Nick was only half listening to her words—that husky note to her voice had him reacting in a very basic way. He grew even warmer. Voices had never attracted him before. A voice, a pair of sad eyes, and knowing gut deep this woman was still leaving a lot out. He bought the house routine, and even went so far as to understand the business end of it, but he knew people and Kelsey was holding out on him.
His mother had been right, Kelsey was pretty. Too damned pretty. Nick had found her intriguing even with the black rimmed glasses, and linen suits. He'd found himself indulging in fantasies way before he had seen her in the satin T shirt. Something about her had pulled Nick in from the start. And the woman was a nut, for crying out loud!
"Okay I can buy that part, but why don't you try explaining why you want this kid—this way, if you can."
"All right, Nick, if it's that important I'll tell you a little about myself." She paused, looking away from him. "I suppose you deserve that much. As I told you before, I was married, for a short while to a very prominent business man."
"Yeah, you mentioned him." Nick sipped his coffee, his eyes never leaving Kelsey.
"We practically grew up together, Ralph and I, so he was no stranger. It seemed perfectly natural to marry him at the time. I thought I knew him so well. We were business partners, first. And that was one of the biggest problems."
Nick frowned.
"It was a cold marriage," she admitted her voice hardening at the memory. "Too much business. We both grew tired of each other, quickly. I was very young, immature. A little too ambitious too. But I still wanted a real marriage, and maybe just a little romance. I think every woman must want that. He didn't. Not that I was in love with the man, I wasn't, nor was he. As I told you before, people in our circles rarely marry for love. But I don't take marriage lightly. I wanted it to work. I'm a good Catholic. I wanted Ralph and I to have a real marriage, even though we were never married in the Church. I guess I had my head in the clouds. He let me know right away that he wasn't interested in bonding with me, in a relationship."
Nick listened, his anger rising toward the stuff shirt she'd married.
"So I tried harder to make things work between us. But the strain grew. In public he was the perfect husband, attentive, respectful, and almost loving. To make a long story short, we divorced two months after I caught him in bed with his secretary. Ralph always had a roving eye, and I was quite the novice in the bedroom."
"Damn," Nick muttered almost to himself as he put his cup on the coffee table. His arm went behind her on the sofa. "How could any decent man do that to his wife?"
"It happens. I've had one bad marriage Nick. I don't want another. That's why I'm not looking for a husband. But I still want a child."
"I'm sorry about your marriage."
"It could have been worse. It could have hurt worse." She shrugged nonchalantly, but Nick sensed the underlying pain. Still, the sadness he had seen and felt in her hadn't come from a bad marriage, he was sure of it. She hadn't told him anything he hadn't already assumed. He wanted to know more about her desperation to have a child.
"What makes you so sure this would be right for the child, having no father? I can't help wondering if you've thought this through completely, Kelsey. Children take a lot of time. Would you spare it? Would you take the time from your business to be a good parent?"
Kelsey bit her bottom lip.
"It's not right to some degree, to not have a father. I realize a child should have both parents."
Nick nodded.
"But realistically, I don't know if I have what it takes to make a successful marriage. I mean I really tried to make things work with Ralph. Even when I realized I wasn't looking at it realistically. I wanted us to work. It just didn't. But a baby—I can give the baby everything she could possibly need, including love and my time. I'd make time for a child." She looked at him curiously. "Why didn't you ask these questions at the interview?"
"I guess I was too shell shocked then to ask them. But Kelsey, you're still leaving something out. Something important. What is it? Level with me."
Kelsey finally met his gaze. "You're very perceptive."
"Not really, I just know people. And your story probably isn't much different than others I've heard." He shrugged. "I've heard a lot in my time about pain and hurt and I recognize the symptoms. Where I come from, there is a lot of suffering. So, what hurt you, Kelsey? How'd you lose your baby? I've got to know if we're going any further with this."
