Out of Step

by Maggie Makepeace

  ‘It would face north-east.’

  ‘So?’

  ‘And it would cost the earth.’

  ‘But you’ve got some money left over from me buying the cottage from you, haven’t you? It didn’t all go into Cassie’s lump-sum thing … clean-break settlement, surely?’

  ‘Well, no,’ Rob said cautiously, ‘but that’s the only money I’ve got for future emergencies. It would need thinking about.’

  He doesn’t want to put his money into my cottage, Nell thought, silenced. Perhaps he doesn’t see our relationship as permanent? What if he were to leave? How could I manage here with Lottie, without him?

  ‘At least Cassie is doing the birthday party,’ Rob said, changing the subject.

  ‘Mmm.’

  ‘I never thought she’d ever put herself out to that extent – far too much like hard work!’ He was clearly impressed.

  ‘I bet she isn’t doing the food?’ Nell scoffed.

  ‘Oh, but she is.’

  ‘She’s doing the whole party herself?’ Nell was amazed.

  ‘Steady on,’ Rob smiled. ‘Let’s not descend into the realms of fantasy here. No, it seems she’s conned that Mic female into being MC.’

  ‘I hope she knows what she’s doing.’

  ‘Apparently they’ve discussed exactly who does what in advance.’

  ‘She should get it in writing,’ Nell said.

  ‘Cassie?’

  ‘No, silly. Mic!’

  Mic and Gavin arrived at Cassie’s house at ten past two on Saturday afternoon.

  ‘You’re late!’ she accused them, looking at her watch.

  ‘Hello, Mic, hello, Gav. How nice to see you,’ Mic said sarcastically.’ ‘Snot much of a welcome, is it?’

  ‘Children make me nervous,’ Cassie excused herself. ‘You’ll have to bear with me.’

  ‘So what’s new?’ Mic muttered under her breath and winked at Gavin, who chortled loudly.

  ‘The food’s in the kitchen,’ Cassie said, and it was.

  ‘Coo … er!’ Mic said, eyes wide. ‘You’ve bin to a lotta trouble.’

  ‘There’s this lovely little man I know,’ Cassie said, quite unabashed, ‘Brilliant caterer. I can recommend him.’

  ‘Fancy prices an’ all?’

  ‘Well, naturally he’s not cheap. Paws off, Gavin! Wait until the guests arrive.’

  ‘You mean the other guests,’ Mic corrected her.

  ‘Yes … well… Now what about the furniture in the sitting room? Do you think we should rearrange this?’

  ‘Where’s Rosie ‘n’ Josh?’ Gavin demanded.

  ‘Oh, they’ll be back soon. They’re at a friend’s house.’ She turned to Mic. ‘I needed some quiet space to get this all arranged, as you can imagine. They’ll be here at three o’clock with all the others.’

  Guests at their own bleedin’ party! Mic thought, but took hold of the end of the sofa Cassie was indicating, and helped her to move it back against the wall.

  By the time three o’clock arrived, Cassie had wound herself up into a frenzy of apprehension. Mic watched her, fascinated.

  ‘No Ribena,’ she was saying. ‘I can’t risk any stains on this beautiful carpet. Do you think I should cover it with something? Dust sheets, perhaps?’

  ‘Mighta bin safer in the town hall,’ Mic said, deadpan. ‘Where there’s bare walls and floors, an’ the ceiling’s too high to frow one of them canopy fings.’

  ‘Canapé,’ Cassie corrected her. ‘Not funny. Oh God! There’s somebody at the door … Will you go, Mic? I simply haven’t had a moment to redo my lipstick.’

  Josh, Rosie and fourteen other six-to-eight-year-olds arrived more or less en masse, and burst into the sitting room in a noisy gaggle. Rosie had Mic by the hand and was demanding attention. Mic waved off their parents, and then gave her a bear hug.

  “Ow’s my girl then? Aren’t you getting’ tall? Look, there’s Gav. He’s bin waiting to see you fer ages, to –’

  ‘Mic?’ Cassie interrupted, coming in freshly made up and smiling brightly – too brightly. ‘I think everyone’s here now, so you can start. Their parents will be back around five to collect them, OK?’

  “Ang on,’ Mic objected, raising her voice to be heard above the general racket. ‘Where d’you fink you’re off to?’

