The Triad

by Sarah Ettritch

  “See, this is what you were doing all through lunch,” Laura said, startling Lesley. “Zoning out. You asked me about Ben’s next competition three times. The second time, I thought maybe you hadn’t heard me the first time, but three times?” Her smile didn’t mask her concern.

  Lesley’s stomach churned. Perhaps she should have eaten a lighter lunch. “Nothing is wrong.”

  Cool eyes studied her. “It’s eating away at you. Talk to me.”

  Since Laura wouldn’t accept another denial, Lesley considered making something up to appease her. But that would only add guilt to the burden Lesley already carried. She forced out the words. “Mo has feelings for Jayne.” She stared miserably at her feet as she walked. Humiliation hadn’t coursed through her when she’d told Papa, but she was his daughter. He wouldn’t think less of her because she hadn’t turned out to be special to Mo. She fought tears. Argamon! She felt as she had when she’d first flown maneuvers on automatic pilot in the simulators—helpless, out of control, flung without warning in every direction—except she’d had a seatbelt back then. “I don’t think she realizes it,” Lesley said, to forestall the more obvious questions. “But she definitely does.”

  “She hasn’t said anything to you?”

  Lesley shook her head. “As I said, I don’t think she realizes it.”

  Laura was silent for a moment. “She probably doesn’t recognize her feelings because she loves you, so she’s—”

  “Her feelings for me have obviously changed,” Lesley snapped. “She hasn’t figured that out yet, either.” She didn’t know what tore her up more inside: that Mo didn’t love her as much—or at all—or that Mo had feelings for Jayne.

  Laura stopped walking. “Why do you think her feelings for you have changed?”

  Lesley jerked her head up and whirled to face Laura. “She has feelings for someone else! What else am I supposed to think?”

  “That she loves one Chosen as much as she always has and is developing feelings for her other Chosen?”

  “If she still loves me as she always has, why would she develop feelings for someone else? I know Jayne’s her Chosen, but we’ve been together for thirteen years and shared so much.” She shook her head. “No, her feelings must have changed.” Though Mo was still jealous when Lesley saw Jayne. Habit?

  “Love isn’t finite,” Laura said gently. “If it was, I wouldn’t love all my children. I’d only love Ben.”

  Lesley wanted to scream. “It’s not the same thing.”

  “Why is one type of love limited and the other isn’t?”

  “Laura, we’re taught to love our Chosen and nobody else.”

  “You have two Chosens. So does Mo. So does Jayne. The Chosen Council obviously believes you can love two.”

  Lesley believed that loving more than one person was possible—just not at the same time.

  “Do you remember your lessons about the Danlion colonies? Because of fertility problems, the women had to bond with more than one mate.”

  “Yes, I do remember. I also remember how they slaughtered each other.” If not for a handful of Danlions who’d managed to escape on a cargo ship before the rest turned deadly biological weapons on each other, none would have survived. Hundreds of years later, Danlion still wasn’t safe for humans.

  “That had nothing to do with their mating customs.”

  Lesley had never been convinced of that. And who cared about the Danlions? They were human, but not Rymellan.

  “We had our own problems before the Way,” Laura pointed out.

  “And the Way solved them.” Rymel was stable. Rymellans were one. War wasn’t the norm here anymore, which had allowed Rymellans to flourish and become the most technologically advanced human world in the known universe. If the Danlions hadn’t spent so much time fighting each other, perhaps they would have found a solution to their fertility problems. “Our ancestors were right.”

  “Yes, they were. The Way saved us. And the Way has given you two Chosens.”

  “The history of triads isn’t exactly stellar.”

  “It’s improving.” Laura smiled ruefully. “Yes, I’m biased. I know triads can work.”

  “Your triad met as strangers.” Lesley was starting to agree with Papa on that; it would have been easier. “I don’t know, Laura. I’ve always seen myself as strong in the Way, but...” Accepting a relationship with Mo and Jayne felt beyond her. She couldn’t even imagine it. How could she and Mo continue to have a relationship? “Right now, it seems like an impossible situation.”

