by K A Young
"One, two, three...now!" I could hear Mary bouncing again. Our pictures were threatening to leap from the walls.
"Wow. They're beautiful! Liz, open your eyes," Phoebe commanded.
I slowly opened them to find our apartment jam-packed with beautiful flowers, bouquets, baskets, vases, balloons, and chocolates. Every surface was covered. "Holy shit on a stick! Where did they come from?" I was flabbergasted. My feet wouldn't move, but my eyes wouldn't stay still. Every color imaginable was dotted around our apartment in these beautiful floral arrangements.
"They've been arriving since last night. I thought I'd just sleep here so I'd be close when you got back today. Lucky I did. I haven't read any of the cards though." Mary looked so pleased with herself.
"Thank you, Mary. That was very thoughtful." I meant every word, then I looked at Phoebe. "What?" She was staring at me, stunned. "What?"
"I'll make us a drink." Hairy Mary bounded off into the kitchen.
"What?" I asked Phoebe again, starting to get a little frustrated.
"Thoughtful? Whose bed did she sleep in?" Phoebe’s mouth was agape.
"Oh, I never thought of that." A shiver ran over my body as I visualized us wearing coveralls, gas masks, and disposable gloves while stripping off our bedding before burning it.
"On the sofa," Mary said from behind us.
"Shit, Mary, stop doing that." I held my chest.
"I wouldn't sleep in your beds—that's just strange. Maybe if I'd known you had changed the sheets and all, but eewww. You gals are odd. Tea or coffee? I could make a Starbucks run."
Now I felt guilty, but Phoebe beat me to it. "No need, Mary, we really do appreciate what you've done for us."
"I know you love me." She gave us both a bear hug. "Just a heads up, my brother doesn't give a shit where he sleeps. He's in your bed, Phoebe. I think he has a little crushy on you." She returned to the kitchen.
Phoebe's mouth dropped open and I laughed out loud. "He might be naked, Phoebs, rolling around in between your sheets. Morning wood pushing into your mattress." I was doubled over. This was too funny. "Who's been sleeping in my bed?" I did my best Daddy Bear impression, tears now streaming down my face. Mary was shuffling around in our kitchen with not a care in the world. "Let’s go look." I grabbed Phoebe's hand and pulled her to her bedroom door.
"We can't. He might be awake." Phoebe backed away but I held onto her hand.
"Chicken. He has a little crushy on you," I goaded.
"Am not, and no, he doesn’t." She took the bait very quickly, which meant she really wanted to go in. One thing about Phoebe, she’ll do just about anything on a dare. "Do it." She nodded toward the doorknob.
I reached down and clasped it. "I'm grabbing a knob—you get the next one!" I laughed.
"Shush and grow up." Phoebe and I listened at the door before I started to turn the knob.
"What are you doing?" A man's voice came from behind us.
Phoebe and I screamed before turning around. "What the fuck is wrong with you and your sister?" Phoebe shouted at Mary's brother Mark, who was standing in front of us wearing only his jeans. Phoebe was clutching her head like it was about to explode. "Did your parents pull you to one side and teach the pair of you how to scare the shit out of people, because I reckon—and don't take this the wrong way—" she took a breath and I held mine, "you're all fucking mental."
"Okay then." He edged past Phoebe holding his hands up in defeat and went back into her room before closing the door behind him.
We stood in our small hallway just staring at each other.
"It's not just me, is it?" Phoebe asked. "They are mental, right?"
"Says the pot calling the kettle black." I rolled my eyes as I headed back to our living room. Taking a card from one of the bouquets I read it out loud. "We love you A&B. Get better soon, Phoebe." I handed the card to Phoebe. Picking another I read it out loud, "You girls are unique, we would love to have a sit-down and discuss your careers."
"Who is that from?" Phoebe asked.
I flipped over the card, not recognizing the name. "Viacom."
"Viacom?" Phoebe sat down.
"Yep, that's what it says." I gave her the card but she didn't move. "Are you okay, Phoebs? You've gone really pale." The knock on the door averted my attention.