She stood up, paced the area in front of the fireplace, and then glanced at him again. Her expression changed, to one of pain and agony. Her eyes filled with emotion, her hands wouldn't be still. "I can't . . ."
"Yes you can," Nick said standing up and coming towards her. He took her by the shoulders, looked her in the eyes. "You're asking me to go against everything I believe in to have a child with you. All I'm asking—is why?"
A tear slipped down her cheek, and Nick still held her at bay.
"It never dawned on me I might be pregnant. I mean who'd have thought after a year of trying to have a child that I would suddenly conceive? And after I'd practically accused Ralph of being impotent. I'd given up. It was too late to make amends for the marriage. It was over and we both accepted it as adults."
"Go on, what about the baby?" Nick prodded, his hands tightening on her shoulders. Unable to look at Nick, she continued. "I moved, from Texas to New York. I set up my end of the business here. Alone. My family is in sheet metal it's been a booming business since the Second World War I've managed to expand it. I've been financially independent for several years."
"The baby—Kelsey. What happened to the baby?"
Her voice choked. Her shoulders slumped with resignation.
"You want everything, don't you Nick?" She cast a mournful glance.
"I want the truth."
"I-I lost it. No one knew about it, except Jackson. I was seven months pregnant. Everything was going fine—I thought," she choked, "b-but the baby was born dead, the cord was wrapped around…"
She stopped, unable to go on.
"My God—" Nick breathed heavier, throwing up a hand to stay her words. Feeling her pain, her agony. The bleakness in her voice ended his indecision; he wrapped his arms around her holding her, her head fit perfectly beneath his chin. Her sweet lilac perfume drifted upward. It was worse than he expected, much worse. Not only was she alone, but she had to face a death that was unbearable. How had she gone through such devastation?
"My parents never knew, and neither did Ralph. I wanted it that way. My life has been so incomplete ever since it happened. So void. I've felt such a failure."
"You faced all this alone?"
"Not totally." Her voice sounded muffled against his chest. "No. I had lots of friends. And Jackson."
"Jackson?" Nick wondered if he were the new man in her life, and lightened his hold of her. A stab of jealousy went clear to his toes.
"My secretary. Jackson was a godsend during that time. My only confidant."
A secretary, hell that would have been his last guess. Nick gathered her closer. He wished he could have been there for her, foolish though it was. He hadn't even known her then, hadn't shared anything with her. But this man Jackson had. "So why didn't you choose this Jackson as a sperm donor?"
Kelsey pulled away from his embrace. "I contemplated it. He's truly the most intelligent, well-bred and mannered man I know. But—I know this will sound strange, but—he's my friend. And believe it or not Nick, I'd never really had a friend before. I didn't want to ruin that. You see, had it not been for Jackson coming into my life when he did, this end of the company might not have survived. Don't get me wrong, I'm quite capable of taking care of the company today. But back then—it was debatable. I love him, and always will."
Nick looked puzzled. "So, because of Ralph, you're down on all men, except this Jackson, fella?"
"No. Not all men, thanks to Jackson. I just don't think I'm good at personal relationships. I'll be t
he first to admit it was as much my fault as Ralph's."
Nick nodded, feeling a surge of respect for Kelsey's honesty. "You're a very strong woman for admitting it. Most people never do. Mama says a mistake isn't as bad as it seems if you learn something from it."
"A very wise woman, your mother." Kelsey smiled and wiped her eyes. "I liked her from the first moment I met her."
Mama liked Kelsey too.
Silence filled the air between them. Kelsey turned away. Nick battled the urge to take her back into his arms.
"So the check upset you?" She asked not bothering to look at him again.
Nick nodded slowly, regrouping his thoughts. Hadn't he been angry when he arrived? "Yeah, it upset me."
"Why? I told you I would pay you well, and I meant it. I thought you knew and understood this whole arrangement, Nick. I told you I didn't take this lightly. I don't go around asking men to donate sperm every day."
