The Reason

by Jen Andrews

  Holy hell, I wanted him to yank my clothes off right there!

  When he finally broke our heated kiss, he pressed his forehead against mine, but didn’t move his body away. We remained attached to one another with our eyes closed, breathing hard and letting our heart rates drop back to normal. His erection pressed against me, and my conscience screamed at me to leave before I changed my mind.

  I needed to listen to it.

  Without breaking our contact, I reached up and took his face in my hands. I rubbed my thumbs back and forth lightly over his stubbly jaw.

  “I need to go,” I said quietly and kissed him gently on the lips. He kissed me back, but didn’t move.

  “Please,” I begged, because I needed him to go. After another silent minute, he pulled back and opened his eyes to look at me.

  He knotted his fingers in my hair again. “Okay…I already miss you, though,” he whispered as he lightly brushed his soft lips across mine. He pushed off my car, turned, and went back up the stairs and into his apartment. He never looked back.

  For several minutes, I sat on the trunk of my car, completely paralyzed. One part of me was trying to comprehend what the fuck had just happened, and the other part of me was wondering if I should be chasing him up the stairs to rip off his clothes.

  Yep, I needed to get the hell out of there. Quick.

  While I sat in my car letting it warm up, I sent him a text.

  Thank you for the text last night. I listened to the song several times. I get it, and I hear you loud and clear. I’m sorry for everything.

  Before he could respond, I shut off my phone and put it in the glove box.

  For two weeks, I’d been staying with my mom and dad. I skipped out on work and I started seeing my former therapist. When I left my apartment the day after my birthday, I drove around aimlessly to clear my head, and then made my way to the only place where I knew I would feel secure.

  I felt a little silly, running home to mommy and daddy, because I had purposely pushed them away. However, I needed to be in the place where I had finally found comfort, safety, and learned how to love and trust all those years ago.

  I desperately needed to get my comfort, safety, and trust back. Love was the only thing I had left, and I couldn’t lose that too.

  When I showed up on their doorstep that afternoon two weeks earlier, they welcomed me in with open arms and minds, as I knew they would. I told them what I needed and how I was ready to get my life back on track. We talked about the way I was feeling about myself, about Andy, and about what had been going on with Rob.

  They knew most of it already, but after the tire incident, and the fact that Rob had gone onto our property to vandalize my car, they were furious.

  My dad went to the shop the same day and reviewed all of the security videos. He told me he watched Andy go outside, get in his truck, and leave first thing in the morning. Shortly after that, he saw someone in a black hoody slash my tires and throw the roses all over my car.

  Unfortunately, the person’s face was never visible, so we knew there was nothing the cops could do about it. My dad fast-forwarded through the video, and a couple hours after Rob had left, Andy came back home with a truckload of bags from shopping.

  My dad found nothing else on the video, until right after eleven, when it showed me going out to find my car trashed.

  I am sure it showed my kiss with Andy, but if it did, my dad did not mention it. Thank God. However, he did give me kudos for changing my tires all by myself.

  The entire first weekend, I sat at my parents’ house in my old bedroom, going through my old daily journals, thinking, and listening to music. I called my employees to let them know I would be out until after the New Year and made them promise that if they needed me, they would call me.

  The Monday morning after my birthday, I called my former therapist, Dr. Jensen. I made appointments with her for every day she could fit me in through the end of the year, just to begin with. I knew I would continue to see her until I went to Cabo, but that would be a good start. I had health insurance that paid for therapy, so I was going to take advantage of it.

  I also felt like a complete idiot because I’d let my life get so out of control that I needed therapy to put it back together.

  Dr. Jensen and I discussed, in depth, everything that had happened in my life since I saw her last, which was back in high school. We worked specifically on my guilt over everything Rob did when he sued my father and me. Even though my family tried to tell me it wasn’t my fault, I always believed it was.

  After my miscarriage, I decided to leave Rob and filed for divorce, but he continued to work at the shop. With the way the laws were, legally, my dad couldn’t fire him. The situation was very uncomfortable for everyone involved, but eventually, he quit on his own.

  Within two years, I had a miscarriage, divorce, opened a new business, and purchased two apartments. All of this while continuing my job at the shop. I had completely overwhelmed myself.

  My life for those two years was like a bad drama movie. I hadn’t dealt with it at the time, which in turn, shut me down mentally. Dr. Jensen and I decided I had too many ups and downs all at once. It was like a yo-yo, and similar to me moving between foster homes when I was younger.

  It was too unstable for a person like me.

  We went back to the way we worked years ago, during my original therapy. We concentrated on me not putting blame on myself for other people’s actions, like I had with my birth mom. We worked on me not comparing one situation to another; as in, Andy and Rob were nothing alike. Dr. Jensen said the exact same thing my dad did when I spoke to him about Andy.

  She also reminded me that Andy had lost so much in his life too. In all actuality, he was a lot like me.

  My birth mom abandoned me willingly for drugs and men. Andy lost his family, tragically. We were both orphans. He had his aunt and uncle, I eventually had the James family. These people took us in with no expectations, and they loved us unconditionally.

