How to Train Your Dom in Five Easy Steps

by Josephine Myles

  Better than Jeff’s garden in full bloom at dusk.

  Better than the most spectacular sunset.

  Better than his mum’s treacle sponge, which he could smell cooking in the oven.

  Jeff took hold of Eddie’s hand on the table and squeezed it in full view of everyone. It was scary but exhilarating. “Mum, I know Dad’s not going to like it, but I hope you can get used to Eddie. He’s good for me. He makes me happy. And I…I love him.”

  Mags was dabbing at her eyes with a tissue now and making a right mess of her mascara. Oh dear. This really wasn’t going too well. Now Tony was staring at Eddie. He looked like he wanted to start trouble, but he’d be up against the two of them if he tried anything with Eddie.

  “I think we should probably go,” Jeff said to Eddie, who grimaced and nodded. “Mum, I’m sorry for spoiling dinner. We’ll be off now and let you finish in peace.”

  “Oh, don’t be ridiculous.” Mags got up from her chair and trotted round the table. “You’re my firstborn. You’ll always be welcome here.” She wrapped her arms around Jeff and suffocated him in a perfumey hug. “Honestly, I think we’re all a bit shocked, that’s all. I never in a million years would have thought you’d turn gay, Jeff White. You always had such an eye for the girls.”

  “I still do. I’m bi, not gay,” he protested. “Uh, not that it matters either way,” he added hastily, catching Eddie’s raised eyebrow. “I’m off the market now I’m with Eddie, so no trying to set me up with anyone, you hear?”

  “As if I would.” Mags let go of Jeff and turned to Eddie. “Come here, you. You’re not getting off that easily, my boy.” Jeff just caught Eddie’s look of alarm before his face was squashed against Mags’s boobs. “Never thought I’d see the day when I had another son-in-law. But that’s good. Always did get on better with men than women. ’Cept you, of course, Denise. But then again, you and me could be peas in a pod, couldn’t we?”

  Denise grinned back at her. “Yeah, that’s right. And we’re dead chuffed for you, aren’t we, Tone? It’s nice to see your brother happy again, isn’t it?”

  Jeff’s brother mumbled something he couldn’t quite catch, but at least it didn’t sound like an insult.

  Mags huffed. “You’ll have to do a bit better than that, my lad. You and your dad both. Don’t you worry about Bert,” she said to Jeff and Eddie. “It’ll take him a while to come round, but he’ll get there, I promise. I have my ways of getting him to do what I want. It’s amazing what a few weeks’ withdrawal of conjugal rights will do, ain’t it, Denise?”

  Denise smirked back at her, and Tony and Jeff both said “Oi!” at the same time.

  “I don’t want to hear about your sex life, Mum,” Jeff protested.

  “And we don’t want to hear about yours either,” Tony added.

  “Like we’d sit here and give you all the juicy details,” Eddie said. “I absolutely don’t kiss and tell. And Jeff doesn’t either.”

  “Ugh, kissing. That’s gross.” That was Jayden. His other two younger brothers were flicking peas at each other across the table.

  “Okay, enough of that, boys. Anyone ready for pudding? I don’t think I can manage any more of this. I see you’ve eaten all of yours, though, Eddie.”

  “It was delicious. Thank you, Mags. It’s been ages since I’ve had a roast dinner, so that really hit the spot.

  Mags flashed Eddie a big grin, and Jeff relaxed some more. So long as Eddie devoured her treacle sponge with the same enthusiasm, he’d be welcomed into the family.

  When they were all settled down with treacle pudding and custard (or ice cream in some cases, or both in Jeff’s), Jeff noticed his mum heading out of the room with a bowl of pudding. Was his dad hiding upstairs, or outside smoking himself into an early grave? The treacle sponge turned to flavourless paste in his mouth. He’d have to face the music and talk to the old man. Today, really. Leaving it any longer could do more harm than good.

  But he should let him finish his pudding first. He was always grumpier with an empty stomach.

