Throughout the rest of the trip, she continued to daydream about their destination. For even if nothing transpired between her and Benjamin that night, well the fantasies were still nice. At the moment, it was also likely the only way she would ever touch him again - in her mind.
The garden's pathways, she remembered, were noted for their darkness. Julia herself had never seen them, but she had heard stories. Some rather detailed, in fact. Perhaps Benjamin would take a walk with her, away from the prying eyes of the ton, and continue what they had only just begun the night of the opera. She wanted to ask if he would be willing, but of course, she could not. It would not be proper, and certainly not with her brother, grump that he was, seated next to her. Given the mood he was in, she was certain he would probably detach someone's head from their shoulders, maybe even hers, thus ruining the evening.
When they finally reached their destination, Nicholas vaulted out of the coach and stalked away, leaving Benjamin and Julia alone. She opened her mouth to speak, but his finger to her lips kept her silent. Together, they strolled through the entrance and toward one of the supper boxes. She fought her natural inclination to stare at the wonders around her, and instead concentrated on the people they passed as they walked the lighted pathways, each face peering at her closely, often with a mix of horror and pity in their gaze.
Still, she did manage to take in the entire spectacle before her. The gardens were lush, and the lamps that hung delicately from the trees reminded her of a painting she'd seen once of a fairy's garden. Here the wealthy mixed with the lower classes, at least to some degree, and she was surprised to find that those dressed in shabbier attire did not stare at her the way the upper class did. It was a curious thing, but she forced her mind away from that and onto the sound of music floating on the air around her.
If she believed in love and romance, this place would be the perfect setting for a declaration of marriage, she decided as she walked beside Benjamin, conscious of her hand where it rested lightly on his arm. There was nothing to compare to this in all the world, she was certain.
As if the duke could read her mind, she glanced up to see him smiling down at her, not an easy thing to do considering her height. Then again, he was still taller than she, so that was all that mattered, she supposed. "Do you like it?"
"It is magnificent." If there was a little bit of breathiness to her voice, so be it. She truly was enchanted and overwhelmed. "I cannot imagine a lovelier place."
"There are, you know." He glanced around, as if attempting to see the gardens through her eyes. "There are places that are more exotic, more breathtaking. But I do agree that there is something special about this place."
"I cannot imagine them." For truly, she could not. Until she'd come to London, nearly her entire life had been in Sussex. Even with the vast array of books in the library at Seldon Park, she could not imagine much beyond England's shores.
He squeezed her hand lightly, as if somehow sensing her longing to see more of the world beyond. "I have been to some of them, you know. Mostly during my tour of the Continent. There is a great, wide world out there, Julia. The deserts and pyramids in Egypt. The Swiss Alps. The ruins of ancient Greece. All wondrous and beautiful in their own right."
"There are times when I wish I could see them as well. Though that would require me being a man, I suppose." She hadn't mean to speak that thought aloud, but once she had, Julia found she had no desire to take it back. While she wasn't about to unveil all of the secrets of her heart to Benjamin, she felt that one or two might not be such a bad thing. Perhaps then, he might understand her a little better, see that she was not the child she once was. Maybe even kiss her again. Then, she mumbled under her breath, "not that anyone would see me differently if I were."
Perhaps, she thought, if she could goad him into anger, then he would at least talk to her about something other than the weather, which had been his preferred topic of conversation for much of the evening thus far.
Benjamin led her to a supper box and seemed as if he wanted to enter, which made sense, as she was certain he'd made all of the appropriate arrangements for the evening. Instead, however, they continued walking, past the boxes and onto one of the more dimly lit pathways. Beyond that lay the darkness. She should be afraid, if for her reputation, if nothing else. But hang it all, she was tired of being worried about her reputation. In three weeks, it would not matter anyway. She would be gone, and, along with that, her only chance of having the kind of experiences she had always dreamed of. That included time with the duke.
So when he led her onto one of the darkened, shadowy pathways, she followed him, hand on his arm, never once hesitating. This was progress, and, while she could not and would not want to undo the kiss, perhaps he was making at least some attempt to regain the easy way that had been between them for so long.
When they finally stopped walking, Julia discovered that the music that had seemed so loud before was very faint now, as if coming from a great distance, carried by the wind. It was also quite dark, the last of the dim lanterns still close enough to cast the occasional shadow, but far enough away that no one would see them together in the darkness.
"Do you really think I do not see you as female?" he asked finally, confusion clear on his face. "After what took place between us, do you think I do not know?"
She clutched her reticule tightly, uncertain what he wanted from her. This was all so new that she did not quite know how to respond. "I do not know, my lord, as you have not spoken of it since. I rather thought you might regret it."
"Regret it?" He made a strangled sound, rather as if he was in pain. "Good God, Julia, do you have any idea how much I do not regret it?"
"No, Benjamin, I do not." She allowed herself to grow angry now, as well. "In fact, since you have barely spoken to me in several days, I rather thought you were ashamed of that kiss. And of me!"
