Heart Trouble

by Jae

  A collective gasp drifted through the trauma bay.

  Oh hell. A wave of nausea shot through Hope. Sometimes, life just wasn’t fair. She turned away and took several deep breaths before stepping out of the trauma bay. You can’t save them all, no matter how hard you try. You know that. But that wisdom wouldn’t help the girl’s family. And now she had to go talk to them. A weight seemed to settle on her shoulders as she slowly made her way down the corridor toward the private waiting room. This never got any easier.

  One quick glance down at her scrubs to make sure they were clean, then she opened the door.

  The young couple at the other end of the room froze. The woman—just as blonde as her daughter—was sobbing and clinging to her husband. Slowly, as if reluctant to face Hope and the situation, she turned toward her and extended a pleading hand in her direction. Tears streamed down her face and dripped from her trembling chin. “Emma…how…?”

  Hope swallowed down the lump in her throat. “Mrs. Fisher… We did everything we could, but your daughter’s injuries were too severe. I’m so sorry.”

  The girl’s father doubled over as if in physical pain. Only his tight grip on the back of a chair seemed to keep him upright. “No,” he got out. “H-how can she be gone?”

  “I’m sorry,” Hope said, her voice raspy.

  “No, no, no, no!” The mother started to rock back and forth, clutching her stomach. “What did I do? Oh God, what did I do? Ben…” She fell against her husband and tried to wrap her arms around his shoulders, but he backed away as if she had their daughter’s blood on her hands and stormed from the room.

  Hope would have liked nothing better than to follow him out and escape this horrible situation, but the sobbing woman sank into her arms instead. Nothing Hope said could take away the pain, so she held her silently. It had been the same for her when her mother had died, and that old wound still hadn’t healed.

  * * *

  “Jill, do you need help with the—?” Laleh stopped in the doorway of Jill’s kitchen.

  The two hostesses were too busy with each other to notice her or the party going on in their living room. The celery sticks Jill had set out to slice ten minutes ago lay abandoned on a cutting board. Crash had Jill trapped between the counter and her athletic body. Not that Jill seemed to mind.

  And who would? Laleh knew she should turn away and give her friends some privacy, but she stood rooted to the spot and watched as their faces slowly moved closer to each other as if drawn in by magnetic forces.

  Their lips met in a kiss that started out gentle but quickly turned passionate when Jill’s hands slid down and grabbed Crash’s firm ass, drawing her closer.

  Her cheeks flushed with heat, Laleh fled to the living room. She tried to remember how she’d felt when she’d seen them kiss in the past, but her brain was too busy replaying the scene in the kitchen.

  Anyone would find that hot, right? And no one could deny how attractive Crash was in that androgynous way that some women pulled off so well. Those piercing blue eyes, that dark hair, and the confident smile were a killer combination. But it wasn’t really Crash she was thinking of. She remembered all too well who else had that killer combination.

  A touch to her shoulder made her jump. She whirled around.

  “Hey.” Jill stood in front of her, a plate of celery sticks in her hands, her lips swollen from Crash’s kisses. A glow seemed to emanate from her. “Did you need anything?”

  “No, um…I was wondering if you needed any help with the celery sticks.”

  “Nope.” Crash stepped next to Jill and wrapped one arm around her waist. “I helped her already.”

  Jill snorted. “You call that helping?”

  “Are you complaining?” Crash asked, her gentle Texas accent becoming more pronounced.

  “Never.” Jill gave her a gentle kiss on the lips.

  “You two are disgustingly cute together, has anyone ever told you that? Speaking of cute… Where’s Tramp?” Laleh looked around for Jill’s labradoodle.

  “He’s staying with Susana,” Jill said. “Having all the food and the people around would rile him up too much.”

  Laleh was just about to respond when a wall of emotions slammed into her, too many to sort out, but all of them painful. She swayed and almost fell.

  Crash caught her and held her close to steady her.

  When she could breathe again, Laleh gently freed herself. Crash might have looked a little like Hope, but her embrace felt all wrong.