  ‘I’ve just got to slip out for a hair appointment. My stylist couldn’t fit me in at any other time, I’m afraid. Won’t be long.’

  Mic caught her arm. ‘Oh no,’ she said. ‘No, you don’t!’ That weren’t part of our agreement.’

  ‘I think you’ll find,’ Cassie said, at her most supercilious, ‘if you think back, it wasn’t actually specified that I had to be here the whole time.’

  ‘Right,’ Mic said briskly, blocking her exit. ‘I’m off. Gav! Get yer coat.’

  ‘Oh no!’ Gavin whined, trailing over reluctantly. ‘Me an’ Rosie’s playin’ a game, an’ there’s all that food wot you promised me, an’ I haven’t et.’

  ‘You can’t do this, Mic,’ Cassie insisted. ‘You gave me your word!’

  ‘Please, Mum,’ Gavin pleaded.

  ‘OK,’ Mic conceded, thinking quickly. ‘You can stay, Gav, an’ I’ll be back at five for you, yeah?’

  ‘Yesss!’ Gavin punched the air and was gone.

  ‘Don’t you worry,’ Mic said to the increasingly frantic Cassie. ‘You’ll be well pleased wif my Gav. He knows all the party games, an’ wos more, he only charges double time!’

  It seems like no time at all since she was born,’ Elly said, holding Lottie in the sitting room at Bottom Cottage, and getting her to smile. ‘Her eyes are really brown now, aren’t they? Just like Rob’s. And her mouth is exactly like yours.’ She made kissing noises at the baby. ‘Lovely little Lottie… mmmmmm…’

  ‘Goo goo, goo goo,’ teased Will, making a face at Sam. ‘You’re not thinking of having another one, are you, Mum?’

  ‘I do hope not,’ Sam said, ‘unless it’s a girl too.’

  ‘Why don’t you two boys pop out for a bit of a walk?’ Elly suggested. ‘But be back in an hour with dry feet, OK?’

  ‘C’mon, Sam,’ Will said. ‘I sense there’s a whole lot more boring baby talk to come.’

  ‘You’re not feeling broody, are you?’ Nell asked, when they had gone.

  ‘Well… just a little.’

  ‘Are you and Kipper …?’

  ‘Keith and I are together, yes.’

  ‘Already? How did you manage that?’

  ‘That’s not very flattering, Nell! If you must know, I told him how wonderful I am, and he believed me. But of course I did it in an artfully understated way, so he believes he convinced me. Subtlety is my middle name.’

  ‘Huh!’ Nell snorted fondly, ‘you’re about as subtle as …’ she looked out into the garden for inspiration, ‘… as subtle as a dandelion!’

  Elly accepted this with equanimity. She looked as happy as Nell had ever seen her.

  ‘Who’d have predicted that we’d be where we are now?’ Nell said. ‘It’s as though it was only yesterday when I was single and lonely, and you were happily married, and then it all reversed itself, and now it’s sort of doing it again.’

  ‘Are you unhappy, Nell?’

  ‘Well, I shouldn’t be. I know that.’

  ‘Let’s have less of the “shouldn’t”. What do you actually feel?’

  Lottie began to get restless, so Nell took her back again, hitching up her jersey to feed her. Then she settled back comfortably and prepared to be honest. ‘It’s just that I love Lottie so much. I hadn’t realised how passionate I’d feel – how I’d die to protect her – absolutely!’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘But I’m never going to love Josh and Rosie that way; if at all.’

  ‘Why should you? Other people’s children can’t be the same as your own.’

  ‘No, but I think Rob assumes that I think of them in the same way he does, and it makes me feel bad … and cut off from him.’

 
‘Do you two actually communicate at all?’ Elly asked.

  ‘Of course we do!’

  ‘Seems to me you’re both assuming things about each other.’

  ‘Well, it’s difficult,’ Nell explained. ‘Rob has such a battle with the Mad Cow all the time, he can really do without me making a fuss as well. But every so often I suddenly understand things from Cassie’s point of view, and then I feel disloyal. For some reason he doesn’t seem to have learnt anything from their breakup – he just goes on being the same old Rob, and it infuriates me too!’

  ‘But no one is all good or all bad, are they?’ Elly put in. ‘Everyone gets fed up with their man sometimes, and I’m sure Cassie has her points. It must have been very hard for her in this godforsaken place in the winter with two small children. She would have felt so isolated, and maybe Rob wasn’t very understanding.’

