by K A Young
My jaw nearly dropped when I saw who was standing next to Jake. This was certainly not how I envisioned the boss. He was about five feet tall, late fifties, bald, and round. His chubby, ruddy cheeks were creased in a giant smile. “Gary, this is Lizbeth Bates and Phoebe Hawkins, our American and Brit.” Jake the Bastard smiled and rested his hand on his brother’s shoulder. There was absolutely no family resemblance at all. The Bastard was a good foot taller than his brother and looked as if he had walked right out of a GQ magazine. Liz and I pasted on fake smiles that made us both look a bit psychotic I thought after I spared a quick glance in her direction. Surely she looked worse than I did, cause damn, that was bad. I cleared my throat, which thankfully covered the snicker that threatened to escape. Positive and confident, I chided inwardly as I extended my hand by way of greeting. “It’s so very nice to finally meet you, Mr. Anderson.”
The Bastard’s brother took my hand in his chubby one and covered it with the other, “The pleasure is all mine, my dear, and it’s just Gary.” There was somewhat of a twinkle in the round man’s face that made me like him instantly, and a real smile emerged as he released my hand and reached out to take Liz’s. “You must be the Brit of our dynamic duo.”
“I am. Pleased to meet you, sir.” Liz managed to keep her eyes on his face but I could tell she was fighting a glance toward the Bastard. Dammit. This was getting out of hand. The next thing on my to do list would be to throw a party. I’d invite every available bachelor in the building if I had to. This could not happen! She and I had the worst track record when it came to men and we couldn’t afford the disaster of a horrific screaming break-up with our employer’s brother, at least not until we made ourselves invaluable to the company.
“Well, I’ll be. Listen to that accent, Jake.” Gary released Liz’s hand and slapped his brother on the back while letting out a deep belly chuckle. His face had turned scarlet in color as he chuckled and I couldn’t help but laugh with him. “I hear you two have been making waves in our little corporation…” He continued when he finished laughing and I still wasn’t quite sure if he was laughing at Liz or just laughing in general. Either way it was funny as hell.
Since he’d made what I assumed was a rhetorical comment I didn’t reply and was shocked when Liz did. “Yes, sir. Phoebe and I have been doing our best to put out our best work. I hope it has been satisfactory.” Her voice broke ever so slightly. What was going on with her?
“Satisfactory isn’t the word I would use to describe your work, young ladies. The ratings that I been receiving every day have put our little company on the map! I’m just sorry that I wasn’t here to see it all firsthand. Which brings me to why I’m here.” He turned and started waddling toward what I assumed was his office with Jake in tow. Liz and I just stood there and stared at their backs.
“Should we go after them?” I whispered to Liz.
“No, we weren’t invited, thank God,” she whispered back harshly.
“What’s with the tone? You’d think he just reamed us out instead of giving us the high praise he did.” Liz should be ecstatic with this meeting and ready to bust a gut about the difference in the brothers like I was.
Before she could answer Gary paused at the end of the hall. “Coming, ladies?”
“Yes, sir.” Liz and I hurried to catch up.
American and Brit
Dear American and Brit,
I have a very lovely friend in need of some help. On a hen weekend away she decided to get a new tattoo. After a few too many, thinking it was a great idea I agreed and went along. The problem is that we were both so drunk that she asked for her ex’s name instead of her future husband’s. Now we on our way home and are majorly freaking out. It’s in an intimate part near her bits! She’s scared to death and neither of us have any idea what to do. The things we do when drunk. LOL
Please help me help her,
Day After Regrets from the UK
Dear Day After Regrets,
You have a few options here…
Never get naked in front of your future husband again.
Never have sex with the lights on ever again.
Skip the wedding and marry your ex or someone with the same name.
Arrange to have it removed as soon as possible.
Come clean and hope for the best.
I know we’re here to give advice, but drunken tattoos are self-inflicted and we would love to be a fly on the wall when you explain your way out of that one.
