by K A Young
“The American and The Brit?" A female voice asked from behind me. I swung around and came face to face with Michonne. "The column?" She waited for my response. Unfortunately it wasn't coming any time soon. Mouth gaping and eyes wide, I managed a nod. "Huh." She smiled. "Why were you in the car?" I wanted to lie and say we weren’t, but that was just stupid so I simply stared at her. She had her sword and everything. Phoebe would be so pissed she missed this. "Are you okay?" Nodding was becoming my only source of communication. "Let me guess, you’re here to see Norman?" My eyes grew wider. She knew my answer without the nod. "Norman," she shouted so loud I wanted to hide, but instead I ducked behind the car, trying to look busy. God, I was a misfit.
"No," I whisper-shouted. "I'm covered in vomit."
"So you can talk." She smiled. "We're big fans of yours, too. We love reading your column before we start filming for the day."
"You read our column?"
"Every morning. The knicker sniffer was hilarious. I love how you girls tell it like it is. It's refreshing. Gotta run, I'm being called." She smiled and walked away. I must have been dreaming.
To avoid seeing my Daryl I headed toward the ambulance where Phoebe now sat up slightly on the stretcher. He would be repulsed by me, and that I could not have. "How are you feeling?" I asked as the overweight paramedic hooked her up to an IV.
"I've felt better,” she groaned, but at least she was coherent now. “Where were you? Are we in any trouble?" She attempted to glance over my shoulder.
I climbed into the ambulance and knelt in front of her. "Well, I had a chat with your Andrew Lincoln, and then Dania Guiria recognized us and said that she and the cast are all big fans of ours."
"Shut up!" Phoebe said a little too loudly. "You're making that up."
"I swear on Daryl Dixon's pants." That was some serious shit, too.
"Let’s go get an interview with them. I’m sure they have something to add to our column. Can you imagine The American and The Brit ratings if we get a submission from any of the cast?" She tried to get up but the ambulance medic stopped her.
"I'm sorry, love, the only place you're going is to the hospital."
"But I'm fine." She tried to get up again.
"Heatstroke is no laughing matter." He wasn't joking and Phoebe looked distraught. He then turned to me and asked, "Are you coming with us, miss, or will you follow behind?"
"Stay, Liz, stay here," Phoebe pleaded. "Get the interview." I glanced over my shoulder and spotted Norman Reedus chatting with Andrew Lincoln. No way could I stay in my current condition, and besides, I couldn’t leave Phoebs on her own. A bit conflicted, I turned away from my future husband and smiled at Phoebe.
“I’ll ride along.” He nodded.
"Check her for heatstroke too, will ya? She's not right in the head." Phoebe waved in my direction before he hopped out the back.
The doors closed behind us and I held Phoebe's hand. "We'll be back. They like us and they didn't call the cops. I was this close," I held my finger and thumb an inch apart, "to Norman Reedus."
"Really? Oh my God Liz, I'm so sorry." Phoebe didn’t look all that sorry. I could tell that she was secretly glad that I didn’t get my man because she couldn’t get hers.
"I was covered in your vomit at the time, so think about it… meeting him today was probably not a good idea." I started laughing.
"What is so funny?"
“You’re British, don’t you have some secret code or some shit? You really said that in front of your future husband?" I was now laughing uncontrollably.
"Give me a break, will ya? I freaked out. He was right there and my eggs were screaming to be fertilized. I panicked." She started laughing too.
"Do you think we'll ever be normal, Phoebs?"
She shrugged and shook her head. "I hope not, what a boring life that would be. I'm not ready for adulthood yet."
"We're nearly thirty," I retorted.
"Language, Liz. We're as old as we feel and I refuse to give in to Mother Nature. I'll fight her to the bitter end." She lay back down.
"You okay? You look odd."
"Just old, remember?" She smiled and closed her eyes. “Looks like we'll be in the hospital for the night. I should ring Mr. Anderson but he'll freak out again. I refuse to call Jake—he's an arsehole. Maybe we'll be back before work and I won't need to call anyone. One can hope.”
