Heart's Passage

by Cate Swannell

  "Thank you for the good thoughts, Jo. I really appreciate them. And thanks for the..." She flicked her thumb over her shoulder, indicating the troublesome zip.

  "No worries." Oh no, no worries at all.

  "If I don't get going, they're going to be halfway through their appetizers before I even sit down," Cadie said. She slipped on a pair of black heels and picked her purse up from its resting place on the bed.

  Jo backed out of the cabin, letting Cadie past. As the blonde headed for the companion way, the skipper had an idea.

  "Cadie, hang on a second," she said. She reached around and unhooked her cell phone from its place on her belt. "Do me a favor, take this with you? Paul and Jen's numbers are programmed into the speed dial." She keyed the relevant menu buttons to show her where. "They're going to be with me all evening. If you need anything, or if you just want picking up at some point, call. Okay?"

  Cadie gazed up at the tall skipper gratefully. "Thank you," she said softly.

  Two hours later Jo, Paul, and Jenny were up to their armpits in good food, friendly company, and several very drinkable bottles of lambrusco. Jo drained another cold glass of the sweet red wine, only to have it refilled by Roberto, Rosa's gregarious husband.

  "Drink, drink, drink," he bellowed, making the rounds of the table, splashing more wine into everyone's glasses, regardless of whether they needed refilling or not.

  Jo grinned. It was hard to have a bad time at Rosa's dinner table, and as she looked around she was unsurprised to discover that she wasn't the only one letting her hair down.

  Paul and Jenny were enjoying each other's company, ribbing and poking fun under the maternal wings of their hostess at one end of the table. Jo was beginning to have her suspicions about her younger crewmates and she could tell by the twinkle in her eye that Rosa was also making note of the chemistry between the two.

  Jo smiled at the thought. They certainly look good. I hope they are getting together. They make a terrific team.

  Down on her end of the table, Jo was sitting opposite the youngest of Rosa's children, 12-year-old Sophie, the baby of the family. The dark-haired, brown-eyed girl had a bad case of hero worship when it came to the tall skipper, something Jo found flattering but uncomfortable at the same time. Sophie had spent most of the evening gazing adoringly at her.

  Roberto sat down heavily in the end seat next to Jo and placed a large, rough hand on her shoulder. "You don't eat enough, Jo-Jo," he exhorted. "None of you do. Look at you three, you are skin and bone, all of you. Come, come eat more of Rosa's ravioli or she will make my life a misery. Come, come." He spooned another enormous helping of the creamy concoction onto Jo's plate, then tore off a hunk of garlic bread and popped it into her mouth when she opened it to object. "Do not tell me you do not have room, Jossandra, I know better," he said.

  Jo didn't need her arm twisted. Rosa had outdone herself. The spinach ravioli, stuffed with ricotta cheese, was covered in a creamy herb sauce and sat on a bed of fragrant pumpkin mash. She scooped another forkful up and happily munched away. The table was piled high with wonderful food. Paul had his dumplings, but there was also veal parmigiana, and a huge dish of spaghetti bolognaise.

  God, I may never eat again, Jo thought, glad she'd opted for a pair of sweatpants rather than tighter-fitting jeans. She'd gained a second wind since feeling so sleepy earlier in the evening. She sighed happily and wondered how Cadie was doing. I wish she were here, she thought. She could use some real fun.

  "Jo-Jo?"

  "Yes, Sophie?" Jo leaned forward to grin at the young girl. "What can I do for you?"

  "Can I have some of your wine, pleeease?" The cherubic smile and batting eyelids were all innocence, but Jo had long ago learned to recognize a flirt when she saw one.

  She's going to be a heartbreaker, that's for sure, she thought with a smile. "Now, Sophie, you know your mother would have my guts for garters if she knew I was giving you this stuff," she admonished. "Besides you've got some right there in your glass." She nodded her head in the direction of the small amount of watered down lambrusco the girl had beside her plate.

  "Pleeease, Jo-Jo? I promise I won't bug you anymore." Big brown eyes pleaded.

  "Tell you what," Jo said, "instead of lambrusco, how about you come sailing with me next time I have a free day? How does that sound?"

  Sophie's squeal of delight and enthusiastic hand-clapping drew the attention of the whole table.

