Heart Trouble

by Jae

  Hope clutched the CD case so tightly that her knuckles whitened. “That’s not a good idea.”

  “Why not? Maybe I’ll see something that you’d miss. Two heads think better than one, right?”

  “Have you ever watched a resuscitation?”

  Laleh didn’t want to think about the details of what the video would show. She forced a smile to her face. “Does watching Grey’s Anatomy count?”

  Hope grimaced. “No. They make more mistakes during resuscitations than my med students on the first day of their rotation.”

  Laleh let her smile die away. “I think I need to watch it, Hope. The not knowing is worse for me. My overactive imagination steps in and fills in the blanks, and what I’m imagining is probably worse than what really happened.”

  Hope still tightly gripped the CD case. “Are you sure about this?”

  “Yes,” Laleh said, even though she wasn’t. But she knew if she expressed the least bit of doubt, Hope would lock away the CD forever.

  Hope looked at her for a long time. Finally, when Laleh held her gaze, she nodded. “All right. Let’s watch it. But please stop it any time you’ve had enough, okay?”

  A lump formed in Laleh’s throat. “Is it that bad?”

  “No. I don’t think so. But then again, I see this kind of procedure every day, and I have a professional distance. You don’t have that.”

  Professional distance… Did she, really? Was this just another resuscitation for Hope?

  “I’ll be fine,” Laleh said. With a pretty good imitation of a smile, she added, “I sat through my father’s home video of me falling off my bike and breaking my arm about a million times.”

  “Trust me, that’s not the same.”

  “I know. I still want to watch it. And like you said, I can stop the video any time.” Laleh pointed at the remote control on the coffee table.

  Hope let out a long sigh. “Are all Persian women so stubborn?”

  Laleh laughed and felt part of her tension ebb away. “Pretty much. At least in my family.”

  “All right. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.” Hope turned on her large flat-screen TV, got up from the couch, and put the CD into the DVD player. “Ready?” she asked once she had returned to her end of the couch.

  Lips firmly pressed together, Laleh nodded.

  Hope extended her arm with the remote control and pressed play before putting the remote down between them.

  At first, the actions on the screen didn’t seem real. Laleh watched herself being wheeled into the trauma room. Even though she recognized her face and the clothes she’d worn that day, she could barely believe that she was watching herself. Maybe a bit of Hope’s professional distance had rubbed off on her, she thought as she calmly watched the nurses and doctors jump into action around her.

  Then one of the nurses cut off Laleh’s clothing, the shears slicing through the blouse with the saffron rice pudding stain and through her favorite bra. Now Laleh lay there half-naked, defenseless…

  Every bit of pseudo-professional distance Laleh might have possessed evaporated in an instant. She clutched the arm of the couch.

  In the video, Hope gave orders, guiding her team, but Laleh’s brain could no longer process what was being said.

  Her gaze zeroed in on the face beneath the clear plastic mask of the ambu bag. Her face.

  Then her attention snapped back as Hope leaned over her with the defibrillation paddles.

  Laleh tensed. Her fingers started to cramp, but she didn’t let go of the couch. Neither could she stop the video.

  “Clear,” Hope shouted on the screen.

  Sudden tears blurred Laleh’s vision, but she couldn’t look away. She jerked as if the electric current had hit her again.

  “Laleh?” Hope touched her shoulder the very moment Laleh’s arm flew up in the video, her hand connecting with Hope’s chest. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine. I’m fine,” she gasped, not knowing if she was talking about the successful resuscitation or about her momentary emotional state. Her body trembled from head to toe, and she was breathing much too fast. God, was this a panic attack?

  Hope leaned toward her, and Laleh let go of the couch and latched on to her. When Hope tensed, she realized her mistake. Hope hadn’t leaned toward her to offer comfort; she had probably tried to reach the remote control between them to shut off the video.

  “I’m sorry.” Laleh tried to move back, but now Hope wouldn’t let go.

  “No,” Hope whispered, her cheek pressed to Laleh’s hair. “I’m the one who’s sorry. I never should have shown you that video.” She let go of her with one hand for a moment and shut off the video.

