Her Silent Burden (Seeing Ranch series) (A Western Historical Romance Book)

by Florence Linnington

His pulse started again, this time hammering away at twice its normal speed.

  “Did I say anything else?”

  “No,” she said eyeing him closely.

  The chickens clucked and scratched around them, and Thea looked at Wakefield, waiting for more.

  “Are you going to answer my question?” she asked.

  Wakefield gulped. He’d tried dealing with his pain every way he could think of. Except for one. The time to come clean had arrived.

  “Let’s go inside and sit down,” he said.

  Thea looked shocked at the offer. Maybe she’d expected him to walk away, or shut down like he always did.

  “All right,” she answered, “Let’s.”

  They went into the cabin, and for a few minutes, everything seemed normal. Wakefield sat at the table and watched Thea make coffee. With its delicious scent filling the air, she poured two mugs and brought them to the table.

  Settling into the seat next to his, Thea laced her hands and set them on the table. Wakefield took a careful sip of coffee.

  “It’s extra strong,” he commented.

  “You have an extra strong case of the bottle aches.”

  Wakefield caught her eye over his mug, and the slightest hint of a smile flickered on her lips.

  Wakefield smiled back, half the tension leaving him in one fell swoop. Just committing to sitting down and talking had changed things between them.

  Wrapping his hands around the mug, Wakefield stared into his coffee and tried to arrange his thoughts. His head still pounded, but a couple sips of the brew had made things slightly clearer.

  “There are things I didn’t want to tell you,” he said. “Let’s start there.”

  Thea frowned. “All right.”

  “You know that I had a saloon in Cheyenne, and you know that I was married.”

  “And she left,” Thea said. “Right?”

  “Right.”

  Her lips twisted.

  “Haven’t you ever wondered why?” he asked.

  “You told me it was because you weren’t the man she thought you were.” Wakefield sighed. “I couldn’t be the man she needed.”

  Thea nodded. “I also thought it was something like that. I didn’t ask, though, because, well... We were already married, Wakefield. There was no courting period where we got to know each other and decide whether or not to commit. That was done. Ever since arriving here, it’s I either enjoy what was happening or try to make the best of things.”

  “Understandable.”

  “She left,” Thea confirmed. “And now you are going to tell me why?”

  Wakefield’s hands started shaking, so he held onto the coffee mug tighter. “Because of the drinking. That was the first time it got really bad. Every day, soon as I woke up, I was on the bottle. She couldn’t take it, course. No woman should have to.”

  Thea’s face softened. “No,” she agreed. “They shouldn’t.” She paused. “And did you have drinking problems before?”

  “Not like that.”

  Thea unlaced her fingers and picked up her mug, but she didn’t take a sip. Instead, she set it back down, her eyebrows pushing together.

  “What happened, Wakefield?” she asked, her voice hollow and ghostly as if she knew that what was coming next was to be feared.

  Every bad thing Wakefield had ever felt seemed to rise up in him, pushing at the roof of his mouth, wanting to get out. He swallowed hard, willing the evilness to go away. It wouldn’t, though.

  There was only one way to escape all this pain, and that was to go right through it. So that’s what he would do. He would walk through the fire. If he was lucky, Thea would be waiting for him on the other side.

  “She had a baby,” he explained. “Charles. That’s what we named him. And he died the day he was born. About six hours afterward.”

  Thea’s expression was flat, but he saw the shock in her eyes.

  “I know it doesn’t sound like the worst thing in the world,” Wakefield said. “It happens all the time.”

  “Still,” Thea murmured.

  He nodded. “Six hours, that’s all we had with him. We thought we were good to go. Then he fell asleep for a while and just didn’t wake up.”

  “This was in Cheyenne?”

  “Right.”

  “What happened next?” Thea asked, hardly seeming to breathe.

  “I, uh, I figured I was being punished, Thea. For my past crimes. Robbing stagecoaches and all. I’d gone to church and told God I was sorry for all that a hundred times over. I tried my best to live a good life, to settle down, and make money the honest way. Raise a family. But when we lost the baby, I thought God must still be angry with me.”

  Thea’s eyes shone with tears. “He’s not, Wakefield. That’s not how God’s love works.”

  Wakefield’s throat was almost too thick for talking. “I don’t think that anymore. It took me another year at least to come to that realization, though. Things happen sometimes.”

  “Sometimes things that feel or appear to be bad happen to us,” Thea said. “They make us stronger.”

  Wakefield gave a terse nod. He could agree with that, but whether or not God coordinated those events, he didn’t know.

  “I didn’t know what to do about it all,” he said. “You know, feeling as if losing the baby was my fault. So, I started drinking. I’d never been too bad with it, though I’d gone through my periods. This, though, was different. She waited around a while, to see if I would change. And when I didn’t... well, you know the story. She left.”