  "What promises are you making my daughter, bella Jossandra?" Rosa laughed as Sophie sprinted around the table and smothered Jo in an all-embracing hug that nearly knocked her off the chair.

  "Oof...just a little sailing, mama bear," Jo replied, happily returning the youngster's hug.

  "Can I, mama?" Sophie begged.

  "Maybe. If you are good and stop squashing Jo-Jo, I will consider it," Rosa said with a mock fierce look at her baby. "Now sit back down and finish your meal like a civilized human being."

  The child happily complied, planting a big wet kiss on Jo's cheek before she climbed down.

  "God, Rosa, I swear your cooking just gets better and better," Paul said around yet another mouthful of dumplings. "I have no idea how you make these but they're the best thing I've ever eaten."

  Rosa reached out and patted the big crewman's face gently. "Paulo, for you only I make them, so they are made with love," she said cheerily.

  "You are so full of shit, mama bear," he grinned back at her. "But thank you anyway. They are delicious."

  "It's all delicious, Rosa," Jo interjected, grabbing the passing salad bowl from Jenny. "Thanks for inviting us."

  "Aaah, Jo-Jo. You three are my... how do you say it... I miei bambini quando non ho di bambini... um, my children when I don't have children, you know? I worry about you when you are not here. And when you are here, I want to feed you and keep you safe and make sure you have love in your life, lei capisce?"

  "Aaaaw, Rosa, that is so sweet," said Jenny, reaching over to hug the larger woman impulsively.

  Jo smiled quietly to herself. Sometimes she had to pinch herself when she found herself surrounded by these friends of hers. Friends who never asked about her former life, trusting what she was now. It wasn't that they didn't care where she had come from, it was more that it bore no relevance to their opinion of her now. And they loved her; she knew that. And more often than not, she marveled at it.

  One day I will feel safe enough to tell them who I am, she thought to herself. Who I was... But right now I need these people too much to risk losing them. I want to believe they will still love me when they know the truth, but...

  For long moments, she found herself looking at her hands as if they didn't belong to her. Hands that were holding a knife and fork, pushing food around the plate. Hands that had, on more than one occasion, wrung the life from another human being.

  Jo swallowed hard, fighting back an aching tug in her throat. And Cadie...sometimes I feel as if she already knows all my secrets, she thought. Especially when she looks into my eyes like she does. But she doesn't know them. So it's not true and it never will be true. Because even if I ever get that brave, in a little over two weeks' time she '11 be gone...

  "Jossandra?"

  "Hey, Jo-Jo!" Paul yelled at her, breaking her reverie.

  Jo looked up quickly, seeing five pairs of eyes watching her quizzically. Jesus, where the hell was I? she thought. "Sorry," she said shortly. "I was away with the fairies there for a minute. S'been a long day... night... day." She laughed.

  "Bloody hell, Skipper, what planet were you on?" Paul teased.

  "Planet Sleeping-On-Deck, Paulie. A planet you're going to be visiting tonight, by the way."

  "Oooo goodie," the crewman said unenthusiastically.

  Rosa caught Jo's eye as other conversations resumed around the table, and the rotund woman smiled knowingly at the tall skipper. She leaned around behind Jenny to speak to Jo. "I was hoping your mystery woman would come with you tonight, little one," she said softly.

 
; A sad smile passed across Jo's lips. "No chance, mama bear. She needs to be doing what she's doing and I need to let her. There's nothing I can do about any of that."

  Rosa nodded. "But you remember what I told you this morning, Jo-Jo. Che sara, sara. "

  "It would be so nice to believe that, Rosa," she said quietly. "It really would. But I can't let myself do that, because I'll only be disappointed."

  Cadie slowly twirled the scotch glass with her fingertips as it rested on the table in front of her. She leaned her elbows on her right knee, which was crossed over her left, and watched the room full of people in front of her.

  Dinner at La Scala had come and gone, and half the group had moved on to Hernando's, one of the resort's nightclubs. Toby and Jason had opted instead for a moonlit walk around the resort, while Therese and Sarah had headed for the theatre where a world-class jazz band was playing.

  Hernando's was smoky and dark, save for the swirling, flashing patterns flicking ..across the dance floor, which was packed with writhing, sweaty bodies pulsating to the deafening blasts of house music.