  “You’re expecting too much of yourself. You are strong in the Way, but that doesn’t mean you’ll never struggle. It means you’ll follow the Way no matter what, and I know you’ll do that. You do, too.”

  Of course she would, but what about happiness and love? Lesley had always believed they’d flow naturally from following the Way. They had, until she’d stopped deluding herself about the triad.

  “Have you talked to Mo?” Laura asked. “It sounds like you’re talking to everyone but her.”

  What would she say: “I’ve noticed you’re falling for Jayne”? And then what—Go ahead and have a relationship with her? “I’m not ready. I can’t face them having a relationship. I know that’s disappointing.”

  Laura’s forehead creased. “Stop it! I’d probably feel the same way. I’m only suggesting you talk to her because it needs to be out in the open, not because I expect Mo and Jayne to jump into a relationship tomorrow. Mo might not want that. And what about Jayne?”

  Lesley shrugged. “I have no idea how Jayne feels.” Jayne’s behaviour toward Mo hadn’t changed. Then again, she didn’t seem to mind Mo’s sympathy. But what was she supposed to say—“Stop worrying about me, stop touching me”? Mo wasn’t pawing at her or anything like that.

  “You know, Mo might not be recognizing her feelings for what they are because she’s not ready, either,” Laura said.

  “Then my pointing them out to her could do more harm than good.”

  “Perhaps you should have a more hypothetical discussion about how you’d both feel if one of you were to develop feelings. Right now, you’re making all sorts of assumptions because you’re not talking to her about it.” Laura folded her arms. “Frankly, it’s a discussion you probably should have already had.”

  Lesley’s denial of the triad, and their arrangement, had made such a discussion unnecessary. But now...despite how Mo’s feelings for Lesley must have changed, Mo was still jealous when Lesley saw Jayne. How would she react if Lesley were to raise the possibility that one of them might fall for her? Would a piece click into place, or would she fly into a rage? There was only one way to find out, but Lesley would rather return to being in denial—about the triad, and Mo’s feelings for Jayne.

  *****

  Jayne carried her mug over to the counter and, while her back was turned, asked the question she’d been dying to ask since Carol arrived. “Did you know it was her counsellor?”

  “No. I would have told you.” Carol paused. “I haven’t kept anything from you, honest. Remember all those times we tried to eavesdrop when we thought they were talking about it?”

  “We weren’t very good at it.” Jayne smiled at the memory. She turned around and leaned against the counter. “They always heard us.”

  “Stupid creaky hallway,” Carol muttered. “They never discussed it with me. I tried, but they wouldn’t.” She lifted her mug and drank, took a moment to swallow. “I’ve always wondered why you’ve never asked Robert what he knows.”

  Jayne rolled her eyes at Carol’s feigned ignorance. “You know why I haven’t.” She sighed. “They want me to invite him to the Joining Ceremony. The Thompsons,” she clarified when Carol drew breath. “They think it’ll set tongues wagging if he’s not there.”

  “They’re probably right.”

  “I don’t want him there. I don’t want him anywhere near Lesley and Mo.” She didn’t want him on the steps or in her life. His presence would spoil the day. Just the
thought of inviting him sickened her.

  “Don’t you think it’s time to put it behind you? He’s your brother.”

  “He didn’t want to be my brother, remember?”

  “He was seventeen. He panicked.”

  “He abandoned me when I needed him the most.”

  “And he realizes that. He—”

  Jayne pushed herself away from the counter and leaned over the table. “No, he doesn’t!” She jabbed a finger at Carol. “You want him to realize it, you and Kelly. If he has any regrets about it, where is he? Why doesn’t he beep? Why hasn’t he shown up on my doorstep? The few times I’ve seen him, you and Kelly have forced us together. Did he beep when the triad was announced? No. Did he visit me in the infirmary? No. Did he even ask if I was all right when you told him I was in the infirmary?” Carol’s silence was ample answer. “He decided he didn’t want to be my brother. If he’s changed his mind, he’ll have to come to me.” She hoped he would, so she could slam the door in his face.

