Andy Deane

by The Sticks (epub)

  "He'd never buy it. The cops will just think we're nuts."

  "Yeah, that's my thinking too. We could always lie and say that we've got a stalker on our hands, but that investigation would obviously lead to a dead end. And besides, I just don't know that a few cops driving by the house now and then would make me feel much better. Second, we could get out of here for a while. Find a beach to vacation on for a few weeks and hope like hell things are better when we get back."

  "Now that just sounds like you trying to get yourself laid." She allowed a slight smile.

  I returned it with one of my own. "Yeah, the thought had crossed my mind, but I'd still respect you when we got back home and?"

  "Forget it. I don't want to come home to find werewolf turds all over the floor. If a werewolf wants to spend time here it's going to have to pay rent and follow my rules."

  "I see. What made you think of werewolf turds?"

  "Just get on with what you're saying."

  "Last, we could keep our guns loaded and close by. We could go out and grab a heap of ammo and some anti-werewolf spray. And when that son of a bitch decides to show its face again we can send it straight to hell with a shirt that says 'two mean fuckers blew my head off and all I got was this lousy shirt'."

  "Anti-werewolf spray? I think standing up for ourselves is the only thing we can do here. I'm sick of going to bed every night afraid of what might try to come through my window."

  "Well, then let's make sure that next time we see this thing is the last."

  She nodded her head in agreement and tried to disguise her fear in another smile, but this time it wasn't working. I put my arm around her shoulders, pulled her closer and told her things would work out fine. Maybe it was true, maybe it was a lie. Even I couldn't be sure.

  * * *

  The next day I made my way into town and tried to find silver bullets at every gun and ammo shop within an hour's drive. I didn't come away with any, but I picked up plenty of funny looks from shopkeepers, and a nearly toothless fellow in one shop made the joke, "Whatcha tryin' to do, boy? Kill you a werewolf?" I said yeah before walking out. He studied me as I left, probably trying to figure out whether or not I'd just insulted him.

  But I did manage to bring home some extra bullets, and planned on going back to buy a lot more when I had more money to blow. I'd thought about trying to get a license to carry my.44 around but never got around to it. License or no license, I was going to have that gun on my hip anywhere but in town, because frankly whatever was out there scared me more than the law.

  By five in the evening I was starting to get hungry, so I found a payphone and called Jessica. I asked her to meet me at The Cavalier Inn, a gritty twenty-four hour diner on the outer edge of town that attracted everything from the local college kids to the bums and crazies who would wander in and order a coffee or beer to stay out of the weather for a while. I loved that restaurant. The Cavalier had more character than all the chain restaurants in Jefferson combined. And unlike those places, The Cavalier never saw it necessary to nail canoes, lacrosse sticks and tricycles to the wall for d?cor.

  The Cavalier sat right beside a nightclub called The Shaft that must have been open since the first few shacks had gone up in Jefferson and someone decided to call it a town. Even the oldest of old-timers could tell a story about some horrible fight that had taken place there. I spent a lot of my youth catching metal and punk shows at The Shaft, and now and then I'd end up in one of those fights people talk about.

  The Cavalier and The Shaft were the first two things I passed coming from my house into town, and that was pretty convenient seeing as I wasn't much for shopping or loitering. The only things that forced me farther into Jefferson's shopping district were my love of movies and my need for groceries. You had to drive another five minutes to get to the nearest grocery store, and that was usually farther than I cared to venture.

  By the time Jess showed up I had already grabbed a table and was sipping a cold sweet tea. This place made sweet tea the way it was meant to be made; packed with as much sugar as it could hold without turning chunky.

  Jess slid into the booth opposite me. She reached out and took my hand and gave it a squeeze. Our waiter was a scruffy looking fellow named Bart who I'd gone to high school with. We didn't know each other well in school, but he'd always seemed like a nice enough guy. He only took Jessica's order, because he'd known what I wanted the minute I walked through the door; the burger platter with onion rings. Jessica got a club sandwich and we made small talk until the food arrived.

  Halfway through our meal the front door opened and Sergeant Matheson walked in. He saw us and made a beeline for our table. I rose to shake his hand and said hello.

  "Now keep this under your hat, but I thought you might like to know," said Matheson just above a whisper. "We found some useful evidence in that condo the other night. Picked up a big fellow named Jeff Reed after finding his prints, hair and some traces of his blood in the bathroom. Mean son of a bitch."

  Relief flooded through me at hearing that murderous bastard was in custody of the law. It could mean that my monster story had come to an end, and that I could get on with living my life.

  I was surprised that the cops had come up with anything at all. I had assumed that this case was going to remain unsolved until I was too old or too senile to give a shit. I wondered what fucked up crime Jeff had committed to get his DNA on file. I figured the bastard's temper might have landed him in a few fights in his day and that maybe one of them landed him in a barred room.

  "We don't have proof that he's guilty of anything just yet," he continued, "but I have a feeling that he's tied up in this mess pretty tight."

  "Has there been any sign of Alicia at all? Do you know what might have happened to her?" I asked.