  Cadie was alone at the table, the others somewhere in the maelstrom of dancers. Naomi, it seemed, was taking advantage of the freedom of her anonymity outside the US to acquaint herself with every woman in the room. The only thing louder than the music was the pounding headache making Cadie's temples throb. She knew the Chivas Regal probably wasn't helping in the long term, but for now it made her feel better.

  She hadn't missed much by being late to the restaurant. Naomi and the others were still sitting at the bar when she arrived. Conversation had rather ominously stopped as she had approached the group, and all night long Cadie had had the rather paranoid suspicion that there was another whole layer of conversation going on around her that she just wasn't a part of—an undercurrent.

  La Scala had been everything Jo had promised. The food was divine, the service was immaculate, and at one point Cadie had recognized one of the waiters as being the man on the beach with Jo this morning. He wasn't assigned to their table though he had nodded and smiled at her a couple of times when she caught his eye.

  One thing was concerning Cadie greatly. Several times during the meal, Larissa and Kelli had whispered conversations with one of the other waiters. And now, here he was again, out of uniform and dancing his way towards the couple who were entwined around each other in a corner of the dance floor.

  Jesus Christ, could they be any more obvious? Cadie thought disgustedly as she watched the furtive exchange of small packages from hand to hand. What the hell am I going to do about that? she wondered as the waiter melted back into the crowd. Larissa and Kelli shimmied their way through the crush, seeking out the senator.

  Cadie felt her heart sink as all her worst fears looked close to being proven. She watched as Larissa and Kelli found Naomi and after a few seconds' conversation she saw the senator glance her way. Shortly Naomi was back at the table, sitting down next to Cadie and leaning in for a shouted conversation. Oh, I know what this is going to be about, the blonde thought.

  "Why don't you head back to the boat?" the senator yelled over the music.

  "Why Naomi? So you and the girls can get high without worrying about whether I'll see anything?" Cadie shouted back.

  Naomi's face darkened in anger. "You're imagining things, Cadie," she warned. "All I meant was you're looking tired."

  The blonde snorted in derision. "You must think I'm blind as well as stupid, Senator. I'm not going anywhere. You're going to have to do whatever it is you want to do with me sitting right here." She took another mouthful of scotch and swallowed it quickly.

  "Suit yourself," Naomi growled, standing quickly and slamming the chair back under the table.

  Oh boy, thought Cadie. I think we just reached what might be called a turning point. God, I wish Jo was here. She reconsidered. Actually, I wish I was wherever Jo is.

  Jo was flat on her back on the floor of Rosa's living room, belly bulging slightly from an evening of good food. She was laughing like a loon at the antics of Paul, who was trying to come up with a charade. She had no idea what movie he was miming but he was leaping around like a demented orangutan, much to the amusement of everyone.

  "Jurassic Park," Sophie yelled.

  He shook his head, then leapt up the stairs to the second floor, hanging off the banister.

  "King Kong," Jo said.

  "God, fiiinally," Paul said, jumping down. "I thought I was going to have to kidnap a beautiful young maiden and climb up onto the roof before you got it."

  Just then Jenny's cell phone rang, barely heard over the laughter. The deckhand flicked it open and stuck one finger in her other ear, trying to hear whoever was calling.

  Jo watched as Jenny answered then caught her eye. "Hang on, I'll get her," she said into the phone, and then passed it to the tall skipper. "American. I think it's Cadie."

  Jo nodded and took the phone, turning away from the rest of the room to try and block out most of the noise. "Cadie?"

  "Yes. I need some help, Skipper," a tired reply came.

  She sounds wrung out. "What's up?"

  "What isn't? Larissa and Kelli arc high as kites and making no sense at all, and I'm afraid Naomi might be, too. I can't tell though because she's basically unconscious. I can't get anywhere with them. And if it wasn't for the fact that I don't know where the hell I am, I'd leave them all to it."

  Jo could hear the ragged sound of tears very close to the surface in the American's normally gentle voice. Need to calm her down a little, so I can-get a clue where they are. "Okay, hon, we'll come and get you. Do you have any ideas at all about where you are?" she asked, trying to keep her own voice as calm as possible.