  “And you’ve explained all this to the Thompsons? If you don’t invite him to the Joining Ceremony, they’ll want to know why.”

  Her anger left her. Drained and dejected, she sank into a chair. How would she explain her family to a family that always stuck together? Lesley’s brother had moved out over the triad, but misguided or not, he believed his refusal to accept the triad—or, more specifically, Jayne—was a refusal to stand by and watch while his sister ruined her life.

  Robert’s reasons for running away had been all about him. Jayne had never doubted that if he could have changed his name and removed all traces of their relationship from the records, he would have. She was surprised he hadn’t blamed her for the Incident. He’d certainly told anyone who’d listen that he’d finished all his levels at the Indoctrination Academy, while she was still at an impressionable age. He’d never explicitly said that if either of them was a threat to the Way and should be executed, it was her, but he’d meant it. She may have been only twelve, but she hadn’t been stupid. At first she hadn’t understood why he’d insisted on staying with their other uncle, but it hadn’t taken her long to figure it out.

  While the petitions for their executions were on the table, everyone talked about nothing else, except when she was around. Robert only visited when he knew she’d be in bed, not out of consideration for her, but so he could spew his poison behind her back. At night, everyone would gather in the living room, instead of huddling in the kitchen or outside in the garden. While they did lower their voices, she could hear them from the shadows at the top of the stairs. The more guests present to listen to his nonsense, the more vigorously Robert argued his position: he was strong in the Way, while she was still learning the Way and vulnerable to “alternative viewpoints.” Not once had he asked about her. Not once had he come upstairs to peer into the bedroom, probably afraid of being painted with the same tainted brush he enthusiastically brandished.

  Once the overseers had denied the petitions, the frequency of Robert’s visits had dropped dramatically. She’d asked for him, but he never came. He’d turned against her when she’d most needed her brother, and now he had to live with that... But Carol was right. If Jayne stubbornly refused to invite him to the Joining Ceremony, the Thompsons would expect—demand—an explanation. Did she want to tell them that her own brother had hoped to offer her as a sacrifice to appease those who wanted retribution against their family?

  “I’ll have to invite him,” she said to Carol, feeling as if she was betraying herself.

  “It could be the beginning of a reconciliation,” Carol said.

  No. It would mar her Joining Day. On the other hand, if it marked the last time she ever saw him, she’d have two reasons to celebrate the date every year.

  After Carol left, Jayne reluctantly looked up Robert’s code and punched it into the comm station. He worked nights, so he should be home.

  Robert didn’t bother to say hello. “I did a double-take when I saw your name.”

  “I’m beeping to invite you to my Joining Ceremony,” she said flatly. “The Thompson family would like you to be there.”

  He chuckled. “It’ll be a bit of a farce, won’t it? You and me, on the steps together.”

  “If you don’t want to come, then don’t. I’ll tell them I invited you, and you declined.” She regretted the words the moment they left her mouth. Robert would never allow her to paint him in a bad light.

  “I didn’t say I wouldn’t go, just that it will be a farce. When is it?”

  “I don’t know yet. We’ve submitted a few dates to the Chosen Council. I should know in a few weeks.”

  “I assume I can bring Kelly.”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, when you know the date, let me know. Or have Carol pass it along. Doesn’t matter to me.” He sounded bored.

  “I’ll tell Carol—”

  “Anyway, I have to go. Bye.” The connection went dead.

  Jayne blinked back tears as she sank onto the sofa. She hated talking to Robert. Whenever Carol badgered her about him—Why won’t you see him? Rejecting him isn’t the answer. The two of you need to talk—Jayne always said she no longer cared. But despite what she told herself and Carol, that wasn’t why she avoided him. The hope that he’d regret how he’d treated her and understand how he’d failed her, that he’d reach out and try to make amends, had always existed deep within her. But every time she spoke to him, that ball of hope shrivelled. He wasn’t remorseful. When he’d moved on with his life thirteen years ago, he’d truly left her behind. There would never be a tearful apology, an acknowledgment of her isolation and pain, a vow to do better. He didn’t care. He never would. Speaking to him only drove home the reality that she wasn’t rejecting him, and he wasn’t rejecting her. To him, she was nobody. Nobody at all.