~ ~ ~
An hour later Phoebe was fast asleep, hooked up to a drip, and snoring like an elephant in her private hospital room. She argued with the nurse when they put her in her own room, saying she didn’t think her insurance would cover it, but they didn't listen. I sat in the corner in an oversized chair that was too comfortable. My eyes were heavy and sleep overtook me.
Ed Sheeran's Thinking Out Loud blared from my pocket, waking me and making me jump. Still dazed, I answered without looking who had called. "Ollo," I said without thinking.
"The Walking Dead set, really?" a male voice growled in my ear.
"Who is this?" I asked, confused by the tone in his voice. Who would know about it? It only happened an hour ago.
"Gary Anderson, the man who signs your paycheck every week!" Mr. Anderson sounded so pissed off I nearly pretended he had the wrong number and ended the call, but I didn't. I’d never heard the jolly round man sound so furious.
"Who's that?" Phoebe asked while sitting up. She looked tons better, but I feared she'd soon go downhill again when she found out who was on the other end of the call.
"Just Mom. Be right back." I scrambled out of the room, still not fully awake.
"Mom? Do I sound like your mom?” He was furious.
"No sir, I'm sorry. We're in the hospital. Phoebe’s sick."
"I know, the whole world knows." He sounded so exasperated that I almost felt sorry for him.
"I beg your pardon? Sir, I really don’t understand."
"This new stunt you two have pulled has received way too much media interest. I've yet to decide if it's good or bad interest. I thought I'd made myself clear when I said to keep me informed. I'm a laughingstock at the country club because of you two!”
"The media knows about today?"
"Don’t be coy. You know damn well that they know. Didn’t consider that you’d get negative publicity, did you? Phoebe has now vomited on national television.” I could hear his little round head steaming through the phone.
Poor Phoebe, she was not going to take this well. "Oh."
"Oh? Oh? Is that it? Oh? I’m going to have Jake’s ass for this!” Oh. My. God.
I didn’t know what to say. I needed to discuss this with Phoebe. "I'm sorry, sir, I need to go. They're telling me to turn my phone off." I shut off the call on my last word.
We were so fired.
Phoebe
Behind Every Puke Rainbow There’s A Silver Lining
God, it was good to be clean after sleeping in vomit for a solid twenty-four hours. After I’d toweled off I dressed in the clothes that Liz had recruited Mary to bring. Surprisingly, I didn’t feel all that bad other than being completely mortified by the events of the last couple of days. How I’d managed to spend a night in the slammer and blown chunks in front of the cast of The Walking Dead and still feel okay was beyond me. On the plus side, we got to see a little filming before everything went to hell. I really should have made sure I’d been more hydrated before going out there. I was prone to heat exhaustion along with migraines and I was irritated with myself that I hadn’t been prepared. Oh well. What’s done is done. I felt like doing a little work today. Liz and I would prove to be invaluable to Anderson Media. If only we’d gotten an entry from one of the cast. That would have made the whole ordeal worth it.
While in the process of wrapping my hair in a towel I heard Liz let out a scream. I darted out into the room. Liz was standing in front of the television glued to the screen where images of the two of us laughing at homeless people were followed by shots of us trespassing on The Walking Dead set. We looked great. “Wow, aren
’t you glad I made you wear those jeans? Look how perky your ass looks.” Damn, I should have bought myself a pair of those.
Liz stared at me in horror. “Only you, Phoebe Hawkins, would be thinking about those damn bling jeans at a time like this.”
Opening my mouth to argue I spotted him on the screen. “They were nice enough gals.” Andrew Lincoln was talking about Liz and me! On national television! “Wish we’d known about their impromptu visit to the set but I guess that’s what makes them who they are.” He laughed. Andrew Lincoln actually laughed!
“We’re big A&B fans here!” Danai Gurira shouted with her arm around Norman Reedus. He stuck his tongue out and gave the camera a hang ten sign.
“Holy shit, Liz!” I squealed while she just stood there white as a sheet. “Liz, did you hear that? They’re big A&B fans!”