Sincerely laughing our asses off,
The American and The Brit
Lizbeth
Well, I Didn’t See That One Coming
As Phoebe and I followed the Anderson brothers down the hall I couldn’t help but stare at Jake's perfectly formed arse. With his hands in his pockets the back of his suit jacket opened just enough to give me an eyeful. Phoebe nudged me back to reality and I stuck my tongue out. Jake glanced behind and I looked to the floor.
“What on earth is wrong with you, Liz? This is real life, not one of our imaginary romances. You like him that much?”
“No,” I lied. “He just reminds me of Sheriff Hood out of Banshee. God, I’d break him if I were left in a room with him for five minutes.” Phoebe laughed. She knew me too well. We had our own version of the Friends freebie list—five celebrities that we can sleep with without anyone getting upset. Over the years we had switched names so many times that we now kept a list on our fridge to remind us. “Can you imagine though, Phoebs, if we ever met Norman Reedus what I’d be like?”
“Yes, you’d faint without talking to him. What about me with Andrew Lincoln? That reminds me, they’re filming next weekend. Shall we go? We can see them up close.”
Brought to a sudden halt by the fact that I might actually see Norman Reedus in person, I couldn’t speak. “Yum,” I managed to squeak out.
“Yum?” Phoebe questioned me with a confused look on her face.
“I mean yes.” With shaky legs we continued down the hall as Mr. Gary Anderson and Jake waited by the doorway and stared at us. I tried desperately to get the images of Daryl Dixon and Sheriff Hood feeding me strawberries out of my head and composed myself enough to pass as normal by the time we arrived at the office.
Jake clapped his brother on the shoulder. “Don’t worry, bro, they often zone out and have mini meetings about stuff. You’ll get used to it.” He gestured for us to go into the office. “Phoebe, Liz, after you.”
“Did he just wink?” Phoebe asked me under her breath.
“I don’t know, I’m trying not to look at him. I might gush.” Phoebe and I laughed as we took our seats in front of Mr. Gary Anderson.
“Oh please, Liz, all it takes is for you to find another hottie to gush over and he will be a thing of the past. Just don’t let this gushing crush cross any lines. He is the bossman’s brother, after all.” Phoebe gave me a pointed stare and I knew she was worried that my raging hormones might ruin our budding careers.
“I know. I won’t, I promise.” I gave her my most sincere smile and truly meant it. Men come and go, but this was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and I wasn’t about to screw it up for a piece of arse—granted, the best arse I’d seen in a long time—but no. This was mine and Phoebe’s time to shine, and in the short time we had been here we had certainly made an impression.
“Ladies?” Mr. Gary Anderson watched us carefully as we had our own private conversation in his office.
“I’m terribly sorry, Mr. Gary Anderson, how very rude of us.” He gave me an odd look as I tried to look as innocent as possible and to sound as British as possible. I smiled at him. “Please sir, do continue.” I could see Phoebe gawking at me out of the corner of my eye. This was not the time for a giggle outburst so I ignored her.
“You two.” He laughed. “Where did you find them, Jake? I should give you a raise. Sorry I couldn’t be at the lunch meeting a few months ago. Jake didn’t tell me you were such a hoot.”
Both our heads swung around to look at Jake
at the same time. If I wasn’t about to shit a brick I’d find our actions quite comical. “Yes, Gary, they’re certainly something.” He winked and both Phoebe and I relaxed. Could we really keep this up? It was draining. “John and I took them out for a celebratory meal a few days ago, they deserved it.”
“Well, I’m not having that. Book another—I want in on the celebrations.” He flicked through his diary. “Next weekend, that’ll work.”
I turned to Phoebe and mouthed Daryl Dixon but she just shook her head. I slumped back in my chair. Of course the meal with the bossman was more important, but Daryl Dixon aka Norman Reedus was going to be in groping distance from me. I’d be gutted if we missed it.
"I'll get that set up, anywhere you'd like to go, ladies?" Jake was casually propped against the door, scrolling through his phone, looking quite bored with the idea.
"Nope, we're good to go with the flow," Phoebe answered.