  Dr. Jensen helped me to believe I needed to treat everything I’d been through in the last few years as learning experiences. The quickest way I was going to get over my issues, was going to be to get out and do things with my friends and family. I needed to let everyone back in, and I needed to talk to them about what I was bottling up inside of me.

  If I was going to get anything accomplished, I needed to go cold turkey with the way I was behaving.

  While I was at my parents’ house, I continued meeting Jess and Sasha for our dance class, and we made a few plans for our trip to Cabo. I was openly talking to my family, and my brothers came by daily to see me. I even took a chance and told them about my feelings for Andy, and that he was the reason I finally realized enough was enough.

  Most importantly, I told them I needed to get my life back, and that I was done with being miserable. They were concerned at first, but then the five of us talked about all the things Andy did for me when Rob caused trouble, and how protective he was over me. They admitted how much they liked Andy since they’d come to know him, and they agreed he was worthy of their only sister.

  I actually laughed when they came to their decision, even though I already decided I was going to try a relationship with him. If he was still willing, that is.

  The only thing left for me to do was let Andy in. My nerves were completely shot, yet at the same time, I was excited and ready to see him.

  It was Christmas Eve morning, and I woke early and helped my mom with the last few pies we needed to bake for Christmas day. The entire family would be over for the holiday dinner. Because I’d been away for two weeks, I needed to go home, wrap Christmas presents, and bring them back to my parents’ house.

  My mom mentioned Andy didn’t have any plans for Christmas, because his aunt and uncle were going out of town, so I knew he would be home. I hated the fact that he was spending Christmas alone.

  After I showered and got ready for the day, I drove home and went straight to Andy’s apart
ment. I knocked twice and held my breath until he answered the door.

  “Zoey, you’re back,” he said, surprised to see me standing outside his door. “Please, come in.”

  What I really wanted to do right then was jump into his arms and never let him go. Instead, I stayed calm and walked past him to the living room. I shoved my hands inside the pockets of my hoody, so I would keep them to myself for the time being.

  Seeing him now, after two weeks, was exactly what I needed to remind me of why I had to get my shit together. I missed him more than I ever thought I would.

  Everything about him, his gorgeous blue eyes, his golden skin, the way he smelled, and the way he looked at me—like he wanted to eat me alive—was exhilarating. Nobody ever looked at me the way Andy did. There was always a hint of hunger, excitement, and something else in his eyes.

  I desperately wanted to find out what that something else was.

  Mostly, I needed to feel the way he made me feel when I was with him. I needed it to sink in and…to just be there. The two weeks without seeing or talking to him had weighed heavily on my conscience. It wasn’t fair to him, but I couldn’t be what we both needed if I wasn’t open and willing to try.

  “How are you doing?” I finally asked.

  He smiled at me. “Great, now that you’re here. I was worried about you. Your mum told me you were doing well when I asked about you.”

  I was thrilled he had asked her about me. “I’ve been staying with them,” I said. I was so anxious to tell him everything, my body was actually vibrating from the inside out. I also didn’t want him to think I was crazy, but I needed him to know what I’d been up to the last two weeks.

  “I have a lot to tell you, but I need to do some of it gradually, if it’s alright with you,” I said cautiously.

  He nodded, obviously concerned about me. “Zoey, I want to hear everything you need to say. It’s not going to change the way I feel about you.”

  Here goes nothing.

  “Sooo…I’ve been going to therapy,” I admitted as I stared down at the old Converse on my feet, a little ashamed by my confession. After I said it, I lifted my head and watched his face to gauge his reaction. He almost seemed nervous, but motioned for me to sit on the couch, and when I did, he sat down next to me.

  “Are you okay?” he asked pensively, as if he had no idea how to respond to my disclosure.

  In response to his question, I nodded. “Don’t worry,” I said lightly. “I’m not crazy or anything.”

  I laughed at what I said, and he looked at me oddly. He missed my private joke. That or I really was crazy. Nothing like making yourself look crazy by telling someone you are not crazy. I shook the thought from my head and took a deep breath before continuing.

  Because I was so nervous, I actually wrote down everything I wanted to tell him first, so I wouldn’t forget what was most important. The paper was folded up in my back pocket, just in case I had a hard time getting the words out.

  “The last few years have been a little rough, and I didn’t deal with my problems when they happened. I put up walls and shut myself inside them. I’m seeing the same therapist I went to after my adoption, and she’s been helping me a lot the last two weeks,” I explained.

  “I think that’s great, Zoey,” he said, whole-heartedly. “Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.”

  “Thank you. I still have my ups and downs, but I’m working on it,” I admitted. “I hope you can be patient with me. There is a lot I want to tell you, but it can wait until later.”

  He glanced down at my hands that were resting in my lap as if he wanted to touch me, but he was unsure if it was okay. I took the initiative and held my hand out to him. He took it in his, giving a gentle squeeze, before lacing our fingers together.

  “Zoey, I’ll do anything for you. Whatever you need, please ask.” He spoke so sincerely, it made my insides flutter.

  “Thank you, that means a lot to me.”

  I checked the time on my phone, and it was getting late. I still needed to help my mom with dinner, wrap presents, and to ask Andy to spend Christmas with me and my family. Casually, I snuck a look around his apartment and noticed he didn’t have a Christmas tree up, or decorations.

