So Much to Learn

by Jessie L. Star

  ~*~

  I slogged through Monday as everyone else did, with much grumbling and wishing it was still the weekend. I had a double lecture and tutes in the morning and then I worked a shift at the uni bookstore through the afternoon. I liked my job in that, apart from at the beginning of the semester, it wasn't that stressful and the people I worked with were nice, but it was still a job and I was more than happy to get home.

  When I got back to the flat it was to see Matt and Jack sitting on the couch having what looked like a very serious conversation. My heart leapt for a second as I thought that Jack might have told Matt what was going on between us, but, as they looked up, I saw no hint of guilt in Jack's eyes and no anger in Matt's and sagged slightly in relief.

  I flopped into a chair and looked at them enquiringly. "What's going on?" I asked.

  Jack looked at Matt and nodded as if to say, 'you can tell her.' So I shifted my attention to my brother and shot him a look that clearly said 'go on then!'

  "Jack's applied for a scholarship," Matt said and my face relaxed into a smile.

  I almost said 'is that all?' but stopped myself just in time as obviously there was more to the situation than met the eye. Why were they looking so intense about it?

  "So how much money would you get?" I asked after a beat as neither boys seemed like they were going to offer any more information.

  Jack looked at me properly for the first time and I saw that, far from the excitement you would expect from the situation, he looked worried and drawn. "They would pay off my entire degree," he said quietly and my jaw dropped.

  "Jack, that's huge," I exclaimed. And it truly was. No degree was cheap, but, as Jack was doing architecture and it was in one of the higher brackets, it would take years for him to pay it off on his own. Matt and I had to work to pay for rent and food and stuff, but our family would always help us out if we ever got stuck financially and Jack didn't have that. Well, that’s to say Mum and Dad had offered hundreds of times to help with his monetary load, but he always refused. Jack preferred to go it alone on most things.

  "Yeah, and there's more," he said in a low even voice that I just didn't understand considering the circumstances. "I would do a year, maybe more, of post-graduate work at Cambridge…in England."

  I felt like a heavy weight had just landed on my chest. So that was why it seemed so subdued. If he won the scholarship we would lose Jack for at least a year, I glanced at Matt and, this time, I saw exactly what he was feeling. He knew this was a huge opportunity for Jack and could set him up for the rest of his life, but a tiny, selfish part of him wanted to tell him not to go for it. In short he was pretty much feeling exactly as I was...and that just wouldn't do!

  "Wow!" I said, mustering up my reserves of enthusiasm. "That’s really awesome, what do you have to do to get it?"

  Jack looked down at the stack of papers in his lap although I had the feeling he already knew it all word for word. "A requirement test, an aptitude test and an interview all of which take place at the end of next month. The aptitude test will just be one of those wanky personality test things and the interview I should be able to wing, but the requirement test will basically be on everything I've learnt over nearly three years."

  "Geez, not asking for much, are they?" I joked. "And you've got a month to get it all down pat? Harsh."

  "Yeah," Matt agreed, leaping on the bandwagon that I had started rolling. "So let's get going."

  I nodded and bounced to my feet. "Right. This flat is now officially Jack scholarship headquarters." I looked over at Jack. "Show me what you need to learn and we can get on with it straight away. I hereby appoint myself chief tester in charge. Sorry, matey," I added with a smile at Matt, "but we all know you have the attention span of a gnat and would never be able to sit for hours testing someone on things out of a book."

  Matt simply laughed. "You will get no disagreement from me," he said easily. "I'll do Jack's chores so he'll have as much time as possible to study, and I'll keep the others away from here so it'll be quiet."

  "Great!" I clapped my hands. "You are totally going to blitz this, and-" I broke off as Jack stood up abruptly and turned away from us, running his hands through his hair.

  "I don't want…" he began awkwardly, but then he revised, "I can't let you guys go out of your way to help me."

  Matt and I exchanged looks of incredulity and frustration.

  Matt also got to his feet and walked slowly towards his friend. "Hammer, mate, I know you don't like being indebted to anyone, or whatever, but you've got to let us help you. We wouldn't be going out of our way."

  That last bit would be a total lie as both Matt and I would do everything in our power to help him win the scholarship and Jack knew it.

  "I have to do this on my own," Jack muttered and, before Matt or I could protest further, he strode out of the flat, banging the door closed behind him.

  I went to go after him, but Matt called me back and, when I turned to look at him, he was shaking his head. "Nah, let him go," he said, sinking back down onto the couch.

  "But he's probably only gone up to the roof," I protested, knowing that that was Jack's usual retreat.

  "He needs to calm down and think it over. He'll come round," Matt insisted and I reluctantly sat down as well.

  We sat in silence for a couple of seconds before I blurted out, "Why does he have to do that? Retreat and try and do everything on his own? It's so bloody frustrating! He must know we don't mind helping, we're basically family for God’s sake!"