  One hand on her back, Crash led her over to the couch and shooed two other guests out of the way so Laleh could sit. Jill went and got her a glass of water.

  While Laleh sipped slowly, she reached out and carefully probed the pain, like one would a sore tooth. It reminded her of what she had felt from Hope the day she had visited her mother’s grave. Something had triggered that old grief.

  Laleh pressed the glass of water into Jill’s hands and jumped up.

  Jill and Crash each put a hand on one of her shoulders and sent her a worried gaze.

  She fought the urge to scream at them, demanding they get out of the way. Calm down. It wasn’t her despair she was feeling. It was Hope’s.

  Hope. I have to get to her. Whatever had happened, she couldn’t let her suffer through this alone. “I’m sorry. I need to go.”

  “What? Now?” Jill pointed at the other guests in the living room, who were peeking over at them. “But the party just started!”

  “I know. But I…I need to go. I’ll call you later.” Before they could try to change her mind, she brushed past them and hurried to her car.

  * * *

  Laleh fought her way through the traffic-filled streets of Los Angeles. Why were there so many idiots on the streets? Didn’t they have anywhere to be on New Year’s Eve—anywhere but here?

  She clutched the steering wheel more tightly. Okay. Deep breath. Calm down or you’ll make poor Hope even more upset.

  She had focused on her driving, trying to blank out the emotions pulsing through their link. Now she stretched out her mental feelers in the direction of the hospital. For a moment, there was nothing, like a radio turned to the wrong channel, producing only static. Hope was no longer at the hospital.

  Muttering a curse, Laleh made an illegal U-turn and drove toward Hope’s condo as fast as traffic allowed.

  When she reached Hope’s street and started looking for a parking space, she caught a glimpse of Hope, who was walking toward the front door to her condominium building. Laleh turned off the engine and jumped out of the car, leaving it double-parked in front of the apartment complex.

  “Hope!” Barely looking left or right, she sprinted across the street.

  Either Hope had heard her, or she could sense her presence. She turned toward Laleh. Her face was pale, and she was still in her scrubs, as if she hadn’t had the energy to change out of them.

  A new blast of pain hit Laleh, stronger now, either because of their proximity or because Hope had let go of her tight self-control when she had seen her.

  “What happened?” Laleh realized she was shaking—either from her own tension or from Hope’s; she wasn’t sure.

  Hope reached out but stopped before making contact. She stuffed both hands into the pockets of her scrubs. “You don’t need to worry. I’m fine.”

  How could she want to soothe Hope’s pain away and strangle her at the same time? “No,” she ground out. “You’re not. No faking it, remember?”

  “Laleh.” There was so much in that one word: I can’t talk about it. God, it’s so good to see you. Please, hold me.

  So Laleh did. She rushed forward and wrapped her arms around Hope, making her stumble back a step.

  Hope’s back collided with the still-closed front door. She was trapped between it and Laleh’s body, the way Jill had been trapped between Crash and the counter.

  Laleh shook off the mental image and focused on Hope, whose body was stiff against hers for a second or two. Finally, Hope relaxed and
seemed to melt into her. Her arms came up and squeezed so tightly that it almost hurt. They fit together like the two pieces of a yin-and-yang symbol.

  Hope lowered her head and buried her face against Laleh’s shoulder.

  Laleh cradled her against her own body. She wanted to wrap her into a cocoon of protectiveness and affection and spirit her away to a place where no one could see Hope’s moment of weakness. “What happened?” she whispered after a while of just holding her.

  Not lifting her head from Laleh’s shoulder, Hope inhaled and exhaled. Her warm breath washed over Laleh’s neck, sending a wave of goose bumps down her body.

  “I lost a patient. She was just six… And her mother… God.” A shudder went through her. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t normally react like this.”

  “Ssh. Nothing’s wrong with you. Nothing, you hear?” She slid her fingers into Hope’s unruly hair and gently tugged so Hope would lift her head and look at her. “You’re only human.”

  Hope looked up. There were no tears in her eyes, but so much emotion—pain for more than the girl and her mother.

