Cries of Penance: 5 (Chronicles of Surrender)

by Harte, Roxy

  “Listen,” I say excitedly, “I think there are more coming.”

  But as I watch the break between the mountains the first group raced through, I realize the sound isn’t coming from the canyon. It sounds like tires crunching gravel. “Inside! Inside! Hurry!”

  I hand Atso to Olympia and grab the dresser drawer. We hurry inside and I lock the doors. I push closed the heavy wood shutters and lock them from the inside before getting everyone locked in the bedroom.

  Shaking, I pull the biggest gun from the closet I stashed it in. I don’t know what it’s called but it’s some kind of automatic rifle and I find that knowing it fires a lot of rounds quickly is a comfort. I will shoot first and ask questions later.

  A horn honks in a very distinctive pattern. Honk. Honk-honk. Honk. Honk-honk-honk.

  Eyes wide, Hektor exclaims, “It’s Papa!” and races out of the bedroom before I can stop him.

  Stopping Olympia, I order, “Stay with the babies!” and chase after Hektor but he is already outside. I make myself slow down and ease through the courtyard with my back against the wall. It would be ridiculous for both of us to rush out willy-nilly. I edge out into the yard. It’s rocky and full of sharp, weedy stubble, which is painful to my bare feet. I aim the rifle as I come around the corner.

  “It’s me! Sophia! You’re safe now!”

  It takes a minute to register that it’s Thomas. I’m not accustomed to seeing him with short hair. It doesn’t help that he has on a ball cap and a dark, heavy stubble hides much of his face. He walks slowly toward me.

  “Lower the rifle. It’s me.”

  I lower the weapon and he takes it quickly before pulling me into his arms.

  “It’s you, it’s really you!”

  Garrett comes around the side of the house, carrying Hektor. Tears steak down the boy’s face and Garrett is looking intently at the bottom of his foot. Glancing toward me, he explains, “Thorn.”

  Smiling, I want to rush to him as well but I can’t make myself let go of Thomas. I’m overwhelmed and start sobbing. They’re finally here.

  Thomas picks me up and carries me toward the house. “The twins?”

  I press my hands against the loose flow of the caftan I’m wearing. “They were born yesterday.”

  Garrett catches up and hears the conversation as we all enter the house. Thomas lowers me onto the sofa, kneeling as he lays me down. His eyes are full of concern as he asks, “Are you okay?”

  It surprises me that he asks about my well-being instead of theirs. “We’re all fine.”

  He lays his head against my chest, holding me close. “I wish I’d have been able to get here sooner. I’m so sorry.”

  Garrett sits in wooden rocker, looking pale, the thorn forgotten. Hektor stands on one foot. Hopping to the sofa, he climbs up and pushes his foot into my lap. “Auntie Ce?”

  Thomas starts to reprimand him, but I stop him. “It’s fine. Let me see your foot.”

  “Why are you out of the hospital?” Garrett demands. “They should have kept you two days at least.”

  “Got it!” I work the thorn free of Hektor’s foot as the excited boy tells the story. “Auntie Ce had the babies in the bathtub. Did you know newborns can hold their breath underwater? They can swim!”

  Olympia peeks out of the bedroom. “Can we come out now?”

  “Oh God! Yes, sweetheart! Come, come,” I call to her.

  She holds Nikkos’ and Atso’s hands and, seeing her father, beams. “I knew you’d come home!”

  He rushes to them, hoisting up all three of them at the same time. Olympia and Nikkos giggle but Atso leans out of his arms, reaching for me. “Ommy, Ommy, Ommy.”

  I bite my lip as Thomas meets my gaze. “I’m sorry. I haven’t encouraged it.”

  He walks forward and puts down Olympia and Nikkos. He seems robotic as he carries Atso to me, and I realize suddenly that Latisha isn’t with them.

  I take the little girl and she clings to me.

  “It is good she has bonded with you,” he tells me. He turns to his other children. “Let’s take a walk.”

  “Shoes!” I say and all three children hurry to get their shoes on. Meeting Thomas’ gaze, I don’t have the heart to ask. The truth is written all over his face. I start to cry, I can’t help it. “I’m sorry, Thomas.”

