by K A Young
Liz came to stand next to me and whispered, “Now, take a good look Phoebs, that will be your arse one day!” I did, and nearly fainted at the thought while Liz enjoyed my misery immensely. Thankfully the doorbell rang again and several of our office colleagues came strolling in, saving me from giving this any further thought. Liz was off to greet our guests as I moved the chicken nugget trays to the side and thanked Mary for her generosity before moving on to welcome the others. Within an hour our apartment was buzzing with people laughing, talking, drinking, and munching on snacks. Liz was on her fifth cider when the brothers from the fifth floor came in along with Mickey. God, did that guy go everywhere they went? Without a word she grinned broadly and waltzed over to grab the case of ciders that Alex was holding. Yup, Liz was already hammered.
Alex noticed it too. I apologized, “Sorry about that, she’s an ass when she’s drunk.”
He laughed and Nathan leaned over with a wink. “You two are the best of friends. It surprises me that you would refer to her as an ass.”
“Why?” I laughed and took the case of beer he was holding and returned his wink. “I’m an ass too.”
The brothers both laughed, showing off their sexy dimpled cheeks. God, I could eat them both up. “Great party, Phoebe,” Mickey squeaked before giving me a seductive grin. He was pretty. Was his voice really that bad? “You and I should really get together sometime and do something.” Oh hell, yes it was.
“Oh yeah, well…I’m sort of in a relationship at the moment.”
“You are? I thought Liz said you gals were totally available the other night at the club,” Alex butted in.
“Well, yes…um, it’s sort of complicated.” I hurried off into the kitchen once it registered that I was still a horrible liar. Well, at least they’d been warned that I was an ass.
Nathan had followed me into kitchen and helped to refill the buckets with ice and add the drinks they’d brought. “He’s really a nice guy, Phoebe.”
“I’m sure he is, Nathan.” Nathan cracked open a Bud Light. “Who the hell is that?” He gaped at Hairy Mary coming back through the door with another Burger King bag.
She popped her head into the kitchen. “Ollo! I had to run out and get more nuggets and sauces. We ran out.”
“Oh thanks, Hair-um, Mary. Have you met our upstairs neighbor?”
She nodded her head. “Nice to see you again, Nathan.” That she knew who he was and he’d never met her didn’t surprise me a bit. Hairy Mary had some mad investigative skills. “I gotta jet. Peeps need eats.” With that she darted away.
“A friend of yours?” Nathan asked as I busied myself by getting the rest of the beer out of the box.
“She lives in the building,” I answered with a smile. “But if you’re interested I’m sure I can put in a good word for you.” I laughed and walked back out into the living area with the full bucket.
“I’m here! And I brought Jello shots!” Chrissi sang, putting a twang in her voice as she came into the apartment and everyone cheered. Her high-pitched twang was a little rough on the ears but it was Chrissi and we loved her. I’m sure she was better when she sang for an audience. I waved at her as she held up her giant bag. God, I loved Jello shots! This night was getting better and better.
“Hey Chrissi!” Liz shouted, giving her a hug, and I came to do the same.
“Do you have cherry?” I asked as I peered into the bag before the three of us walked into the kitchen.
“Have I got cherry? I’ve got every flavor you can think of in this bag, chick!” Was she drunk? That would explain the tone deaf problem. “Don’t worry, I took a cab over. I had to test these babies out before I brought them. It’s the rules. Every great chef tastes their creation before serving it.”
“That’s so true,” Liz chimed in and the three of us laughed, each taking a small container, popping the lid and downing it on three.
“Wow! These are strong,” I gasped as she shoved a couple more flavors into my hands.
“You gotta try these. They are fabulous. They have a little extra kick to them. It’s my secret recipe.” So we did.
“Yum!” Liz shouted and went in for seconds. “Oh, I’ve got a great idea! Let’s get out the karaoke machine, Phoebs, and you can sing for us, Chrissi.”
“Yes! We should totally bust that baby out!” I agreed. Liz downed another shot and went off to dig the machine out of my closet while I grabbed a large bowl from the cabinet and helped Chrissi display her delicious creations.
Just then I spied Jake the Bastard standing in the doorway. “Hi, Jake!” Chrissi smiled and waltzed past him carrying her bowl of Jello shots. “I hope you don’t mind. I ran into him at the store and encouraged him to stop by.”