Nick thought about that, and nodded again. He took another sip of coffee, and then put the cup down on the table. It rattled, and Dorothy came to pick up the dishes, her eyes straying to Nick more than once, and then left without a word.
Nick sat on the edge of the couch. "Yeah, I guess I just never imagined how much we were talking about. Maybe a hundred thousand isn't much to you. I only expected a couple of hundred at the most. After all, I didn't do much to earn it."
Kelsey shook her head. "Oh, but you did Nick. You earned it. I couldn't have a child without your help. And I suspect from your reaction tonight that it's hard for you that you can't have an active part in her life. But it's your sense of responsibility that drew me to you in the first place. One doesn't seem to compliment the other, though, does it? I guess it's ironic that I should choose a man that wants and likes children, against a man who is indifferent to them. Perhaps that might have been easier."
Nick felt the pangs of guilt inside him rise and choke him. Knowing him, had she said knowing him? Did she know him? Did she realize what she was doing to him, making him give up perhaps the only child he might ever have?
Still, he couldn't lay all the blame on her. He had agreed. Agreed? Hell, he signed a damned contract. Where had his mind gone? He should have thought this through instead of rushing into this agreement? He knew the consequences. Perhaps the clinical part of it had blinded his reasoning.
"Yeah, well I guess this arrangement bothers me more than I thought it would."
Kelsey placed her hand over his, feeling the current running between them like a live wire. "I didn't realize just how seriously you were taking this until tonight, Nick. I really didn't know you that well. I thought the less we knew about each other the better. Like you suggested. I thought by the time you agreed to do this, you had come to grips with the reality of it all."
Nick glanced down at her hand on his. She quickly moved it. He stretched, then stood and paced the room. He wished the room would swallow him. He wished the whole thing could be swallowed up and he and Kelsey could start fresh. "Yeah well, I thought, because it was so clinical, it would be easier to walk away from it. I thought I could just ignore the fact that we're talking about a real life here. But I can't. There are too many things to consider, Kelsey. This is a real baby we are talking about. My baby!"
He stopped pacing and met her gaze. "You want no involvement, from me. I understand, I think. It's not like you didn't tell me up front. But it still doesn't sit any better, knowing it. There isn't a day goes by I don't think about it."
Kelsey extended a hand towards him, and Nick felt jolted by her compassion. Every touch sent him careening down a new path of awareness? He wanted so badly to know more about this woman, to probe deeper into the real person. He should be giving her what for. Instead her heart wrenching story had only drawn him to her more.
"Nick, I never meant to hurt you. Never meant to confound your morals. That is part of the reason I insisted this be done in a clinic. My intention isn't to hurt anyone. I simply want a child. And I can't do that by myself."
Nick let go of her hand.
"You know, it's funny. I took that check thinking I could save it as a memento." He smiled sadly at her. "But dammit, it rubs me the wrong way. My dad left us. Left my mother right after Tony was born, after he beat her. He came home drunk once too many. I never forgave him. Not for that. Never. And I swore I'd never do that to my kid."
Kelsey's eyes shone with sympathy. "Nick, please, don't be upset about this. Don't make it something, it isn't. You aren't your father."
"Yeah, I know. At least I never thought I'd be." He muttered miserably. He wanted her to understand what this child meant to him, that he didn't take creating life so nonchalantly. That no man should. "But it hits close to home, regardless. Too close. I swore I'd never leave a kid of mine. Never walk out on it. And look at me. I'm no better than my own father. It doesn't matter how much you white coat it, it's still the same."
"You loved him very much, didn't you?"
"I hated him."
"Yes, I know," her voice softened, "but you also loved him, didn't you?"
Nick glanced out the big picture window toward the park and river, wishing she wasn't quite so understanding. Wishing he could hate her for what she was doing to him.
"Yeah," he admitted with a grit of his teeth. "I loved him."
He thought these emotions were buried. He was wrong. They were gripping his heart and ripping it into shreds. He felt a moisture sting his eye. God, a tear? After all these years? He blinked it back. The first and last tear he'd cry over his father, he vowed silently. How had she managed to dredge all this up?