  “So, what are your plans for the next two days?”

  He laughed and shook his head. “I have no plans whatsoever.”

  “Will you pack a bag and come back to my mom and dad’s house to spend Christmas with my family?” I raised my eyebrow and smiled at him.

  He chuckled. “Yes.”

  That made me laugh. “You say yes so easily.”

  He brought our linked hands to his mouth and brushed his lips across the back of my hand. “You should try it sometime,” he said, his blue eyes teasing me.

  “Also something I’m working on,” I replied honestly. I stood from the couch and pulled him to his feet. “Go get ready and pack your bag, while I go home to wrap presents. Come on over when you’re ready.”

  I hugged him tightly around the waist, my body still shaking. I knew he could feel it, because he hugged me tighter and began rubbing his big hands up and down my back.

  “Relax, Zoey,” he whispered. “You’re gonna be alright.”

  God, please let him be right.

  Just as I finished wrapping Alex’s last Christmas gift, Andy came into my room, carrying a duffle bag. “I need to pack some more clothes, and then I’ll be ready to go,” I told him. I pulled some pants out of my dresser drawer and tossed them into a bag. I opened another drawer, and on the top of the stack of clothes was Andy’s New Zealand shirt. The same shirt I took from his laundry basket weeks earlier when I found him sleeping at my place.

  I held the shirt out to him. “This belongs to you,” I said sheepishly since, technically, I’d stolen it from him.

  “How’d you get that?” he asked inquisitively, but he did not reach out to take it from me.

  I set it down on my dresser and explained to him how I came to have the shirt.

  “Keep it. I’m sure it looks better on you anyway.”

  “Are you sure you don’t want to file a missing shirt report?” I joked. “Call the cops on me for grand theft shirt?”

  He laughed, tossed his bag on the floor, and then sat down on my bed. “Yeah, I’m sure. I know where it’s at if I need to visit it. Besides, I think it would only be considered petty theft, not grand theft,” he joked as he reached out and took my hand in his.

  “I’ve missed you, Zoey,” he expressed quietly as he gazed up at me. “I’ve missed what we had together, even if it was only as friends.”

  I sat next to him on my bed, knowing it was time to tell him more of what I needed to say…that I didn’t want to be his friend. I wanted more.

  “I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to hurt you. I swear it wasn’t intentional. I’ve been so messed up for so long…” I trailed off.

  I still had a hard time finding the words and explaining my feelings. At times, it would all come rushing forward at once, to where I literally could not form a solid thought to speak. I wished I wrote this part down, but honestly, I wasn’t expecting him to bring up the subject first.

  “Take your time,” he said in a calm, comforting tone. “I want you to get everything sorted out for yourself. Don’t worry about me, because I’m not going anywhere.”

  He put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me close. I wrapped my arms around his waist. I wanted to tell him how I felt about him, well not all of it, but he needed to know some of it. The rest could come later, when I was ready to take that step.

  Telling someone I loved them was a big, big deal for me. I knew I wasn’t ready to tell him yet, and was glad that I hadn’t told him when I realized it on my birthday. It would come, eventually, but I needed to wait. Besides, I didn’t even know if he still wanted me.

  So there I sat, holding onto him while he rubbed comforting circles on my back, patiently waiting for my mind to calm down. When it finally did, I was able to l
et out some of those thoughts.

  “I’ve had feelings for you since the day I met you, Andy. Literally, the second I turned around and saw you standing there, I could feel it. I didn’t know what it was at the time, but there was something there. Then we started talking and spending time together, and it was so easy and natural and...normal. I’ve never felt anything like that with anyone. I hate to admit it, but you sort of scare me.”

  I pulled back to make eye contact with him. Something else I was working on, being able to face my fears…to look them directly in the eyes.

  He narrowed his eyes at me in confusion. “I scare you?”

  I shook my head and chuckled at his misunderstanding. “Yes, but it’s not as if I’m afraid of you. I’ve never had anyone affect me the way you do, so that scares me, but only because it’s unfamiliar and well…scary.”

  I couldn’t keep from laughing, but luckily, he understood. “Don’t worry, Beautiful. You scare me too,” he teased.

  I squeezed his knee, and he jumped. Hmm…I think someone might be ticklish. “Good. At least we’re in this together then,” I noted.

  He chuckled. “Are we now?”

  I looked him in the eyes again and nodded. “Yes.”

  I fell back on the bed, relieved I was finally able to make it through this first step with him. I needed to take this slow, so I didn’t get overwhelmed, but I had missed him so much.

  Reaching over, I placed my hand on his back and scratched up and down lightly with my fingertips. I felt him physically stiffen, so I pulled away and rested my arm across my stomach.

  “I’m sorry. Did I do something wrong?” I asked.

  He laid back on the bed next to me, then rolled to his side to face me, propping himself up on his elbow. “Definitely not,” he said, a little self-consciously. What could he possibly have to be self-conscious about?

  “Then, what is it?” I asked.

  “Have you ever had a spot on your body, where someone might touch you, and it sends chills through you?” he asked unexpectedly.