  "We don't have a clue right now. We're hoping that fella will have some answers for us. As for now, he ain't talking. Won't answer a single question we throw his way and don't seem to give two shits he's been arrested. He's got a record down at the station a mile long. Seems this guy likes beating on women. And men from time to time."

  "Can I get you to give me a call if you find out anything else?"

  "Can't make no promises to you. I'm up to my ass in paperwork right now. But if you want to, you can call me down at the station next week and I'll give you what I know. Whatcha got there? Onion rings?"

  "Yeah, I always get the same thing here," I said.

  "Think I'm gonna have the same. You two take care and I'll be talking to you later."

  With that, Sergeant Matheson walked away and grabbed a seat at the bar. Jess smiled the biggest smile I'd ever seen as we lifted our glasses in a toast. Jess laughed and I joined her. We were like two happy kids getting drunk for the first time.

  I could picture Jeff shape-shifting in the middle of the night in his prison cell. That would certainly make for an interesting night at the police station. Hopefully, Jeff had a cell all to himself, because otherwise his cellmate was going to have to pay extra for whatever crime had landed him in the joint.

  I offered to stop by my place and grab my copy of The Changeling so we could watch it from under a warm blanket on her couch. She nodded in agreement and we left a ridiculously large tip for good old Bart who waved at us on our way out.

  * * *

  A few quiet weeks passed. No monsters. No Jeff. No nothing. Just what I needed…a little bit of nothing.

  Jess and I drove out of town toward her place after a long day of window-shopping in town. She'd even conned me into going to the indoor mall, a behemoth called Regency Towers that I felt could use a bomb raid. I had an old Misfits cassette playing and Jess seemed to be enjoying it, nodding along to the beat.

  We turned onto Montrose, and when we got to Myrtle's house I noticed she was outside. I thought this woman was something Jess needed to experience at least once, so I slowed the car a little so she could get a look. I got down to about five miles per hour as Myrtle stood staring at us with her hands held a
bove her head like she was a shaman trying to bring the rain. All she had on was a dirty white T-shirt that said, "Chocolate, it's not just for breakfast anymore" in big brown letters that were supposed to look like chocolate but gave more the impression of turds.

  "Nice neighbor you have there," said Jessica. "Is this a special occasion or is she always wandering around outside half naked?"

  "Nope," I said, "she's usually all naked."

  We sat there watching Myrtle talking to herself for a few seconds. Myrtle kept lifting her left arm and pulling at her armpit hair with her right hand. Then she'd yell at her fingers and shake her fists at us. And then, with no warning, Myrtle took off after us like a drag racer. Jessica yelled, "Go!" and I stomped the gas pedal to the floor. The car lurched a little but wouldn't pick up. The carburetor was sticking and Myrtle had us in her sights. The crazy bitch grabbed the bottom of her shirt and pulled it off over her head sending her big floppy titties dancing in the wind. It looked like someone had taken two dirty socks filled with pennies and stapled them to a charging rhino. Jessica screamed and laughed at the same time, and the Mustang finally started picking up. Myrtle had almost reached the car this time, and I can't imagine how bad things would have gone if she had. I watched Myrtle charging down the road behind us screaming incoherently in my rearview mirror.

  I pulled the car into the driveway and we sat there laughing until our sides hurt.

  "I'm about to piss myself," said Jess. It took her about a minute to get the full sentence out between laughs.

  "Yeah, well, I'll race you to the bathroom!" I said before getting out of the car and running toward the porch.

  She yelled at me and took chase. I beat her to the door and when she caught me I took her in my arms and we shared a long, deep kiss. That girl knew exactly what a tongue was for, and I could've stood there kissing her until I collapsed from dehydration had she not finally taken a step back.

  "Calm down, cowboy," said Jessica with a big smile on her face, "we still have to breathe you know."

  "Oh yeah, breathing. Myrtle's tits got me all hot and heavy and I just took it out on you."

  "Is that woman always like that, or was this something you two set up special for me?"

  "Actually, I've never spoken a word to her, though she has spoken to me on quite a few occasions. Usually I'm cruising by at break neck speeds to avoid her, but sometimes I'll catch an 'eat my asshole, shit head' or a 'fuck you, cocksucker' as I go by."

  "Sounds like a good neighbor. You might consider moving somewhere nice like Walnut Ridge to avoid people like that, you know?" said Jessica with a sarcastic grin on her face.

  After picking up the movie from my house we went straight to Jessica's place and sat outside for a while talking and enjoying the weather. It's amazing how much less threatening nature seems during the day. The sun had dipped below the tree line and only a few beams of light managed to penetrate the leaves to shine on her yard. What started off as a conversation about pets and silverware eventually took a turn toward something with a little more substance.

  "Just so you know, I'm enjoying having you around the house all the time," said Jess.

  "Well that's good to hear, because I was getting a little worried about overstaying my welcome. I meant to bring it up before, but never got around to it. To tell the truth, I was kind of avoiding it."

  "Rest assured; I'm not the kind of girl that would let you stick around if I wanted you out. Plus, if I want Bronson to stay I have to keep you too, right?"