  ‘No,’ agreed Nell. ‘He often isn’t. But when I begin to think that way, I feel as though I’m taking sides with the enemy.’

  ‘I predict,’ Elly said confidently, ‘that in another fifteen years or so, when the children are grown up, you and Rob and Cassie will all have a perfectly amicable relationship. Yes, it’s difficult now, but it will work itself out eventually.’

  ‘And you and Paul and Anna too?’ Nell teased.

  ‘Good heavens no!’ Elly exclaimed in horror. ‘That’s totally different.’ And they both laughed.

  Rob worried about Nell. She wasn’t her usual bouncy self, and it didn’t seem to him that this change in her was caused simply by the exhaustion of new motherhood. She looked sad when she thought he wasn’t looking at her, and when he was, she put on a brittle show of cheerfulness that didn’t convince him at all. He feared she might go the same way downhill as Cassie had gone when she’d had her children, and he didn’t even know how to broach the subject with her, let alone prevent it. He was afraid that she might be having second thoughts, and that quite possibly she would turf him out of Bottom Cottage, on the grounds that it wasn’t big enough for him and his children too.

  He sensed deep down that Rosie and Josh were a problem to her, but he never allowed those thoughts to surface, because he didn’t know how to deal with them. His usual method of coping was to let events run their course and hope for the best. This time, however, he felt the need to take action, but something still held him back. He didn’t want to analyse it. He wouldn’t admit even to himself that it might be the fear of rejection.

  He waited until the evening before Rosie and Josh were due to arrive for their ten-day Easter holiday, and then realised he couldn’t put it off any longer. Nell was sitting on the sofa feeding the baby. She looked relaxed and beautiful in the soft light from the standard lamp. Rob went and got his Nikon, and banged off a few photographs.

  ‘Nell?’ he asked suddenly, his face half hidden by the camera. ‘Will you marry me?’

  ‘Why?’ Now she looked astonished. He took another photograph.

  ‘Well…’ He put the camera down, feeling discomfited. ‘For all the usual reasons, I suppose.’

  ‘No,’ she insisted. ‘I need to know why.’

  ‘Because … because I love you.’

  Tears ran from the corners of her eyes. ‘Why didn’t you tell me that years ago?’ She held out one hand to him over the baby.

  Rob was nonplussed. ‘I dunno … I suppose I always assumed you knew.’

  ‘Come here.’ She was smiling and crying at the same time.

  ‘Well, will you?’

  ‘Yes, of course I will.’

  So he went across to her, took her hand and kissed it.

  Epilogue

  During the year since our wedding, Nell thought, I suppose we should have been living happily ever after. I wonder why traditional stories always used to end with marriage, just at the time when life’s real difficulties begin? I suppose it’s obvious really – it’s the only chance for a fairy-tale ending. And everyone needs hope.

  She, who had always had such difficulty living in the present, now found it impossible to imagine the future. Commonplace worries held her down, and the grindingly boring everyday chores overpowered her to such an extent that she had stopped painting altogether. There simply wasn’t the time, or the space.

  Of course there were good times – when Lottie did all the things that babies do to the delight of their parents. Nell recorded each milestone lovingly in her diary, and tried to hang on to that joy whenever she felt down. When she was depressed these days she kept it to herself, not confiding even in Sibyl. I’m very lucky. I ought to be happy, she reminded herself constantly. And if I’m not, then it’s my own fault.

  Rob was his usual laid-back self, going off to work with a cheery wave through the open door of the Land Rover. His only complaints were about the man with whom he had to share an office, and his only nostalgia was for the days when he worked from home.

  Josh was now nine and Rosie seven, and they visited only every other weekend, sometimes separately, with schoolfriends for company. One Saturday when Nell had arranged to escape with Lottie to Sibyl’s house for a treat, she overheard Josh explaining on the phone, ‘My stepmum’s going out, so the food won’t be as good but we’ll have more fun!’

  She and Sibyl laughed about it together. ‘I take it Rob’s an indulgent dad?’ Sibyl asked.

  ‘He’s the ultimate Mr Nice Guy,’ Nell agreed. ‘I get lumbered with enforcing all the discipline. I sometimes feel it’s Rob and the three children versus me!’

  Sibyl smiled. ‘But then, you never did like aggressive macho men.’

