by Elana Brooks
He heaved a deep sigh and stretched. “I guess we should be getting back pretty soon, though. Don’t want the guardians to have to come find us again.” He winked at her and concentrated for a moment. His clothes appeared back on his body. “Another good thing about astral sex. Easy clean-up.”
She had no choice but to go along. A moment’s thought and the wet, sticky feeling between her legs went away and her clothing once again encased her. She drifted over to stand next to Adrian and look with him at the crescent Earth shining huge over a range of white hills.
“Let’s go home,” he said.
Again she could only nod. Together they rose into space, following their tethers back to their bodies.
When the disorientation of rejoining her physical form faded and Beverly sat up, she found one of the guardians talking to Adrian. The man concluded his business with a nod and came over to her. “A message for you, Ms. Jones, from Mr. Mandelsky.” He pressed a folded piece of paper into her hand.
“Thanks.” The guardian went away. Beverly unfolded the paper and read the message, written in small, neat handwriting. Beverly. Please come to a meeting in the main conference room tomorrow morning at 8 a.m. Thank you. Solomon
She folded it again and stuck it in her pocket. Then she went over to Adrian, feeling stiff and awkward. He’d warned her this would happen. Already their magical time together felt distant, surreal. A dream of lovemaking, not the real thing.
The light in Adrian’s eyes was real, though. He took her hands. “Five forty-five. We timed it just right.”
“Yeah.”
“What do you want to do tonight?” He watched her carefully, his voice and expression neutral.
She wanted desperately to go home with him and repeat that incredible experience, in the flesh this time. But she didn’t dare. It would make it even harder to do what she had to do.
She’d pretended to be convinced this morning because she knew he wouldn’t quit trying to persuade her until she gave in. It had taken a massive effort of will to conceal the truth, but even with the soul bond she was still psychically stronger, so she’d been able to wall off her grief and pain where he couldn’t perceive it. Apparently her happy, playful act had been convincing enough to fool him.
She’d needed to give him this afternoon. Partly because she wanted him to have every bit of strength a fully realized soul bond could give him when he faced the Seraphim. But mostly because she couldn’t bear to leave without being with him at least once.
No matter what Adrian said about the Covenant’s plans, she couldn’t believe him. They were going to lose. It wouldn’t do anyone any good for her to stay and throw her life away with the rest of them. She was a survivor.
After the first shock, she hadn’t been surprised that she couldn’t persuade Adrian to go with her. His commitment to the Covenant of the Rainbow was part of who he was. It was part of what she loved about him.
She did love him. She always would. Today had confirmed that.
But even for him she couldn’t face the Seraphim again.
She couldn’t face Commander Sarthex again. He knew who she really was, better than Adrian, better than anyone. An ugly, ill-trained, self-loathing, selfish weakling.
And you could always trust people to act like themselves.
She couldn’t quite meet Adrian’s eyes. “I think—I’d like to have a quiet evening alone. Go to bed early.” She gestured vaguely at the note he still held. “We ought to make sure we’re well rested for the meeting tomorrow.”
“Yeah.” He was disappointed, but he hid it well. “Um… Goodnight, then. See you in the morning.”
“See you.”
He would have let her go without another word, without a touch, but suddenly she couldn’t bear to leave him that way. She threw herself at him and flung her arms around him. He hugged her back hard, surprised and happy.
She raised her face. When he lowered his mouth to hers, she threw her whole heart and soul into it, transforming the gentle peck he’d started with into something deep, wild, passionate.
When she finally broke away, he regarded her with bemusement. “I’m not complaining, but what was that about?”
“I love you, Adrian,” she said, staring hard into his eyes and cracking open the thick shield around her emotions just enough to let him feel the truth of her words. “I love you.”
The joy that broke over his face rent her heart. “I love you, too, Beverly.”
She couldn’t bear to hold his gaze any longer. Her eyes fell. “Goodbye.”