“Nope, don’t mind at all.” I gave Chrissi a hug and went to greet the Bastard. “Come on in, Jake.” I grinned and looped my arm in his. “No need to loiter around the door here. We don’t bite,” I flirted shamelessly. Hell, I must really be drunk to be flirting with the man I’d given Liz such a hard time for going after, and I didn’t even really like him all that much. Just then my eyes met Liz’s as she staggered out of my bedroom with the karaoke machine in her arms. Oh shit! She looked furious. She actually thought I was seriously going for him. That I could clearly read in her expression. I should drop my arm and walk away from him. That was the thing a true best friend would do. Then later I would explain myself to her. I was only being friendly and nothing more. She would understand. However, as she continued to shout obscenities at me with her eyes, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. The two wine coolers, three ciders, and multiple Jello shots were egging me on to do the absolute opposite. So as the music blared and our guests chatted and laughed I held my hand out towards her and shouted, "Dares." She stopped in her tracks with a wicked gleam in her eye.
"I accept." Liz placed the karaoke machine down by the TV and eyed the crowd in the room. I watched as she took each of them in. I knew what was coming and I was now regretting my idea. While she attempted to stand up straight she motioned me to come over to where she was.
"Excuse me, Jake, this could get messy." He laughed and propped himself against the kitchen counter. As I approached Liz she smiled sadistically at me. Oh shit, shit, shit. She means war.
"Miss Hawkins," she slurred, "I dare you to..." hiccup, "Put a cheesy eighties song on and dance like a complete moron for the whole of the song." Oh yes...she means war. But there is one thing that I, Phoebe Hawkins never did. Walk away from a dare.
I walked over to the music center and chose Kylie Minogue's “The Locomotion”. Everyone knew this song; maybe this wouldn't be so bad and they would join in. The music started and the room went quiet. With my head held high I sauntered to the middle of the room and started. From out of nowhere I heard a scream and turned to find out where the wail came from. Hairy Mary bounded toward me, her arms replicating the axles of a train. She didn't look like she was going to stop. I backed away and bumped into Liz who was now laughing so hard she was grunting.
"Phoebs!" Mary shouted over the music. "I love me some Kylie. Derrick, get your hot ass over here and dance with me!"
Liz pushed me back into the center of the room where Mary was really going for it, and to my surprise Mickey was game. He was right there with Mary. I was actually surprised at how well there were dancing together. I threw caution to the wind and joined in, giving it my all. I was having fun. Mary knew all the moves and even a few others participated. I glanced over at Liz, who was looking both disgruntled and a bit worried that her plan to humiliate me hadn't worked combined with the fact that her dare was coming next. I knew exactly what to dare her on. Her biggest fear.
The song finished and the room erupted in cheers and applause. I popped my hip at Liz before Mary, Mickey, and I bowed to our cheering fans. Liz's eyes were wide as I strolled toward her. "Your turn, Miss Bates." She gulped. "I dare you to sing a duet on the karaoke with..." I tapped my finger against my chin while I looked around the room. "With Mickey." Oh,
this was so going to be good!
"Fine, but I need another drink first." She scurried to the kitchen and grabbed another cider. "Mic—um, Derrick,” she said a little too loudly. "We're singing!" It came out as a barked gruff order and he winced. She grabbed his hand and dragged him over to the karaoke machine. He went willingly, laughing all the way and even helped her set it up. Following the Kylie theme they chose “Especially for You”. I sat down, getting ready for the show. The music started and so did Liz. It was a riot. Mickey was squeaking out the lyrics and Liz was cringing. She stuffed her finger into her ear and belted it out loud to cover up the squeaks in the performance. The room burst out in laughter, which totally pissed Liz off. She was shooting the bird at everyone.
“Damn, they’re good!” Hairy Mary shouted and grabbed Nathan and smothered him in a slow dance. The poor guy didn't stand a chance. She had him so tight around the waist that he had no choice but to move along with her. Others started singing and dancing.
The song ended and Liz threw the mic down and stomped over to me with a wobble. “I officially hate you. And you’re going to pay!”
Chrissi got up next and started singing country and western songs. Liz sat down hard next to me. "Your turn." She downed another Jello shot and propped herself against me. "I dare you to set me up with Jake."