  He nods, lifting Nikkos into his arms and taking Olympia’s hand before leading his children outside. Looking very solemn, Hektor glances over his shoulder at me and I try to force a smile through my tears. “It’s okay, go with your father.”

  He nods, reaching out his arms for Atso. She shakes her head, holding on tight.

  “The horses might come back,” Hektor whispers.

  With the promise of potentially seeing the mustangs, Atso goes to him and he takes her outside.

  Alone, I ask Garrett, “Do you know what happened?”

  “Not the details. Just that it was horrible.” He comes over and kneels by the sofa. “Tell me you didn’t really have the babies in a bathtub.”

  I shrug.

  He presses on my stomach. It is tender but not painful. “How’s your bleeding?”

  “Heavier than a period but not gushing—unless I pick up something too heavy. I’m learning my limits.”

  “No more lifting. You have us here to help you now.” Shaking his head, he sighs with relief. “Was it a long labor?”

  “A few hours. Stop worrying. If you want to do something, check out the babies. I think they’re too small.”

  Hearing my concerns, he frowns and looks around the room. “Where are they?”

  I tilt my head in the direction of the bedroom. “Far room. Tucked into a dresser drawer.”

  When he hurries to check on the twins, I race across the room to the window. I open the shutters and look outside, scanning the desert landscape for Thomas and the children. I can’t see them and realize he must have walked with them down the rise. Creeping out into the courtyard, I don’t have to walk too far before I catch sight of them sitting on the ground not far from the house. The sun is setting and it would make a beautiful photo, a father surrounded by his children, cast in a golden glow, except as I watch, Olympia falls against him sobbing.

  It seems so unfair that yesterday they were so excited, so happy following the birth of the twins, and today has to end on such sadness. I turn my back on their private moment and numbly walk back to the bedroom where I find Garrett has both babies stripped and lying in the center of the bed.

  “Are they all right?”

  “I think you’re probably correct. They’re a little small. I’d guess them at about five pounds each, but they were almost completely full-term, so their lungs were well developed. They’re pink. That tells me they’re getting plenty of oxygen. They’re not showing any signs of jaundice. All in all I think all three of you were damn lucky. Do you know how badly this could have gone?”

  I press my fingers to his lips. “Sh-h. Just kiss me, tell me you love me, tell me we can go home and get our normal life back now.”

  My heart sinks when he pulls me into his arms and says, “I can kiss you.”

  It’s a soft kiss, too gentle after our time apart, as if he fears breaking me.

  “And I do love you,” he tells me as he lifts his lips from mine.

  I seek his eyes for answers, worried he might have to leave and go back to Cincinnati, worried the danger I ran from may still be a threat in San Francisco even though Garrett and Thomas are now here to protect us.

  He sits on the edge of the bed, pulling me down to sit beside him. “We can’t go home.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “It means just that. It would be too dangerous to resume our old lives. The people Thomas works for wanted me to go into some kind of protection program, new identity, new town, new job. Say goodbye to everything, including you and Thomas. I refused.”

  “And?”

  “Now the three of us are starting over together. Actually, I guess the nine of us.”
<
br />   “Starting over?” I repeat dumbly. I know what he’s saying, my brain just can’t accept it. No more Lewd Larry’s? No more Jackie or Enrique? “God. Who are we supposed to be? What do we tell our friends?”

  “It’s just us, Ce, our friends are part of the past we don’t belong to anymore.”

  No. I can’t accept that. I won’t accept it. It’s too much. Just becoming the mother to six children overnight was insane—too much to get used to, but this—this is unthinkable.

  Baby Boy Number Two starts to cry, which wakes up Baby Boy Number One. I unfasten the front of my caftan and, lifting each baby and tucking them under my arms like footballs, I manage to get them both attached to nipples simultaneously.

  “That’s amazing.”

  “No cow jokes,” I warn.

  He holds up his hands. “Never. I’m in awe of you. You seem different.”