She was shocked when he reached out and grabbed her wrist, pulling her hard against him. She could feel the rise and fall of his chest, the heat radiating from his body through his evening clothes. More than that, she could feel his desire pressing against her thigh, further proof that he, in fact, did not regret the kiss. In fact, he was aroused by it. And by her, much to her surprise.
"Ben?" She used his nickname, the very name she had not called him since she was old enough to pronounce his proper name. But she used it now to let him know, in some small way, that she was still, at heart, the girl he remembered. There was hesitation in her voice because she knew they were on the verge of a dangerous precipice. The kiss they could recover from, but this? Probably not. In all the time she'd longed for Benjamin to see her as a woman, it had never occurred to her that he already did.
"Jules." In the darkness, she could see the faint spark of light in his eyes reflected from the moon, which had finally peeked out from the clouds overhead. "I could not allow myself to want you, even though I did. Desperately. You were my friend. Nicholas' sister. So I pretended that I did not want. That I did not desire. But it was a lie. I did." His chest rose as he swallowed hard. "I understand if you hate me for the kiss, but I cannot regret it. I would take more from you if I could, but you are a lady, and I would never ask it of you."
"What if I were to give it freely?" It was a bold, brazen thing to say, but cloaked in the darkness, Julia felt brave and, to be honest, just a little womanly, especially when she felt Benjamin's cock pressing into her. "If not you, then who, Ben? Who would have me?"
He reached up and stroked his thumb over her scars. "Someone. There is someone for you, Jules. I told you that already. But it cannot be me. You know that, as well." He could never marry her with the secret still between them. It would not be fair or right. But if it were not there? If things were different? He would have her halfway to Gretna Green before the sun rose. He wanted her that much. He always had.
"I know." Truly she did not know why. She never had. Other than the scars. Yet he said over and over that they did not matter to him. So if not
those, then what? Then again, he did want her. Could she at least have a little taste of the passion she knew they could share? It would not be enough, but unless she shared it with the duke now, she was honest enough with herself to know that there would never be another man who would want her. "But I do not care. I know what I want. I know who I want. I will take whatever you are willing to give me for however short a time that is."
"What?" It was Benjamin's turn to be confused. Was she truly offering what he thought she was? "You cannot be serious, Jules. An affair?"
She traced his lips with her fingertips, feeling the heat of his breath on her skin. "An affair. I know you will not marry me, that you see it as something you can never do. Nor would I expect it. And while I do not agree with you, I also know that if I do not taste passion from you, then I will never taste it at all." She pressed a single finger to his lips when he moved to speak. "They are pretty words, Ben, but both of us are realists. We both know that no other man will have me, or, if they do, they will want my fortune or the other things we have already discussed. But they will not want me. They will not see me. You do."
"Are you certain of this?" His body ached with the thought of finally having her. "Once done, it cannot be undone." He had denied thinking of the possibility for so long that now that he had, it was all he could think about. Her soft skin. Her lush breasts. All his. The only one to ever touch her.
"I am." There was a certainty in her voice that he had not heard before. "I want passion, Ben, at least a taste. And I want it with you." She placed her hand on his chest, feeling his heart beat hard and strong beneath his skin. "I will not fall in love with you, and I know better than to expect pretty promises that you cannot keep. I will take what you give, so long as when you are with me, there are no others."
As if he would be that much of a cad. "No others, Jules. I promise. And when the season ends? What then?" The logical part of his mind screamed that this was madness, that he was reckless and playing with fire for even considering it. Julia was an innocent. She had grown up in Sussex. She had been sheltered her entire life. She did not know the way of things. Then again, Nicholas was her brother, and he was certain she had learned a great deal from him as well, intentional or not.
She looked up at him with seduction in her eyes. "Then I will return to Seldon Park. I will ask nothing more." She bit her lip, knew that he was wavering. "Please, Ben. In all the time we have known each other, I have asked for nothing but this. I need someone who sees me, all of me, for what I am." Then she paused. "You know about the other scars, as well. Another man would not. They might not... That is to say that should they see, they might change their minds. Or worse."
Finally, Benjamin saw the true heart of her request. She was afraid that if she were naked in front of another man, there would be no way to hide the scars. True enough, but then he glimpsed the fear in her eyes, and he saw the rest. She was afraid the man would use that information to win the bet in the book at White's. He would not care for her, so he would betray her deepest secrets. She knew Benjamin would never do such a thing.
"If you are certain," he finally said and was surprised when she let out a breath. Surely she knew there was no way he could truly refuse her, "then we shall." He looked around. "But not here. Not in this place. When it happens, when we are ready, we shall know."
"Like in the coach the other night." She dug her fingers into his arms, as if she was already anticipating removing his frock coat.
Nodding, he brought his forehead to rest against her. "Like in the coach. I did not want to stop, Jules. I wanted you, but I was afraid to press for more."
"I would have granted you anything." If she wanted Benjamin, she was going to be honest in her desires. This would not work otherwise.