Liz flipped channels to land on E! Oh My God! There I was throwing up all over Liz! I could just cry. Liz shut the television off. “It’s not that bad, don’t cry!” She wrapped her arm around my shoulder. “Think about it this way, isn’t it better to be the one throwing up than the one getting puked on?” I thought about it for a minute and nodded. Liz was a true friend. “Plus, it will make people feel sorry for us.” That was true.
The nurse came into the room. “Time for you to leave us, Ms. Hawkins.” She handed me a clipboard of papers to sign. She walked out of the room calling, “Be back in a minute,” over her shoulder.
Liz’s phone rang again. “Hello,” she answered, then her face broke into a massive grin.
“What?” I grabbed her hand and put my ear next to the phone.
Chrissi was going nuts. “You guys are mega stars! Ratings are going through the roof!”
“Chrissi,” I shouted into the cell, “tell us everything.”
“Well, I was out with David, who works in the media tracking department and he received a call from his boss. You girls have caused a spike like never before. Your column has gone viral! Beyond viral!”
“Holy hell, Liz!” I squealed before the nurse came back into the room pushing a wheelchair.
“Thanks for the info, Chrissi, we’ve got to run,” Liz informed her.
“Oh right, how are you feeling, Phoebe?” she asked.
“Never better!” I replied and truly meant it. “The whole ordeal was totally worth it, puking and all!” I smiled as Chrissi sniggered in response.
“Speak later, Chrissi, and thanks for calling.” Liz hung up the phone.
“Oh, I don’t need that. I’m good.” I waved my hand toward the chair.
“I’m sorry, Ms. Hawkins, it’s hospital policy.” Okay then. I dropped the towel from my head and grabbed my purse before sitting down in the chair. The second my ass hit the chair Liz started screaming. She did that sometimes. The nurse was frantic. “Are you all right?”
It was always funny to see others respond to Liz’s delayed reactions. I tapped the nurse on the hand and nodded my head reassuringly “She’s just excited. It’s a delayed reaction to some good news we just received.”
Liz finally settled down enough to speak as we exited the elevator and I was wheeled out the front door. “Oh no.”
“What is it, Liz?” I looked up at her with trepidation. Oh no was never a good response.
“Wilf isn’t here—I had Mary take it home for us.” She was busy digging into her purse for what I assumed was her phone when a familiar Audi pulled up beside us.
Liz and I exchanged glances as Jake the Bastard got out of driver’s seat, walked around the car, and opened the passenger door for us—then nearly shit ourselves when he growled, “In. Now.”
God, he was in a foul mood I thought as I scrambled out of the chair and hurried to get into the backseat before Liz so I wouldn’t have to ride up front next to him. “Traitor,” Liz mouthed to me as she was forced to take a seat next to him.
“Well, Jake, did you hear the news?” I beamed from the back seat after deciding this was the best play we had. “The cast of The Walking Dead freaking love us! And from what I hear ratings are skyrocketing.”
“Not good news for either of you if you no longer have jobs,” he barked, giving me the evil eye in the rearview mirror. Could he do that? Have us fired? What about all the great publicity? “You two have tried my patience far too much this weekend and if it were up to me I’d fire both your asses on the spot.” I blew out a breath as relief washed over me. Oh good, it wasn’t up to him. “If I could go back to that day when you two came crawling into the office stealing the identity of two actual professionals, I’d call the police and prosecute you both to the fullest.” Liz let out a little squeak and I swallowed the one I felt on the rise. Jake really was a rat bastard. Liz’s cell rang but she didn’t answer it. Why I didn’t know. Maybe she was too shaken up.
I decided to take the bull by the balls. “Is this about the party? Listen, Jake, Liz and I really didn’t mean for things to go the way they did. I mean, I’m really—”
“Don’t waste your breath with an apology,” he growled and Liz and I both jumped.
My cell rang next, and seeing that it was Chrissi I answered it. “Hi Chrissi.”
“Oh. My. God! It’s all over the Internet now. I’ve saved the YouTube clip and I’m texting you the link now! You guys are swiftly becoming legends. You didn’t hear this from me but,” she was whispering, “I heard from Andrea over in HR that there are several companies looking to scoop you guys out of Mr. Anderson’s hands.” I grinned at Jake in the mirror as he intently watched my convo. Ha! I reached up and patted Liz on the shoulder.