  ‘I thought I didn’t.’

  ‘And how are the other two? I can see Lottie’s blooming.’

  ‘Oh, they’re pretty good really. Rob’s been teaching them to play chess, and Josh is learning – with great difficulty – to lose gracefully. And lately I’ve been having to go upstairs and kiss them both good night after Rob has read them a story.’ She smiled at the thought.

  ‘That’s nice. So they’re not jealous of Lottie?’

  ‘Rosie’s sometimes resentful about not being the youngest any more, then the next day she’s all over her. They both seem to be irritated by her and affectionate in turns.’

  ‘Sounds normal,’ Sibyl said.

  But I can’t trust them, Nell thought to herself. And I can’t be honest about how I feel, or vent my spleen. And every time they come I feel invaded. And Rob doesn’t support me enough, so our rôles are unfairly unequal, and I feel second best all the time, and I’m fed up with him being so easy-going and so weak…

  But all she said was, ‘Yes, I suppose it is.’

  That evening, when she came downstairs after putting Lottie to bed for the night, she found the kitchen full of smoke and rushed to open all the windows.

  ‘The bloody stove needs its sodding chimney cleaning out again!’ she shouted at Rob, who was in the sitting room watching Blind Date on television with avid contempt.

  ‘I know,’ he said, not moving.

  ‘Well, if Lottie dies of lung cancer it will be all your fault!’

  ‘I’ll do it later. Stop nagging!’

  ‘I’ve never nagged in my life – before I met you. You’d make a saint nag!’

  ‘Cassie used to –’

  ‘And shut up about fucking Cassie! Hasn’t it occurred to you that she might have had a point? Hasn’t it ever entered your minute brain that there could be lots of reasons why your first marriage failed, and that they might not all be down to her?’

  ‘Calm down, Nell. There’s no need to yell.’

  ‘I’m utterly pissed off with you!’ Nell shouted louder. ‘I’m sick to death of being taken for granted and always being second best. I’ve had it up to here with doing my duty, and having to cook your endless bloody meals, and shifting Lottie from room to room all the time to accommodate your horrible bloody ungrateful children!’ And she stormed upstairs and lay on her bed and wept. Then, when her anger had subsided, she felt ashamed of herself and cried some more with self-reproac
h.

  She was only roused when Lottie began to wail next door, and she had to get up to go and attend to her. She took her downstairs for moral support, hiding her face behind the warm pudgy body. Rob was still watching television, but he turned the sound off as they came in.

  ‘Now she’s upset too,’ Nell said.

  ‘Come to Daddy,’ Rob said, taking the child from her and making silly faces. Lottie chuckled delightedly.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Nell mumbled. ‘I shouldn’t have said any of that.’

  ‘Perhaps it needed saying?’ Rob suggested. ‘Sounds to me as though you’ve been bottling things up, and that’s always a bad idea.’

  ‘Mmm.’

  ‘Look,’ he offered, ‘tomorrow’s Sunday and the weather forecast is good. Why don’t we walk down to the sea and have a picnic lunch, and talk things over?’

  ‘But you never discuss feelings?’

  ‘Well, perhaps I should make an effort. You look worn out, Nell. Go to bed. We’ll sort it out tomorrow.’ He reached out and patted her arm awkwardly.

  Sunday was as bright and dry as predicted. Rob called Nell over to the bedroom window first thing to see a roe doe with her new-born faun on the small meadow on the opposite bank of the river. Nell watched the faun hopping beside its mother, like a hare, and focused her binoculars on the small pale head and ears and the darker back with its white stripes. The doe was a warm ginger colour in her summer coat. She stood there, calm and undisturbed in a ray of morning sun, and then turned with her youngster and disappeared amongst the darker trees.

  Oh! Nell thought. I really needed that – something beautiful first thing to raise my spirits. The May garden was lush and scented with lilac. The swallows were back, and there would be a cuckoo any day now. She felt a little heartened.

  At noon as they were setting off for their picnic, Rob discovered a cockchafer trapped in the rain gauge. The water was halfway up its abdomen, and it was waving its feet feebly. He fished it out with a twig and held it up for Lottie to see. She was getting fractious and beginning to struggle in his arms. ‘Big Maybug beetle. Look!’

  ‘They’re actually quite handsome,’ Nell said grudgingly.