  Laleh pressed her wet cheek to Hope’s shoulder. Their thighs rested against each other. It should have felt awkward, but it didn’t. It felt natural and right, even though it wasn’t the most comfortable position. Deeply, she breathed in the fresh, clean scent of Hope. “You can say it.”

  “Say what?” Hope asked. Her voice rumbled in Laleh’s ear.

  “I told you so.”

  Hope’s cheek brushed Laleh’s hair as she shook her head. “I don’t have the slightest desire to say that.”

  “I thought I could watch it the way you did, from a totally scientific viewpoint, but seeing myself almost…” She squeezed her eyes shut against an onslaught of new tears. “I thought I was prepared for it, but…”

  “It’s all right,” Hope murmured. “I understand.”

  Laleh knew she should move away and collect herself, but being in Hope’s arms felt like the safest place on earth. Not only because it was the woman who’d saved her life, but because it was Hope. She felt so familiar, as if she were an extension of her own body. Was it because of their connection, or had she come to trust Hope so fast?

  Slowly, Laleh’s tears stopped. She hiccupped once. “I’m not sorry I watched it,” she said after a while. Her voice shook. “I think I needed to see it. I haven’t really processed what happened to me. What could have happened.”

  Hope didn’t say anything; she just cradled Laleh against her. One of her hands rubbed slow, soothing circles on Laleh’s back.

  With her head still buried against Hope’s shoulder, Laleh forced herself to say it. “I almost died.” A shiver went through her body despite Hope’s warmth. “If my mother hadn’t insisted on driving me to the ER…”

  Hope held her a little more tightly, sheltering Laleh against her body. “But she did. Don’t keep thinking about all the what-ifs, or it’ll make you crazy. You’re fine.”

  “I am. I’m fine. Thanks to you.” Laleh almost pressed a kiss to the shoulder she was resting against but held herself back at the last second. What are you doing? Boy, you’re a total mess. You’d better get your head on straight—literally. Reluctantly, she moved away from her comfy spot cradled against Hope’s warm body.

  Hope slid back a little, but not all the way to the other end of the couch.

  Now that they had a bit of distance between them, embarrassment set in. Jeez, she must think I’m pathetic. When she looked away from Hope’s concerned gaze, she realized Hope’s T-shirt was wet on one shoulder. The darkened stain on her red shirt almost looked like blood. “I’m sorry.”

  Hope brushed her hand over the wet spot. “You’ve got no reason to apologize. None, do you hear me?” She ducked her head a little to look into Laleh’s eyes.

  Her blue irises still reminded Laleh of the colors of her scrubs, but unlike the first time she’d gazed into those eyes, when she’d first woken up in the hospital, they no longer looked so cool and distanced.

  Laleh took a freeing breath. “All right. No apologies.” She sank against the back of the couch. Wow. She was spent, as if she’d run a marathon. Her eyes felt swollen and gritty.

  Hope picked up a box of tissues from the coffee table and held it out to her.

  “Thanks.” Laleh blew her nose.

  “More wine?” Hope asked.

  Laleh appreciated the attempt to find
something to help her feel better, but she shook her head. “I still need to drive home.”

  “You could sleep here.” Hope snapped her mouth shut and looked as surprised by her offer as Laleh felt.

  Her condo didn’t look as if she had visitors very often, and a sleepover seemed way out of her comfort zone.

  Hastily, Hope added, “On the couch, I mean.”

  A smile found its way onto Laleh’s lips. “Relax. I didn’t think you were inviting me into your bed.”

  “Yeah, I’ll wait until you’re a more attractive sight,” Hope quipped.

  Laleh reached over and pinched her thigh.

  They smiled at each other.

  “It’s just a few miles to Glendale,” Laleh finally said. “I’ll be fine to drive, really.”

  “If you’re sure…”

  “I’m sure. I already missed my cousin’s party tonight. If I’m not there tomorrow morning to see Uncle Bahram off before he leaves to spend two months with his mother in Iran, I’ll be in the doghouse with my mother for the rest of the month.”