  *****

  Kevin scowled when Gwen pushed open his study door. He’d heard her greet Cynthia, and had hoped Gwen would come up with an excuse to put her off seeing him. She knew he wasn’t in the mood to socialize. “I’m working on a case,” he growled.

  Gwen frowned at him. “It’s only Cynthia, and she’s concerned about you.” She lowered her voice. “I told her about the appointment.”

  “You what?”

  “She’s your sister.”

  “I suppose you told her about what happened at the awards ceremony, too.” His jaw clenched when she nodded. “You had no right to tell her anything!”

  “She’s your sister, Kevin. You need your family, all of us. Shutting yourself away and brooding won’t help. Now, come on.” She beckoned to him. “You can’t avoid her forever.”

  Startled, he pushed back his chair. Gwen was more perceptive than he’d thought. Did she know that he’d discouraged Cynthia from visiting because seeing her reminded him of his meeting with Finney? He’d been so sure that he was acting in the best interest of the Way, yet everyone was disappointed with him, including his Chosen. His behaviour at the awards ceremony had mortified and frightened Gwen, who’d wept the entire way home. If not for her, he never would have agreed to meet with Adams.

  Cynthia smiled up at him from the sofa, compounding his guilt for neglecting her. “Glad to see you,” he mumbled.

  She met his eyes. “How are you?”

  “Fine,” he said, knowing she wouldn’t believe him.

  “Tziva?” Gwen asked.

  Cynthia shook her head. “Not just yet.” Her eyes grew bright with curiosity. “Gwen told me about your appointment. What’s she like, Kevin?”

  He sat in one of the chairs across from her and shrugged. “I don’t—”

  “Not quite what you were expecting, was she, Kevin?” Gwen plunked herself next to Cynthia and pointed at him. “He knew more about the Incident than she did.”

  Cynthia’s brows rose. “Really?”

  “Apparently she didn’t know about Brenda until Lieutenant Commander Thompson told her. Kevin had to tell her about Hill. Apparently nobody told her anything. She was only twelve. The
counsellor said they were protecting her, but it must have been hard on her, not knowing.”

  His hands didn’t clench when they both grimaced and nodded. Before the appointment, seeing them sympathize with an Adams would have shot his blood pressure through the roof. But now he didn’t know what to think. Gwen was partly right—Adams hadn’t been anything like he’d imagined. He’d expected her to swagger into the counsellor’s office, arrogant and hostile.

  “She almost left when it looked like Kevin wasn’t going to tell her anything,” Gwen said.

  Cynthia turned to him. “Why wouldn’t you tell her?”

  “I thought she was playing games.”

  “Why?”

  “It sounded fishy to me, her not knowing anything.”

  “Why would she lie about something like that?”

  To irritate him.

  Cynthia’s mouth pressed into a disapproving line. “It must have been difficult for her, having to ask you for the information.”

  At first he’d wanted to stretch out Adams’ agony, make her beg him to divulge what he knew. Then he’d looked at her, seen the longing and the hurt in her eyes...Peter Adams’ eyes. No! Her eyes. I didn’t understand what was happening. I was only twelve. Her quavering voice had barely masked her pain. For the first time, he’d seen her, not her papa. A Rymellan deeply hurt by the Incident, like him. Remembering the moment he’d empathized with her made him squirm; he folded his arms and leaned forward.

  “Don’t get angry,” Cynthia said, misinterpreting his discomfort. “To her, we’re the bad family.”

  Kevin glared at her. If she’d said that to him before the appointment... He took a deep breath. “I don’t think Adams sees us that way.”

  Gwen gave him a pointed look. “Her name’s Jayne. And I don’t think she sees us that way, either.”

  “What else did you talk about?” Cynthia asked.

  “Nothing,” Gwen said, before he could reply. “Mo—Lieutenant Commander Middleton—got upset because Counsellor Nolan thanked Kevin for telling Jayne about Hill. She wanted Kevin to look Jayne in the eye and tell her she should be executed.”