"The whole point of this party was to get you away from him and latched onto another poor soul." I scanned the room. “How about Mickey?”
"No chance in hell! You shouldn't have invited every Tom, Dick, and Bastard from the office if you didn’t want me to hit that." She laughed at her own joke.
"I didn’t invite him, Chrissi did.”
She gave me a pointed stare. “Dare!”
“Fine." I got up too quickly. Head rush. There was no way I was setting them up, dare or no dare. I’d totally break my winning streak for this cause. Jake watched as I battled my way through the group of people who were now dancing to Chrissi's rendition of Garth Brooks’ “Standing Outside the Fire”. Either it was the alcohol affecting my ears or she had no chance of making it in Nashville. It was bad.
"Hi Jake, you having fun?"
"It's certainly been an entertaining evening. What's next?" He swigged his beer.
“Are you a good sport, Jake?”
“I like to think so.” He eyed me suspiciously. At that moment I spotted Liz peering through the crowd as she watched my every move. She really needed to be taught a lesson. He did look fine in his polo shirt and I must say he filled out those jeans like a boss. Liz’s eyes traveled down to his package and I did what she was dying to do all evening. I grabbed Jake's crotch. That’ll teach her.
From there everything else was a blur. Liz catapulted from the couch then staggered toward us, knocking over Hairy Mary in the process. I think she may have even stepped on her face. That didn’t slow Liz down a bit. The closer she got the harder I gripped Jake's crotch. He was making a weird squealing sound. I didn’t care. “Liz, if you think I’m backing down you have another thing coming!” I warned as she closed in on us.
She slammed into me with the force of an elephant that had been shot in the ass by one of those sedation darts and we all three went down.
The fall didn’t seem to faze her. “It’s think, you moron! You have another think coming!” she argued before shoving her tongue down the Bastard’s throat.
“Oh, who gives a fuck?” I snarled and pinched the Bastard’s nipple. He squirmed to try and get out of Liz’s clutches while he made a gurgling sound in protest. I took an elbow shot to the nose. Oh holy hell, that hurt! Everything went black.
The next thing I knew I was in a jail cell huddled against the wall next to a vomiting Lizbeth and half a dozen other women who desperately needed a bath. The worst thing of all was I didn’t have my hand sanitizer with me! They’d taken everything. God, this sucked major ass!
Lizbeth
Everyone Needs a Night In the Slammer to Appreciate What They Have
The unfamiliar room spun at an unusually erratic rate and the smell…wow. After my attempts to focus on anything failed I desperately tried to recall what had happened and figure out where I was. A sharp poke in my ribs made me jump and doubled the pounding in my head. “What the f…?” Before I could finish my sentence Phoebe poked me again.
“This is your fault, Lizbeth Bates.” What was she going on about?
“Best night ever!” Hairy Mary’s face appeared before mine. Our noses nearly touched. “You girls are legends.” Her breath was rancid. Moving backwards, I bumped into Phoebe who shoved me back toward the dragon breath. “Epic, amazeballs, super-duper with glazed cherries on top. Don’t worry, gals, I’ve called my brother. He’ll bust us out of this joint.”
Now I was having a flashback. Phoebe grabbed Jake’s crotch and I lost it. I flew across the room like a bat out of hell. Her face was egging me on and she squeezed tighter. Jake was now cross-eyed and buckling under her grasp but her eyes never left mine. I reached them and clasped Jake’s head in my hands, my eyes still trained on Phoebe’s. Her expression changed to a whatcha gonna do? So...I kissed him, full on, pushing my tongue as far into his mouth as possible. He winced and bit my tongue. “Oww.” Gasps surrounded us but we never let up. Phoebe raised her free hand, her fingers pinching at thin air, then like a flash she pinched his nipple, twisting and turning like she was opening a bottle. I reached around and grabbed his backside before plunging my tongue back into his mouth. This was one of those best friend competitions that I was not going to lose without a fight.
A shriek made Phoebe and I stop our assault on Jake and we turned to see where the commotion was coming from. Hairy Mary was dry humping Alex’s leg while holding onto his manhood and backside. “Yeah, baby, you know you want it!” She released her hand from his arse and gave us both a thumbs up before returning it and yanking him into her. Nathan was standing right next to them and he was in fits of laughter, tears rolling down his face. He was desperately trying to get away from her…and then it happened.