  Hope scratched her neck. “You could head over there directly from here tomorrow morning.”

  “And show up wearing the same clothes? My mother would put me through an interrogation that would make the CIA go green with envy.” Laleh got up from the couch. “Is it okay if we talk about the video another time? I’m pretty done in.” She was no longer embarrassed to admit it in front of Hope.

  “Of course.” Hope stood too and accompanied her to the door, where Laleh turned.

  “Oh, speaking of my mother and interrogations… You’re invited to dinner at my parents’ house this weekend.”

  “Sorry, but I’m going to be out of town this weekend,” Hope said.

  “Oh. Of course.” What had she expected? Hope had had a life before meeting her. Or maybe it was an excuse because she wasn’t interested in meeting Laleh’s parents.

  “I’m flying to Boston on Friday for a conference on geriatric emergency medicine,” Hope added after a moment. “Maybe we could get together when I’m back.”

  A conference! Laleh was almost ridiculously pleased to find out it hadn’t been an excuse. “That sounds great. And it will give your stomach some time to recover.”

  Hope patted her belly and groaned, but she was smiling. “Good thing the conference hotel has a fitness center.”

  Laleh opened the door. “Have a good conference and safe travels.”

  “Thanks. And thanks again for the fesenjan. It was a great—if somewhat painful—experience.” Hope waggled her Band-Aid-covered index finger.

  That summed up their evening for Laleh too. Seeing the video had been painful, but otherwise she’d enjoyed herself—so much, in fact, that she was a little reluctant to leave. Still facing Hope, she forced herself to step backward into the hallway.

  Hope lifted her hand in a final wave good-bye, and Laleh mirrored the gesture.

  Come on. Leave. What are you waiting for? She wasn’t sure of the answer, so she let herself be guided by instinct. Two steps carried her back inside the condo. She wrapped her arms around Hope and let her head rest against that now familiar shoulder for a moment. This. This was what she’d been waiting for.

  At first, Hope didn’t react. Laleh had probably caught her off guard. A second before letting go, she felt Hope’s arms settle around her and squeeze.

  Without pausing to look back, Laleh turned and left.

  * * *

  Hope opened the French doors and stepped onto her balcony. The cool night air brushed along her body, which felt a little overheated. Shivering, she touched the wet spot on her shoulder and stared toward the illuminated Griffith Observatory up on the hill. The contours of Laleh’s body still felt imprinted on her own, and Laleh’s words echoed through her mind.

  I thought I could watch it the way you did, from a totally scientific viewpoint.

  Hope hadn’t said anything to that assumption, but she could admit to herself that watching the video hadn’t been anything like reviewing footage of other resuscitations for one of their weekly M&M conferences.

  When she’d run the code blue on Laleh, she’d merely been a doctor treating a patient. But now that she knew Laleh better, she’d lost that shield of professionalism. Any remainders of her scientific objectivity had been blown to pieces the moment she’d realized Laleh was crying.

  In the hospital, she saw tears on an almost daily basis. Many people cried when she gave them bad news about their health or told them their loved one had died. While Hope felt genuinely sorry for them, there was always a distance that protected her and made it possible for her to do her job.

  Never had anyone’s pain touched her like this. Not since seeing her mother go through round after round of chemo.

  She rubbed the damp spot on her shoulder again and then abruptly stripped the T-shirt over her head, as if interrupting the skin contact could stop the memories. Maybe it was a good thing that she was going away for a few days. She needed some distance.

  Too bad the conference was held in Boston of all places. Even if she could get away from Laleh and this connection between them, she wouldn’t be able to escape her memories in that city.

  CHAPTER 10

  After two days of nonstop lectures, hands-on workshops, and medical simulations, Hope was exhausted. A long shower helped a little. She flopped down on her queen-sized bed and stared up at the ceiling, debating whether she should call room service.

  Some of her colleagues had asked her to join them for an evening at a nearby Irish pub, but Hope wasn’t in the mood to socialize.