  Laleh understood without asking that she—the distance she had forced between them—was part of that pain too. For the first time since her mother’s death, Hope had allowed herself to connect with someone, and then Laleh had asked her to stay away.

  “I’m so sorry.” About the girl. About your mother. About everything. She caressed Hope’s scalp, then the back of her neck with her fingertips, wanting so much to take away the pain. Her world was reduced to the pale blue of Hope’s eyes and the feel of the silky strands between her fingers.

  Slowly, Hope lowered her head.

  Had Laleh pulled her down, or had Hope moved first? She didn’t know, and her brain lost the ability to think about it. Her gaze flicked down to Hope’s sensuous mouth.

  She leaned up and touched her lips to Hope’s. Not a kiss, really, but more of an attempt to absorb her pain and send her all the warmth and affection she could.

  Wonder radiated through their link, peeking out from behind the dark cloud of Hope’s sadness like a ray of sunlight.

  Hope held very, very still—for about two beats of Laleh’s racing heart. Then she fanned her hands out across Laleh’s shoulders and kissed her. It was tender and careful, a melting of mouth against mouth.

  So soft. So warm. A moan escaped Laleh’s throat.

  As if that sound had been a spark igniting a barrel of oil, Hope surged forward and kissed her—really kissed her. The tip of her tongue brushed Laleh’s lips.

  A full-body tingle rushed through Laleh. Her mouth opened on a gasp, and Hope’s tongue dipped inside, first a tentative touch, then a long, experimental caress, like the slide of silk against silk.

  Oh holy… Laleh moaned against Hope’s tongue.

  Heat seemed to bounce back and forth between them.

  Hope’s hands came up to cradle Laleh’s face between her palms, two fingers grazing the sensitive shell of her ears and making her shudder.

  Laleh’s knees grew wobbly, so she clutched Hope’s shoulders. Her whole body seemed to vibrate with not only her own feelings but Hope’s too. A buzzing started in her ears and then wouldn’t stop.

  “Phone,” Hope rasped against her lips.

  Huh? Every cell in Laleh’s brain was focused on touching and feeling, not processing language. She blinked up at Hope, who looked just as dazed.

  “I think…” Hope cleared her throat, her voice even huskier than usual. “…your phone is buzzing.”

  “Oh.” She stumbled back half a step and fished the cell phone from her pocket with trembling fingers. Jeez. What was that? We…we kissed! And what a kiss. It took her a moment to remember how to operate her phone. She was shaking all over, every nerve alive. When she lifted the phone to her ear, she kept her gaze on the ground, not daring to even peek at Hope to see her reaction to what had just happened between them.

  But she couldn’t ignore what was coming through their link. Fireworks were going off, and it wasn’t even midnight. More muted feelings were mixed into the brightly burning passion—the same doubts, hesitation, and even fear that Laleh felt too.

  “Laleh? Laleh? Are you there?” The urgency in Jill’s voice revealed that she’d probably called Laleh’s name several times already.

  “Uh, yes.” She cleared her throat. “I’m here. Sorry.”

  “Crash and I are worried about you. It’s not like you to just run out. Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine.” More than fine, at least physically. Her body still tingled all over. Her heart and mind, however, were another matter.

  “What happened?”

  Hope. Hope happened. Laleh squeezed her eyes shut for a moment. “I’ll tell you later.”

  “Are you coming back?” Jill asked.

  Laleh hesitated. Part of her didn’t want to leave Hope but to stay right in her arms. Yet the bigger part wanted to run and get some space. “Yeah. I’ll be right back.” She ended the call before Jill could ask more questions. “I have to go,” she said without looking up. “I ran out of Jill’s New Year’s Eve party when I felt you.”

  “Laleh—”

  She stopped Hope with a raised hand. Still breathing much too fast, she took another step back. “Please, Hope. I…I need to think. I can’t do that here…with you.” For the first time, she looked up and into Hope’s eyes. “Will you be okay on your own?”

  Hope nodded shakily.

  “Good.” Laleh inhaled and exhaled. “Good.” Her brain felt slow, as if it couldn’t process all the thoughts and feelings she was experiencing. Finally, she turned away and walked toward her car.