"I'll get it." Mary shuffled out of the kitchen and opened the door. "More flowers." She brought the bouquet in and struggled to find a place for it.
After I opened another card from one of the biggest arrangements I sat next to Phoebe after reading it, not able to speak. I handed her the card, my face now mirroring hers. She took it and read it, then handed it back. She held my hand and squeezed. A smile crept on my lips and I squeezed back. We both screamed in unison and began jumping up and down, bumping and grinding.
"What's going on?" Mary came in with our drinks. I gave her the card after she handed us our coffees. She read, "Love you girls. Next time don't break in you have an open invitation.” Mary looked up at us.
The entire cast had signed the card but I only mentioned Rick and Daryl. “It’s signed by Andrew and Norman.”
Mary's confused face made us laugh even harder. "Who's Andrew and Norman?"
"Rick and Daryl," I replied while attempting the running man.
"And they are?" She raised her eyebrow at us.
"You're kidding me?" Phoebe asked. "You don't know Rick Grimes and Daryl Dixon? The Walking Dead?"
"Nope, are they in a band?"
"Never mind, Mary." I grabbed her and she joined in our celebrations.
American and Brit
Dear American and Brit,
I’m head-over-heels for this girl in the apartment building where I work. She’s everything I’ve ever dreamed of. She’s beautiful, funny, caring--she’s perfect. We’ve sort of had a relationship for a few months and I really want to tell her how I feel, but that’s where my problem lies. She won’t let me speak. Every time I open my mouth she shuts me up. She uses her sexy body to keep me quiet and I can’t resist that. I don’t know why she won’t allow me to talk.
Please help.
Derrick
Hi Derrick,
Do we know each other? You know what, don’t answer that. If you are talking about who we think you are we can’t touch this one.
Pleading the fifth,
The American and The Brit
Phoebe
They Have An Army, But We Have Butts, Bielawski & Bielawski
Liz and I spent the better half of the day answering emails for our A&B column as well as listening to the fifteen voicemails that jammed up our box with potential job offers. We could not believe our luck. Everyone wanted a piece of The American and The Brit. The exciting and scary thing was that Liz and I hadn’t the first clue what to do with all these offers.
Truly, this needed some serious consideration I thought as I sighed and sat on the sofa after finishing my plate of moo shu pork. “You know what you girls need?” Mark Bielawski, Hairy Mary’s brother, asked as he plopped down next to me. Liz cut her eyes at his unintended innuendo. Mary, who had been watching The Walking Dead nonstop since we had mentioned it earlier, burst out laughing and smacked Liz so hard on the back that she nearly choked on her egg roll.
Served her right. Despite being a total hottie Mark did seem quite knowledgeable in the realm of business, unlike Liz and me. Mark rolled his eyes. “Like I was saying, you both really need to be represented by a reputable agency. Let them go over all the contract offers and handle salary negotiations.”
“Huh, I think there were a few agents who left voicemails earlier today, Phoebs.” Liz hopped up to retrieve her phone.
“Make sure you don’t sign anything until an attorney looks over the documents,” Mark added. My heart sank.
“Hey Liz, didn’t we sign a boatload of paperwork when we were hired at Anderson Media?” Liz, who was listening to our messages, allowed the phone to slip from her ear. Her facial expression said it all. “Damn, we need to call C
hrissi and have her pull the documents so we can find out how long we made the deal with the devil.”
“Phoebs, without Gary Anderson giving us a shot we wouldn’t be even having this discussion,” Liz chastised me.
“I know, you’re right. I’ll be kind. Now call Chrissi and have her handle it for us.” Liz was on it and I turned toward Mark. “Do you think you could look over the paperwork for us, or is that out of your realm of expertise?”
Mark set his plate on the coffee table. “I’m in business law. I handle everything from litigation disputes to liquidations. I’m not a criminal attorney, despite the fact that my sister thinks any type of lawyer is.” Mary stuck her tongue out at her brother. “I’ll be glad to look over the documentation for you.”
“We’ll pay you, of course.” Liz interjected after she ended her call with Chrissi.
“No need—my brother is your brother.” Mary grinned, exposing a dirty bok choy smile.