She whirled away, dragged herself out of his arms, and rushed for the elevator. He stood still, even when she had to wait several long seconds for the doors to open, watching her go.
She ran most of the way back to her apartment, pushing cursing pedestrians out of her way, bitterly aware of the irony that prior to her time with the Covenant she would have dropped to a walk, exhausted, before she’d made it a block. Now even the five flights of stairs only winded her slightly.
She got on her computer, pulled up a travel website, and booked a six a.m. flight to Denver out of LaGuardia. Then she started throwing clothes and toiletries into her suitcase. It took less than an hour to empty the apartment of most traces of her month there. A month that had changed her so profoundly, yet left her essentially the same.
She rummaged in the refrigerator. Nothing looked good, but she had to eat. Anything she didn’t finish she’d have to throw in a garbage bag and leave at the curb.
She used the end of a package of lunchmeat, some cheese, and the last tomato to make a ham sandwich. There was still a quarter of the loaf of bread left. She hated to waste it.
She munched the remaining slices, then went looking for more to stuff into her mouth. Baby carrots, a couple of apples. The rest of the cheese. A box of whole wheat crackers from the cabinet.
She still felt hollow. She’d been careful lately while shopping to avoid things that could become temptations, but she’d indulged in a half-gallon of ice cream once, thinking she’d share it with Adrian some evening. No need to get a bowl dirty. She took the container to the table and spooned up mouthfuls methodically. Even the rich chocolate tasted bland, but she kept shoveling it in.
Enough, she told herself when the carton went into the trash. Her stomach had that lovely stretched feeling that could so quickly turn into discomfort. She flopped on the sofa and flipped on the TV. But her efforts to focus on a show were only half-hearted. Her thoughts kept going back to the kitchen.
With a feeling of inevitability, she returned. Anything would do now. Half a box of breakfast cereal. A week-old leftover chicken leg. A can of kidney beans, another of corn. A jar of spaghetti sauce. A bag of stale croutons.
The pain in her stomach grew until it almost drowned out the pain in her heart. She threw herself on the bed and let the suffering wash over her.
God, she was such a slimeball. Abandoning the only decent guy she’d ever been with. Running out on the people who’d done so much for her, who were depending on her. Giving in to the temptation to gorge herself. The world would be a better place if the plane tomorrow crashed and killed her sorry ass. But she wasn’t even brave enough to off herself on purpose.
Agony mounted until she could bear it no longer. She stumbled to the bathroom, shoved her fingers down her throat, and spewed all her foul misery into the toilet. She kept heaving for a long time, even after nothing was left to come up.
It didn’t help. It never helped. Nothing would ever help.
She huddled on the cold tile floor, limp and drained.
After a while she got up and rinsed out her mouth. She got her suitcase from the bedroom, dragged it out the door, and locked up. Step by plodding step she descended the stairs.
She’d take the subway to the airport, go through security, and wait at the gate until they let her get on the plane. By the time the sun came up, she’d be gone.
Chapter 25
Adrian’s phone chirped. He cast an apologet
ic look at the others gathered around the big conference table. All of the Eight were present, plus a fair number of other high-level Covenant members. He was by far the weakest one there. Or at least, he had been until recently. After yesterday… who knew?
His lips curved at the memory as he pulled out his phone. He thumbed it on and glanced at the text message from Beverly. It took a moment for the words to register.
I’m sorry it had to end this way. I hope you’re right. You know where to find me if you’re not.
He stared at the glowing display, eyes tracing the words over and over, mind stubbornly refusing to process the information.
After a while he became aware that the buzz of conversation in the room had fallen silent and everyone was looking at him. He shook his head, eyes going to the empty seat next to him. He opened his mind, searching for Beverly, but her mind was as inaccessible to him as it had been since they parted yesterday. The only thing coming down the soul bond was a blankness that meant she was tightly blocking.
Shutting him out.
Rabbi Sensei rose from his place at the head of the table and came around to stand behind him. “What’s wrong, Adrian?”