She turned back to me with an inquisitive glance. I gave her a giant smile. “We’re going to be stars Liz! Giant big-ass stars!” Jake snorted, but it didn’t escape either of our attention that he was gripping the steering wheel so hard his knuckles had turned white.
“Thanks, Chrissi, you’re the best.” After I disconnected the call Liz, a bit freaked out by Jake’s grip on the steering wheel, scrambled over the passenger seat and dropped next to me. I was impressed with how fast and easy she made that look. I’m almost positive I’d have got wedged between the two seats.
“What the hell is wrong with you two?” Jake asked, flabbergasted by Liz’s move to put some space between them.
Liz and I exchanged glances and decided to ignore his question. I crossed my legs and sighed. “Does your brother know that you are here berating us in this fashion?” He gave me that you-wouldn’t-dare glare. Oh, but I would. I winked at Liz before I hit the button and grinned. “Gary, thank you so much for sending Jake over to pick us up from the hospital. I’m dreadfully sorry that we inconvenienced you.”
“Inconvenience me,” he sputtered, “nonsense. Tell Liz to just forget our little conversation earlier, I was just so worried about you both and sort of lost my head for a minute out of concern. Fatherly concern…that’s what it was.” He stumbled over his words. Gotcha. I sarcastically winked at Jake.
“Worried about us?” I spoke loudly and Liz turned to me, her eyes bugging out of her head. “That’s so sweet but I must confess, I am a little surprised to hear that. From the way Jake has been screaming at us since picking us up I would have thought we would be cleaning out our desks tomorrow.”
“Nonsense, you girls are just like daughters to me. You go straight home and rest up. Take the rest of the week off if you need to. I’ll speak to Jake.”
“Why, that’s so kind of you to give Liz and me the week off, but we are ever so anxious to get back to work. Our little heads are filled with inspiration.” I laughed, “Speak to you soon, and thank you, Gary.”
Jake’s phone began to ring the second I slid mine into my purse. He didn’t answer it as he pulled in front of our apartment building and Liz and I scrambled out. We heard him bark, “What?” as he peeled out from the curb.
“Bye, Rat Bastard! Thanks for the ride!” I waved after him.
“God, I really hate that guy! I don’t know what I ever saw in him.” Liz was furious.
&nbs
p; “Me either.” I shook my head and started for the entrance. “You didn’t tell me that Gary called.”
Liz shrugged “I didn’t want to upset you while you were ill.” She grabbed my arm “You’ve got to tell me everything, and I mean everything that was said!”
Lizbeth
It’s A Crazy Demented World and We Fit Right In
Mary was bouncing outside our apartment door when we exited the elevator on our floor. Our door was slightly open. Phoebe gave me a sideward glance and I realized my mistake before she said a word. "Did you give her our key? You know she's probably had another cut for her own use whenever she wants."
"I wasn't really thinking, I just gave her your car keys to get Wilf home and to retrieve clothing. I'll arrange for the locks to be changed as soon as possible."
"Ollo. You're famous! I've already had to kick some ass this morning. There were a couple of guys—paparazzi I think— hanging around, but I spotted them and gave them an earful plus a beating." She was bouncing and doing a Rocky Balboa impersonation.
"Erm, thanks, I guess," Phoebe said while trying to get past Mary.
"Wait," Hairy Mary shouted, making us both jump. "Close your eyes. Do it, do it."
"Mary, we're tired and I'm not in the mood for games. Please move." Phoebe was serious.
"Do it." Mary's voice changed to something resembling a demon from the pits of Hell. It would seem Hairy Mary was deadly serious, too. Both Phoebe and I closed our eyes and allowed Mary to guide us into our apartment, not wanting to receive one of her beatings. "No peeking," Mary warned, and I heard her close the door behind us.
The smell hit me straight away, it was lovely. Perfume? Flowers? Had Mary had her monthly bath? "Can we open our eyes now, Mary?"