Instead he hardened himself, the way he always had when anything got too close to hurting.
"He used to beat the tar out of me." Nick tried to smile. "Whipped me with a belt. I remember once, I stole something from a drug store. He found out, and marched me into that store, made me admit what I had done, and give the toothbrush back."
Kelsey's eyes rounded with surprise. "You stole a—toothbrush?"
"I guess that sounds pretty stupid to someone like you, doesn't it? But we didn't have toothbrushes," He saw the look of shock on her face. "Hell, we didn't know any better, we used a washrag. I thought everyone did. Ignorant, huh?"
Kelsey's expression softened, and this time she couldn't stop a tear from rolling down one cheek. Her compassion unnerved him. He wanted no pity; he wasn't ashamed of being poor.
"No. I don't think so. Go on, tell me what happened?"
Nick shrugged, "Never bothered me that we were poor until I went to school and found out everyone had a toothbrush but me. Hell, until then, I thought we were rich. We had what a lot of kids didn't. We had each other. And that was a lot. So anyway, to make a long story short, I stole one. It seemed simple enough; a lot of kids stole things in my neck of the woods. I figured a toothbrush was pretty harmless. My dad was half drunk, unemployed, and madder than a hornet when he found out what I did. 'The Leonetti's weren't thieves,' he had said."
"How'd he find out?"
"I was stupid, I told my older brother. My brother was as upset as my dad. Dad whipped the fire out of me, for that. But I never stole again. Funny, I guess he was the one that instilled all these guilt trips of mine."
Silence filled the room, and then Nick admitted, looking at her with new understanding of his own feelings. "It wasn't the whipping that was so bad. I got my fair share of them. I could take that. I deserved most of them. It was admitting to that manager what I'd done, that hurt. Dad made me do it. I had to work for that man for two weeks, and still didn't get the toothbrush. He thought I was just another hoodlum."
"Your father sounds harsh as does the druggist, but your father must have been a very decent man, once. He taught you lessons in life you've lived by as an adult. Not many, these days, can say that Nick. I think you were fortunate in many ways, despite your financial situation. And from what I've seen, you were rich in one commodity at least—love."
Nick mumbled under his breath, "I don't know if that'
s the word I'd use to describe my father."
"You couldn't forgive him for leaving you."
"Leaving me, sure. I was grown. I didn't matter. For leaving me, yes, but not Mama, Tina and Tony. They loved him so, Mama still does. Still defends him until this day. She's says I'm a lot like him."
Sliding next to him, Kelsey placed her hand on his arm again. "Sometimes people aren't what they seem, Nick. And sometimes, things don't work out, no matter how hard you try to make them. Divorce is very common these days."
"My Mama," Nick shook his head. "She married for life. One man. She's never looked at another man. Never considered another."
"Perhaps there were things in their marriage you just couldn't understand then." She squeezed his arm, and he glanced at her again their eyes meeting.
"He lived with her for twenty eight years. Twenty eight years. She never knew anything about the other women. We kids took care of that. Oh, he'd come home drunk, he'd get fired from his job. She knew all of that, and kept right on forgiving him for his weaknesses. They'd fight. Then one day he just up and walks out on all of us."
"Who knows what drives people apart? He must have had a reason for what he did. Have you asked him?"
Nick hit his fist into his palm. "I never saw him again after he left. Never wanted to. He never sent a dime to Mama for support. She worked like a dog for years in that damned dry cleaners. He never came back to see us." Nick shrugged and glanced at her, surprised to see such emotion in her eyes. "I guess he's the real reason I've never married. Fraid I'll be like him."
Kelsey shook her head. "No. I doubt that. I think you've been too busy being the 'father' of your family to marry anyone. You may be like your father in some ways, but there is a lot of your mother inside you, Nick."
Nick's Baby Page 9