  * * * * *

  After dinner, prepared by Thomas, with all of the older children tucked into the bunk-bed room, Garrett, Thomas and I, along with the twins, gather outside in the courtyard. The air is cool, the breeze promising rain. I lie on the chaise, covered by a blanket thoughtfully carried out by Garrett. The babies are bundled in their sleepers, hand socks, knit caps and extra towels.

  Sitting side by side on the stone wall, my men each hold one of the babies. The sight makes me tear up. I cover my mouth trying to push back the emotion, finally able to admit to myself, if not them, that I was terrified I’d never see either of them again.

  “I’m so glad we’re all here together,” I say, and I realize I mean it. We haven’t spoken any more about not going back to San Francisco, but I’ve dwelled on it, running the gamut of emotions. I’ve settled on acceptance. Whatever is, is. As long as we are together, as long as our ménage stays strong, I don’t care where we live or what name I’m called by.

  “What are their names?” Garrett asks.

  I shrug. “Baby Boy One and Baby Boy Two. I wanted to wait until we were all together again before I named them.”

  “Seems like we have a lot of names to pick out,” Garrett replies. Looking at Thomas he asks, “What’s your alias this week?”

  “Garrett!” I admonish, thinking he was being hateful but then he rubs shoulders with Thomas and I realize they seem different too. Closer. More relaxed together than I’ve ever seen them.

  Thomas brings me the baby he’s been holding and I attach him to my nipple, even though it’s only been about two hours. Better to feed him while his brother’s sleeping than to get them both awake and worked up.

  He sits down on the ground beside me and watches his son nurse. He says softly, “I take it Garrett told you?”

  I nod. “Enough. I’ll have questions later. Right now I’m just so glad you are both here, that we’re all together. We can stay together, can’t we?”

  He and Garrett exchange a look before he answers, “Yes.”

  “Any idea where?” I ask nervously, not wanting to stay in the wilderness forever. I need some noise and the children need to make new friends. I see us all killing each other if we were forced to be holed up in this small adobe house for very long.

  “Anywhere we want that people won’t recognize us. Basically that rules out California, Ohio and Maryland for certain,” Thomas answers.

  “Probably Washington and Oregon as well. I’ve taught a lot of D/s classes in Seattle and Portland.”

  I detach the baby, feeling a little frustrated. It’s all starting to sink in. “What about Lewd Larry’s? What about The Darkness?”

  Thomas takes the baby and tucks him into the dresser drawer. Another glance passes between him and Garrett and I have to admit, I’m starting to feel a little left out.

  Garrett carries the other baby over and tucks him in beside his brother. “I’m going to take them inside. It seems a little chilly out here to me.”

  Subtle, real subtle.

  Thomas takes my hands. “Garrett’s had longer to get used to this than you have. I’ve already apologized to him—repeatedly—for fucking up his life. I just realized that you haven’t had a chance to even process this. Everything has just happened.”

  “I blew up your house,” I admit suddenly. “I’m sorry.”

  “I’m glad you blew up my house. That’s how I knew where to look for you.”

  I hug him close. “I like our old life, even though it was going to have to change, because of the twins and the children. I don’t want to think it, but maybe this is for the best. We all have to redefine our relationships now.”

  “Meaning not just you?”

  “That sounded mean and bitter. I didn’t mean anything by it, but let’s face it, if we went back to San Francisco and our normal, Garrett would be putting in fourteen-hour days at Lewd Larry’s, you would still be off trying to save the world, and I would be—”

  “Stuck at home with six kids?”

  “No! That isn’t what I was going to say at all. I love your children! What I was going to say, before you interrupted—”

  “Sorry.”

  “Was that if none of this had happened, I’d have a housekeeper, two nannies and Enrique to make sure my life didn’t change either. I’d be trying to divide my days and nights between The Oasis and The Darkness. I wouldn’t have gotten a chance to bond with any of the children.” I start to cry, hormones making me much too emotional. “I like nursing my babies, and rocking Atso and Nikkos to sleep. I like discovering something different about Olympia and Hektor every day. I never thought I’d say it, but I like being a mommy, I don’t think I need a nanny. That doesn’t mean that I want to stop being Kitten completely, or that help with the housework wouldn’t be appreciated, it just means that I want to find a balance and none of us had balanced lives in San Francisco.”

