. Girls from the Southside didn’t cower from bullies.

  “You still wish to leave Infinia?” Slade demanded.

  “Just as fast as I can click my ruby heels together, pal.”

  He looked down at her battered Nikes in confusion. “Is your footwear enchanted?”

  “No, of course it’s not… Oh, never mind.” Jane sighed. “Yes, I’m still leaving. The fact that a psychotic Werewolf now wants to make me his girlfriend, just makes my travel plans out of this dimension sound all the sweeter. You and Princess Toadstool can rule the Mushroom Kingdom on your own. I just want to get away from Bowser.
”

  Slade’s jaw ticked. “I will deal with Fang.” He promised quietly. “You do not need to fear him.”

  The flatness of his tone caused Jane to stop walking and focus on his serious face. Slade was always so positive and cheerful. She liked that about him. His exuberant optimism was the exact opposite of Jane’s relentless practicality, so it felt like a breath of fresh air. Seeing him in this dark mood confused her.

  “I know you’ll beat Fang.” She assured him, in case that was what he was so worked up about. “I’m just angry that there’s been a script change and now he’s apparently obsessed with me, for some reason. Villains in the movies get obsessed with the heroine, not the sidekick. It doesn’t make any sense.”

  “You are not a sidekick.” Slade’s celestial eyes burned into hers, the perfect blue glowing like the heart of flames. “And I’m not just going to beat Fang. I’m going to kill him.” It was a vow. “Now that Fang has your scent, he’s a threat to you. I will eradicate all threats to you, Jane, in this land and every other.”

  “I can eradicate my own threats. I think I proved that at the waterfall.” She arched a brow. “Besides, you can’t make this all about me. You were already going to kill Fang remember?”

  “Well, now I am going to kill him more. Everything has become about you. Fang and I both know that.” He shook his head. “The Werewolf thinks to take you from me and I will die before I lose you. There is nothing that will pry you from my side.”

  Jane stared up at him, mesmerized by his intensity. No one had ever cared so much about keeping her around. “Gee, that doesn’t sound stalker-ish, at all.” She whispered, because it was a better option than ripping off his clothes. “You’re not planning on locking me in a dungeon or something, are you?”

  Slade relaxed slightly at her sarcasm. The side of his mouth curved upward. “You can go anywhere and do anything you wish, Jane Squire.” One of his massive palms cupped the side of her check. “You will just never have to do it alone.”

  Wow.

  Jane swallowed hard and ducked away from him, before she melted into a puddle. Putting some distance between them would be a very smart idea, right now. Slade was way too good at telling a girl without a home just what she secretly wanted to hear.

  She started walking a little faster, trying to think. What had they been talking about? The Werewolf, right?

  Right.

  She seized on that. “Anyway, to kill Fang we still need the Silver Sword. And to get the Silver Sword, we have to find Roland. Any idea where Infinia’s favorite tween might be?”

  Slade cleared his throat. “I believe the script last mentioned him listlessly sitting in an empty room, bouncing a rubber ball off the wall.”

  “Steve McQueen should come back from the dead and kick his ass.” She rolled her eyes. “Whatever. We’ll track Roland down, drag him from his parents’ basement, and force him to participate in this insult to film-making. It’s about time that dingus start pulling his own weight.”

  “You always have a very determined attitude, Jane.” Slade cleared his throat, again. “I’ll certainly need that kind of indomitable spirit, when it comes time to rule Infinia. I do not think I could do the job half so well without you beside me. Your heart is often too soft…”

  “I do not have a soft heart!”

  He kept talking. He always kept talking. “…But you put the citizens here first and your ideas are almost always correct. I believe it is your destiny to help save this kingdom. Not just from Fang, but from all the challenges yet to come.”

  “No way. That’s your job.”

  “We are partners. We must do this together. My track record with leadership on the Vampire Isle is spotty at best. I need you. Infinia needs you. Whatever awaits you back in your world cannot be more important than the welfare of thousands.”

  “I’m not staying here, Slade.” Jane reiterated firmly. She wasn’t about to help him and What’s-Her-Witch whip Infinia into shape. No way was Jane sticking around to clean the castle, while they planned their goddamn honeymoon cruise. “You’ll have to find someone else.”

  “There is no one else.” He said with absolute certainty.

  Well, he probably had a point about that. Infinia wasn’t exactly filled to the rafters with competent employees. “Yeah, speaking of which, I have to say that I’m still a little bit pissed at your precious rebels. Remind me why we went looking for them in the first place, if they were going to surrender at the first little werewolf attack? Talk about useless.”

  “It’s disappointing that they didn’t try to stand against Fang’s forces, but…”

  “Disappointing?” She interjected incredulously. “We came looking for their help and now we’re about to be killed by ghosts. That’s disappointing.”