I was completely kerfuffled with the idea. Then I wondered if we could go to The Walking Dead set first before the meal. It was on a Saturday; we could do both. My mood changed instantly and I sat upright with a smile.
"Your column is great but I've had a few thoughts." Mr. Gary Anderson continued. "How would you girls feel about doing a vlog in the near future? It would give the fans faces to put with the voices of the column."
"A what?" Phoebe responded, looking completely baffled. I'm glad she asked though, because I hadn't a clue what he was talking about.
"A vlog...it's a video blog." He looked quite pleased with himself that he knew what a vlog was. "I've been thinking we could let you two run with it, take it out to the good people of Atlanta and beyond, go exploring and video your experiences. Tell it how it is, as you say." He sat back in his chair waiting for a reaction from us.
"Like go out and speak with people face to face?" Phoebe looked excited.
"Celebrities?" I challenged.
He laughed again, “I don’t know about celebrities but if you can find some, vlog them." He chuckled to himself. "See what I did there, Jake?"
"I sure did, bro, you're a force of nature. Too funny for your own good." Jake rolled his eyes at his brother’s attempt to be funny, but I thought he was a genius.
"Well, that's settled—let's get this show on the road, girls. Do you have reliable transportation?" That’s when I knew Jake had given his brother the lowdown on Wilf.
My heart sank and I looked to Phoebe. She looked like she was debating his question in her mind and then she sighed, looking at me apologetically. "We do Gary, but I'm afraid I don't think poor Wilf will be able to get us around for long. We need to invest in a new car." Wow, that I’d just heard Phoebe admit that we needed a new ride was refreshing. We both looked to Mr. Gary Anderson, hoping this hadn't put a stop to our new adventure.
Strangely he now appeared to be having a mini meeting with himself. Phoebe and I exchanged a glance before returning our attention to our boss. "I'm sure we can sort something out."
I let out a breath that I didn't know I was holding and then stood. I assumed that this concluded our meeting. "Thank you, Mr. Gary Anderson, we'll head back to our office and come up with a few ideas." I was eager to get out and put my plan in motion. Phoebe thanked him too before following me out of the office. We both nodded to Jake, who was still preoccupied with his phone.
Once out of eyes and ears reach Phoebe and I burst into our happy dance. We bumped and grinded to tunes that only we could hear as we laughed and hugged, not taking a blind bit of notice as to what went on around us. We finally stopped and realized we had an audience. Before I could say a word Phoebe announced, "We're having a party this weekend and you're all invited."
Phoebe
Jello Shots, Hairy Mary and the Big Beautiful Bastard…What Could Possibly Go Wrong
As we walked into the lobby of our building to check our mailbox Lizbeth was still ranting. I was good at tuning it out though. Well, mostly. “You’d better not be ignoring me on purpose again, Phoebe Hawkins! You always speak before you think.” So did she.
As I inserted the key to our mailbox and groaned I rolled my eyes at her. “I truly have no idea what you’re so worked up over. I can have a party thrown together like that.” I snapped my fingers and smiled at the couple passing us. Nope, too boring to invite. I handed Liz the pile of junk mail the second I spied the hunky brothers from the fifth floor. “Hey guys! We’re having a party Friday night if you both would like to attend.” I put on my fun girl smile. We needed a crowd at this shindig.
Alex walked over smiling at both Liz and me, “That sounds like fun. We have a job over on the west side but could stop in later.” Liz and I still hadn’t figured out what type of business they were starting, or if they had told us I wasn’t listening at the time. So to be on the safe side I didn’t comment on the job he was referring to until I could have a convo with Liz.
“Great! Pop in whenever.” I beamed at him, then smiled cunningly at Liz. This whole thing was coming together nicely.
“Can we bring anything?” Liz shook her head no. What was she thinking?
“Oh,” I placed my hand on his forearm playfully. “That would be so nice. Some drinks would be fabulous.” I flirted shamelessly and Liz looked horrified.
Alex simply nodded. “No problem. Well, we gotta run, so see you Friday night.”
“Looking forward to it. And feel free to invite some friends,” I encouraged with a brilliant smile.