  “I did.”

  “That’s because you’re Superman, you have all those crazy special powers and you don’t require sleep.”

  “So not true.” He tickles me, making me laugh. “I need sleep.”

  I sigh heavily, snuggling against him.

  “What’s bothering you most?”

  “Explaining us—three adults and six kids under one roof. We’re gonna need a damn good cover story.”

  “It’ll be easier than you think.”

  I push my nose into his chest, smelling him, and need rolls through me. “I wish I wasn’t sore, I want you so bad.”

  “Did you tear?”

  “I don’t think so, just cramps, lots of blood.”

  “You like pain, and blood isn’t going to scare me.” Thomas pushes open the front of my robe and lowers his mouth to my breast. “Besides, I want a share of my sons’ bounty.”

  As his mouth closes over my nipple, I bite my lip and stare up at the stars. God is watching. “Doesn’t this just seem obscenely wrong to you?”

  He shakes his head, tugging my flesh with the movement.

  I want him. Now. I arch my back, pressing my breasts up. He sucks on my nipples, drawing hard. Heat and a tingling sensation flush down my breasts. Milk starts to flow freely from the breast he isn’t sucking on. “Oh! Fuck.”

  “Relax.” He keeps pulling, sucking on my nipple, and the gown on the other side soaks through. Pushing my breasts together, he sucks both nipples at the same time. My uterus starts to cramp, but it cramps in waves along with the sucking, and isn’t a bad thing at all. It feels amazingly good. It happened earlier, when I was nursing the twins, but I couldn’t admit I felt horny as a result of feeding my babies. That seemed so wrong. This doesn’t seem any more right.

  Thomas rises up and kisses me, filling my mouth with warm milk. I swallow, feeling disgusted and turned-on and confused all at the same time. “Thomas!”

  “Everything you’re feeling is natural. Enjoy this. This is what it feels like to be a sensual woman. This is what it feels like to be a mother.”

  “Holy crap.”

  “Women should share these secrets. Pregnancy and childbirth and nursing are all wondrously erotic parts of being
female. Don’t fight the arousal flowing through your veins, embrace it.”

  I kiss him, sliding my tongue into his mouth, tasting my milk. My pussy tightens with need.

  He tugs down the blanket and pushes up my caftan to massage my bare thighs. I’m wearing underwear and one of Atso’s diapers to catch my flow since I didn’t come prepared with any feminine products. So not sexy. I’m embarrassed. “Don’t look.”

  “You’re joking, right?”

  He slides his hands up my thighs and over my pelvis, pushing down on my tender uterus. I cry out, I can’t help it. “You like that? You like that pain?”

  “Yes, fuck yes.”

  “We can’t have sex, not for several weeks. Risk of infection is too high, but we can play a little.”

  I push my pelvis up against his palms. “God, I want you.”

  “Sh-h, relax. Let’s go inside, get you comfortable. Anything we do is going to be messy.”

  Thomas carries me inside. It’s barely lighter in than out. A single kerosene lamp burns in the corner. We find Garrett stretched out on the couch. I blush, realizing the door and all the windows are open. I’m sure he’s heard every word. I hold out my hand as Thomas carries me past the couch to the bedroom. Our fingertips barely contact but it seems electricity passes between us in that soft touch. Shaking his head, he stands up.

  As Thomas lays me down on the bed and starts undressing, I hear Garrett locking up the house before following us down the hallway.

  Once inside the bedroom, Garrett closes the door. He brought the lamp with him and I see that the babies are already here, tucked into the drawer on top of a low table. Seeing them is like a cold shower. What was I thinking?

  Garrett echoes my thought. “I don’t know what you’re thinking, but it will be weeks before you can safely have intercourse.”

  Thomas rolls his eyes. “You think I’m going to fuck her the day after giving birth? I might be a sadist, but I’m not an idiot.”