Mutely Adrian held out the phone. Rabbi Sensei scanned the message. He muttered a soft but heartfelt curse in Russian.
That set everyone buzzing again. Rabbi Sensei raised a hand. “Quiet, please. An unexpected development has occurred which will require us to modify some of our plans. But for now we can go ahead.”
He moved back to his seat as he spoke. “As you’ve probably heard by now, the Seraphim colony ship has arrived in our solar system, eight years earlier than we expected. They’ll reach Earth in approximately four months. The Eight spent yesterday mapping out a plan of action. I’ve called this meeting to brief you on that plan, answer any questions you may have, and give you your assignments.”
Grim nods answered him. The rumors had spread throughout the Covenant yesterday. Everyone knew the war had begun.
Adrian tuned out Rabbi Sensei’s voice as he began to describe their journey to the colony ship and the combat there. How the hell could Beverly just leave? He’d been so sure he’d persuaded her to stay. How had she managed to hide her intentions from him? He hadn’t had a clue.
Yesterday had been so amazing. They’d loved each other with such intense passion that his face got hot just thinking about it. If he’d ever doubted there could be more to sex than he’d experienced before, that loving your partner made all the difference, he knew better now.
Had she known, even then, what she was going to do? Had he been so caught up in the pleasure of the moment that he’d been blind to the clues that could have alerted him? Had he missed his chance to stop her?
He didn’t remember any—wait. Oh, god, he did. The way she’d kissed him, right before they parted, and told him she loved him—there had been a quality of desperation to her action and words. He hadn’t understood the reason, so he’d dismissed it as just the intensity of her feelings about what had happened. He’d been so overjoyed to hear her confess she returned his love he hadn’t even realized what she’d said.
Not goodnight. Goodbye.
Why hadn’t he insisted on going home with her, or bringing her home with him? He’d longed to snuggle next to her until morning. But he’d accepted her desire to be alone as a need for time to emotionally adjust. He’d welcomed the chance to do the same himself. As well as the time to accomplish a private errand.
His hand crept into his pocket and fingered the little velvet-covered box. The diamond wasn’t terribly big, but it was a good quality stone. He’d had to guess at the size of the band, but the jeweler had assured him it could be adjusted. He’d planned to give it to her as soon as they could snatch a few moments from the whirlwind of work Rabbi Sensei would surely have for them and go somewhere romantic. Maybe by the fountain in the meditation garden. He’d pictured himself getting down on one knee and everything.
Damn, damn, damn! Had yesterday meant nothing to her? Had he disappointed her? Had her apparent pleasure been an act? Had she lied when she told him she loved him, just spouted the words she knew he wanted to hear? Did she hate him, after all? Had she fled the unwanted bond that had ensnared her?
No, he knew that wasn’t the reason. She was afraid. Terrified. The encounter with the Seraphim had been more than she could handle. Whatever she felt for him, it wasn’t strong enough to overcome her fear.
God, how could she just abandon them like this? He wanted to grab her, shake her, yell at her until she saw reason. Didn’t she realize she might be dooming the Covenant to the very defeat she dreaded? How could she be so selfish? It would serve her right if she did end up struggling for survival in a devastated world. If it weren’t for all the innocent lives at stake, he’d relish the thought. Maybe then she’d be sorry for running away and leaving him behind.
He desperately wanted to follow her. He wasn’t sure if it was the soul bond or just his love for her, but something was pulling him with almost physical force. If he let it, it would drag him to the airport and onto a plane bound for Denver. Somewhere in the mountains, high above the flood she believed was inevitable, she would find a hiding place. He could follow the taut cord until it led him to her. It was dragging on him like a rubber band, stretching farther and farther until it approached the breaking point.
Adrian went cold all over. That was the soul bond he felt under such pressure. She’d left him. The bond was no longer drawing them together. It was being strained as they moved apart. How much could it take before it snapped?