"I know that now." There was laughter in his voice, and he ran his thumb along her scars again. "Julia, I will not do this by halves only. If I am going to take you to bed, then I will seduce you to get you there. The courting that was for the public only? From now on, it shall be real. Every kiss, every touch, every caress will be from my heart. Then, when you are finally beneath me, ready for me to enter you, you will know that it is because I want you. You and no one else."
With every word that he spoke, even the scandalous ones, Julia felt her blood heat and her body respond. Her breasts tingled and the familiar throb began between her legs again. "I want that too."
"I will make you forget these." Now his thumb traced the column of her neck and under her jaw where the singular line snaked its way down her body. "And if you cannot forget, I will make you understand that they do not detract from your beauty, but rather enhance it." He rested his thumb on her collarbone for a moment before tracing its line to her shoulders and then back, where the scar snaked its way below her bodice. "And when we are done, when that first coupling is completed..."
"Yes?" She was so enflamed that, had she burst into actual flame at that moment, it would not have been unexpected. "What then?"
"Then," he sighed as he kissed her on the lips before moving lower, his mouth following the path his thumb had just traced. "Then I will take you again and again. I will teach you all about the pleasures of the flesh so that when we have finished, you will think of no man but me again." He was playing with fire, he knew, but he did not care. Now that he had Julia, soft and willing in his arms, he did not want to let her go. He would deal with the consequences of his words later. For now, he wanted her to glory in them, to understand that, for him anyway, there would never be another woman who could hold the special place in his heart that she occupied.
For while he could not marry Julia, he could not marry any other woman either. He had loved Julia since they were children, since he had committed an unspeakable act in her name. To replace her in his heart would be unthinkable. He had never dreamed that she would offer herself to him. Now that she had, he should be a better man. He should resist, or at the very lest, discourage her. But he was not strong enough. He was being offered temptation on a silver platter, and he was, after all, nothing more than a man. He could not resist reaching out and taking what was offered, even though he knew it meant the ruin of the woman he loved. And, quite possibly, him as well.
"There will never be another for me, either, Ben." Her voice was so low that he almost missed the words. "Now be a good duke and seduce me properly."
Chapter Eight
"You and Radcliffe were out late last night." Nicholas sat down to breakfast across from Julia, and she nearly jumped right out of her chair. She didn't think her brother would appreciate his best friend seducing his sister - even if she was the one who had suggested it. Still, there was no censure in his tone, merely statement of fact. That meant he did not know.
She buttered a piece of toast, thankful her hands did not shake. "The fireworks were lovely, and I have never seen anything like them." That was the truth. Nicholas did not have to know that she and Benjamin had spent so much time kissing that they'd missed quite a bit of magnificent spectacle. "The music was wonderful as well. I was quite enjoying myself and Radcliffe indulged my wish to stay. He is a gentleman that way." Well, that was partly true. She'd wanted to stay in the gardens longer, but he had insisted that they had been gone long enough and didn't want the gray-clad escort sent by Lady Berkshire to come looking for them. Or worse, Nicholas.
"You could see those things more often if you stayed in town, had another season." He was looking at her over the rim of his cup, his eyes almost pleading, and she was certain he did not know. Otherwise, he would forbid her from ever returning. "For the first time since we've come to London, you're having fun, Jules. Now, when the season is over. Please say you'll think about returning, even if it's only for the Little Season."
In her heart, she knew she could not do that. Once her seduction with Benjamin ended, she would not be able to face him again. She'd lied in the garden the night before when she'd assured him that she would be fine with a simple affair, no hearts involved. Her heart had been involved lo
ng ago, but if he had known that, he would have refused her. He would have said no, and she would be forever denied even a taste of what she had desired for so long. No, when the season ended, she would return to Seldon Park, keeping her dreams of Benjamin close to her heart, knowing those moments would never come again.
"I shall think about it," she finally acquiesced, knowing that Nicholas would not let the issue rest unless she agreed. "But I do not have to decide right at this moment about returning, do I? What I do need to think about, however, is what stores I am going to visit."
"Shopping?" Her brother lit up at those words, which was completely unexpected. "Jules, that's wonderful!"
Frowning, she picked at a bit of bacon. That was not the reaction she had anticipated. "I shall be spending money, Nick. Your money, actually. How is that wonderful, at least from your perspective?"
Rising, he placed a kiss on the top of her head. "The wardrobe we purchased for you was to last a month, Jules. Two at the most. Instead, it has lasted you nearly the entire season. If you now need to go purchase more things for your remaining few weeks in town, it means that you are finally having fun. You are having the season you should have enjoyed all these months. And that, my dear, is a wonderful thing."
Julia took a moment to study her brother. He had always been generous with her, almost to a fault, but they both knew that the family coffers were not as full as either of them would like. Yet he did not seem to begrudge her, either. Not that he ever would. He doted on her far too much.
"I'll grant you that does make a good deal of sense. Though I am still not certain I believe you when you say that you enjoy me spending your money." Then again, with Benjamin refilling the Rosemont coffers, her brother could afford to be generous. She had almost forgotten that little bit of information.
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