As soon as the elevator doors closed I let the smile drop and closed and locked the mailbox. Liz slapped me on the arm with the junk mail. “What were you thinking? That was so rude!”
“Stop overreacting. It is perfectly acceptable social behavior to accept when guests offer to bring something. Ever heard of hostess gifts?” I started for the elevator, scoping out the lobby for prospective guests.
“Yes, you moron, I have,” Liz whispered angrily. “You invited the entire office and now the hunky brothers to a party that we hadn’t planned nor have a budget for.” The elevator opened and we boarded along with, wouldn’t you know it, Hairy Mary.
“Oh, a party? I’m so there! I’ll never let my BFFs down. No, siree!” Mary did some kind of weird dance in the elevator that forced Liz and I to huddle in the corner. “And don’t you worry about the food, I’ve got y’all covered.” Her grey sweat-panted ass was working overtime. Liz and I exchanged glances of horror. Why on Earth would Mary want to bring the food?
“Oh no.” Liz tried to smile. “That’s okay. Don’t trouble yourself, Mary.”
“Yes, we appreciate the offer Mary, truly but we’re just having cocktails and finger foods so we’ll just order some trays from—.”
She stopped her gyrating and turned around. “Oh, a chicken nugget tray? I love chicken nuggets. You can get twenty right now for three bucks at Burger King. Have you seen the commercials?” She was all serious and excited about her three dollar nugget deal. A giggle slipped out; I just couldn’t help myself. “I’m not smoking dope, dude! They’re really three bucks!” Liz and I both lost it and began laughing our asses off as she raised her giant unibrow in excitement. Thankfully the elevator doors opened and we were able to escape. “See you at the party, BFFs! And I’m totally bringing some of those delicious chicken nuggets for you guys!” Liz and I were laughing hysterically now at Mary as she shouted through the crack in the elevator door, “Shitloads is what I’ll be bringing!”
“Did she just say she’s bringing shit?” Liz laughed as we walked to our apartment.
“Yep, and chicken nuggets.” I opened the door.
~ ~ ~
Liz and I had been buzzing around the apartment Friday night getting everything ready and putting out the food trays that we bought at Publix. We’d decided to go that route after checking some price lists online. We had cute little buckets of ice set out filled with bottles of beer, cider, and Smirnoff Ice—my favorite. Liz and I were dressed to the nines in our new outfits we bought at Macy’s one day sale. “I’ve got to adm
it, Phoebs—” Liz took a sip of cider. “This was a fantastic idea! I don’t know what I was so concerned about. I never knew you could pull this off on our shoestring budget.”
I gave her a bright smile. “Right? I’m so proud of myself right now.” I finished my wine cooler.
“And so humble.” She and I both laughed.
Our doorbell rang and Liz and I squealed in unison. “Show time!” Liz grabbed the remote and turned on the surround sound set to play our favorite party hits. I was beyond excited as I walked to the door and opened it wide. It was Hairy Mary standing on the other side. “Ollo!” She came in and strolled past me with three huge Burger King bags! I turned to stare at Liz whose mouth was agape. Mary had stepped up her sweat suit ensemble by bedazzling the hell out of her pants and top. She had done her best to make her pants like a pair of my bling jeans. Liz began one of our ocular conversations by calling Hairy Mary and me twins. You dumbass! I shouted back ocularly as I tried to hide my mortification that in some strange freakish way she might be right. “I told you BFFs that I’d come through,” Mary said in her Megamind falsetto as she came out of the kitchen with her beloved chicken nuggets piled high on two of our plates. This chick was messed up on so many levels. It was probably why she was so attracted to us, so were we—just in entirely different ways. Mary made a face at our veggie and fruit trays. “It’s a good thing I got here when I did.” She slammed the plates down on the table so hard that one of them nearly shattered and a few nuggets escaped her clutches to fall underneath the table. “Oops.” She crawled her big sweat pant-blinged ass under the table to apprehend the escapees before stuffing them into her mouth. “Five second rule!” she said after she swallowed it whole. Eww.