  Wakefield dropped back in his seat. Telling the story had sucked him of what little energy he had.

  “Eventually,” he said, “I ended up here. The saloon in Cheyenne burned down. My wife had left. My only child dead. It didn’t much seem to matter where I ended up.”

  “And yet you ended up here.”

  “With Noah. He was part of the reason I stopped drinking.” Wakefield paused. “Until, uh...”

  “Yes,” Thea encouraged softly.

  Wakefield sat absolutely still. His coffee had turned from hot to warm and no longer heated his palm.

  “I am sorry,” Thea said. “About everything. Your son. Your wife.” She shook her head so hard some hair came out of its pins.

  “Thank you, Thea.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me about this sooner?”

  “I...”

  “Because it was too hard,” she said for him. “I suppose I could have answered that myself.”

  “Right,” he exhaled.

  “Wakefield.” Thea reached across the table and took his hand. “Thank you for telling me.”

  A ball of emotion spun in his chest. “I know I should have before.”

  “But you did now, so thank you.” Withdrawing her hand, Thea bit into her bottom lip in worry. “But the question now is, what’s next?”

  Wakefield felt cold and lifeless without her touch. Running his hand across his hair, he blew out a heavy breath. “I don’t want you to leave, Thea, but I know you need a man who’ll take care of you and the baby.”

  “We need a man who will love us,” she said.

  “And I do love you.”

  “What about when the baby comes? What do you think will happen then? Will you...”

  She trailed off, and Wakefield wasn’t sure what she was suggesting.

  “Will I turn tail and run?” he asked.

  “Will you stay closed up? The way you are now? Wakefield, I...” She lowered her face, hiding her eyes. “I need you,” she whispered.

  Wakefield took both her hands in his. “I’m right here.”

  “In body. Until you drink and forget to come home.”

  The comment was a double-edged sword. Thea didn’t have his heart, and she didn’t have his physical presence.

  So what good was he?

  “I’m going to work on myself,” he said. “I promise.”

  Thea looked up, but there was no relief in her face. “You promised you wouldn’t drink again.
Wakefield, at this point, how can I believe anything you say? As much as I would love to trust everything coming out of your mouth, I would be a fool to do so.”

  “I know.”

  Her face crumpled, and she looked as if she might break down sobbing.

  “So give me time to prove myself,” Wakefield said. “How about that?”

  “I suppose there is no other choice. What other options do I have?”

  Wakefield’s stomach dropped. The conversation wasn’t ending the way he’d expected. He’d hoped Thea would welcome him back with open arms. That she would tell him they would figure everything out, and that he could take the time he needed to adjust to the baby’s arrival.

  Instead, she was standing and going back into the yard, not even bothering to look back at him.

  Chapter 33

  long way to go

  33. Thea

  Chapter thirty-three

  “Oh... my... stars.” Jenny’s jaw hung open, and her eyes were wide as two full moons.

  Thea nodded at the bucket Jenny had been pumping water into while listening to Thea’s story. Water sloshed over the side of it, and still, Jenny continued to pump, completely oblivious to anything but the details of the tale.

  “Oh!” Jenny took her hands off the pump.

  “You might want to dump some of it out. Otherwise it will be too heavy for either of us to carry.”

  Jenny tilted the bucket so some splashed onto the grass, then lifted it with both hands. It bounced against her legs a bit, sending more water over the rim.

  “Here, let me help,” Thea said, reaching for the handle, but Jenny seemed not to hear. She was walking along, shaking her head.

  “It makes so much sense now,” she said. “I should have been able to put the pieces together before.”

  “I did not,” Thea pointed out.

  Jenny pursed her lips. “Why couldn’t he tell you this story before?”

  Thea shrugged, feeling tired, even though it was not yet noon. After Wakefield’s story, she’d felt too overwhelmed to stay in the house. Ignoring his concerns about her walking around alone, she’d strode from the yard and kept going until she reached Jenny’s.

  “I suppose it was just too hard,” Thea said.

  They stopped at the small barn behind Jenny’s cabin. Thea ran her palm over the cow’s side while Jenny filled the animal’s water bucket.

  “Whew.” Setting the empty bucket down, Jenny wiped her forehead with her arm. “Of course it was hard. Life is hard.”

  Thea snorted, which surprised her. After everything that had happened in the last year, the ups and the downs, she’d almost come to believe nothing could be funny anymore.

  “I am grateful that he told me the truth,” Thea said.

  She was not lying. A new appreciation for Wakefield was beginning to fill her. She understood him better than she ever had before. And she was ready to forgive him for everything that had happened.