  She reached over, settled her laptop onto her thighs, and looked for places to eat within walking distance.

  The hotel’s Wi-Fi was so slow she could have flown back to Los Angeles and had some of Laleh’s delicious Persian food by the time the restaurant review site finished loading.

  The thought of the fesenjan they had cooked together made her stomach growl. With a grunt, she gave up, closed the laptop, and reached for her cell phone instead.

  At first, she just planned to look up nearby restaurants with her phone’s hopefully faster Internet connection. But once she had the device in her hand, her thumb pressed the contacts icon as if on its own volition.

  What are you doing? Laleh wouldn’t even pick up. While it was already after eight in Boston, it was three hours earlier in LA, so Laleh would still be at work. And let’s not forget that you wanted to use the time away to get some distance.

  Despite the admonition, she scrolled through the list until she reached Laleh’s name. Distance. Exactly. This is a great chance to find out if these weird skills work across large distances too.

  Hope snorted. Admit it. You just want to hear her voice.

  But knowing what she had planned for tomorrow, she decided to allow herself the distraction. If Laleh didn’t pick up, then so be it. She pressed the connect button and held the phone up to her ear.

  To her surprise, Laleh picked up almost immediately.

  “Uh, hi, Laleh. It’s me—Hope. Aren’t you at work?”

  “I am. Just taking a break before the dinner crowd comes in. What about you? I thought you were at a conference this weekend?”

  “I only got back to my hotel room half an hour ago, after the last session of the day.” Hope stretched out on the bed and curled her arm beneath her head.

  “Anything interesting?” Laleh asked.

  “Depends on what you’d find interesting. It was about emergency airway management in elderly patients.”

  Laleh made a sound of approval. “Considering how many elderly people come into the ER, that makes sense.”

  Hope kept forgetting how much Laleh knew about emergency medicine. Yeah, and that’s why you called, remember? Not just to enjoy that warm voice. “Do you need to get back to work, or do you have a few minutes?”

  “It’s pretty quiet here at the moment,” Laleh said. “I’m alone on the patio. What’s up?”

  “I was wondering…
Are you up for a little experimenting?”

  For several seconds, not even the sound of Laleh’s breathing filtered through the phone.

  “Uh…”

  Hope laughed. The day’s stress melted away like wax under a flame. “Get your mind out of the gutter! Not that kind of experimenting. I’m talking about testing if our connection works over such large distances or if it has a limited range, like a walkie-talkie.”

  “Oh. Of course.” Laleh cleared her throat. “Yes, I’m up for that. How do you want to test it?”

  “I thought we could see if you know any of the stuff I learned in the last two days. That way, we could also test whether you only have access to knowledge I already had when we got shocked or it also works on new knowledge.”

  “Okay. Ask me something.”

  Hope mentally flipped through the slides she’d seen in the last two days. Finally, she decided on something from today’s last lecture. “What factors make intubation of elderly patients more likely to be difficult?”

  Laleh hesitated.

  “Don’t think. Just answer.”

  “Increased cervical joint rigidity, decreased thyromental distance, reduced—”

  “Okay, okay. It seems safe to say the experiment was a success.” Or was it? Hope wasn’t sure whether she liked that whatever she learned, Laleh would know too. The transfer of knowledge between them wasn’t a one-time thing; it was still going on.

  Something metal clinked against each other, as if Laleh was straightening the cutlery on a table. “Seems like it.”

  “But we still don’t know what caused it.” Hope hesitated. Could she ask Laleh about the video of her resuscitation? Or would that bring back a lot of unwanted emotions?

  Finally, it was Laleh who spoke first. “On Wednesday…when we watched the video…did you see anything?”

  Hope exhaled, glad that Laleh had been the one to bring it up. “Other than me getting zapped, everything was pretty routine. When I turned my head to make sure everyone had stepped away from the stretcher, one paddle must have slipped a little to the side. Pretty embarrassing rookie mistake.” She rubbed one heated cheek with her free hand. “What about you? Did you notice anything that would explain…?”