Mark shook his head. “Technically I’ll need a retainer to advise you on your business matters. I can offer a free consultation on the current documents, but going forward you’ll need to sign with Morgan, Jefferson, and Draper.”
Liz and I exchanged cringes. Attorney fees were never cheap. “Thank you for your offer,” Liz replied with a smile.
“Yes, thank you. We’ll definitely take you up on the free one and get back to you on the retainer when we start receiving regular checks from Anderson Media. They held back three weeks so we are a little strapped at the moment.”
Mark stood “I understand.” He took out his wallet and handed both Liz and me a business card. “Email me the documents when you get them and I’ll have a look. I’ve got to get back to the office.” He leaned down and kissed Mary on the cheek. “I’m glad you are feeling better.” He winked at me and I nearly melted.
“Wait, Mark.” Mary was on her feet. “Bye, guys, I need to run too.” Just as a walker was about to dig into his catch she paused the TV and threw the remote onto the sofa.
“Okay. Thanks, Mary, for all you did for us,” I called before they walked out the door.
“Yeah, thanks.” Liz smiled, still holding the card as they left our apartment.
~ ~ ~
Liz and I went to work the next day, which also happened to be Chrissi’s last day. We’d sent the documents over to Mark and were still waiting for his reply. From what we could tell we’d signed a twelve-month contract and we felt trapped. Not that they weren’t paying us well, but knowing we could be making more had me feeling a tad cheated. Besides, with the current climate inside the office it might be best for us to take A&B to a company where the owner’s brother wasn’t wishing us dead every second of the day. Despite this Liz and I decided to keep our heads down and to stay out of the media for a while--just be regular good ole employees. Who knew how long our moment in the limelight was going to last anyway—and we would always need a job. Working on our column The American and The Brit was a dream come true and neither of us wanted to foul it up.
“Maybe you should throw him a mercy fuck,” I whispered to Liz on our way back to our office after Jake stormed past us that afternoon at Chrissi’s last day celebration, which consisted of a bouquet of flowers and a sheet cake.
Her eyes bugged out of her head. “Me! Why don’t you throw him a mercy fuck?”
“Because you’re the one who had the hots for him. I hated him from day one,” I said with a smirk and took a large bite of my sandwich.
She threw a chip at me. “You’re the one who grabbed his junk first!”
“Okay, fine, I’ll do it,” I said with a huff as I stood, taking a minute to situate my boobs in my push up bra. Then I started for the door.
“Phoebe Hawkins!” Liz shouted right as I opened the door.
Slowly I turned around and burst out laughing. “I knew you’d stop me.”
“Stop you from what?” Chrissi came in with a hunk of cake.
Liz rolled her eyes and blurted, “Phoebe was going to give Jake a mercy fuck so he’ll lighten up on us.”
Chrissi nearly choked on her bite of cake. “Sorry to disappoint, but I don’t even think he swings that way.”
“He’s gay?” I shouted and Liz looked as shocked as I was. “My gaydar is superlative and I so didn’t get that vibe from him.”
“That would explain why he was so offended by the party,” Liz commented delicately, leaving out the sexual assault as she popped a chip in her mouth. “And no offense, Phoebs, but your gaydar sucks! Mine on the other hand is never wrong, which is why I’m stunned with this news.”
“So…” Chrissi hopped up on the desk. “I have a juicy piece of news that I’m dying to share with you both. If it weren’t my last day spilling this would totally get me fired.”
Ohhh. Liz and I both leaned closer. There was nothing better than a little piece of juicy gossip. “Good thing it’s your last day then.”
“Two of Anderson’s newest employees,” she shoveled another bite of cake into her mouth just to torture us before she continued, “are nominated for up-and-coming columnist of the year!”
Liz dropped her sandwich and gaped.
“How can that be? We’ve barely been here any time and our column is in its infancy!” There was no way this could be real. Someone somewhere got their wires crossed.