Two guys from our office started having a fist fight in our kitchen. Phoebe and I looked at each other and moved away from Jake. Poor Jake, he looked absolutely petrified or maybe he was just pissed as hell. It was hard to tell. He grabbed his jacket and ran for the door. Damn, there went my chance of getting laid. A few others tried to split the fight up but ended up joining in. And Mickey was in security guard mode. He yanked people apart and took a hit or two in the process.
“What do we do?” Phoebe had asked while she shook my arm.
“Stop them.” My voice had been shaky as I felt my throat burning from the vomit that was about to make an appearance.
All eyes were on the brawl in our tiny kitchen. “Fight!” came a scream from behind us. For a small, not on the slim side crazy woman Hairy Mary sure could fly. Phoebe and I watched as she bounced on our sofa and catapulted headfirst over the kitchen counter, landing on top of the men who were now in full swing with their bust up. Screams echoed around us, but all we could do was stand there like a pair of doughnuts and do nothing but gape. Someone shouted from the crowd to call the police, others were scrambling to get out of the front door before the fight spilled into the living room…and then everything went black.
~ ~ ~
“Where are we?” I asked as I attempted to sit upright to assess the room. Mary hindered rather than helped; she grabbed me under my arms and yanked upwards. How I didn’t throw up was beyond me. “Thanks, Mary, I’m good.” We were in a small ten by ten room that smelled of mold and dust mites.
“Anything to help my gals.” She grinned. “We’re in the tank.” I noticed she had what looked like vomit on her shirt and I gagged involuntarily. She looked down at what I was staring at and began pointing out different parts. “This bit is yours.” I gagged again as she continued, “but I don’t know if this is mine or Phoebe’s.”
I looked at Phoebe who had a face on her like thunder. “And what the hell is the tank?” I asked Mary, who didn’t seem
ed to be fazed by the alcohol at all.
“It’s a holding cell in county lockup. You’re lucky too—this is one of the nicest. Some of the others are filled with heinous beasts of women. I’ve had to clean a few clocks in my day.” I’d all but fainted when she said lockup; everything else she said didn’t really register.
“You mean we’re in jail?” I involuntarily wailed.
“Shut the fuck up, you stupid bitch.” A large tattooed woman with an extremely deep voice warned as she dropped trow and sat her large white arse on the toilet. Oh my God, she was going to have a massive shit right here in front of all of us.
Phoebe grabbed my arm and together we stepped over a couple of sleeping women on the floor and attempted to huddle into the corner. How they were able to sleep in this nasty place was beyond me. That it was even legal in this country to cram all of us in one tiny cell was horrifying. This was the first time since my arrival to America that I really wanted to go home. Then a thought hit me; would they revoke my work permit and send me home? No! I couldn’t leave now! Phoebs and I had this great new career—if we still had a job after she molested the beautiful bastard. No, my head was pounding too hard to even think about all of this right now. We just had to make it through today. One thing at a time.
Phoebe let out a little whimper. “Liz, we’re in the effing slammer. I won’t make it on the inside. I’m too pretty. This is all your fault.”
“How is this my fault?” I whispered, not wanting to upset the beast on the toilet. “You grabbed Jake’s tickle tackle.” If we had been anywhere else I’d move away from her and fold my arms in defiance, but in desperate times like these we had to stick together.
“Yeah, well, I wasn’t the one shoving my tongue down his throat,” she grumbled.
“Tickle tackle.” Mary laughed, totally unaffected by our current fall from grace. “I got a good handful of Alex’s tickle tackle.” The laughter turned into grunts. “And he has a sweet tight tush too. Besides, it’s not our fault that the brawl broke out. It must have been something in the water that made all those freaks go mad.” More like the Jello shots. “The boys in blue hauled the three of us in during the confusion. I’m going to find out who called them and then their asses are mine.” By the look on Hairy Mary’s face I sure as hell wouldn’t want to be on her shit list. Suddenly her face dropped and she made a pucker as if she had been sucking on a lime. “Holy hell, that reeks!” Phoebes and I had smelled it too and began tucking our noses inside our shirts. The smell of vomit was better than whatever was coming out of that scary-as-hell tattoo chick. A guard came by with a baton in his hand and banged it on the bars of the cell. Phoebes and I whimpered and jumped in unison.