  They stuck to harmless talk about what was on the telly while they polished off pudding, and afterwards, Eddie offered to help wash up. Jeff hovered for a while, more in the way than a help, but Eddie and Mags seemed to be having a whale of time laughing about some celebrity he’d never heard of on Strictly Come Dancing, so he decided he’d better seek out his dad. He’d try out the front first. But Tony grabbed him by the arm first.

  “A little talk, bro? Let’s go for a walk. Out the back way.”

  It’d be practice for talking to his dad, he supposed. The junior version.

  “So you’re really a bummer?” was the first thing Tony asked.

  “Looks that way, doesn’t it?”

  “I don’t get it. If you still like birds, why’d you want to go and get involved with a bloke?”

  “Because I love him?”

  “Yeah, but women are sexy.”

  “Eddie’s sexy. Really fucking sexy. And filthy too. You would not believe some of the things he does.” It was fun watching Tony’s expression turn to horror.

  “Oh my God, I don’t want to know. That’s disgusting.”

  “No more disgusting than if it was a woman doing it to you. You’d love it then.”

  “So it’s just the sex, is it?” Tony pulled out his packet of Marlboros and lit one up.

  “For fuck’s sake, weren’t you listening to a word of what I said in there? I love him. End of story. He’s not just some sex object. I mean, it might have started out a bit like that…” But had it really? They’d started out by talking. From what he’d heard from Eddie, they’d talked a lot more before they first had sex than Eddie had with some of his previous hookups. “It’s not just sex. He’s a good bloke, and we have a laugh, you know? He gets me in a way that Sarah never did. And I get him. I don’t have to spend my time wondering what’s going on in his head. He just tells me if he’s got a problem, and then we fix it.”

  Tony was staring down at a pebble like it was fascinating. “So this is why you got so weird at the pub yesterday. You weren’t really sick after all, were you?”

  “I was sick of hearing that shit coming out of your mouth.”

  Tony pursed up his lips and blew out a long stream of smoke. “Sorry,” he eventually muttered. “I didn’t know.”

  “Yeah, well even if you didn’t, you should try thinking about who you might be offending before you open your mouth. Could be any number of gay blokes around that you don’t know about. You can’t always tell from the way people look. Eddie, for instance. Bet you never figured that one out before I told everyone.”

  “All right, all right. I said I was sorry, didn’t I?”

  “Words are cheap. I just want to know you’re not going to be saying homophobic shit to your boys when you get home. This crap has to stop somewhere, you know? I’ve had enough of it from Dad over the years. I don’t want to be hearing it from my nephews too. I deserve better than that. Eddie deserves better than that. We need to break the pattern. Not let the old bastard poison everything.”

  Tony flicked his eyes up to meet Jeff’s. “Yeah, okay. I’ll do my best. But Jeff, mate, what are you going to say to everyone down the pub? You gonna bring Eddie down there to watch the footie? You think he’d fit in? What if someone tries to gay bash you?”

  “I can look after myself. And so can Eddie. He’s tougher than he looks. And we can count on you too, can’t we?”

  “Yeah. I s’pose.” Tony didn’t sound all that enthusiastic, but at least he wasn’t trying to persuade Jeff to give Eddie up. Or that he wasn’t really gay.

  “You’re really serious about him, aren’t you?” Tony said. “I never heard you talk like this about Sarah.”

  “I think Sarah and me got together too young. We weren’t really all that suited, but we stuck together for some reason.”

&n
bsp; “Your house, I reckon,” Tony muttered. “Good thing you never married her or you’d have had to sell it and give her half.”

  “No, it wasn’t that. I think we were both too comfortable to want to shake things up. And probably a bit scared of going it alone. But I’m glad she left me now. Really glad. Because if she hadn’t, I’d never have found Eddie, and I’d still be miserable but not admitting it to myself. So I’ve got to thank her, really. I might do that, actually.” The more he thought about it, the more he warmed to the idea. “I could call her, and we could all meet up. Better she hears it from me than on the grapevine.”

  “Rather you than me,” Tony said. He sighed deeply as he ground out his cigarette. “Listen, you want me to talk to Dad for you, I’ll have a go. He’s not all that bad, you know. He was laughing at Julian Clary the other day.”