“It’s true. I accidentally opened the email to Gary this morning that contained the nomination. Jake nearly shit a brick when he saw it. I don’t know what he has against you two and I don’t want to.” She held up her hands. “If I were you guys I’d get some protection or something.” Was she serious? Surely not. Liz and I exchanged glances. Then Chrissi laughed and so did we.
“You know Chrissi, with all the excitement you’ve completely gotten away with your participation in getting us arrested.” She cringed as Liz narrowed her eyes at her. “It was your Jello shots that got us into this mess.”
A thought seemed to pop into Chrissi’s head. “Well, isn’t it the jail stunt that got you two majorly noticed?” She grinned. “You should be thanking me for using my special Jello shot recipe.”
“She has a point there, Liz.” Liz seemed to be thinking it over then shrugged, letting the whole ordeal go. “What I want to know is how you managed to not get nabbed by the po-po.”
“I wasn’t fighting!” Chrissi looked shocked and completely offended. “And I got the hell out of there the second the cops were called.”
“Oh, okay then,” Liz laughed.
“Back to you two.” Chrissi gladly changed the subject. “Gary is over the moon, but also scared shitless that you’ll take a job with a bigger better company. If I were you though I’d totally stay put.”
“It doesn’t matter anyway—we signed a contract for a year, I think,” Liz commented.
“There are tons of loopholes in Anderson Media contracts. I’m sure you’ll be able to find one.” She hopped off the desk and tossed her paper plate into the wastebasket. “Not that you should leave, just negotiate for something better. Now there is one other tiny thing we need to discuss.”
“Okay, shoot.” Liz and I looked up at her and waited.
“You know the temp agency that was going to send over a girl until you two finished up with the interviewees?” Liz and I nodded. “Well, I kinda cancelled it.”
“Why would you do that?” Liz asked, surprised.
“Well, I’ve sorta decided against the country and western career for now. You gals are going to need someone sneaky like me as a secretary, and I really like working for you both. So if it’s okay with you guys I think I’ll just stay on.”
“Yes!” Liz and I said in unison. “We love you, Chrissi! We three have become a team and it was killing us that we’d have to replace you.”
She grinned. “Great! I’ll go have a word with Gary then.” She opened the door. “Hey, did you guys know that they expect you to pay for your own demo and shit in Nashville? And man, is it not cheap.”
Liz and I burst out laughing the sec
ond she left as we exchanged knowing glances that Chrissi Butts did indeed fit with us perfectly.
Lizbeth
Getting Your Knickers In a Twist Can Cause Some Serious Damage
Gary Anderson sat behind his big mahogany desk shuffling paper and not making eye contact with us. Phoebe and I had been sitting there for at least fifteen minutes twiddling our thumbs waiting for him to speak. "If this is a bad time, Mr. Gary Anderson, we could come back later," I offered, hoping we would be excused.
"No, no girls. I'll be with you shortly. And Liz, for the last time it’s just Gary. We’re family now."
“Of course, Mr. Gary Anderson.” He rolled his eyes and so did Phoebe.
He pressed the intercom on his phone and his secretary Sue answered, "Yes, Gary?”
"Where in the blazes are those contracts?" He was now going red in the face. I half expected steam to come out of his ears.
"I placed them next to the phone, Gary, where you asked me to," Sue replied sternly. I liked her; she didn't take any of his nonsense.
"Well, they're not here," he shouted back.
Within seconds Sue stormed into the office, went straight to his desk, and picked up two manila envelopes. She threw them in his direction and without a word left, slamming the door behind her. Phoebe and I smiled at each other, loving the fact that not everyone was intimidated by our boss.
"Ah, here they are." He opened the envelopes and placed several pieces of paper in front of the two of us. "If you could just sign pages two, five, and seven we'll be good to go."
"Good to go, meaning?" Phoebe asked. I was curious too.
"Your new car for starters, your company credit cards and bonus check. We spoke about this, remember?"
"Sweet." Phoebe reached for a pen.
"Wait a minute, Phoebs." She froze, but I could see in her eyes that she was already planning her shopping spree. "We'll read over these and get back to you shortly." There, that sounded professional.
"There is a flashy red Audi waiting for you girls out front. We don't have all day."