  As far as Cadie was concerned, it worked. She took a few deep breaths and tried to stay focused on the soothing sound of Jo's voice on the other end of the phone. She looked over to where Naomi was lying flat on her back in the middle of a patch of lawn. Larissa was giggling mindlessly at nothing in particular and Kelli—oh fabulous. Kelli was throwing up in a perfectly manicured flowerbed.

  "We were in a nightclub," she said shakily. "I'm pretty sure Kelli made a connection through one of the waiters at the restaurant and they got their hands on something—I don't know what— and now Naomi's out cold, Larissa's seeing pink elephants, I think, and Kelli's adding protein to the local flora. Help, Jo."

  Jo suddenly found a knot of tension forming deep in her guts. That's all I need, a boatload of junkies, she thought. Christ. "Okay, Cadie. Was the nightclub called Hernando's?" she asked. By now Paul, Jenny, and Rosa were standing around Jo, trying to figure out what was going on.

  "Y-yes, I think so."

  "Right. How far away from it do you think you are?"

  "Well, I lost track of them while we were still in the nightclub. After about half an hour I decided to go back to the yacht, so when I left I just pointed in the general direction of the water and started walking. That's when I ran into them again. We're in kind of a little garden."

  "Is there a pool over to your left?"

  "Yes. Do you know where we are, Jo-Jo?"

  "I've got a pretty good idea," she replied. "Listen, you just sit tight right where you are. I'll be there with reinforcements in about 10 minutes."

  "Thank you," Cadie said quietly.

  "It's okay. We'll see you soon." There was a soft click as Jo hung up, and Cadie tucked the cell phone back into her purse. She glanced at her watch. Close to midnight. I'll be glad when this day is over. She watched as her partner rolled onto her side and curled up into a fetal position in the grass. And maybe... just maybe, I'll be glad when this relationship is over.

  It was a grim thought, and for the first time she wondered if it really was worth the effort to resurrect her marriage. Where did she go, that woman I married?

  Cadie sank down on to the ground, wrapped her arms around her knees, and rocked herself gently, oblivious to the damp grass, or to the silent tears that were coursing down her cheeks.

&
nbsp; That's where Jo found her quarter of an hour later.

  The three Seawolf's crew members, Rosa, and Tony, who had pulled up to the house just as they were about to leave, were piled into Tony's truck. Jo had seen Larissa first, the tall brunette stumbling around just off one of the resort's more dimly lit paths. They pulled over and while Jenny and Rosa went to reel in her and the retching Kelli, Paul and Tony put their heads together to figure out how to move the comatose senator.

  Jo walked slowly around the patch of grass until she spotted Cadie, a small and silent ball of misery sitting on the edge of the path. She crouched down in front of the crying blonde and gently placed a hand on her shoulder. "Hey there," she said softly.

  Cadie lifted her head off her hands and looked up into smiling azure eyes. "Hi," she said weakly, sniffling slightly.

  "You look like you could use a lift back to a cup of coffee and a good night's sleep," Jo said.

  "God, that sounds wonderful," Cadie replied, managing the smallest of smiles.

  Jo stood and reached down with a hand. Cadie grabbed it and pulled herself up, keeping a firm grip on the skipper's fingers. She found herself hard-pressed to look the taller woman in the eye.

  "I'm sorry, Jo," she said awkwardly.

  "Hey." Jo lifted the American's chin with a gentle finger, meeting and holding her gaze. "You have nothing to apologize for, okay? I don't see you out cold or puking in the petunias. And somehow I don't think you're the type to be doing whichever brand of dope they were doing tonight."

  Cadie shook her head slowly. "No. The really sad thing is," she nodded her head in the general direction of Naomi, by now slung over Tony's shoulder, "she used to be as against drugs as I am." She felt her resolve slipping again and her chin started to wobble. "I...I don't really know when that changed."

  Suddenly Jo had her arms full of sobbing woman as the tension of the last couple of days caught up with Cadie. She threw her arms around Jo's neck and burrowed her face into her shoulder. Gently Jo wrapped her arms around her, the feel of the compact body against hers a revelation. I want to hold you like this forever, Cadie Jones, she thought as a wave of protectiveness washed through her. She held the blonde tightly, looking over her shoulder at the sympathetic glances from her crewmates.