  “Laleh!” Hope’s hoarse voice stopped her after two steps.

  She turned around.

  “Just…just don’t shut me out, okay? We’re in this together.”

  Despite her tension, Laleh had to smile as Hope repeated the words Laleh had said to her months ago. “I won’t.”

  “Pinkie-swear?” Hope asked.

  Boy, she was cute. Laleh walked back and extended her pinkie. “I pinkie-swear.”

  Hope hooked her finger around Laleh’s.

  The tingling, which had nearly ebbed away by now, started again. She stood there for a moment, looking into Hope’s eyes and feeling the energy crackling through their connection. Slowly, she backed away, her arm extended so their fingers could stay wrapped around each other until the very last moment. Then their grip loosened. Her pinkie slid over the length of Hope’s; the fingertips lingered skin to skin for one more second; then the contact was gone.

  Laleh walked backward, keeping eye contact for several steps before she lifted her hand in a short wave, turned, and hurried to her car on shaky legs.

  * * *

  Hope sank against the lobby door—the same door Laleh’s fierce hug had tossed her against earlier. She pressed her fingers to her tingling lips as she watched Laleh’s car disappear around the corner. What the hell had happened? When she’d come home from the hospital, kissing Laleh had been the last thing on her mind—and then it had been the only thing on her mind. Even thinking about it now made her heart speed up.

  Every touch of Laleh’s lips, her tongue, even that fleeting contact of their pinkies had felt larger than life.

  And it scared the heck out of her. She wasn’t even sure what scared her more: that Laleh might tell her she was straight and declare what had happened a mistake—or that she might decide she wanted to give it a try. If she and Laleh got involved, it wouldn’t be like any other relationship she’d been in before. Unlike her former girlfriends, Laleh couldn’t be kept at a safe distance. She was under her skin already.

  If Laleh changed her mind about them, it would cut deep—right through the heart. Was she really willing to risk that?

  She reached out through their link in an attempt to find an answer, but all she felt from Laleh was the same confusion and doubt that rattled her too.

  Someone tried to push open the door she was leani
ng against.

  She stumbled forward and nearly crashed onto the sidewalk.

  A neighbor stepped out of the building and studied her with a furrowed brow. “I’m sorry. I didn’t see you there. Are you all right?”

  “I have no idea.” Ignoring the strange look he gave her, she squeezed past him and trudged to the elevator.

  CHAPTER 20

  When Laleh rang the bell, Jill opened the door immediately and studied her across the threshold. Then, without saying a word, she reached for her hand and pulled her into the kitchen, where they were alone.

  Well, alone except for Jill’s best friend, Grace, and her partner, who were kissing next to the open refrigerator, the bottle of water Grace must have taken out forgotten in her hand.

  Jill walked over and nudged the refrigerator door closed. “Hey, guys. I hate to break up this kiss fest, but could you give us a minute?”

  Grace might have been a seasoned actress who had shot love scenes in front of entire film crews, but being caught kissing her girlfriend made her blush. She looked from Jill to Laleh before nodding and dragging Lauren to the living room.

  “Jeez, what is it with your kitchen?” Laleh blurted out. “Or are kitchens in general a make-out spot for lesbians?”

  “It’s not the kitchen; it’s the woman. When I’m in here, cooking, and Crash comes up from behind, wraps her arms around me, and peers over my shoulder to see what I’m making… Her breath brushes my ear, and the way she smells makes me forget about dinner.”

  Laleh imagined that very scene, but in her mind’s eye, she was standing at the stove and it was Hope who wrapped her arms around her from behind. The thought sent a wave of heat through her body.

  Jill shivered visibly and fanned herself with both hands. Her unfocused gaze slowly zeroed in on Laleh. “Guess you wouldn’t understand that appeal.”

  “You have no idea,” Laleh mumbled.

  Jill’s forehead crinkled. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  Biting her lip, Laleh said nothing. How could she tell her friend that she actually did understand the appeal of women…or rather, one woman?