  “I know.” He sighed. “I blame myself. I have not inspired them to greatness.”

  Jane looked up at him. “That’s not what I meant.” She made a face. “Honestly, I like picking on the blockheads, but I was serious earlier. It’s safer for them if they’re not involved. You’re the only one who can defeat Fang in the finale. Extras in fantasy movies are just around for the body count. The little guys shouldn’t have to die, just so the stars get a big battle scene.”

  Slade beamed like she was the most special part of the whole universe. “You see why I need you so much? You are the best person I’ve ever known, Jane Squire.”

  “Oh please…”

  “It’s true. You care for people as a true ruler should. This is what I was trying to tell you. I am not supposed to rule Infinia. We are supposed to rule Infinia.”

  “That’s ridiculous. You’ll lead just fine on your own.”

  “No. You teach me so much. I am a better man for knowing you.”

  Jane was uncomfortable with the praise. “Yeah, well, it’s good you got to know me before I’m eaten by ghosts, then.”

  “I will let nothing harm you, my One.” He assured her softly.

  Jane really wished he wouldn’t say things like that. Or smile like that. Or really do anything like he did it. The guy was so shiny, he made her forget all the reasons she didn’t believe in fairytales.

  “Anyway, the line for the throne is kind of a moot point, because I don’t think we’re getting out of this place alive.” She muttered, because she needed to focus on something besides gawking at him. “From Here to Infinia is trying to kill us. This scene wasn’t even in the earlier draft of the screenplay.” She waved a hand at the empty field around them. “The whole movie is getting made up as we go.”

  Slade scanned the deceptively picturesque landscape. “Is it so surprising that the script is changing? You said yourself that our actions have altered things.”

  “This isn’t just a couple of new sets or some characters losing screen time, though. We’ve descended into chaos! There are so many different drafts, no one even knows what they’re doing anymore. I’m an actress. I like it when people know their damn lines.”

  Slade didn’t seem to have a reassuring answer for that. “One day, I would like to see you on the stage, Jane.” He finally announced. “Or on the picture box.”

  “Sure.” Jane nodded, going along with the new topic. It was better than dwelling on their imminent demise. “Just try not to blink or you’ll miss me. I don’t exactly get the leading roles.”

  “Well, you should.” He seemed genuinely interested in her career as a glorified extra. “Which was your favorite character to portray?”

  Jane thought about that for a beat. “Truthfully? As much as I bitch about it, I liked being Clarissa on Dracula, Ph.D. That was the part I had the most fun with.”

  “Why?”

  “Well, I was Johnathan Harker’s long lost wife. I appeared just in time to ruin his wedding to Mina, the naive Psychology student. Dimitri Dracula, the vampire professor in love with Mina, resurrected my corpse to break them up. Very dramatic stuff.”

  He nodded, still listening. Slade always focused on her like he was fascinate
d, even when he couldn’t possibly understand half of the words she used. The guy had been born in another world, but he still gamely tried to follow the plot of a nighttime soap opera. “You must have been magnificent in the role.”

  “Well, it was only for six episodes. See, Mina was my therapist, because I had amnesia from being brought back from the dead.”

  “The undead do not get amnesia. Zombies have no thoughts, at all.”

  She decided to ignore the supernatural director’s commentary. “Mina was also the identical twin of the psychotic vampire Domonique Montgomery-Montgomery, who killed my character off again and then tried to frame Mina for my death.”

  “Psychotic Vampires are rare and horrible creatures, not to be trusted.”

  Jane smiled. “Exactly. Don’t worry, though. Domonique got staked in season three.” She hesitated. “I just wish we could’ve ended my storyline better. I just died, with no great closing scene, ya know? It felt unfinished. Clarissa deserved more.” She shrugged. “Still, it was fun to have so many angsty lines and to be in the middle of the action. That was the closest I’ll ever get to a starring role. I usually just get to stand in the background.”

  “You should have more confidence in your abilities. I have no doubt you are an extraordinary actress.”

  “Critics and Jonathan/Mina shippers don’t tend to agree.”

  “Simply point out the ones who’ve offended you. I guarantee, their final words will be apologies for how very, very wrong they’ve been.”

  Jane glanced up at him with a huge grin. He was teasing her! “Why, King Slade, you old charmer! That’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me.” It was a bad idea to flirt with him, but she couldn’t help herself. He was just so damn awesome.

  Slade’s gaze fixed on her happy expression, something untamed moving behind his eyes. “Jane, I am a Vampire of many talents, but subterfuge is not among them.” He said hoarsely. “I cannot go on this way.”