His name broke into his thoughts and drew his attention back to what Rabbi Sensei was saying. “We assigned Adrian and Beverly to your strike team, Steve, so you’re one person short at least. Maybe two—we’ll need to speak privately after the meeting. We could reshuffle the teams, but I’d rather move you to the end of the schedule and pull in a couple more people with decent ranges. I hate not taking advantage of your range, but we’ve got enough others to keep up a good rate of attack, and before long the ship will be close enough it won’t matter.”
“I’m good with that.” Steve nodded. He studied Adrian for a moment, then looked away.
Adrian tuned out the meeting again. He’d expected to have Beverly fighting at his side. The way they’d coordinated their movements instinctively had been glorious. He’d known they would be an unstoppable team. Now he would have to face the Seraphim alone. Even if the soul bond continued to lend him strength, he would be crippled by her absence.
Beverly! He broadcast the telepathic call as hard as he could, but of course she didn’t answer. He pulled out his phone and set his thumbs flying to compose a text, but after he sent it there was no reply.
Maybe he should follow her, after all. Rabbi Sensei would release him from his vows. Maybe if he tried long enough he could persuade her to come back. Even if they came late to the fight, they could do some good.
Who was he kidding? She’d made up her mind. He’d never change it. Once Beverly decided she was going to do something, nothing and no one could stop her.
But at least they could be together. Possibly the Covenant could win without either of them. And if not, they’d be safe from the rising waters, prepared to survive the chaos that would follow the drowning of civilization.
Now who was he kidding? He could never stand idly by while his comrades fought and died without him. Even if he left his body with her and traveled astrally to join the combat, he’d resent her for refusing to take part. If Earth fell to the Seraphim, he’d always wonder if the Covenant might have triumphed with her help. He’d come to hate her, to blame her for all those deaths.
And that really would break the soul bond and destroy them both.
He forced his attention back to the meeting. It dragged on. Rabbi Sensei and others of the Eight presented masses of data. Columns of numbers: Seraphim, Covenant members, potential recruits. Diagrams: orbits, trajectories, ranges. Maps: the colony ship, the Solar System, Earth.
Earth half submerged, the continents shrunken and broken up. The Rocky Mountains a long oval island in a vast ocean.
Adrian stared at the final map in the silence that followed the presentations. No one could escape the obvious conclusion. For all the Eight’s optimistic words, the numbers were grim. That nightmarish map was their all-too-probable future.
A few subdued questions were asked and answered. Nobody had much to add. The Eight seemed to have covered every contingency and formed a plan to maximize the chance of success. But their hope was so slim. Even the smallest failure could doom them all.
Adrian wasn’t surprised when Rabbi Sensei beckoned to him after he’d dismissed the others. He waited as the quiet crowd shuffled out of the room, then went to sit beside his mentor.
For a few moments after the room emptied and the door closed, Rabbi Sensei remained silent. He put his hand on Adrian’s arm, and Adrian nodded in acknowledgement of his sympathy.
When he spoke, his voice was compassionate. “Do you want me to release you from your vows so you can go after her?”
Adrian stared straight ahead. “I can’t. I have to stay and fight. If I didn’t—I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself. And I wouldn’t be able to forgive her. So our soul bond would break anyway, and—” He shrugged.
“Can you tell what condition your bond is in now?” Rabbi Sensei asked quietly.
Adrian concentrated within. “It’s… stretched. It’s strong still, not going to break soon, I don’t think. But it’s getting worse. Sooner or later it won’t be able to hold anymore.”
Rabbi Sensei sighed. “If Beverly continues to move away from you, push you out of her heart, perhaps even turn to another—a break is inevitable.”
“I know.” Adrian’s stomach plummeted as he realized something. “But Beverly doesn’t! I mean, I told her that only death could end it, but not that it could break and kill us both. You told me not to, so she wouldn’t think I was only pursuing her for selfish reasons. And no one else explained it to her either, did they?”