  “At him or at his jokes?”

  “Does it matter?”

  “Yeah, it kind of does.” Jeff kicked a stand of nettles back that had encroached on the path. “Don’t worry about it. I should be the one to go and talk to him. It’s my life. My responsibility.” And something had lifted inside him since he’d told everyone. Like he’d been tethered down and now he was free to take off in whichever direction he wanted. It was kind of scary, but also exciting. He’d just have to focus on that feeling, rather than the dread of facing his old man.

  They turned to walk back towards the house, and their dad was waiting for them on the pathway. He looked smaller than usual, and out here it really struck Jeff just how much of a toll the accident had taken on him. The large, powerful machine of a man from their childhood was now wasting away. Stooped and paunchy where he had been broad and muscular. It was easy to see now what he’d be like as an elderly man. He was almost there already, despite not having hit retirement age.

  Seeing him that way deflated some of Jeff’s righteous anger, and he approached him with reconciliation in mind.

  “I don’t want to talk to you,” were the first words that came out of Bert White’s mouth, but this time Jeff listened to the hurt and fear underneath them.

  “I know you don’t. But I think you should, seeing as how I’ve spent the whole of my life listening to you.”

  “Me? You never listened to a bloody word I said.”

  “Of course I did. Why do you think I went into building when what I really wanted to do was the horticultural course at Lacock? But that wouldn’t have been man enough for you, would it? Well, I’m sick of living up to your standards. I’ve got different ones, and as far as I’m concerned, loving another man doesn’t make me any less of one.”

  “But it’s wrong.”

  “Who says?”

  “God, for one.”

  “Don’t give me that. You don’t believe in God. You’ve never even been to church.”

  “Yes, well… There’s other people that think it’s wrong too.”

  “Like who? Some of your old workmates? Some blokes down the pub? You know what, Dad, I really don’t care about what a bunch of homophobic bigots think. I can look after myself. And I can look after Eddie too. Not that he probably needs it. He’s tougher than I am.”

  “He doesn’t look particularly tough.” Bert sneered a little, but it didn’t seem like his heart was in it. “What d’you have to go and take up with a posh bloke like that for? And all this rubbish about you messing around with flowers and so on. What’s wrong with the life I brought you up to? It hasn’t done me any harm.”

  There was no point in bringing up the injury or the fact the man was chain-smoking himself to an early grave. If he couldn’t see those problems himself, then the stubborn old git was hardly going to accept it from Jeff. “I’m not you, Dad. I have to make my own choices, and they’re not always going to look like yours.”

  “You’re telling me. Are you seriously saying you’d rather have some man like that rather than a bird like my Mags? You’re going to give up all that soft skin and a nice pair of tits? What exactly can you do with a man, anyway?”

  “You really want me to fill you in on our sex life? Because it’s pretty wild.”

  “Don’t be disgusting.”

  Jeff shook his head, starting to lose patience. “I’m not being disgusting, Dad. You’re the one who’s disgusting. And if you can’t accept me and Eddie, then I don’t want anything to do with you. I’ve had enough of trying to keep you happy. I’m living my own life now.”

  Burt sniffed loudly and looked like he was about to start a tirade but turned away instead. Fine. If he didn’t want to listen, Jeff wasn’t going to waste his breath.

  As he walked away back to the house, Jeff felt something lifting inside him. His steps were bouncy, like gravity had finally gone and given up on holding him down.

  It felt like he could fly.

  And when he saw Eddie smiling at him through the window before turning to flick bubbles at Jeff’s mum, he knew everything would work out somehow.

  The worst was over, and what didn’t kill you only made you stronger.

  This was going to make him and Eddie stronger together. He was sure of it.

  As they walked back up the hill towards Jeff’s house, Eddie was surprised to feel Jeff’s hand land on his waist. “Someone might see,” he warned, but Jeff just grunted and gripped him tighter.

  Eddie’s insides curled up into a body-sized smile. “I’m really proud of you, you know.”