  “But what comes next?” Jenny asked. “That is the question, is it not?”

  Thea met her gaze. “Exactly.”

  Jenny chewed on her bottom lip. “He is in a worrisome state as it is. When the baby comes, it will either break him down the rest of the way... or it will build him up. Do you understand?”

  “Yes, I believe so. Either the new life will be too much for Wakefield to handle, or it will be what he needs to heal his heart.”

  “Exactly.”

  “I am hoping the baby’s arrival will do the latter.” Thea turned away from the barn and looked at Jenny’s cabin, where Peter and Farrow’s chattering drifted through the open back door.

  “It must have been hard for him to tell you all of that.”

  Thea looked at the grass, still slightly wet from the rain storm she had slept through. “I imagine it was. I do not think I gave him the support I should have, though.”

  “Why is that?”

  Thea’s inhale was sharp. “He told me about his baby and wife, about all the pain he has been through, and still I was thinking of myself. Not completely... but perhaps too much.”

  “Oh, Thea,” Jenny clucked. “You are human. You cannot help but think of yourself. And your happiness is important.”

  “But it is my duty to put my husband first.”

  “And isn’t it his duty to take care of you?”

  “Yes,” Thea said hesitantly, having the feeling she was walking into some kind of trap.

  “Well, there you have it. Neither one of you have been doing those things perfectly, nor should you be expected to. Every person does the best they can, and that’s just life.”

  Thea nodded. “I suppose I should have a bit more faith in him... even if he doesn’t have it in himself.”

  The corners of Jenny’s lips twitched upward. “That might be exactly what he needs. Someone to believe in him. To have the faith that he doesn’t.”

  Thea’s heart fluttered, and a brief excitement filled her.

  “You know I’m talking about you, right?” Jenny asked.

  Thea laughed and poked Jenny in the side. “Yes, I know! Goodness, you’re cheeky.”

  Jenny’s cheeks puffed as she exhaled. “There’s nothing else to do out here.”

  “What do I say, Jenny? How do I let him know that I believe in him? That I know he can push through this?”

  Jenny put her hands on her hips and took her time answering. “It’s not necessarily in the words, is it? You can use words, but it’s more a state of being. If you have faith and peace in your heart, others can’t help but be affected by it.”

  “You’re quite sagely, you know.”

  “Stop.” Jenny blushed. “I am being serious.”

  “I know, and thank you.”

  “I’m going to make Wakefield a nice supper tonight,” Thea decided. “To show him how much I value him.”

  Excitement bloomed in her chest for the first time in many weeks. Somehow, she already knew this would be a good idea. Perhaps, truly, all Wakefield needed was a little bit more love and acceptance. What if just a touch of that was all that was needed to transform their relationship?

  “Look at you,” Jenny said. “Smiling away.”

  Thea self-consciously pressed her fingers to her lips. “I need to get to your husband’s store.”

  “What for?”

  “Powdered sugar for tonight’s pound cake.”

  Jenny’s eyes lit up. “You’ll need strawberries. And cream.”

  “Oh, Jenny, no, I...”

  “Stop.” Jenny laid her hand on Thea’s shoulder. “This is a special night. Let me help. Plus, we are getting more than enough milk.”

  “All right,” Thea said. “Thank you.”

  After Jenny had sealed the cream and freshly-picked strawberries up tight in mason jars, plus loaned Thea a basket to carry them home in, Thea set off down the road.

  One conversation with Jenny had worked a miracle. Thea’s heart felt lighter than it had when she walked up the mountain.

  Now, passing her own cabin, she continued down into town. As per usual, the place looked close to ghostly, with most of Whiteridge’s inhabitants currently working at the mine.

  Casting a look in the direction of Outpost, Thea started toward the general store, but the sound of Wakefield’s voice made her halt.

  The saloon’s front door was wide open, and Thea shuffled toward it from an angle. A second voice joined Wakefield’s, and though Thea could not make out their exact words, she knew the visitor to be Mr. Vang.

  With that familiar needling sensation that always hit her skin when Mr. Vang was around creeping across her neck, Thea lifted her skirt and stepped closer to the side of the saloon’s porch.

  “...when all is said... I’m sure...”

  Thea cocked her head, trying to make out more of what Mr. Vang was saying. She couldn’t get any full sentences, though, and felt bad about eavesdropping.

  Slipping away from the saloon, she crossed the street and headed into the general store. If Wakefield
saw her, he didn’t come out and make it known. Likely, he assumed she was furious with him.

  Taking the powdered sugar from Mr. Mullins, Thea went back outside and found Wakefield and Mr. Vang on the saloon’s front porch. As she stood there watching, Mr. Vang lifted his hat and walked off.