  "We are indeed a package deal."

  "Let's go inside and check out this movie you've been hounding me about all day. It better live up to the hype!"

  "Oh don't you worry, you'll love it. And if you don't I might just have to disown you."

  "Is that so?" she asked. "Well, like it or not, I have a feeling that you might not have to sleep on the couch tonight." She smiled briefly and studied my face for a reaction.

  I didn't know what to say. I was definitely feeling good about what I'd just heard, but once again I knew that opening my mouth would be the worst move I could make. Given half a chance I can ruin a good thing long before it happens. So I smiled, took her hand in mine, and we headed into the house.

  The movie seemed to last about fifteen hours and some change. The whole time it played I was hoping it would hurry up and end so I could mess around with Jess. I'd seen The Changeling ten times or better and not once had I been distracted while it was on.

  When it was finally over, Jess suggested we make a pizza. Damn it. Even though I was good and hungry, food was the last thing on my mind. Ladies, if you really knew how pathetic us guys are deep down I swear you'd all move to an island and have nothing to do with us ever again.

  Jess pulled the pizza out of the oven and we each made a plate and headed back into the living room. I grabbed the TV remote and flipped the channels. There wasn't much on that was worth watching, so I stopped skipping stations when we landed on an infomercial. I hate infomercials, but I can't ever seem to peel my eyes from the TV screen when they're on. The thing that always gets me is how they make very simple, everyday activities seem damn near impossible. This one was pitching a brand new, revolutionary vacuum cleaner. It was apparently designed to get into hard to reach places, something old conventional vacuums couldn't dream of. And a man with plastic hair let me know that my life would never be the same if I called and ordered now. They showed a clip of a thirty-something woman trying to maneuver between a bed and a chair with an older model vacuum, and she kept slamming it into the chair as if it had insulted her mother. Bam! Bam! I'd hate to think how much blood she'd lose trying to mow her lawn.

  We sat laughing through mouthfuls of pizza, and before long we were both growing tired. Jess got up, said goodnight and headed for her room. I rolled over and stretched out on the cushions, a little surprised that I was going to be sleeping on the couch again. Even though I hadn't brought up the subject, I felt kind of bad about feeling the way I did. Jess was definitely more than just someone to screw around with, but my hormones had been hitting me with right and left uppercuts all night. I closed my eyes and tried to get comfortable.

  "You gonna stay on the couch all night, cowboy?" Jessica said to my surprise. "Because I've got room for two in here."

  I opened my eyes and saw that she was pointing into her bedroom.

  "You sure about this, Jess?" Immediately after asking I wished I hadn't. My question was giving her a chance to change her mind, and that's the last thing I wanted at that moment. I really shouldn't ever speak without first spending at least thirty seconds thinking about what I'm going to say.

  "Oh, I'm sure," she said.

  Touchdown! I'd like to say that I was in love with Jess and that sex was something secondary, but that's just not the whole truth of it. Yeah, I was crazy about this woman, but that didn't mean I was dead. So I was horny, sue me.

  Jessica was standing beside her bed by the time I got into her room. She had a plain blue T-shirt on that hung down to her thighs. Her legs were just perfect. Hell, the whole damned package was perfect. I moved toward her and put my arms around her to find that the T-shirt was the only thing she had on.

  My hands moved over her body as we kissed, and for the first time since we had been attacked by the werewolf on the road, I was able to completely lose myself in the moment. Until that embrace I'd been afraid of werewolves in the back of my mind regardless of what I was doing or saying. I'd never in my life dealt with being terrified of something, and it was an awful thing to carry around on my back. Got heavy in a big hurry. And it felt good to forget, even if just for a while.

  Jess lay on the bed and pulled me on top of her. She knew exactly what to do, and I was seeing fireworks. Sex with Jess was incredible, though I didn't last too long the first time. Sometimes if I get too excited my boys get too eager to fire away. Lucky for me (and more so for her) the first time wasn't the last that night. She crawled on top of me and did some things that made most of my fantasies
seem lame by comparison.

  After a third go round we were both exhausted. We lay side by side looking up to darkness for a few minutes before Jessica spoke.

  "You doing alright there? Seem a little out of breath to me."

  "Oh yeah, trust me. I'm doing just fine. Finer than I've been doing in quite a while. You know, I might not even have nightmares tonight."

  "Well, I figure you've earned it with all of those nights out on the couch. Truth is, I thought about going out there and bringing you in here on more than a few nights but managed to exercise a little self-control," she said.

  "And why's that?"

  "Just wanted to get to know you as well as I could before I got myself too involved. Like I said, I've been screwed over by my fair share of fellows before and I don't plan on going through that again."

  "So you're saying I've passed the test."

  "With flying colors so far."

  "So when do I meet your parents?" I asked.

  "Now you're getting ahead of yourself," she said. "You've impressed me so far, but you're definitely not that far over on my good side just yet!"

  "Well, let's see what I can do to change that." My hand went up and found a breast as I rolled to face her.

  "You're a vigorous one," she said, "where does all this energy come from?"