  “It’s no big deal. Hardly anyone around at this time of day, anyway. They’ll all be inside, too stuffed full of roast to move.”

  “Not for holding me in public. For coming out to your family. That took a whole heap of guts. And then some. I mean, I remember how scary it was for me, and my family were a hell of a lot more liberal than yours.”

  “Yeah.” Jeff frowned, and Eddie felt bad for even mentioning it. Who needed to be reminded of being rejected by a parent? But Jeff’s expression soon turned to curious. “They took it okay, did they?”

  “Absolutely fine. Belinda said she’d always known anyway, and Dad just gave me this excruciating lecture about safe sex.”

  “You know what, I should probably be grateful the old man’s never going to do that.” Jeff smiled at last, and Eddie’s heart bounced around with joy.

  “You’re amazing, you know that?”

  Jeff’s smile broadened. He picked up his pace, yanking Eddie along with him.

  “Whoa! What’s the hurry?”

  “I’ve got to take this amazing man home and kiss him stupid.”

  Eddie fizzed inside, like he was about to burst with happiness. “Just kissing?” he teased.

  “First kissing, and then we’ll see where it leads. I’ve still got this pointy little olive fork I’ve been meaning to use on you. And I’ve been wondering what kind of mark a wooden spoon would leave on your arse.”

  “Ooh, I’ve never been spanked with a wooden spoon before. Or tortured with an olive fork.”

  “Good. Nice to know I can still show you something new.”

  They were at the end of Jeff’s road, and Eddie had to get it out now before they got inside and he couldn’t speak any more.

  “You know what the most amazing new thing you’ve shown me is?”

  “It’s not my dick, is it?”

  “Shut up.” Eddie would have punched Jeff’s arm, but with the way they were huddled together, he had to settle for slapping his thigh. “You’re dick’s gorgeous, but it’s not that.”

  “What could be more amazing than my dick?”

  Eddie slapped Jeff again for good measure.

  “The most amazing new thing you’ve shown this old tart, is how to fall in love.”

  “Oh.” They stopped outside Jeff’s front door. Jeff turned Eddie round to face him, his eyes searching Eddie’s. “You seriously mean you’ve never loved a bloke before?”

  “Never. Not until
now.”

  “Then I’m proud to be your first.”

  “And last.”

  “And last,” Jeff agreed. “Now get your arse inside so I can turn it purple.”

  “Yessir!”

  Epilogue

  One year later

  Being on the beach with Eddie was dangerous, Jeff decided. August had decided to put on one last, late burst of heat, and so they’d descended on their old haunt of Weymouth beach, along with Maddy, Niall and the sproglet, and just about every other bugger in the whole of Somerset and Dorset, it would appear. And despite there being so many people around, Eddie insisted on wearing one of the skimpiest bathing costumes known to mankind. It was obscene. You could see almost everything. All those acres of golden skin, for a start.

  Jeff really had to stop looking.

  Eddie rolled over in the sand and put a hand on Jeff’s leg. “You know you should take your shirt off. This is probably the last chance we’ll get this year. September’s only a couple of days away, and then it’s a fast downhill slide to winter.”

  “I think you’ll find we’ve got autumn to get through first,” Jeff said, doing his best not to look around him as he shrugged off his T-shirt. “Don’t blame me if everyone runs screaming when they see the gorilla on the loose.”

  “Mmm, my gorilla.” Eddie ran his fingers through Jeff’s chest hair.

  “Fuck! Don’t do that.” Jeff glanced over at Maddy and Niall, but they were too absorbed in cooing over the baby to notice Eddie touching him up.

  “You worried people will know we’re gay?”

  Jeff huffed. “If they haven’t already figured it out by the way we’ve been holding hands for the past few hours, then they must be idiots. What I’m worried about is me popping a boner on the beach. There are children around, for fuck’s sake.” He was going to have to take a dip in the sea to cool off at this rate.

  “We need to find ourselves a gay beach,” Eddie said. “They’re the best. Everyone knows the score, and hard-ons are only to be expected. Welcomed, in fact.”