  "It's just the way he is," Matt shrugged. "He's always been an independent sod, but this is more than that. He's feeling guilty about applying for the scholarship."

  "He's what?" I looked at Matt in surprise. "Why on Earth would he feel guilty?"

  He picked up a pen from off the coffee table and began fiddling with it, a sure sign that something involving emotions was about to be discussed. God, guys were wimps!

  "Well," he said slowly, "even though it's not like he goes to see his dad all that much I don't think he wants to leave him alone up there."

  "His dad?" I snorted derisively. "An honorary title if ever there was one. Not exactly done much fathering has he?"

  "Come on, Talia, cut him some slack," Matt said awkwardly. "He's had a rough time of it."

  "Well, it hasn't exactly been a barrel of laughs for Jack either," I pointed out hotly. "He wasn't exactly father of the year before the accident, why should I cut him slack when he’s never given one to his son?"

  "You don't know the half of it," Matt muttered darkly, but then he shrugged and got to his feet. "Whatever. When Jack gets back we'll try again, for now let's start tea."

  An hour or so later, when I was sitting in my room talking to Simone on the phone, I heard the door slam and knew that Jack had returned. A second later Matt yelled at him to get his butt in his room and I smiled, knowing that it was all going to work out.

  It sounded like Matt gave him an earful for about half an hour, during which time I only half listened as Simone waffled on about how she'd enjoyed hanging out at Sam and Michael's flat. Finally Matt's voice quieted down, and I could hear the pair of them beginning to speak at a normal level.

  Simone and I had just finished our phone call when I heard a soft knock at my door. Knowing full well that it would be Jack, I sat up and called, "Yeah?"

  Sure enough a head of dark hair appeared around the edge of the door and Jack smiled his gentle smile at me."Alright if I come in?" He asked and I nodded and waved him forward.

  He took a seat on the edge of the bed and looked down at his hands. The moment reminded me of the previous Wednesday when I had adopted the almost identical pose on his bed. "So, uh, I just wanted to apologise for earlier,” he said gruffly. "You were just trying to help and I was a total jerk, so I'm sorry."

  I shuffled closer to him across the bed so I knelt beside him. "I'm sorry too. I just sort of assumed that you would want our help and I was pushy. I know how you like to handle th
ings yourself and I should have been more sensitive to that."

  He smiled suddenly and looked up, though not at me. "Are you and Matt doing a good cop, bad cop thing?" He asked with a laugh. "He's just spent the last half hour roundly abusing me for being such a tool and here you are saying you were the one in the wrong."

  I smiled too, but didn't say anything as I suspected he had more to say. As I predicted, after a moment, he finally looked at me, his expression serious once more. "I shouldn't have said no to your help like that. It's just that I spent all of yesterday thinking over whether I was going to apply and I kind of internalised it as a personal thing. I almost told you about it yesterday morning, but I thought that if only I knew about it then I could still decide not to do it without any repercussions." He smiled wryly. "I knew if I told you, you would bully me into applying whether I wanted to or not because you think it'd be great for me."

  Ah, so that had been what he was about to say. The mystery was solved!

  "I do need your help,” he continued. “I knew yesterday that I would need it and I knew today I would need it, but I didn't think it would work out."

  "How so?"

  "I thought maybe that you would be more of a hindrance than a help," he said solemnly and I reared back in shock and a little bit of annoyance.

  "How so?" I asked again, but much more aggressively.

  "I thought that if you were in the room with me while I was trying to revise I'd be distracted by you. You know, think of nothing, but our arrangement." He chuckled ruefully and shook his head. "Of course after spending an hour on the roof being unable to think of anything but you, I realised that this was a pretty stupid plan."

  I felt my anger dissipate and a hint of embarrassed pleasure creep in. He'd been unable to think of anything but me? Still, he didn't seem to realise what he'd said so I pushed away my little ego trip and focussed on him again.

  "I want to help you, Jack,” I said seriously. “You deserve this scholarship and I really think you're in with a shot at getting it so please let me do anything I can to help you. We can call off the stupid lessons thing if you want, it'll only be a distraction." I heard myself saying that last sentence before I'd properly thought it through and then panicked. No! I didn't want to give up the lessons. I'd made such progress already and I didn't want to lose that.

  He seemed just as surprised as I was about my sudden about face. "Is that what you want?" He asked. "Because if it is then we shouldn't do it anymore."

  "It's up to you," I said, bouncing it back to him. "If you think it would be a distraction then-"

  "It wouldn't be a distraction," He said quickly and I almost sighed in relief.

  "OK then," I said slowly, "the lessons continue."

  "Yeah, the lessons continue," he repeated. "And I would really appreciate your help studying for the requirement test, if you have the time."

  "I have the time," I assured him.

  "That's sorted then." He stood up and then turned to look down at me. "I'm lucky to have you," he said quietly before leaning down and kissing me gently on the forehead. "Really lucky."